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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Loonnnggg Timers - will it always make me sad?
Buckeye Wife
♀ Member
Member # 28702
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm about four years out. For the most part, FWH does everything right. He has depression/anxiety, and once in awhile those get the best of him. At those times, he reminds me of how he was for years prior to the A. I just steer clear and take care of me.

Other than that, he's been remorseful, NC, etc. even doing things right, this will always be with us. When we celebrate 30, 40, or 50 years of M, will I still feel slight sadness? Hmmm, will I ever really "celebrate"?

I'm on that long 5-year plan. I don't dream about our future. I feel like R means some sort of settling (pride?). Will that always be the case?

At one year, I thought we'd licked a lot of these issues. We felt so lucky to have made it through that year together. Honestly, year 3 & 4 have been tough. I'm not reeling from this mess, but I'm changed. I'm not in love...I'm cautious.

Sorry for the ramble. Long-timers, will this ever fade? Sadness turns to happiness?


BS (Me): Forties
FWS(Him): Forties
Married over twenty years
DDay: 1/20/10
R'ing

Posts: 1026 | Registered: Jun 2010
lostandhurtstill
♂ New Member
Member # 42006
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder the same thing. Sorry to see there are so many going through this.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jan 2014
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am wondering about "settling"? This is really scary isn't it?
I am not a loonngg timer, sorry, I just can so relate to your question. I am hoping to hear some positive comments from others to give us a ray of hope.
I am hoping that I will not have an air of sadness about me for much longer, either way it works out. I am tired of the sadness as I am sure you are too.
I have much more happy days than sad days now, but when I am sad it feels like the whole world can see it. Like it's written all over my face.
Take care


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 484 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
whatnow8
♀ Member
Member # 36576
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am over 5 years out. A lot of days I feel like the booby prize. But there are more and more days that I feel good about us, and I am happy. But I don't know if the sadness ever completely goes away so much as you find a way to minimize it and get thru it more quickly. I hope it does.


wtf?? How insane does your life have to get that you want to polygraph your freaking HUSBAND. ~ OldCow18

It's hard to make a decision when you're too tired to hold on and too in love to let go. ~ unknown


Posts: 178 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also a little over 4 years out...what a long 4 years huh? So much has changed in our lives with family, finances, etc over the last four, there have been times I have had to put the A on the backburner to deal with the next present issue. I avoid looking at the pastand like you mentioned, cannot seem to clearly see a future...I am in my late 50s and need to work on having goals/plans, si I have to work on that. I try to make plans that ae not dependent on what may or may not do in the future as I don't think I will ever have complete trust again.

I also see glimses of the pre A H...life is tough lately ad I think it is getting him down...so does this mean he will run to her???

Sadness comes and goes still, less sadness than before though and we may need t redefine happiness and work on finding it in places other than our M.


Posts: 594 | Registered: Nov 2010
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will be 4 years since my wife's initial falsehood riddled confession, in two months.

I also feel an empty sadness frequently. It was the hardest thing I've ever dealt with, the most horrible thing from the person I loved the most on this earth.

I just wish it had never been, but as Stephen Kings character in one of his books says "wish in one hand, shit in the other".

Or ,as my grandmother used to say "if wishes were horses! why the we'd all ride".

Give me some more time, I'll tell you the answer in a few years.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 970 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are just about 61/2 years out.
I felt much like you did. I wondered how long it would take.

For me the 1 final piece that made me stuck was holding onto the OW/anger.

Year 5-6 was a huge year of growth, it's just gone.I hit acceptance, forgiveness, true happiness.I don't worry, I have trust. I am comfortable, happy and know I made the right choice.

We love each other, appreciate and accept our strengths work through our weaknesses and share a life together.

But the biggest change in the last year wasn't to my marriage or my husband. They have been consistent and on the right path since we decided to R.

The biggest change was in me.

IMO the only way to truly be past this was to heal me. I allowed the rest to fall into place.

