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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What is this?
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is anyone else's WS showing slight remorse, blame shifting, NC w others, no transparency, saying they aren't sure they have the energy to help you heal, but also dropping comments saying things like I can't breathe without you, and I can't imagine finding someone else, and I'm lonely, or I don't want to move on? This is during in-house separation by the way with no intimacy and basically separate lives. Anyone? It's do confusing.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 709 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peoplepleaser, while I have not had the inhouse separation, I have had the talk out of both sides of his mouth. It became obvious that he wasn't ready to commit yet to the relationship. In my case, he was still involved. Once he committed, those conversations stopped and the commitment to help me heal began.

Sending support your way.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
heartbroken303
♂ New Member
Member # 41572
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, blame shifting is common from what I hear. I've dealt with it.

My WS has been pretty weak too at times and can't really give me the support I'd like to get from her. Really I try to be responsible for fixing myself; at this point I don't trust or depend on anybody.


Me (BS) 42
Her (WS) 41
DD #1 October 31, 2013 She admits to on-line emotional affair.
DD #2 November 27, 2013 She admits to sexual affair the previous weekend.
Married 17 years, together for 23 years-2DDs
OM - Married coward with children

Posts: 48 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Denver, CO
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi peoplepleaser...I know exactly what you are talking about. I too am in an in house separation. No intimacy and leading seperate lives. I also get the whole, you're my life I don't want to loose you, I can't believe what I did, that I hurt you so much bla bla bla. One the other side of the coin, I get no serious remorse, no evidence he is trying to change, just nothing! I get she was just a friend, I don't know why you are so upset, I needed someone to talk too because you made me feel like I was in the way at home ( in all honesty he kinda was as I got tired of asking for help and never getting it). He says he's tired and suffering too.

I can guarantee they are not in contact ( I have ways of finding out) I think that he is just too lazy to move on or to fight for our marriage. It would all take too much effort.

Here is where I stand.....I have a very comfortable lifestyle, I work at a job I love and my money is mine alone. His money pays bills etc. I manage all finances, have credit cards that are in his name and spend what I want. I have great friends who I spend time with and basically enjoy my life. We have no children. We have been married 25 yrs and Frankly the intimacy has been lacking in our marriage for a long time sooooo.....I have decided to stay put, enjoy the benefits that I have and let him hang himself. Meanwhile I plan for the worse and if he comes around great. If not then who knows what will happen. I am in no way ready to enter any kind of relationship now or in the future. If I should get to the point where I want that intimacy again, then I will move forward with the D papers I have already had drawn up. I have just reached a point of not really being invested anymore. I know thatis bad and if he comes around it might be too late, but it is all I have left right now.

I hope that you find the path right for you.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the posts. That's pretty much what I'm doing. I start individual counseling this week. I'm getting back into the gym, too. I have a few plan B options, but I'm pretty much reliable on WS for financial support right now. Tonight I finally got some truth I can believe--after I posted this. There is still some blame shifting, by focusing on my faults in the relationship. I know we had problems in our relationship, but they are still too linked to the As for me to feel I have full remorse. And the remorse that was revealed was more for WS lamenting about how our relationship and how she was in it led to her acting against her own integrity rather than how they hurt me. As it stands, the separation continues but we are both seeking IC to work on ourselves independently and discover if the relationship is salvageable. In the midst of all that was shared, there is no lack of love for either of us. Just a lot of damage between us. I'm sure the IC will help us see clearly to move forward, however that happens.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 709 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
PRNDL
♂ Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Story of my life for the past few months since I moved out. She had an A for one year. D-day 9 months ago. Kept cheating for 6 months during false R.

She has been back and forth. It gets fucking old.

Does not truly show remorse, but hints that she wants me back.

The was making me feel guilty at first, but my friends here at SI showed me the truth.

There are very specific things a WS must do to show remorse, and this shit is one one of them.


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Words are cheap & easy. They cost the speaker nothing. Nothing. Actions are where you'll see truth.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
StruckNumb
♀ Member
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I share this hell. I thought we were in reconciliation but I just started writing down my flags and am seeing we're not.
------
When he is on business trips out of country, I get numerous harassing phone calls using our secret code

Early September, 2013, on the anniversary date of one of their secret hotel trips years ago (I was out of town visiting parents), he is contacted by her by text, he notifies me and shows me he blocked  her on his chat app.

But on September 27, 2013, he changes his google and work email accounts to where I can no longer access them remotely.

Early October, 2013,  he mentions he would like me to show up in Las Vegas two days after he arrives there for business trip

November, 2013 she shows up in his Linkedin account as a contact with "recent conversation" tag
He says he doesn't know how this happened

On same day, November, 2013, I find his car *still* loaded with babywipes, deoderant, wine opener, breath mints 

November, 2013, I  investigate his web traffic (what he didn't quickly scrub), found a number of queries for encrypting emails, privacy of emails, how to hide on the internet

Late 2013, acquires new work computer but keeps it locked with a password different from the prior work computer.  Does not offer transparancy that is necessary for reconciliation to begin.

