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User Topic: Dealing with an affair 25 years later
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Yearsofpain25))))

From what you have written on this thread I don't think you are a sex addict at all...I think that two partners with the same appetite for sex, food, etc is relatively rare..All of us are different and have to adjust to others..

Many level minded, healthy, normal people have voracious appetites for sex, food, excitement..

INHO , the choices people make in dealing with their high or low appetites is what has the most impact on their lives and the lives of those around them...

People can choose to indulge in their appetite for food, drink, sex, excitement in a moral way without taking away from the ones they love..

Qualities such as empathy, generosity and not taking everything personally or for granted can help when there is an adjustment to be made between partners..

My WH is a sex addict..An un-remorseful one.....He feels that he is entitled to his behavior...

WH has always had a much higher appetite for sex than me..Same with food, lol...

My WH is also intolerant of frustration...

We all know that there can be a certain amount of frustration in adjusting to a spouse or partner who has a different personality, different needs, appetites..I guess my WH didn't get taught that lesson..

My WH dealt with our different appetites and his frustration in a negative way.. He put me down verbally...He often told me that there was something was wrong with me..He told me that I was not a good wife in the bedroom..I think part of his problem was that he took any rejection on my part too personally, and was usually hateful to me if I said "not tonight"..

In the year before D day I thought things were getting better between WH and I..We had been to counseling....

I was under the impression that WH finally recognized that the difference between our sexual appetites didn't mean he was sexier than me or vice versa..

I thought he was beginning to realize that compromise between us was more effective than taking things personally and putting me down or leading me to believe that I was never enough for him..

In weeks before my D- day WH's behavior changed but I ignored my gut..

My younger son (18-19 years old at the time), who was already living on his own was visiting me at home..HE found my WH's e-mails open on our desktop computer which was located in the living room...

The computer had gone into idle/screensaver mode because nobody used it for a couple of days..I wasn't in the habit of getting on the desktop computer at all..

My son reactivated the computer to look at an online guitar catalog..

He facetiously asked me if WH and I were into threesomes ..He then brought my attention to the monitor screen with WH's e-mails open...

During my sons' teen years, my WH was a SAHD ..Up until last year (retirement), I worked full time, long hours, many holidays, every other weekend..

I was the main, and often the sole breadwinner in our M..

I was still there for many of our sons' extra curricular activities.. I enjoyed spending time doing stuff with them for relaxation..

One would think that WH being available at home ( on a full time basis ) during the teen years would have brought both kids closer to him..

But, I think my kids had better gut instincts than me and or knew something was up with their dad that I didn't....

They moved out to live on their own as soon as they were old enough and had stable incomes, and this was prior to my D day..

One can love somebody but find it bad/toxic for his or her soul to live with that person..

Kids are very perceptive..They may not find out about their parents affairs or business unless told, but they begin to suspect that something is off or wrong with their parents almost immediately..

I am blessed that both of my kids appreciate my support and enjoy my company and that I feel the same way about them..

They feel sorry for their dad...



Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
Mrs. Jones
♀ New Member
Member # 31032
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude- you need to move on. Seriously stop blaming your mother for everything that ever went wrong. It was messed-up, but after 25 years it's time to let go- you are only hurting yourself.

Good luck.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2011
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are absolutely 100% right Mrs. Jones. I thought I had forgiven her a long time ago. And in some ways I have but mostly I clearly haven't. I buried all of this for so long that it wasn't until my mom started talking about her KISA this past Oct that it really all came flooding over me at once. It really hits me when I look at my kids.

These are the first steps for me. I'm starting to admit that I need IC and that's something I probably wouldn't have admitted a week ago.

Forgiveness... I don't have much to say about it. Yet. And I've heard that's what I'm going to need in order to move on. It's soooo much easier to hold onto the anger.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1946 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And thank you for your posts doggiediva. I appreciate them. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your kids.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1946 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgiveness... I don't have much to say about it. Yet. And I've heard that's what I'm going to need in order to move on. It's soooo much easier to hold onto the anger.
Yeah, forgiveness, it is a huge word and holds so much.

When I was a teen, my dad started using me as a punching bag. It was quite shocking as he was an excellent father all my childhood and then all of a sudden.........BAM!!!! My brother and I (the oldest of the 5 of us still living at home) became living, breathing punching bags.

