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User Topic: Was anyone actually in a sexless marriage?
Jesu
♂ Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not married, but relationship had been sexless for years. I can count the amount of times we had sex in 3 years on one hand.

Of course WSO was fucking OM behind my back and lying to me! He got more sex than I had in 3 years in the space of a week!!


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
prowoman
♀ Member
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had sex pretty regularly throughout our marriage... even after he began his A (before I knew that was going on). After DDay it became a sexless marriage. But WH told OW it was sexless from day 1 and seeing their communications she was super paranoid that he was cheating on her


me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13 and Divorcing
OC Born May 14

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if WS claimed to his whores that our marriage was sexless, but it wouldn't surprise me.

He did tell me the day after D-Day "you never initiated, you were never interested...it was always like that." I felt bad at the time.

After reading a few books on sex addiction, I began to understand why I didn't enjoy sex as much as I wanted to. SA's sexualize everything...they're constantly groping you, rubbing up against you like a cat, ready for sex 24 hours a day. I wanted to have a strong marriage and for this reason at times consented to positions that were actually painful or just plain uncomfortable because I wanted to please him.

I also did initiate at times, but always ended up feeling like a fool because he would laugh or just lie still and wait for me to do everything, thus proving that I was "not interested" because I couldn't keep that up for very long.

Now I understand why I never felt like our sex life was an expression of intimacy. There is no real intimacy with SA's...it's an animal act, no love or warmth associated with it at all. And unbeknownst to me, he had been cheating on me for the last five years.

At times especially during the past year or so when he really began to ignore me (and sometimes I'd wait up for him with lingerie, but when he still wasn't home by 2am I'd fall asleep in frustration) I would sometimes fantasize about having a really good orgasm...but when we actually would have sex the pleasure was all his.

No wonder I "wasn't initiating" as often as he wanted!


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over at least a 6-year period, at least twenty
1 OC 5 yrs old and another on the way (by different ONS)
DIVORCED AND FREE!!!!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2013
myowndystopia
♀ Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like my WH and I were trapped in a vicious circle. Although I was quite certain he was having an affair, he never confirmed nor denied when asked----so sex was not that often (not weekly but maybe monthly) and my feelings of resentment towards his suspected infidelity surely fueled my lack of interest. And, according to him- my lack of interest was basically me pushing him away to be with someone else. But then my lack of interest was knowing he was with someone else...... The circle never ends.....


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
turtle72
♀ Member
Member # 21773
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first marriage was sexless, always was. I had a block in that department when it came to him - unless it was for the purpose of conceiving a child I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I would try and would inevitable "make a face" and he would shut down. We went a year at least at one point without sex. He was not meeting my needs in any department but I wasn't withholding it because if that - it was like a negative physical reaction to him.

There is no excuse for cheating but I can see how someone not rejecting him must have felt good.

Current WH and I did it like rabbits. If we skipped a day it was too long for both of us - he still cheated.


Me: 41 BS/WW/BS
2 kids 9 & 11, 3 steps 20, 8 and 3
BS 1st DDay 10/14/08, 5 mo. PA w/ MOW
WW 2nd D-Day 3/22/10, my exit A with HS BF
Separated 4/19/10
Married H #2 10/8/11
BS latest Dday 12/28/13 - PA w/ single COW

Posts: 2207 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Massachusetts
quizical
♀ New Member
Member # 21066
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I have been together 21 years, married 16 and have not had sex for 8 years. I think that makes our marriage sexless. I want to have sex- not particularly with him anymore- but those pesky little marriage vows.
So it is sexless- I am at a point where I am deciding if I can wait to finish school before filing for divorce- or if I should just do it.

I strongly suspect- but don't care- that he is cheating. A lot of un-accounted for time, phone is always completely free of text messages- and a lot of call from numbers that he doesn't have programmed- people that he supposedly talks to regularly. I could check- but why bother.

So yes- people do have sexless marriages- it's just how we chose to handle it.


If you see the wonder of a fairytale- you can face the future, even if you fail.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Florida
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh hell yeah.
WH had Ed so I with compassion explained, I was willing to proceedd with our marriage. With compassion, caring and understanding. Marries since late 1970'salways good sex life but wh had medical problems that eventually caused Ed.

What happene, he told me he was having heart cath,but in reality it was a. Penile implant. Just not forus, but AP and whomever.
Shock,hurt and disbelief. He thought he was never going robe found out WRONG.
I am done.


You know that saying I like you butI don't love you.....mine is after all these years. I love you butI don't like you.

I survived The ultimate B S


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 623 | Registered: Jul 2012
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before he cheated, we were not married, but we definitely were not sexless by anyone's definition. We were having sex at least 5 times a week.

We are NOW in a sexless marriage, for some various reasons (and it is sexless for BOTH of us, nobody is cheating anymore). By "sexless," I mean less than 10 sexual encounters per year. I'm not thrilled- but he refuses to do anything to change the problem, and whenever I try to talk about it, my words go in one ear and out the other. Most of the reason we don't have sex revolves around his drinking. By the time we're both home from work in the evening, have dinner, and my daughter is put to bed (around 8:30), he is usually too drunk. Or we are arguing. Or something else comes up entirely. It's sad. I expected to have a sexless marriage in my 60's. Not in my 20's, married to someone in his 20's.

With my daughter's dad- we were not in a sexless relationship at all. We did stop having sex for 10 weeks after I had a c-section, so he feels that the relationship was sexless for a "long period of time" and that justified him cheating before, during, and after that time period. Asshat.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to admit I usually crack up laughing when I've read claims by OW that their married boyfriends sleep on the couch or in the guest room and are NOT having sex with their wives.

