WH and my sex life was good prior to kids. We had a good connection and an active sex life. Post baby it was tough to adjust. WH wanted more and I wanted more than just a quickie. I was tired, my muscles ached, I was nursing, I was up all night with babies and working a full time job I hated. Five minutes allocated to sex before he had to jump into the shower was not doing it for me.
WH was cheating through most of this. So he was supremely selfish. He was done before I got started. Yes I did shut down and not communicate my needs. He did the same. I was in the same sexless M (and actually got cut off for months at a time and rejected) both before and after D-Day. Its hard to get excited when you are a live action sex toy rather than a human being.
I know I hurt him before he actually had sex with someone else. My sexless M was not as sexless as he led his APs to be. we had sex weekly, bad sex, but weekly sex nonetheless. Most of the time it was two times a week and then there was the random time when we would go two weeks without sex. After he went NC and was in withdrawal from his AP and not exercising good mental NC, he cut me off again. We had sex once every six weeks. He told me he wasn't that into sex and probably never would be again. Once again - I did not cheat.
In our case our "sexless" M was probably more his doing due to his selfish behavior and his re-writing of our sex life.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
Many of the BS's here also have said their WH's had ED issues, but they were okay with that because they loved them and felt marriage was more than just sex.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Plus it didn't help that he let me learn he was only interested in Chinese girls. My body isn't horrible but it certainly doesn't resemble a 12 year old boy.
She was the WW. Apparently, she was regularly having sex.
I stayed faithful.
[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 8:00 PM, January 12th, 2014 (Sunday)]
Or is it simply inconceivable that there are relationships in which women are not responsible for the lack of sex?
Shortly after his affair began - (probably only happened 1 or 2 times at that stage) we went on our 2nd honeymoon. Plenty of intimacy then too (lots of time together - both physically - and emotionally (so I thought)) - in fact WH calls this a marital highlight for him! Although he was emailing OW#1 during our trip.
Immediately on our return he got straight back in with OW#1 and shortly after added in a 2nd affair.
Over the following year or two during his PAs, our sexual intimacy dwindled considerably to about 1-2/month. He said he was tired and depressed - even resigned from his role. I tried to be the supportive wife - not complaining about it for fear of hurting his "fragile manly ego" in a sensitive area.
For us the infrequency was the result of his affairs not the cause. If I am entirely honest our sex life has always been a bit ho hum for me as WH is inclined to be quite selfish in bed unless I push for more. He can still be more about his satisfaction than mine - although this has improved. I guess it was the same in his PAs as by all accounts it was mostly BJs for him.
I think the way I was raised made it hard for me to be honest about my dissatisfaction in this area. I was taught you never made your spouse feel inadequate or not good enough in any area especially not in the sexual performance area - you just accepted it. I also wasn't above faking it. WH would get all down and passive aggressively silent if I mentioned suggestions on how to improve things - so i give up mostly and let him think it was better for me than it was so he would feel better about himself. I am a rescuer and besides I loved him and was happy with most other parts of our marriage so reasoned that I should thankful for those. I wasn't a perfect wife but I actually think I was still a great loyal, giving and supportive wife. I am trying hard to be both sensitive and honest in this area but at times go back to old habits. Especially if I trigger during sex and he has no idea - then I just want it over - the reality is I should ask him to stop but am too scared of upsetting him.
[This message edited by avicarswife at 10:06 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]
I'll be honest and say that I wasn't too impressed with most of this thread. The common theme seemed to be from BWs was a concession of a mostly sexless marriage but with it being the man's fault: not doing enough, not being attractive enough, etc. Kinda disillusioning.
Yeah, I agree. I was the BM in a sexless relationship for years at the fault of my WW, but I guess I don't count.
[This message edited by Jesu at 10:41 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]
I was the BM in a sexless relationship for years at the fault of my WW, but I guess I don't count.
The common thread, I feel, is that it is the person who is less invested in the marriage who withdraws sexually (most of the time) and is the WS, male or female.
I must admit that I was aware for years that I was simply the person he had sex with as a release after hours of looking at porn. Since he ignored my concerns about it and got angry, it did nothing for my self-esteem and certainly made me contemptuous of him. I did not know until after Dday that he was using cialis to masturbate with after porn on a routine basis.