I ran away when I was 17 and was on my own since, basically. I was pretty angry for many years at my father, cut him out of my life. He was toxic and I didn't want him in my life. As the years went on, I forgave my father, not because he deserved it, not because he asked for it, but because the burden of anger I was carrying was weighing me down. I. Just. Let. It. Go. But, he wasn't in my life, it didn't change that he was still toxic to me. No, he didn't deserve to have me and my little family in his life.

Oddly, a few years later my father contacted me. Begged me for forgiveness and I knew he was sincerely sorry and humble. I told him he was already forgiven, and he cried. He was a changed man and I knew it and could feel it. He did not make one excuse for his despicable behaviour and did not place blame anywhere but squarely on himself. My father is the most kind and wonderful man and is in all our lives again. I love him and I know he loves me.

I am sorry this is long. My point is, cut the toxic people out of your life, yearsofpain. I am often confused why people insist on having toxic people in their lives, I don't care if it is a parent and they are elderly. Just because they are elderly doesn't make them some kind of "saint" and the slate is clean. Your mother is obviously toxic to you. I feel she is most likely a narcissist. So toxic! She has done nothing to deserve you or your beautiful family in her life. She deserves to be alone and lonely, that is what she has sown, now it is time for her to reap her harvest.

eta: You bet your sweet ass your wife has gone into "protection mode" yearsofpain. Why would she want this vile woman in her beautiful innocent children's lives when she had not a care of how she destroyed your brother, father and almost you? I want to throat punch your mom and I don't love you like your wife does!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:30 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Justgreatnews
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Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a story. Hard to read, but so enlightening and informative. I still can only shake my head in disbelief at the pain, hurt and destruction cheaters can willfully bring into their marriages and family life.

Utterly astounding what selfishness can do.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes utterly astounding what selfishness can do..

Forgiveness is a two way street..

I think it is selfish to not allow oneself to be forgiven..

I live in an in house separation with my WH..I feel like I have to do things this way..If I D right now or disappear, my WH will go after me..In a few months to a year, my situation/status will be a better one for me to D and physically leave..

With that said, in house separation is one hundred million times better that trying to R with this selfish cheat and have him do more damage to me and my life..I think I have forgiven him and feel sorry for him.. With that said, I can't R with him, I will never trust him ENOUGH..

All though WH and I get along superficially,I don't respect or like him.. When things get down to the wire, WH is all for himself..

I am glad that I see that I don't have to or want to invest in this relationship in other words I don't have to put my faith in WH..

I can carry on with my day to day life on my own schedule as I see fit...

My mom is a different story...

Mom has not been hugely supportive of me or my kids..When my kiddos were born she made sure that I knew that I COULD NOT rely on her as a sitter whenever I needed one...

I told her that I had had no plans to come to her for anything other than the occasional babysitting gig..This did hurt our relationship some, but we were okay..

What caused a HUGE falling out came a few years later..

Mom wrote me a letter..In the letter she said that I made her and my stepdad feel unwelcome in my home..I had no clue of this..I thought I saw to it that everybody had a reasonably good time..

In retrospect I can see that my first D- day had something to do with my parents feeling unwelcome..My parent's visit came after D-day and they could feel the tension in the air.. They didn't feel at ease being in our house..

My step dad (not living) was narcissist..My mom had to cater to his every whim and thought..I believe my stepdad played a large part in our falling out..My stepdad didn't like a feeling of tension in our house/ things had to be all about him..He may have convinced my mom that they weren't welcome and were mistreated when they visited me..

I have forgiven my mom for this falling out, but am not very close to her..This affects how we visit and interact now..Much of this problem comes from her end...I initiate all of the calls and communication that we have..I am an artist/photographer in my spare time..If I text her to share one of my pictures, I get no response or feedback

I will travel to visit Mom in the next month..It has been a long time since I saw her last...I hope my visit will help us get closer..

Mom doesn't have much time left on this earth and I would love to get closer to her if she would let me..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:22 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping up this thread to go with Part III


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1946 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1946 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update,

Some have reached out to me here or in pm's wanting to know a few things.

First, if you are looking for the whole story, I have kept it all under My Story in my profile. The old timers know this but for the newbee's, yo ucan click on the smiley face in the upper right corner of any of my posts. Or All 4 of my threads are here in Just Found Out.

Next, wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to all those that reached out. I really didn't think I would make it past the first post and now here I am with #99. Thank you for accepting me and listening.

Most of the people who have reached out to me are parents that are in a situation that I grew up in or are trying to avoid that situations. I get it. I do. Even though I or my wife have not have had an affair, as a parent I understand that after you pick yourself up off the floor and stop the bleeding the next natural place to protect is the kids and the family. How does one go about doing THAT? Excellent question. Everyone's situation is unique with both having to deal with the A and then protecting the family.

