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User Topic: Poofer after three great dates
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I had met this guy on Match and we really hit it off. Had a great first date, decided then that we would go on a second date. Spur of the moment we spent NYE together too. Then had a third date where everything went 100% positive. I've replayed every instant of all the time in my head and can think of NOTHING that went even a little weird or awkward or that didn't feel ok.

And now nothing. For fucks sake, I went to his house. We talked for hours. We talked on the phone even.

I am trying really hard to be zen, to let go and let God about this, but dammit, this one hurts. I opened my self up and this is what I got. Fuck. I know I am strong and all that blah blah blah shit, but getting your self esteem knocked down HURTS. It hurts the parts of my soul that are still fragile from the shitstorm of the past few years.

Why does this happen???? What makes it ok for him to think he can just poof and that it doesn't matter??? I thought he was not that type. Well NMK I guess once again I am a shit judge of character. I think I need to jsut hibernate and lick my wounds because I am wounded.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2580 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((nutmeg)))) I wish I had an answer for why this happens, but whatever the why may be, it's about him, not you.

I'm sorry you're hurting.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24754 | Registered: Aug 2011
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was dealing with that exact sitation (3 great dates then a few texts with no luck setting up a time to meet again)
Then silence
So basically I was blown off
I've been out of the dating world for 15 years so I did some reading about what is the style today.
I read that 1-3 dates requires no explanation for a poof
4-7 a text is polite
8+ should be in person

Most likely he was multi dating and you weren't. Which is why he didn't think to explain & you think about it throughout the day.
That is probably why, as women, we replay conversations looking for an error we made: DON'T DO THIS!
You made no error
The poof is all about the poofer: things you can't control & since it was early in the relationship, things you don't even know about: could be work issues, he's not interested, ex issues, financial stress, he's a player, he's not ready to date, he meet someone else, alcoholism, etc). We have no idea, but, frankly, who cares. Focus on another project to take your mind off him, whether its another man, a house remodel, a work project.

That's what I did....then he texted asking me out.
I'll go but honestly I'm a little less interested then I was a couple if weeks ago.
And he has no idea.

Dating is a like a formal dance where the dancers don't really know all the steps and aren't quite sure where their partner will move next. So we waltz around, some what awkwardly, until we realize: make up your own moves, do what feels right, just dance.


Posts: 474 | Registered: Jun 2012
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hrmz. I was almost the poofer recently. I met a guy in November, we went on 3 dates in December and 1 in January. From his perspective they were all good dates, we had fun etc. & so forth. Overtime I realized I liked him, but not in a dating way. He hardly contacted me between dates, and that contributed to the lack of feeling it in a dating way (he was just too reserved). But I never gave him any indication that that was the way I was feeling. I was still in feel him out mode.

So he texted once after the last date and I thought, I need to reply to this guy, but I didn't. And then 3 days later he actually called. That's when I thought, I really need to say something. But still I didn't. And then he texted me essentially, "I get it, no hard feelings".

I honestly didn't mean to let such time go by to say anything to him, that wasn't my intention, I just hestitated because I didn't know how to say what I meant and I felt badly about not being interested. His "no hard feelings" gave me room to correct my error though. So I did send him a text apologzing for being unresponsive and flaky, explained where I was (I like you, I don't like dating) and ... no response from him. But I wouldn't expect it (that reservation thing rearing it's head again).

I'm not absolving this dude that let you down. But since we rarely talk about ourselves being poofers here, I thought I give an example of how it can sneak up on you even when you have every intention of not doing it. As a general rule, you know you need to say something, you hesitate and then the awkwardness of time passing makes it seem more wrong to say something as opposed to continuing to say nothing, if that makes sense.

Maybe contact this guy and just say, "hey, sorry it didn't work out, no hard feelings" and see. You might get an answer or at least an apology. And if you don't? Well then he *is* a dick.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3043 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I have found that 3 date rule is some kind of magic number. It has given you time to assess each other, and generally most people are multi-dating.

I've kinda poofed after a 3rd date too. Although he knew I was really hesitant since he was a fWS. At date 3 he tried to kiss me and I internally freaked out. Probably externally a little too. It is me, after all.

He texted me for a few days and I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say, as I was figuring out my own emotions…plus, I didn't want to hurt him. I finally responded and just told him the truth…I was uncomfortable around him and that wasn't fair to him or to me. I thanked him and wished him well.

