Then, at the end of the divorce process, WH had effectively 'won the divorce' and he realized, it wasn't me that was bothering him--- it was HIM. Got his butt to a psychiatrist, he was diagnosed bipolar I, put on lithium, and within a few weeks (maybe days) he was calling me saying how he had messed up, he left OW, stopped abusing prescription meds, and here we are three years into R.
Al of this has made me realize, I don't think of WH as family. If you can throw someone away that easily... No, I don't think of him as family. His mom, sisters, etc... nope. None of them kept in touch during the divorce, and they all bad mouthed me. Welcomed OW into their lives and homes... Nope, they are not my family either.
So where does that leave ME. I think of my mom and sister as family. They are the people who would give me a kidney. And truthfully, WH might too, but just because he would be lost without me.
I do feel like WH and MIL, SILs, etc are my kids family. So I go along and try to facilitate a relationship for their sake, and really, that's why i'm in R. But as for me, I don't feel like WH is my family.
How about you all... Is your WH your family... the farther you go in the reconciliation process, does that change, and do you let him back into the family circle
[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 9:26 PM, January 13th (Monday)]
I do view WH much differently since dday, but I think I consider him family still. More distant and not close like I think we were, but family. I have thought about how it would be if R doesn't work out and I like to think we would come together for the kids, but you never know.
If someone asked me about my family I know I would immediately list the kids and grandkids, my sisters, ect. I would put WH somewhere in there, but it's just not the same. I used to feel like he and I were the center of our family, solid and strong. Now it's like I am the center and he is kind of roaming around, still there but not as connected to me.
Family is the most important thing to me and I believe my kids know this to be true. I hope my WH will get his act together and do the work to truly R. I have hope that we can be a solid family again. I think it's possible to completely trust WH and feel a solid connection to him. But right now, not happening.
Thank you for asking and I hope your situation improves!
So my H and my children are the ONLY family I have.
His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.
Perhaps one reason was because we had already been married so long, and had already raised our own family. But also, we married when we were 19, so we left our FOOs quite early and also moved far away from family for a number of years. My H was not only my closest family but my best friend. Despite the A, in which he thought he loved the OW, his ties to me were still quite strong as well. Because we were so tightly intertwined my feelings of betrayal were perhaps all the deeper, but it also made it harder for either of us to consider letting go.
One of the things that really got to him, when we were in-house separated, was me telling him that by his choices, he was taking away 1/2 of my family, his half, from my life. That people who I had loved for over 20 years were going to be lost to me, because of his selfish choices to lie to my. That we would separate, and divorce, and that he might take some other skank to introduce to them (skank because no worthy woman would put up with his lies and sickness) as the female who was taking my place, and they would all vomit in their mouths when they saw the alley cat that he dragged in. Yeah, I was a bit angry there.
But it hadn't even occurred to him that we each would lose family members. Can you say head up ass?
D-Day, June 10, 2012
At one point early on after DDay I told him that we were supposed to be friends if nothing else. He wasn't my friend when he did all that, and for so long. We had been friends for over a decade. Or so I had thought. If he was so unhappy, the decent thing to do is talk to me about it. That's what a friend would do. Not all that crazy shit he did. I know...moment of weakness. I could buy that if he hadn't have had ten months of weakness.
I think it's totally understandable and normal to not want to classify him as family anymore. An A makes you painfully aware that marriages can end and someone who was central to your life can just fade out of it.
Sorry not trying to be so depressing. Mostly I just want to say you have every right to feel like you do and you aren't alone in feeling this way.
I think the idea of not depending on someone else for your happiness is the key. Then a place for the WS if he is truly a FWS can be figured out. It may not be something I can feel all the time but surviving all this makes me sometimes believe it is possible. I do feel stronger, more independent in a good way. I feel healthier in that respect. If R fails, it will be really hard but I will pull through it and be happy again. If nothing else, I learned so much about myself when the shit hit the fan. Absolutely amazed at how I refused to lay down and die. In fact, I poured all my rage energy into finally making my dreams happen. I started a business, got healthier, and now that the rage has calmed, I am in awe of what I am capable of. I think he is too.
The whole idea of family is hard to think about now
YES!! The A turned long held truths (like what is family) upside down!!
It's like knowing divorce is a possibility
it takes the feeling of our connection being permanent away. And with that goes the feeling that he is family
YES YES YES
I don't mean to say that I don't love him... I look at him sometimes and SEE ME... like, I see that he is me... he is my other half, and that bond cant be broken.
Even if we were to get divorced, there is a connection there, I cant explain it. And I do not think it can be undone
I guess that's family
But I guess what im saying is that I don't TRUST him like I trust my mom and one of my sisters. Those are the two people, along with my children, who I'd take a bullet for. And who I would trust with any secret.. WH, I guess, I just don't trust. I think I might be confusing trust with family...
I do feel stronger, more independent in a good way. I feel healthier in that respect. If R fails, it will be really hard but I will pull through it and be happy again. If nothing else, I learned so much about myself when the shit hit the fan. Absolutely amazed at how I refused to lay down and die. In fact, I poured all my rage energy into finally making my dreams happen. I started a business, got healthier, and now that the rage has calmed, I am in awe of what I am capable of. I think he is too.
you are singing my song, daphne! I literally thought I would die (as in, funeral, cemetery, etc) without my WH. I had so much invested in him, he was my happiness, my life...
The A was so good for me, in that respect. I got therapy, I learned that I could live (and thrive!) without him!! If we get divorced, I will not die, and damnit, I will be happy! I survived the custody battle of the century, and lost 30 lbs, so I looked damn good too.
I think that is great for both WH and me, because I now know that if I left, I could make it without WH. WH left me for OW and then came back. It would have been easier to just stay with OW, but he took the hard road and left her (and her drugs) to be with me. We both WANT to be here. (no matter how many times I come her and bitch which is a lot)
Ahhhhh... still learning about life in my 30s. Thought I'd have this stuff figured out by now.