Have you seen strageasfiction's thread? Dear god someone please help that man's family. His thread is such a hot topic on both how he should handle the A as well as what to do with his family. I can't even bring myself to post on the poor guys thread anymore it is such a hot topic. I get people are trying to help, it is such a passionate topic when the family is involved.

Thinking out loud here, because I certainly don't have the answers, maybe SI should carve out a separate section for people to share ideas on how to deal with their children and family crises? Like I said, just a thought. But if that seems to be the second topic to tackle after the BS has picked themselves up off the floor, and I can see in many of the threads it is, maybe there should be a special place for that aspect of it. I've received messages about XWSs as well and how to deal with their impact on the family. As my signature says..."An affair is an emotional, mental, and sometimes physical (STD) assault on the spouse, children, and the family as a whole."

I see too much of that in the world here on SI. Too much. It's heartbreaking.

And lastly, I've said it before, anything that I post here to SI is fair game. If you want to use any part of my story, my quote, whatever, no need to ask permission. I wouldn't recommend printing off my story and handing it to a WS because there is no telling what you may get back in return. But it you do, and I know some have, ALL THE POWER TO YOU! I would be interested to know how it worked out for you. I've received one success story of that happening and it made me feel really good for them. That something as shitty as my past can benefit someone else is mind boggling.

And lastly for the second time, if you read my latest update in Part 4...I'm going to start the hunt for IC next week.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1946 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for posting.

I knew about my father's affair 40 years ago when I was 5 years old. My wxh knew how much pain it caused me, and had an affair anyway.

My parents are still together, but it's very painful to watch.

It's hard for me to be around my dad. I love him, but it's always there in my head.

It will impact my life and cause me pain forever.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7547 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the thread that started "the process" for me. I figured I wouldn't make it past the first post. This entire experience here on SI has meant more to me, my well being, and therefore to my family than you will ever know.

That's what I'm trying to do here. Make myself a better person so that I can be a better father and husband for my family.

SisterMilkShake - I have taken your advice and printed out all four of my threads to hand over at my first session of IC next week. I stripped out the comments/replies. I had a total of 28 pages of !!!

28 pages of . I read back through all four threads including the comments and replies. Many of you took the time to read through the entire thing and have shown me support along the way. The posts, the pm's... I'm speechless. This place is the most amazing support group, friends, and family that I will never know. Even if some just read a piece of the that I posted here blows my mind!

THANK YOU TO ALL!!!

I have made promises to not run away and continue to post my progress as well as more of my story as it unfolds. It's pouring out of me now. Things I thought I had long forgotten have popped back into my head.

Yes. Baby steps with the IC.

Later,
yop


I miss my dog.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1946 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurray, you made an appointment for IC! I am so proud of you!!! Remember, if you don't like him/her don't give up... try another until you find someone you are comfortable with.

I know this was a HUGE step for you. {{{HUGS}}}


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 202 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to be presumptuous and assume that people want to keep hearing how I am doing, but I did promise a few to keep posting... so...

Had my first IC session Mon this week. Surreal for me and I wasn't expecting an empathy reaction from the counselor. Didn't know what to expect but I didn't expect that. I posted a question on it in the General forum and many people assured me that this it normal. I've started to realize through that thread that I think I've become numb and calloused to all of it. To me it's no big deal in that I've lived it and have run through it in my mind a million times. I'm used to it. I guess my story can be "jarring" and "shocking" in some ways to others. Though I don't think my story is nearly as bad as other's here. Not by a long shot. In the real world when someone asks me why I don't celebrate my birthday and I tell them the truth about my brother committing suicide, I do get that shock factor and people are at a loss of what to say. I try not to talk about it at all or sometimes lie about it so that I don't get that shock factor. I've lost touch with the fact that my story can have an effect on others since I, for so long, have tried to not let it have an impact on me. I detached for so long that I forget the human elements to it all. I guess maybe that's why I was so shocked to get responses back from you good folks here at SI. I certainly wasn't expecting it and in fact was, and still am in many aspects, expecting to get rejected. My issues certainly aren't bigger than anyone else's issues and in fact pale in comparison to everyone else's issues here. NOT that I'm comparing or want to compare. I guess what I'm trying to say is that to me it's nbd and I guess I was expecting other's to have the same nbd reaction.

nekorb told me to stop belittling my issues as nbd or else I wouldn't need to go to therapy. true. I'm starting to realize that maybe some of this shit is really bad. If I made several of you cry (or so I got in pm's with other's sharing their stories), maybe it is a big deal? IDK. Sorry. I'm rambling...

