(Sorry in advance for this long post and any possible thread-jack )
I am very happy you posted, as like Jrazz I have been following AN's post. As a WS/BS I can't post for a stop sign.
Yesterday was 2 years out from my discovery of BF's affair and we are now 10 years out since I disclosed my infidelity to BF.
When I fist came to SI I came as the betrayed spouse. My own infidelity seemed such ancient history. It didn't seem current to our issues.
One veteran SI member - I felt gave me a pretty hard time. She never really held her punches with anyone. She asked really tough questions, and challenged my involvement in my H's threads.
Other people asked similiar questions - but with a very different tone. and with a lot more patience.
I very nearly left SI - but pushed through. My H, was very uncomfortable and only came in and out periodically and not at all for more than a year.
I really agree with you, AN & Jrazz. that you will not find people here who will just agree with you - especially not in Wayward. sometimes there will be a couple of ppl who go really hard really early. There are also a lot of people who offer kindness and support while you go through those scary first weeks / months.
Generally the balance of this works out to really help people. Sometimes, like all communities - we don't get the mix quite right and someone who could use a little more of one or the other doesn't get what they need and chooses to find support elsewhere. I have seen some people go and feel sad that we couldn't have been more for them. although accept that we are limited.
However - from time to time people come who just don't want to do the work. Or who are looking to have their position supported and bolster their confidence for a path they have already struck.
When I first arrived here I was not NC with my affair person. I thought as we had been friends and had friends in common and our physcial encounter was "limited' and my H had my voluntary disclosure - that i didn't need to go to that extent.
In my head I had also exempted the AP from responsiblity as it was all MY responsibility I was the married person.
In watching and encouraging my H. to take his journey I realised exactly what I needed to do. I have been completely no contact with the AP since May 2012.
Not for a day have I regretted it. I now see them as what they are, duplicitous and shallow. I was not the only married person they had been involed with (by their own admission). The 'AP has no place in my life.
I choose my H's dignity, emotional stability and my vows over the pretence of friendship with the AP and 'keeping up appearances'.
And I choose my own integrity. The one measure I will hold myself against.
H had never asked for no contact - he probably didn't know to - but I should have done it by instinct immediatly as part of my disclosure of my unfaithfulness. I put up lots of excellent boundaries - did lots of things to protect our marriage and family from future intrusions arising from my friendships but I should have done this too - much sooner.
From every part of me and unreservedly - I ask for my husbands forgiveness that I did not cease all contact, forever with the other party to my infidelity. That allowed that injury to his dignity to continue for a further 8 years.
Thank you all for reading.