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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Online dating questions
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to ask the menz here if they prefer a woman wink at them and maybe a sentence or two asking if they'd like to chat or should I wait for a message? A wink? Do I answer winks? What do you menz think?

AND what about distance? Some of the men that wink at me or send a note are great distances. Some most certainly could afford to come visit but what then? Travel 1,000's of miles for coffee?


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not a menz, but I'd like to answer your questions.

I'd like to ask the menz here if they prefer a woman wink at them and maybe a sentence or two asking if they'd like to chat or should I wait for a message?
--send a message to those you are interested in. Comment about something you like in his profile. I contacted my SO first and I'm glad I did because he didn't send anyone a message first!

A wink? Do I answer winks?
--personally, I ignored winks. If someone is interested, he can send a message instead of a wink.

AND what about distance? Some of the men that wink at me or send a note are great distances. Some most certainly could afford to come visit but what then? Travel 1,000's of miles for coffee?
--I also didn't respond to people out of state. Well, one guy I did, but just to chat. I had no intentions of meeting someone who lives so far away.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4169 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Thelastknight
♂ Member
Member # 21851
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Depends on who is winking. When I was OLD I responded to some winks if I liked the profile...


"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Reformed BS 39 xWW 34
Two kids 5 and 2


Posts: 951 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NW
bigskyblues
♂ Member
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What turtle said! Read his profile, then mention something about his profile that you liked. Make it a short to the point comment and wait and see :)

I never did wink at a profile as I admit I was too afraid to take the first step. My S/O made a comment,I waited a few days to reply (wasn't sure about OLD as I hadn't been on a first date in about 25 years). I finally got the gumption to answer back, and we have been together for over a year now and life is really, really good


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!


Posts: 234 | Registered: Sep 2012
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a strange world isn't it? I started with very basic info and one pic. I've since written a lot more and added a few more photos. That seemed to get more responses.

One thing I thought about the wink was that it is similar to a smile IRL. Just to let them know I'm interested. So, I've sent a short message asking if they'd like to chat. One man is seeing someone and wants to persue that, another had no interest but both sent emails that were graceful and didn't leave me hanging. Boy, that felt easier. So, I dipped my toes in.

Another man has been chatting for a few weeks and "wants me forever" and it seems another is going to be pursuing me. They are both on the same coast as me but quite a few states away. It's this aspect that troubles me too. Should I talk with more than one man? One at a time? If it was IRL I would wait one out looking for red flags and if it wasn't going well then perhaps see the other. I'm so confused!

Whether any of this goes well doesn't matter nearly as much as the fact that I am having fun "dreaming" of a new life with a nice man. It's helping me detach my thoughts from shit to myself for a welcome change. Not crying alone and not feeling quite so isolated. I've reached out in other areas too! I've been invited to a weekly trivia fund raiser with the local "scholars" and feel honored to be invited. It's a huge deal in this little hamlet and funds a local children's center. There are hundreds in attendance and it's a social life! Wow. Imagine. Being out of the house and smiling.

I've also reached out to a artist friend that I took lessons from a few years ago. I met her when she coordinated a watercolor workshop at the Castle in the Clouds with a chinese master. I started taking lessons from her after that ended. I asked if she'd give me a house call lesson to help me fight the demons in my studio next door. It was such a happy place and I haven't been there since the shitstorm started. I thought if I had her energy there for just a short visit she'd kick my arse and motivate me with no choice but to follow her directions. She's so warm and so talented that I've taken to calling her Ma. Well, she sent an email back and asked me if it wouldn't have been easier to just invite her to visit for an afternoon! God. That brought grateful tears.

Thanks to all of you wonderful people I'm healing, slowly but surely. Hearing from the men here has restored my faith in the fact that there truly are good men out there. Thanks for sharing your deep love and affection for me to see. It's saved my life gentlemen.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is how I have been operating:
If a woman winks at me, I will look at her profile and if Iím interested I will put her on my list to message. I donít feel comfortable actively engaging more than a couple women at a time (whether in person or through messaging) so I have a list of ~10 women (right now) that I would like to message but will wait for one exchange to end before starting another.

If a woman messages me with something none generic (showing she actually read my profile and was interested), I will look at her profile and respond back (positively or negatively). So basically, if she messages me first and Iím interested she will jump my list of potentials.

And to give you a little perspective, I have only sent 2 first messages, not because I wonít do it or am scared, just because of limiting the number of women I am actively engaging at any given time.