ON another front my "flashbacks" haven't been triggered all that much this week and seem to be subsiding again. I don't think it's due to 1 session of counseling and me here on SI. I think I have just been too busy to think about it.

Enough for now. Thanks for listening.

yop.


ETA - Full story in my story section of my profile. Sorry that it's ridiculously long. I took the other 3 threads and put them there (minus the comments and responses).

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 8:21 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1946 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey YOP,

Maybe your IC knows of someone that committed suicide. Your IC will probably not tell you this because it is your therapy not hers. If she did have that happen you have probably found yourself a very good IC because she will truly be able to understand better and be able to help you more.

My step brother (same age as me) shot himself when he was 29. His WW had gone away for the weekend with OM and came back and told him she was leaving and taking the kids. As she was packing up her car he grabbed his gun and that was it.

My step brother and I were close when we were little but my Dad had divorced his Mom years before he took his life so I had not seen him in a few years but I think about him often. I wish he had reached out to someone.

I hope your next session is better but again if you don't feel the connection that she can help you find someone else. I look at IC as a necessity right now. It is good to be able to vent without judgement. It's a lot like this website but as a professional she takes me to a different level explaining things I would never have thought but I get you that it is hard to look at someone in the eye and see tears well up.

One thing my IC asked me to do which has been really hard is "if I could go back and talk to my 6-7 year old self, what would I tell her?" She knows that my childhood was hell. It sucks because when you think of a little kid you want to tell them everything is going to be ok and I just can't do that right now.

Keep it up YOP. I am cheering for you. You'll know when you don't need the IC anymore.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 202 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey YOP, I'm glad you added your update! I keep seeing you give such wonderful support to everyone, but of course you still deserve to get your own support!

As I've read elsewhere here at SI, pain is pain. There is no need to minimize, or downgrade your situation in comparison to others. Listen to nekorb! We are all walking our own journey and all of our struggles are valid and deserve to be recognized. You are taking a big step by going into IC; good for you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4086 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Y'all. I went to read back through this thread last night in prep for today's IC session and realized there were a few more posts. I went back and read through everyone's comments first. I remember being touched by them, but I don't think I really absorbed what people were saying and the stories that were shared. Maybe because I was "triggering" hard for a few weeks there when I wrote this and the other 3 threads out. I barely remember writing them out let alone the content.

I wanted to take a minute to address what people have posted here for me now that I'm able to process and absorb what you amazing SI listeners have said to me.

@damaged71 -

Until everyone alive that has ever known her has died that will be the one identifier that everyone remembers. The fact that she ruined the lives of EVERYONE that was involved.

This is one reason why I'm not letting my kids (10, 8, 3) know about their grandmother until later in life. I want them to have some time with her as a grandmother. My MIL lives with us so they will always be close with her. FIL passed away 15 years ago, they have zero relationship with my dad right now due to crazy step mom (whole other story for another web site), so that really only leaves my mother, which she has very limited exposure to them anyway living in another state. That said, I have it in my head that when/if my kids decide to get married I plan on sitting them down with their fiancees and fiancees parents and letting them know all about this infidelity shit and the pure and utter devastation that it has had on my life and the indirect impact that it has had on theirs. They will never know what it's like to have a "normal" relationship with that set of grandparents. And here's why.... . Hopefully they will listen to this life lesson I have for them. Maybe not. But at least I will have armed them with the example that has forever changed the course of their early FOO. I personally also feel that I will never get over my own grief until both my parents are dead and gone. Otherwise I will be living in it until then.


@HoneyMe -

My daughters were 17 and 21 when they found out. My husband is remorseful and being the husband he should have always been.

Your husband is the key to their healing in the same sense that he is your key to healing. Hopefully he will continue to show remorse with them. It will take him a really long time but it can be done. Maybe he understands now that he didn't just cheat on you but he cheated on the entire family?


@StillStanding1 -

Your story reinforces to me the lifelong trauma that this inflicts on our kids. That makes me so very angry. We were doing such a great job raising happy, healthy, smart, outgoing, and well-adjusted kids. Now they will have lifelong issues with trust, relationships, commitment, integrity. It is absolutely devastating.

