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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Are men always clear with their signals?
mixedemotions
♀ Member
Member # 35810
Question  Posted: 2:00 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This seems like a "he's just not that into you" situation, but I wonder if it's always that cut and dry. Maybe I'm just hanging on to hope bc I want the outcome to be different than what it seems.

Met a guy online, we emailed for a few weeks, then he gave me his number and said text anytime. He was big on sending pictures, no inappropriate ones, just pics of him with his friends and sometimes of things he was doing that day. Normally I think texting pictures is weird, but I actually liked getting them from him. I told him I don't text pics to men, he said fine and we kept talking anyway.

I suggested we get together in person, he said he'd love to. That was before Christmas and still no date! We've made a few tentative plans that always fall through with a last minute excuse from him...the weather, he's sick...he called before our first plan and said he thought I should hear his voice. Also gave me his full name and encouraged Googling...little did he know I'd already investigated and found his professional profiles

Every time I think the cancellations are a hint that he's not interested, he'll text again and start an ongoing conversation. We're in the same profession which has been refreshing for me, I really like texting with him and enjoyed our phone conversation too.

I'm thinking I need to tell him I won't be texting anymore since he's not reliable and hasn't met me...but I also don't want to be missing out on something good by being too concrete about reading signals...I just can't think of legitimate reasons it would take this long for us to get together, but I want someone to tell me it's ok to hold on bc there's actually a good explanation and we'll live happily ever after...(rolling my eyes at myself bc I realize how silly that sounds)


Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I don't belong in NB! but every now and then I'll read a post or two.

Anyway,

I just can't think of legitimate reasons it would take this long for us to get together
from my jaded world view, I would venture a guess that he is either married, or juggling several online women.

Sorry, I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but that's my take on it.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 2:06 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
mixedemotions
♀ Member
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those were my worries too, PPG. I found an article about him online bc he was coming back to a sport he does as a hobby after a freak accident...the article said he was single but it was from about 2 years ago.


Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
mandan66
♂ Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its not just men my dear; both sexes do this. Its the world of online dating, I guess. I started online in the beginning of December, and I have had four, yes four!!!! women contact me first, at least 3 emails back and forth, give info, good times to meet, and then day of, somewhat bogus excuses to cancel.
DO NOT take it personally! There are just a lot of lonely people out there, for whom OD is really just an ego stroke, and really have no intention of ever going out. Plus, lots of people that are emailing 50 people a day.
Is it disheartening? Absolutely! Here you are serious about finding a relationship, and someone is playing dumb games.
My advice---don't contact this dude again. If he's interested, he can bust his tail trying to meet with you. Tons of good guys out there, just cast a wide net, and be patient. If your area has meetup groups, look into them.
Good luck


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah…there is a problem. Most people WANT to meet the other person. There are people out there who are just happy to be "pen pals".

I'd guess married too. And I've done OLD off and on for a while, I've never had a guy tell me to Google him.

If it were me, I'd not confront, I'd probably pull back since your needs aren't getting met and move on to someone else. I would also be clear in communication and give him one last opportunity, as in: "I am interested in meeting you, how about this weekend for coffee?"

If one more "date" is broken, then tell him you are no longer interested, and you need to move your focus to someone that is interested in meeting.

Something is fishy….


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4126 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm - sometimes stuff does just happen (ie sick, weather, work, whatever)....but then you would think he would all over trying to reschedule, etc?

Do you want to try one more time or you done?

You could always do a 'last chance to meet-up' and say if we are unable to get our schedules to work then we must be too busy to date each other. That would keep it light but send the message you are done playing cat & mouse?


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2098 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm getting some catfishing vibes. He has a strong online presence, is in the same profession, sends you a lot of pics, always has an excuse not to meet-up. Any chance he isn't who he claims to be?

Be careful not to reveal too much more until you can verify who he is.

[This message edited by Crescita at 3:43 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


Posts: 3375 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
LineInTheSand
♀ Member
Member # 20399
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice---don't contact this dude again. If he's interested, he can bust his tail trying to meet with you.

I agree with mandan66! Let him seek you out if he's interested, and he can make the plans to boot!


Posts: 495 | Registered: Jul 2008
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've made a few tentative plans that always fall through with a last minute excuse from him...the weather, he's sick...he called before our first plan and said he thought I should hear his voice.
Sorry, but he's not interested in anything more than texting imho.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3785 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
mixedemotions
♀ Member
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everybody, you confirmed what I wanted to pretend like I didn't see...whatever the reasons are, he's not treating me the way I (and all of us) deserve to be treated.

And Cres - I called him catfish when I talked about him to my friends... "Catfish called today" or "another possible date with catfish"...walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, right?

I did give him a last chance offer last weekend, saying I'd like to meet either that weekend or this week. He said "maybe Monday?" (Meaning today) but I already had plans for tonight, so he was supposed to check his schedule to see if we could fit in coffee, lunch, or early dinner...and instead I haven't heard anything from him all day.

Now the question is what to say if he does text another time...


Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely catfish.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3337 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
worried_lady
♀ Member
Member # 27605
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as what to text back if he texts you..........nothing. If he is serious he would text again. Forget it. People do what they want to do. If he really wanted to met he would have already made plans.


Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly.

Posts: 461 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Texas
Oh the Irony
Member
Member # 12354
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, sounds like he just likes the attention.

I would probably just ignore him. Go ahead, be a poofer. Sometimes it is okay. He may suddenly "chase" you if you ignore. Not a good thing either.

Or you could just do a "I'm going to disengage note".


Two gorgeous boys, 14 and 8.
D-day Sept. 15, 2006.
Me, BS 43
Him, WS 50
Her, OG (Guess she is 27 or 28 now! 19-21 at the time...)
Separated. Divorcing. Happily working on myself.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: thankful for truth
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are men always clear with their signals?

Clearer than he is.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9176 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

agreed - if he texts you back -IGNORE!
The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be the best time, when both people put their best foot forward. If this is his best (stringing you along, blowing you off, having you question whether he is interested, making you chase him down) imagine what any future with him would hold? You would never be his priority, he ignores you, you question where he spends his time. Sounds a lot like life during A -right?

Do NOT go down that road again. The signs are very clear

I'm also getting the "he isn't who he claims to be" or he is married vibe.

When someone shows you who they are: believe them! Do not make excuses for his rude behavior while holding on to your fantasy that he is Mr Perfect. He is not.

Delete his # from your phone so you aren't tempted to reach out in a lonely moment envisioning that he is Mr perfect.


Posts: 485 | Registered: Jun 2012
mixedemotions
♀ Member
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are the best! This was exactly what I needed. Thank you!


Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like the same guy I've been talking to.

thanks for the post


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
Topic Posts: 17

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