(((hugs)))

It does get better, even this far out.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 5:44 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does get better but....it takes a long time.
I needed 4 yrs of IC to help me get through this and I had a very remorseful FWH.
I was on an emotional roller coaster after I decided to R. Sometimes feeling great about the decision-then other times asking myself how I could possibly have reconciled after a LTA?

About 4 yrs after d-day I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The positive thoughts outweighed the negative.

Today I feel like a triumphant survivor- I lived through something that was extremely traumatic for me and survived.
My FWH is a changed man.He went to IC and AA right after d-day and has remained sober ever since. Our marriage is stronger in many ways.
He tells me he loves me and shows his love for me and our family every day. We do not take each other for granted. We treat this second chance as just that- a new beginning.

So...yes...with time and hard work things can get better but you're right it does take a long time.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Afraid2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 11185
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thirteen years out--any day now, I'm hoping.

It's not my sadness, it's his. Every so often it bubbles up about the seven years we were apart.

I have no sadness, I lived my life and enjoyed it during that time. He was my past and I could even think of the good times we had together.


BW -- 57
Divorced 2001
Re-married 2014--on what would have been our 35th anniversary

Posts: 419 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: NC
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a lonnnggg timer, but a little over fours years out.

I don't think much about the A now....life is really good. But every now and then, there's a little voice in my head that says...feeling safe? feeling loved? watch out...the rug will be pulled any minute.

The biggest change was in me.

When that little voice used to pop up, I went into detective mode....again and again. Now, I throw it out of my head. I tell myself if H pulls this shit again, I'll be fine. My life is good and it's great that he's in it. But it'll still be good even if he's not, because my happiness depends on me, not him anymore.

Is that sad? I don't know ...it's kind of freeing. And I think it's also freeing for him....he doesn't carry the burden of me counting on him for my happiness .....he can instead, enjoy being with a happy person. My happy comes from in me.

I don't know if this is a stage or if it will last, but I'm sucking the moments of pleasure out of today......and will deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1688 | Registered: Mar 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Buckeye Wife,
I remember you. I hope your doing well and your DD is in better health. I think its all a process, there are times when differing aspects will creep in and make you feel sad until your done working through them and accepting them. I often wonder if a BS is then hit with another stress filled life event, if it doesn't make them move some if aside to deal with more pressing issues and then later the unaddressed issues creep in. Is it possible there is some aspects or just grieving you didn't get due to dealing with your DD, and her health issues?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1897 | Registered: Nov 2010
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh slipped on the slope 5 days after the 4 year mark. The year preceeding was fantastic... I thought about it very rarely, in fact, only when my sister became a WW, and I was helping her to save her marriage, did I think of OW and the EA at all.

(I am still angry that WH relapsed and started this bullshit all over just when I was really starting to feel really good -the asshole... )


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorta kinda? Will it always make you sad? I mean, I'm thinking about it right now and I'm neutral. Not quite "meh", but not sad. Sometimes it will come out of nowhere and grab me and it slams me right to the ground. But the same things happens once in awhile when I think of my friend Jimmy who died when we were 17. Grief is just a part of us, but it doesn't rule us.

I think you have other issues that maybe you can address. The state of your marriage in general vs. recovery from the affair. How is that going? How much time do you spend together, one on one? Have you taken up any new hobbies together? Have you "courted"? Have you traveled, maybe, if you do that kind of thing? My FWH and I worked really hard to create new memories together. It's a conscious effort on our part to remain connected and to be a team. What teambuilding exercises are you doing?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because there are so many differences in the people involved and the type of affairs. No one can really say you will feel this way or that way by any kind of date.

I am +15 years since Dday. I still resent WW for her choice to have her LTA. I still worry and get anxiety attacks when she travels alone out to the area where OM lives.

But that doesnt mean you will have the same experience.

WW has shown little other emotion than anger about her LTA. The only remorse or sadness she has is for herself. She withholds information about her LTA. To this day there is allot I dont know about what happened.

We are R as much as we can be in this situ.