There is hope. I believe I saw somewhere around her on SI that you are in R with your H and he has begun showing remorse. Same situation as HoneyMe above. Do I call him a FWH? He is the one of the keys to healing your children. He is showing remorse and needs to continue to do so for a long time to come and your kids will begin to heal. That's a major difference between what you see with me and what you see with your own kids. Remorse. I never got that.


@StruckNumb - Unreal story. Thank you for sharing. Very sad. And now here you are having to deal with how he used you. I'm very sorry for your pain.

@h0peless -

OM was the pastor of our church and my Dad considered him to be his best friend. My Dad also cheated after years of trying to hang in there and married a terribly unstable OW. Mom married the pastor. I won't shed a tear when he dies. I also used it as motivation to never be that sort of person. Unfortunately, I married a cheater and here I am.

Yes. My dad also left for a terribly unstable OW and is now reaping the consequences of that. I can see why my dad left for unstable OW. He was just trying to make a connection I think. Didn't work out so well for him. I believe that my mom is now currently sleeping with what used to be his best friend from what I can piece together. She will never learn and that is one DDay I want no part of.


@StillStanding1 (part 2) -

I hope you will find peace and forgiveness for yourself too. You deserve a life of happiness. You can live out the happiness that your brother denied to himself. Allow yourself to have a happy, productive, healthy, authentic life in honor of him. I am sure he would want this for you.

I have begun IC, but I'm not sure how to do this. I am blessed with a happy and healthy family of my own and I've tried to make the best decisions I could have made. I haven't always been the best husband and father. But I'm working on it to get myself there. Maybe by being "happy" will lead me to being a better husband and father? IDK what the hell I'm doing and don't really feel like I can be truly "happy" or let all of this shit go until my parents are dead and gone.


@Dyokemm - We have a lot in common with our "research". This stuff is so unbelievable. What makes people think that this stuff is ok? Or not as bad as an assault? It's fucking ridiculous. My aunt encouraged and helped the affair. I thought I was close with her. Guess not. I also recently found out on a family vacation this past summer my cousin, that same aunt's son, had an affair on his wife. The ONLY reason I know about it is because one of my other cousins asked me to go out for drinks with him because his usual wingman "has his balls in his wife's purse since the affair." WTF!!! They are all rugsweeping it. Unbelievable.


@doggiediva - I know we have chatted in these threads before, but thanks again for sharing your stories. It sucks that your son had to find out with you. This shit is hard on all of us.

And this

Yes utterly astounding what selfishness can do..
Forgiveness is a two way street..

I think it is selfish to not allow oneself to be forgiven..


Not sure I understand the concept of forgiveness yet.

And this!

My step dad (not living) was narcissist..My mom had to cater to his every whim and thought..I believe my stepdad played a large part in our falling out..My stepdad didn't like a feeling of tension in our house/ things had to be all about him..He may have convinced my mom that they weren't welcome and were mistreated when they visited me.

This narcissism stuff defies comprehension. It's the most difficult aspect of this entire mess that I deal with. How can people be so broken this this logic of thinking. I see it in my mother all the time. The only defense against I have found it to ignore her and tune her out. Sounds like your step dad and my mother should have gotten together and have gone bowling. Ever seen two narcissists together? Exactly!!! Doesn't exist because they can't put up with each other's bullshit.


@SisterMilkshake - thanks again for sharing your story about your father. Yeah, forgiveness. Not a thought I can have at the moment. Your post inspired another conversation between W and I last night. MY FIL went through the same thing you did minus the remorse from his father/uncles.

And this!

You bet your sweet ass your wife has gone into "protection mode" yearsofpain. Why would she want this vile woman in her beautiful innocent children's lives when she had not a care of how she destroyed your brother, father and almost you? I want to throat punch your mom and I don't love you like your wife does!

My W loves you more and more. She appreciated this comment and says yes. This is how she feels. That there have been several times where she has wanted to throat punch my mother. W has spoken up and laid down the law early on. Several years ago my mother said she was afraid of my W. I laughed. My mother is such a chicken shit.


@Williesmom - horrible know that he would go ahead and do that anyway. That in a sense is it's own double betrayal. very sorry.


@iamsoblind42 - thank you for sharing your story about your step brother. Suicide is permanent. Even if you weren't that close towards the end, it's still very painful. Thanks for being in my cheering section with the IC stuff.


@norabird - thanks again for sharing and being all over SI. You are truly an empathetic person. Thanks for being in my cheering section as well.


