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Newest Member: LoveBetrayed (45355)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Pointed questions
copout
♀ Member
Member # 22421
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're married.Period.


Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.

Posts: 293 | Registered: Jan 2009
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He isnt coming home and volunteering the info, the kid ASKED. He was being honest. At an age when he asks honesty from his kid, I think reciprocating the honesty is important.

I like tesla's response, too.

And jeez! Not all states are file and done Ds. Some make you wait. A. Long. Time. I will be waiting a long time, so keep some flames out for me.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 9:37 AM, January 13th (Monday)]


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 497 | Registered: Nov 2013
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not divorced, and I've done a little bit of dating. I don't even think we have a waiting period here, but it's been over a year of ridiculousness dealing with this a-hole, and we are heading to trial in March. I'm not working off his timeline for when I date, I'm working off my personal healing and just waiting till I'm ready..

As far as the kids, there was one guy who was pretty good to me. We didn't see each other much as I almost always have the kids, but we were communicating pretty often for about 2 months when DS10 asked me who I was texting with. I told him there was a man I was talking to who was being very nice and sweet to mommy. He asked if he was a "boyfriend," and I told him, "No, we are just talking right now," but I asked DS10 if he would be okay if I did get a boyfriend, and he said, "Of course!"

I believe in being honest with children, telling them the truth, and then supporting them and ensuring them things will be okay.

I don't plan on springing a man on the kids out of nowhere, keeping him a secret until months later when we are serious. Pretty sure I will let the kids know slowly if I start developing a relationship. Not telling them too much of course, or taking them on a ride of ups and downs with different men, but just letting them know and supporting them along the way when they ask questions.

I agree your kid might not have needed the technical answers of married versus not married and that he probably just wanted assurance that you will not be prioritizing this woman over him as your wife has done with her OM. He's probably just scared he will lose you, so I think maybe you could have focused on your relationship with him rather than your relationship with the woman..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2328 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone. Yep, I've never volunteered information about my dating life - which has been almost non-existent until recently. Whenever the boys ask me questions, I am honest, while trying to answer in an age-appropriate way.

I know that I'm not cheating. We may still have the piece of paper, but The Princess obviously hasn't considered us married for a while (if ever). Once I moved out, I didn't consider us married either. It could be another year before all paperwork is actually done. This may sound like bullshit justification on my part, and maybe it is. But I'm moving on with my life.

I have no doubt that they are getting lies from their mom - because that's just what she does - so I want to be the parent they trust. I'm certainly not sharing any intimate details with the boys. They know her first name, and that we go on dates when they're not here. I have to agree, since 10 is asking these questions, it may mean that he thinks it's cheating, or at least that he doesn't understand. And that's the part I have a problem with. I obviously need to think about how to handle this.

Thanks for answering.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree your kid might not have needed the technical answers of married versus not married and that he probably just wanted assurance that you will not be prioritizing this woman over him as your wife has done with her OM. He's probably just scared he will lose you, so I think maybe you could have focused on your relationship with him rather than your relationship with the woman..

That's a good thought, BG. Thank you!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're welcome! Oh, and I forgot to say congrats on meeting a nice woman. Seems like good people are hard to find sometimes!

And another reason for not telling the kids too much? The fact that the info will very likely be repeated to your ex. My ex doesn't get to know details of my personal life anymore, so I don't tell the kids anything I don't want him to know.. And this is why any talk of my dating life is kept minimal, short and sweet.


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2328 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's funny, the strong opinions here I think reflect our own experiences with infidelity.

I've always been told by the parenting coordinators and psychologists that you shouldn't talk about your dating to your children, but I don't know exactly what you should do, then, if they ask. Kids are smart.

My divorce trial just got postponed again bc Genius (my STBX) isn't cooperating fully with the child custody evaluator. It will be a full three years from the day I kicked him out to the day I get divorced. I have not even been able to think about dating. But at this point, I wouldn't blame myself if I did. I'm told to move on in every other way: new house, neighborhood, jobs, schools for kids, etc.

It's really a judgement call, and every situation is a little different.

Pass, I will tell you that this subject sort of came up recently in my house, and my nearly nine-year-old son's eyes welled up in tears, and he said, "I don't want you to ever marry anyone else." He felt terribly threatened after watching his family implode. Just a thought about how kids think.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 27
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