I still have allot of sadness about how things turned out. But that doesnt mean you will.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost 7 years out. I've just recently gotten to a place of acceptance and forgiveness

It took us so long due my fWW's inability to be introspective and her unwillingness to do MC and IC.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 631 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Buckeye Wife
♀ Member
Member # 28702
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lordhasaplan, you brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I did put the A issues to the side to care for DD. From Sept. 2010 to May 2012, things were so rough. We finally found some experts to provide some help to her and my H and I. You're right that losing that time may be part of why this mess is taking so long to process.

My DD is doing well right now. She just finished coursework and will be looking for a job she seems to love. She's paid her own way through college so far and is proud of that. She works part-time and still lives at home. Physically, there are still issues always there, but emotionally she is so much better. Often when I hear her laugh, I thank God that she is still with us.

"Settling" is still an issue. I know I deserve better than a man who cheated. However, he was a good catch, still is a good man. I still wonder sometimes, though....how could he??

I am a different person today than 4 years ago. A bit jaded, that's for sure. I have reached a point of knowing I'll be fine with him or without him. If he's giddy about me, I enjoy it. If he's pissy or moody, I'm still fine. He, on the other hand, still searches for his happiness from those around him...uh, me. That's not my job. He still has a lot of work to do there.

4 years of IC, huh? Yeah, I could use more. We've had 2 C. The first one sucked (what did I do that might have led to the A??). The second was good for a bit but seemed to think I should be through it within 6 months of C. H definitely needs more IC.

Today I feel like a triumphant survivor- I lived through something that was extremely traumatic

Me too. Of course, my face shows the fight.

Have you "courted"?
Back in year 1 -- yes. During 2013, not much. He's had to tweak medicine to find what he needs to manage anxiety/depression, and he falls into a "woe is me" attitude due to guilt sometimes.

I still resent WW for her choice
I don't have dreams for us, but I can see me feeling resentful for years to come. I keep trying to deal with that.

It took us so long due my fWW's inability to be introspective and her unwillingness to do MC and IC.

Hmm... I don't see H being as introspective as he needs to be.

Thank you for all of your replies. So sorry for those who also struggle, those who WS still suck at being M. I usually just read here and don't post as much anymore, but maybe I need to. It's always comforting to know that all of this craziness is normal here with SI members!


BS (Me): Forties
FWS(Him): Forties
Married over twenty years
DDay: 1/20/10
R'ing

Posts: 1026 | Registered: Jun 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lordhasaplan, you brought tears to my eyes.


My DD is doing well right now. She just finished coursework and will be looking for a job she seems to love. She's paid her own way through college so far and is proud of that. She works part-time and still lives at home. Physically, there are still issues always there, but emotionally she is so much better. Often when I hear her laugh, I thank God that she is still with us.

I am so glad this is the case. So you are behind in processing and dealing. You detoured for a wonderful reason. So reengage your healing. A few things you type hit me as places to start.

I am a different person today than 4 years ago. A bit jaded, that's for sure. I have reached a point of knowing I'll be fine with him or without him. If he's giddy about me, I enjoy it. If he's pissy or moody, I'm still fine. He, on the other hand, still searches for his happiness from those around him...uh, me. That's not my job. He still has a lot of work to do there.

Great that you have reached a point of indifference. Now what marriage do you want. I hear your frustrated wit his looking to others for happiness, that's his work. I would discuss this with him and ask him to work on this piece.
In fact, most of what you write are things he needs to engage or fix. What are the things YOU can do to heal yourself and find more happiness?

I don't have dreams for us, but I can see me feeling resentful for years to come.

Is this the way you want to be? If not hit the resentment head on. Address the issues that lead there, get some books on getting past resentment, talk. I remember part of your story was communication issues. Use these starting places to move toward one another, communicate with each other. Make the marriage you want. I think he always has been remorseful but lacks the skills to be proactive, good or bad that is him. Help yourself and he will follow.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 8:12 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1897 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 17

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