I was raw and a mess when I posted my threads. There were a few times I hid in the closet and cried. My W said to me last night that she has detected a shift in me going from being raw and an open wound back to being apathetic about all of it. Like my coping mechanisms have all kicked back in. She is of course concerned for me. My mother called last night to wish DS a happy b day. When I spoke to her I was right back to not listening to a word she said. I have no idea what she said to me on the phone last night and I maybe said no more than 10 words myself. She goes on and on about her shit.

I guess I'm back to not caring about any of it at the moment. I'm afraid of what IC might do to me tonight. Come to think of it, during the first IC session I think is where I started to shut down emotionally again so that I could verbally get it out. IDK what the hell I'm doing and it's all so confusing. I just want it to all go away again. This shit is just stupid.

Sorry this post was so long. Ramblings of a mad man...


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1946 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say is WOW!

You have let all of the out and your still standing! Kudos 25YOP!

And you have a loving family unit to boot! I'd say you are headed in the right direction.

Please never feel bad about mad ramblings. That is what these boards are for.

It's really great that you are implementing some of the advice that you receive here on SI. Coming back and reporting the good news makes everyone so proud. So thanks for the updates!

We want you to feel better! And like you said its amazing that something good could come from this un-holy mess!

I hope the IC goes well, and that you will feel comfortable to allow yourself to go through the pain of your early life.

My early life was really shitty too. Adultery was just the tip of the iceberg. Toss in incest and daily beatings and you will get a better idea of the the utter dysfunction in our 'Family'. I grew up very quickly in that house. I learned early on that I was the only one that could take care of ME. But when you are little you don't have much choice, you learn to roll with all of this nasty shit. Can't really move out when your 8 years old.

As a small child, 5 years old, I watched my Mom put my Dad's eye out with a steak knife. He was beating her and she had had it. They didn't know I was even in the room, probably didn't matter anyway, they did not give a shit about us...

I totally get the reticence you have in allowing yourself to feel the pain. Totally. Some of what I just told you and more comes back to me in little bits, flashes of memories...so vivid. I know that my brain will not let me really think about it because it was so traumatic! And with all of that trauma I guess that I am just numb so even with the small glimpses that my brain will allow, I become stoic or use gallows humor to get through the 'memory episode'.

Okay, now I'm rambling!

All that to say, I am so happy that you are finding your way through your labyrinth of pain into a peaceful future. Take care 25YOP.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing Getting to Happy. I'm sorry you went through all of that. It really blows my mind that so many people go through messed up traumas in their childhood. Makes you think sometimes. Take a look around and think that many people around me have gone through some pretty horrible things in their lives and you would never know it.

On a side note, I had IC session #2 last night and to make a long story short, I came out pissed off. Not at the C, I have decided I like her and I'm sticking with her for a while, but at the fact that I picked up some "labels" diagnosis while I was there. Things I already knew and a few of you had pointed out to me in pm's. I just didn't want to hear it is all. She stopped with the "labels" as she didn't want me to worry about them as they "are unimportant". Then I got pissed because she stopped giving them to me. If I have this shit I want to know what it is...even if I just said I don't want the label. See I am crazy.

She said with the multiple traumas I have suffered it's going to take me a long time to work through it all. I replied with I only have one trauma. Singular. I concede that my brother's death was a trauma. She then reads down a list of roughly 12 examples of things I had told her about in the first two sessions (a bunch of stuff that I did not get into on SI) and she again says I have multiple traumas. OK. Whatever C. I'll get comfortable and he here for a while.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1946 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOP, just curious why you are so resistant to acknowledging multiple traumas, and insisting on only having one. Does it make you feel too damaged or overwhelmed to see yourself as having so many different events in your past? Are you still denying, minimizing what you have been through to be 'strong' and try and suppress the past?

Usually when I got mad at my IC it was because she got too close to the truth or was pushing me outside of my comfort zone. Actually I can feel that way on SI when I get 2x4s! Makes me feel bad sometimes that people try and show me where I am going wrong and instead of feeling grateful on seeing their replies I get briefly angry--like, I know best for me! Ha, because my own judgment has been just soooo great. If her increasing the number of your traumas makes you uncomfortable, it's worth thinking about why.

However this is such a huge step that of course you can't deal with everything at once! So please don't feel overwhelmed. You will have your own healing timeline in IC. Maybe you will struggle and resist for a while and feel you are doing it 'wrong'. I hope not. There really is no wrong. There is less than optimal and pig-headed and blinkered (in my case!! ), but you know what, that's ok, they are stages and part of the journey! It is your journey and you will walk it as best as you can.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4086 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 46
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