As far as distance, for me if we canít meet somewhere on a week night for a date it is too far.


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 416 | Registered: Jul 2011
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nomoreplease; Thanks so much for your perspective. I have recently dropped a man that has been chatting awhile because, surprise! Surprise! He needs money.

I'm now chatting with two men that have eerily similar careers. I seem to be attracting architects/engineers. They are both very serious about looking for a long term relationship. Both very well spoken. However, talking to more than one at a time seems wrong somehow and confusing too. I haven't told them that I am speaking to another as they have come along at different times (one just yesterday) and are in the southern states while I'm in the northeast. I also want to go very slowly and these men seem to want to jump on a plane if I say they should. It's really confusing. The one I began talking with yesterday sent an email saying he'd cross oceans (!!) to meet the woman he wants to be with.

I've noticed men in town giving me a double take and realize they've seen me online and a few times I've seen men come into the Inn that I meet friends at and size me up. I feel they are afraid to approach me but know I'm online.

I think I need to let them both know I need to go slower for now. BREATHE...

I never expected this response, to be honest, I thought I'd have a few dates, get out there and try to relax and enjoy the process. This is much more serious than I thought it would be. My divorce won't be final for 3 more months even though it's been in the court for nearly 2 years and we've been seperated for nearly 4 (?) years..Shit is giving the court the finger and dragging this out so much it's infuriating.

Once again though, this is so much better than sitting in isolation crying...I'm sixty damnit! Too much excitement and I might faint dead away!


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, talking to more than one at a time seems wrong somehow and confusing too.

I have two I am current emailing with. I do not see anything wrong with conversing with more than one at a time unless you are alluding they are the only one, etc.

I assume they are doing the same: emailing multiple woman to get a feel for them to see if any 'click'.

I even make reference to this in our emails. I refer to the ppl we are emailing with our posse.

However, if I feel a connection and beginning dating them; I would discontinue engaging the others (and would let them know why, not poof on them).

Be careful with on-line scammers....good news is you can typically spot them early on.

I always do online research of the guys I message and verify they are really who they say they are.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2102 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, talking to more than one at a time seems wrong somehow and confusing too.
I suppose it is also relevant to say that because I will respond if the woman messages me first and I am interested, I may end up messaging and setting up dates with several at a time despite my efforts to limit. I donít believe this is wrong, but consumes a lot of energy and as you said can be confusing.

Kind of a t/j, but EvenKeel -

However, if I feel a connection and beginning dating them; I would discontinue engaging the others
At what point would you say this is for you (or anyone else who would like to answer)?


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 416 | Registered: Jul 2011
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I'm just going to say it, hope I don't sound too alarmist. And, I'm not trying burst your bubble but this:
Another man has been chatting for a few weeks and "wants me forever"
would creep me out.

As would this:

these men seem to want to jump on a plane if I say they should. It's really confusing. The one I began talking with yesterday sent an email saying he'd cross oceans (!!) to meet the woman he wants to be with.

I have found that men who talk really early in the emailing process about wanting a relationship with me, men who sound like they are ready to fall in love and wanted to meet me really quickly were not sincere. They wanted to meet really quickly because they wanted to "get to me" before I found out about them. One of these guys was an ex con and I found his criminal record in his state of origin, the other guy was a scammer who probably lived in another country. (BTW, Guy number two said he was an architect too--I guess that is an "interesting" career and could explain long absences in another country)

These guys you are talking to may be legitimate but to me it sounds like they may be looking for a lonely heart to hoodwink. Please get their names and run a free background check (each state has court system records you can check on line), and proceed with great caution. Don't give them much information about yourself. Above all else, do not send them any money!! Remember if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3130 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Better4me; I agree about the creepy feeling when they come on strong. That's what the one I've dropped was doing, fast and furious. These two seem to be "just" lonely. Both widowers with daughters the age of my grandchildren.

I've managed architectural/construction firms in my past and I'm well versed in the industries and their histories. I mentioned it very briefly in my profile so that may be why. I'm an artist too and that is part of the connection to those industries as they are very creative.

I use spokeo to check all that communicate with me and if I find nothing at all it sends red flags where I wonder if I should see red flags...

I've put the question about flying a thousand miles for coffee out there and they both say it's not a problem. Hmmm...??

We'll see. It does seem dangerous at times and exciting at others.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
nutmegkitty
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Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've put the question about flying a thousand miles for coffee out there and they both say it's not a problem. Hmmm...??