I know we are discussing in another thread about holding yourself back, and this is the reason a lot of of fall into that pattern. There is no point in "getting your hopes up" until you are exclusive…or that is how I deal with the first few dates.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4100 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Poofer after three great dates

Why does this happen????

I hate the "Sex on the 3rd Date" Expectation, but it does weed out those who place a greater value on sex than relationship-building.

Sorry you're hurting.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah this blows. I'm sorry sweetie! ((HUGZ)) I remember having two super awesome FIRST dates and feeling super bummed for both of them poofing on me....but am thankful they didn't wait until after date THREE. BOO!!!! FTG...You deserve better and someone who is more respectful of your feelings and thoughtful. I'm sorry it hurts. I totally get it!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:01 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2713 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NMK)))Been there, had it happen to me, hated it.

In "today's world", this makes sense to me:

I read that 1-3 dates requires no explanation for a poof
4-7 a text is polite
8+ should be in person

And it has been my experience too. Doesn't mean I like it. I'd rather "know" than have to make up the reason for someone not wanting/asking for another date.

AND, I have found that men have a different "time table" than I have about asking for another date. I have texted a "How are you doing?" text days or weeks after a good date, where we parted with seemingly mutual attraction, where I thought everything was good but heard nothing. I've gotten second and third dates that way, have stayed friends with a couple of the guys etc...People are busy, men don't "think" the way I do about what "should happen next".

And because I study human behavior and am kind of ballsy, there has been 3 times when I have had several dates and then haven't heard anything--when I know that I've been "broken up with" that I've called and asked what happened. Each one of those three guys has replied with a "it isn't you, it's me" kind of answer. So that is now what I choose to believe even when I don't hear a peep. It's about them!

It's made me a little jaded...wiser, maybe...stronger, for sure. I'm still optimistic that I will find the right guy for me...it is just taking (a lot) longer than I thought it would.

(And it makes the continued attention from a good guy that much sweeter)

[This message edited by better4me at 12:29 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3063 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. You have made me feel a little better. I won't lie, this one, I really, really thought had potential and that's why it's eating me so much.

Cayc and cmego, thanks, also, for your perspective. It helped.

PhoenixRisen, where are you reading about this dating stuff? I would LOVE to read this too, since I too have been out of dating land for a loooong time and what the hell do I know about dating, lol. I swear I am making everything up as I go along.


Better4me, I think you are right about the time table. I am ready to commit to a next date before the current one ends, probably not what is on his mind. lol.


It's not me, it's him. It's not me, it's him. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Blurg.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2580 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not me, it's him. It's not me, it's him. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Blurg.

((BIGHUGZ)) Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

You are a beautiful, capable, strong, and amazing woman and God has a bigger and better plan out there for you!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2713 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nutmeg - I read this on some random dating advice site (just did a Google search on what ever topic I needed guidance on, like "why he poofs"). Many sites are advice from the OLD sites. I take what makes sense and disregard the rest.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jun 2012
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((nutmeg))

Why do people have to be such jerks?


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Aug 2010
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that happens to the best of us. Happened to me too.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Three seemingly great dates then the poof seems to be common.
Personally, can't wrap my head around this concept...one two dates and you don't have vibes there? Just cray cray to me!


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jul 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back in the days before I was married I had a very full dating life. It used to really disappoint me when even the nicest guys who I really hit it off with would poof after the third date. It's the sex thing. No sex on the third date did the trick. It's hard to believe that anyone could be so utterly shallow, that even the guys I thought were really great could be so shallow, but there it was. Third date + no sex = poof.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9461 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
9.10.11
♂ Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had to "poof" after 3-4 dates. I guess I really didn't just "poof", but explained why it wouldn't work.
We had a great time, talked, laughed, everything was great. But, I could see that I wasn't the one. Her kids' age, my kids' age, goals/future, and once it was just not there for me...not what I needed.

Instead of dragging it out and trying, I had to break it off so no one got hurt. I don't think I was a jerk, but maybe so. Better to end early before strong feelings begin, imho.

It's happened to me and was glad it didn't go farther.

Just my $.02....you owe me $1.89.


Posts: 117 | Registered: Aug 2012
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See, 9.10.11, if I HAD received any sort of explanation it would make it easier to understand. I got bupkis.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2580 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 17

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