This thread simply confirms what I already knew. While some couples do experience a change in the frequency of when they have sex (during their spouse's affair), it's still pretty rare indeed when it completely stops.



.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 5:14 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
RuckedUp
♀ New Member
Member # 34268
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The definition for a sexless marriage accepted by the counselors I have seen is less than 10 times a year. I've been married 35 years. My marriage has met that definition for 30 of those years. It has met the definition of no sex for at least 20 of those years. But they are not consecutive years. We attempted sex once a year ago but he couldn't maintain an erection. The same thing happened the year prior, the one time we attempted sex. Three years ago we had sex one time. The longest we have gone without sex is five years. We have twice had that long a time between attempts.

He rejects me and has always been the one to say no. He gives me no reason and he refuses to attend counseling with me. I have read almost everything written on the subject. He says he loves me dearly and doesn't know why he doesn't want sex with me. Before menopause, I wanted sex with him daily. Menopause decreased my drive therefore I now live comfortably without it. However the four times he has wanted to try again since then, I have been a willing and eager participant. Twice we succeeded and twice we failed. That was four attempts in four years.

Still he is the one cheating. I think his affair is an EA because I've searched and that is all I can find evidence of occurring. He has cheated most of our marriage. But he says his EAs are not cheating.

So yes there are sexless marriages. Still no excuse for cheating.

[This message edited by RuckedUp at 5:52 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 33 | Registered: Dec 2011
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our marriage was sexless... But that was because he was watching porn 4-6 hours DAILY, and leaving nothing for me. Most of them men who use this as an excuse are the reason there was no sex...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
hangingonin
♀ Member
Member # 29530
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't in a sexless relationship, but after a few years it was always me initiating it. Once he started seeing other women, my initiations were always rejected. I spent a long time wondering why. Now I know it was because he was getting it elsewhere!

Posts: 77 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: SE England, UK
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a big thing that I had to face up to. Before d-day we hadn't had sex in around 8 years.Sometimes he'd reach over in the middle of the night, but I'm really really ashamed to say I rejected him again and again. The truth at the core of our marriage and also its ultimate failure was that I felt no physical attraction to him. I did love him though, but as he said 'more like room-mates'. The thing was I assumed that I just wasn't a very sexual person. I've since found out otherwise... I knew those sexless years were a massive danger signal for our marriage - and I knew how rejected and useless he felt. I often asked if we could talk about things, and I would have readily gone to counselling, but he preferred not to. Just gradually turned his attention away and then eventually, almost inevitably, fell in love with OW.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 882 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We sort of were, but by WH's choice, not mine.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13812 | Registered: Jul 2011
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before dday I'd say we had sex 6-10 times per year for the previous 3 years. I consider that pretty sexless.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
erzulie
♀ Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH said our marriage was sexless. Sex had dwindled - but this was a health setback; I had four uterine fibroids that were causing me pain and endless bleeding. He knew about this ...

I had a conversation with him on June 18, 2013, talking about my most recent bloodwork results and the current "plan of attack" for treatment. He offered to go to my upcoming doctor appointments with me. I found out later that, immediately after that conversation, that he went online, upgraded his membership to one of his sex search sites, and emailed several women to try to hook up.

I guess the realization that his wife had continued health issues caused him concern that he would be missing out on the sex he needed. About a week later, he hooked up with one of those women.

In therapy, after D-Day, he claimed he didn't know about my health issues. I found one of the more detailed conversations we had on the matter, via email, debunking his claim. I think the simple truth was just that he didn't care one iota about me or my health, apart from the context of how it affected his sex life.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The sex in our marriage slowed down considerably after he started his LTA. He started grabbing my boobs and between my legs which pissed me off and he knew it. He was often drunk when he did this, so I put it off to that. It would cause major fights because I found it totally disrespectful, and I would wind up sleeping in the guest room.

When OW called me to out the affair, that was the one thing she was concerned about. I of course refused to answer her questions about our sex life. I guess she wanted to know if he had been lying to her and telling her we never had sex. We had really had sex the night before, but I wasn't sharing that info with her whoring ass. She already knew enough about me and I never knew she even existed. It then made perfect sense why he was so grabby, becuase she let him do it to her skanky ass.

Anyway, we did go through the HB after DDay#1. It didn't stop him from having sex with her again. Now I feel no obligation to have sex with him. Like a previous poster he is usually drunk and passes out long before bed and I have made it clear that he is not to wake me up for sex. If he wants it, stay sober long enough to get it, otherwise he is shit out of luck.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We did not have a sexless marriage. We were pretty regular (3-5 times per week) the entire marriage. I can say that it became much less frequent after DDay and during 3 years false R. Finally, it became the sexless marriage he claimed that we had.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1783 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH claimed he had to beg for sex, told his APs I was frigid. We had sex once a week until he decided to be faithful to his PA and cut me off.

Its kind of hard to get excited about sex with someone who only wants quickies, right before having sex says I haven't showered in two days so lets have sex before I get cleaned up, or my personal favorite - wakes me up after coming home drunk and wants to have sex for an hour.

Yep - my sex life after kids and pre-A was so awesome. Basically I just had to show up and lay there. I was a living breathing blow up doll. He didn't care that my needs were not met and maybe that was the problem.

Our sex life has been rocky since D-Day. But since our M lacks any real intimacy because he wants his secrets - well you do the math.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll be honest and say that I wasn't too impressed with most of this thread. The common theme seemed to be from BWs was a concession of a mostly sexless marriage but with it being the man's fault: not doing enough, not being attractive enough, etc. Kinda disillusioning.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
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