Yikes. I find this very unsettling.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2589 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Dawn58
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Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI Curiouswiz! OLD is a new world to me too. I've already had one guy ask for money (I now tend to stay away from widowed engineers). I will chat with a couple of different guys and have had coffee with a few. I am currently dating someone and when I felt that I wanted to be exclusive with him, I let the other guys know. I have never used Spokeo (will make a mental note about that site), but will google a guy's name, check out his facebook page and if I don't find anything at all online for them, that can raise a red flag.

I would not date anyone out of state and I too, am leery of guys that come on too strong. That's how my narcissistic ex was like, was talking marriage early on and swooped me off my feet. I thought it was love, now I would see that as a huge red flag.

Good luck! Oh, I am in my mid 50's - I never thought I'd be dating at this age!!!


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah nutmegkitty; Things that make you go hmmmm...?
The only people I know that have gone to such extremes are the WW's I've read about here on SI!

Dawn; It's frightening to date at sixty! No doubt about it but what choice is there? LOL!

I'm just grateful to know I'm still "alive" if you know what I mean...hehe


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello peoples;

I've had two more architects/civil engineers contact me! What the?? All five have had the same modus operandi..fast and furious does not describe it. I've sort of poofed on them and had no more contact from them..heh. Yeah. Good!

I can't believe the stories. The similarities seem as though they are the same person. Almost cut and paste though one in particular is much more intelligent and just may be a true person (???) and wants to continue to chat but is in FL while I'm in NH so...

I've been sending short emails asking if the men that I'm interested in would like to chat and I've finally met someone local. He would like to meet next weekend if he can be in NH. He is not quite retired and commutes to NY during the week for work. I'm taking it lightly and keeping it simple as he is too. I really prefer things this way! It seems more normal! He seems more "real" than those promising the world if I would just let them fly in to meet me. I have another "local" waiting for a reponse this morning.

Thanks folks! Once again you're all my guiding lights~!!


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
inhishands55
♀ Member
Member # 9454
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope if you feel these guys are scammers turn them in to the website that you are on I found lots of scammers on Christain Mingle, they tend to pull on your heart strings...Watch their English and the way they put their words together...For me,,OLD is a no no...I would rather meet someone IRL....

I, like you am in my 50's and it was scary getting back into the dating scene.....Good luck in your search, but you might need a thick skin with some of the men you meet along the way....


Posts: 408 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: The Tarheel State, in the mts.
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CuriousWiz, have you ever read Baggage Reclaim? If you google, it's a blog that has some extremely down to earth advice on relationships, dating, etc. Might be a good place for some perspective on these nutters.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13748 | Registered: Jul 2011
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inhishands; I so agree with their use of the english language a huge red flag. Not that I'm adverse to an accent but that seems to be a commonality in the fast and furious fellows.

Hi Amazonia; Thanks, I am subscribed to Baggage Reclaim and receive email from them. Thanks for the thought. I've been reading and studying since DD....the things I wish I never knew and never wanted to know.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sixty damnit! Too much excitement and I might faint dead away!

Yeah, this... ^^^^

I'm in such a small town that the pool is verrrry shallow and stagnant, and after keeping an eye on things for three years, I see nothing much has changed.

The same profiles have been there for-ev-er.

I did a double take on xmas eve at the fancy hotel where I have cocktails. A guy was squiring his mom around the tree displays and it took me five minutes to place him.

I could see he was doing the same with me ha ha.

I finally remembered seeing him on PoF and putting him on the no-fly list because he's a teetotaller.

I'm too busy right now with school and work and just living my life the way I want it.

But hey, send those architects up here! You never know.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17394 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Bebba1171
♂ Member
Member # 33857
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting.

I changed my "close up" profile picture with picture of me and one of my corgis and got overrun with women!

Found a pretty good one about 10 days ago and have seen her four times already. She lives 70 miles away and has come here twice, I went there once and last night we had a running date halfway in between our towns.

I took my profile pics down last week since it was overwhelming getting a lot of messages. I sent a sincere "No thanks" message to this one gal that was messaging me all the time, and she got angry and said I was a bad person!

Don't need that kind of attitude.


Divorced by Interlocutory decree in May 2012. WW had an affair with a 66 yo doctor she worked for.
D-Day Sept 16. 2011.
BH- 52 (Me) / XWW 50 - ages back in 2011
Two great kids that don't deserve this!

Posts: 727 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
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