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User Topic: t/j from AN's post
♂ Member
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was spot on Unagie.

I wish my XWW would have joined SI and opened up to those of you in the Wayward Side. After some urging from me, she attempted read some of the threads here but decided that she was right and everyone here was wrong...her affair was extra-special I remember her scoffing at the notion that affairs were not based in reality. Apparently, she was looking for validation...not honesty.

Anyway, I'ts a shame because I know you could have helped her. The advise I've read here is outstanding. I wish she wasn't so stubborn, maybe we would still be married.

Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


(Sorry in advance for this long post and any possible thread-jack )

I am very happy you posted, as like Jrazz I have been following AN's post. As a WS/BS I can't post for a stop sign.

Yesterday was 2 years out from my discovery of BF's affair and we are now 10 years out since I disclosed my infidelity to BF.

When I fist came to SI I came as the betrayed spouse. My own infidelity seemed such ancient history. It didn't seem current to our issues.

One veteran SI member - I felt gave me a pretty hard time. She never really held her punches with anyone. She asked really tough questions, and challenged my involvement in my H's threads.

Other people asked similiar questions - but with a very different tone. and with a lot more patience.

I very nearly left SI - but pushed through. My H, was very uncomfortable and only came in and out periodically and not at all for more than a year.

I really agree with you, AN & Jrazz. that you will not find people here who will just agree with you - especially not in Wayward. sometimes there will be a couple of ppl who go really hard really early. There are also a lot of people who offer kindness and support while you go through those scary first weeks / months.

Generally the balance of this works out to really help people. Sometimes, like all communities - we don't get the mix quite right and someone who could use a little more of one or the other doesn't get what they need and chooses to find support elsewhere. I have seen some people go and feel sad that we couldn't have been more for them. although accept that we are limited.

However - from time to time people come who just don't want to do the work. Or who are looking to have their position supported and bolster their confidence for a path they have already struck.

When I first arrived here I was not NC with my affair person. I thought as we had been friends and had friends in common and our physcial encounter was "limited' and my H had my voluntary disclosure - that i didn't need to go to that extent.

In my head I had also exempted the AP from responsiblity as it was all MY responsibility I was the married person.

In watching and encouraging my H. to take his journey I realised exactly what I needed to do. I have been completely no contact with the AP since May 2012.

Not for a day have I regretted it. I now see them as what they are, duplicitous and shallow. I was not the only married person they had been involed with (by their own admission). The 'AP has no place in my life.

I choose my H's dignity, emotional stability and my vows over the pretence of friendship with the AP and 'keeping up appearances'.

And I choose my own integrity. The one measure I will hold myself against.

H had never asked for no contact - he probably didn't know to - but I should have done it by instinct immediatly as part of my disclosure of my unfaithfulness. I put up lots of excellent boundaries - did lots of things to protect our marriage and family from future intrusions arising from my friendships but I should have done this too - much sooner.

From every part of me and unreservedly - I ask for my husbands forgiveness that I did not cease all contact, forever with the other party to my infidelity. That allowed that injury to his dignity to continue for a further 8 years.

Thank you all for reading.


BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
fWS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 669 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not too much to say except that I think most of our veteran waywards do a good job of matching their level of response with the general attitude that the OP either opens, or responds, with.

I've been on here nearly year and I have trouble recalling any posts wherein the WS was honest, open, and contrite and then was summarily 2x4'ed into oblivion. If a new poster's main objection (and comeback) to responses is that they aren't sufficiently polite...well...I think they may be ignoring the forest for the tress and confusing the tone of the message for the message itself.

I think that part of remorse is recognizing that the people who have BTDT are being analytically critical not due to hate, but due to empathy...they don't want you to make the same mistakes they did.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 7:11 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2180 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been following ANs thread as well and am glad to have a place I can post. Thanks.

One small piece of my wife and I putting our relationship back together revolved around something I called "listening with good intent". So often in relationships we can get conditioned to hearing what we "think" someone is saying instead of listening to what they are really saying. We can pre-program ourselves to getting offended or hurt.

So, my wife and I conciously try to "listen with good intent." If we're hurt by some words, we try to take a step back and say "What is the best possible way that statement can be interpretted? If I assume that my wife/husband loves me and trys to act in a loving fashion, how does that statement sound in that context?"

So . . . for new WS, I encourage you to listen with good intent to the advice that the vets toss your way. Say to yourself, "This is a well intentioned person who cares enough to try to help others in this forum. What can I take from what they are saying if I focus on that good intention instead of the some specific harshness in the message."

My work life has been extremely busy for awhile and I have not been around SI much recently. But, when I do swing by, I continually marvel at the folks that are "always/still" here trying to help. There are some truly incredible people in this forum and we're all blessed to have this resource.

Best luck to all working to heal themselves, their spouse and their marriage.

Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1500 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent advice WarpSpeed. I think most WS new to the site understand that when they receive a 2x4, the one delivering it has their best interest at heart, that it's not done out of meanness or spite but to help them avoid making the same mistakes we did. It might tick them off or make them unsure at first but most come to recognize the intent. As you said, they hear it with good intent and respond in kind.

However and unfortunately, we do get those WS who want us to tell them what they want to hear and get offended or downright snarky if we don't oblige and swing those 2x4s.

BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49

All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
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