January, 2014, I verify with linkedin staff this is impossible for her to show up without an invitation sent by one or the other

Early January, 2014,  again says he would like me to show up in Las Vegas two days after him, gives no reason why other than "stress,". Appears upset I won't go along with it then says to drop it.  Again, in MC therapy session, gives no logical reason other than "stress"

January, 2014,  learn he's researching anonymous FreeNAS and encrypting email, anonomy

January 6, 2014, installs other chat app in addition to the app he has now called Wechat, research:  Wechat is known for having higher security, you cannot view it without passcode.  He has blocked her from the the first app chat (the one that is open and I have access to) but this one is held in secret.  

***Why now two seperate chat apps??***

January 8, 2014,  receive harrassing phone call using our secret code, the day before another business trip
Upon this, He says "she's not a friend to us". *No mention of her no longer being a friend of his.*  Has angry face the next morning when I say she should be taking care of her children instead stalking the wife of her married lover when their affair was suppose to have ended over a year earlier.

January 11, 2014,  I acquire info of email showing affair was not 4 years long but actually 7 years ( possibly longer) the email  is early 2007, so discovered he's been lying about this detail all along.  Also info found of visits to highend, five star restaurants that I haven't been to dated early 2007.  ****The big red flag is after being found out, he's still lying when he's now called upon to speak the truth so that we may both heal.****

[This message edited by StruckNumb at 1:49 AM, January 13th (Monday)]


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
StruckNumb
♀ Member
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I share this hell. I thought we were in reconciliation but I just started writing down my flags and am seeing we're not.
------
When he is on business trips out of country, I get numerous harassing phone calls using our secret code

Early September, 2013, on the anniversary date of one of their secret hotel trips (I was out of town visiting parents), he is contacted by her by text, he notifies me and shows me he blocked  her on his chat app.

But on September 27, 2013, he changes his google and work email accounts to where I can no longer access them remotely.

Early October, 2013,  he mentions he would like me to show up in Las Vegas two days after he arrives there for business trip

November, 2013 she shows up in his Linkedin account as a contact with "recent conversation" tag
He says he doesn't know how this happened

On same day, November, 2013, I find his car *still* loaded with babywipes, deoderant, wine opener, breath mints 

November, 2013, I  investigate his web traffic (what he didn't quickly scrub), found a number of queries for encrypting emails, privacy of emails, how to hide on the internet

Late 2013, acquires new work computer but keeps it locked with a password different from the prior work computer.  Does not offer transparancy that is necessary for reconciliation to begin.

January, 2014, I verify with linkedin staff this is impossible for her to show up without an invitation sent by one or the other

Early January, 2014,  again says he would like me to show up in Las Vegas two days after him, gives no reason why other than "stress,". Appears upset I won't go along with it then says to drop it.  Again, in MC therapy session, gives no logical reason other than "stress"

January, 2014,  learn he's researching anonymous FreeNAS and encrypting email, anonomy

January 6, 2014, installs other chat app in addition to the app he has now called Wechat, research:  Wechat is known for having higher security, you cannot view it without passcode.  He has blocked her from the the first app chat (the one that is open and I have access to) but this one is held in secret.  

***Why now two seperate chat apps??***

January 8, 2014,  receive harrassing phone call using our secret code, the day before another business trip
Upon this, He says "she's not a friend to us". *No mention of her no longer being a friend of his.*  Has angry face the next morning when I say she should be taking care of her children instead stalking the wife of her married lover when their affair was suppose to have ended over a year earlier.

January 11, 2014,  I acquire info of email showing affair was not 4 years long but actually 7 years ( possibly longer) the email  is early 2007, so discovered he's been lying about this detail all along.  Also info found of highend, five star restaurants that I haven't been to dated early 2007.  ****The big red flag is after being found out, he's still lying when he's now called upon to speak the truth so that we may both heal.****

[This message edited by StruckNumb at 1:49 AM, January 13th (Monday)]


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
StruckNumb
♀ Member
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the double post


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StruckNumb,

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The flags are pretty convincing that he is not willing to reconcile. I wish there was some way to make you feel better. It sucks to realize you have to entertain the 180, but it seems you are there. Without transparency and genuine remorse, moving forward with the relationship is not going to happen in a way that will prevent As from continuing or recurring. In my case I believe there is no one else, and I believe there will be no one else. What I'm stuck on is the remorse. Time will tell for both of us. My heart aches for you.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 709 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
StruckNumb
♀ Member
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you PP, I feel for all of us here. This nothing we have willingly signed up for. My IC therapist says some waywards never feel remorse because they can't and we have to decide if that's important to us. At this point, I just want to know the difference between what is truth and what is a lie. And, more than this, I want to know why I even bother


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
StruckNumb
♀ Member
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sidenote: Wow, I just learned WeChat is often and super easily used by Western men for hooking up with Asian women for one night stands.

[This message edited by StruckNumb at 7:07 AM, January 13th (Monday)]


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
Topic Posts: 13

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