So it was a never-ending cycle. He was chatting and looking at porn on the Internet because I "wasn't there" for him, and I wasn't there for him b/c he was spending his time on the computer. The cycle continued. He also feels that I am "inhibited," which I believe is influenced by his viewing of internet porn.
In addition, due to a medical condition that I have, sex can be physically uncomfortable for me. So I didn't have a strong drive anyways.
So while he may have told OW that he was in a sexless marriage (although he said they didn't talk about our marriage), a big reason was because of his behavior (lack of interest in me).
Ya…I divorced her.
I wanted to add this. I always held sex in such high regard with in our marriage. I considered it special and deeply intimate...and I treated it as such. It wasn't just a physical act for me...a release, it was emotional and spiritual connection. I respected it as an important form of communication and expression of love. It was one of the ways I showed love and it was certainly how I felt loved in return...my love language. I guess that was too boring for her...she chose to cheapen and desecrate it. For her to take something I felt was so important, so lightly, and disrespect it by cheating, destroyed it for me. There was no longer anything special about it with her.
[This message edited by Decimated at 11:58 AM, January 13th (Monday)]
He thought I was tending towards frigidity, I've told him that was such a long way from the truth, I just needed to feel an emotional connection to him BEFORE having sex, and that was what was lacking.
It does, though, make it easier for me to believe him when he says what he got from the LTA was sexual relief, nothing else. She wanted more, wanted to move in together, he made it plain that was never going to happen. Did he use her? Yes, he admits he did. But she knew the score, and was prepared to accept whatever crumbs from him in the hope that one day....Well sucks to her, that never happened.
If I'm honest I never realised how badly our lack of sex affected him. NO EXCUSE WHATSOEVER for having a lying, cheating affair, but I do wish we'd communicated better on the subject, and I'd been more explicit in explaining where I was struggling in our relationship.
My husband had a heart attack, he started insisting he was going to die, but was sneaking around smoking. I had quit the moment the doctor said he will die if you don't quit.
3 Times in one year I had to call ambulance for him as he cussed me out. I gained 45 lbs, I had never gained weight before. I was miserable. He was whining and still smoking, I found out when he admitted to smoking to doctor on 2nd visit.
I was crushed. I had always trusted him and the lying began.
He would use the line "I am going to die" to get his way on everything.
He wanted to build new house I was wary of taking it on due to his health but gave in. I realize now he hoped to make big exit bucks on it after he left me.
He was hanging with an "innocent" child molester that I believed at the time. I have since read court documents and am sick to my stomach how I could have this POS in my home.
They were working together, spending free time together acting like a married couple. Looking back, with his butt buddy ( he flinched the first time I called him that) always bring wine ( named after having a threesome, sorry can't remember name, asking me to retell the romantic story of ex & I meeting, repeating over & over Escape Her making sure to separate the name of our motorhome. gag it is all horrific the mind games these 2 played.
He started talking about SEX all the time. He was like a nasty little dog humping anything in sight. He was totally disgusting!
So we build new home, I start having digestive problems, he finds out that he will be laid off of his 6 figure job, and the world starts spinning. My pain became intense, was worried about colon cancer. He shut down.
He did not want to deal with the foreclosure of our home, my illness so off the slimy piece of dog shit ran off. He & butt buddy had been working together and had made friends with a hardass methy whore, probably had 3 way sex.
Guess where he ran.... right into the meth ugly ass whore's home. GAG!
I loved & trusted this man for 19 years but I could not respect him or trust him enough to have sex with him for 5 years because he was lying, over sexed (dry humping my cat, who does that!) cheating(know now) through the MOST difficult period in my life.
Perhaps TMI, but we had a discussion last night that French kissing to him always turned him on. To me, it was just a lovely way to be intimate, without 'going the whole way'. Again, is this the difference between men and women?
Not sexless here either but not as often as he wanted. Not sure why I wasn't turned on by him packing on over 30 pounds and leveling up in Assassin's Creed after 14 hours of playing it on his days off.