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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: SO update
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From cmego's thread on dating panic:

I do remember a MC telling me I needed to start every sentence when discussing a relationship with:

I want….
I need….
I feel….

Do some thinking about your wants, needs and feelings in preparation of your meeting tomorrow. If yours don't mesh with hers, sounds like you know what will probably happen...and that's life and dating and it stinks sometimes. Better to know it now then to get stuck in something that is going to be painful for months...

(((Velveteer)))


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She then said that she was concerned about our future because she feels that she has to constantly fit in around my commitments (kids and work) and that time for us will be squeezed further with me having to support my mother more (who has parkinsons disease btw).
Why does she see these things as something she has to squeeze in around as opposed to things the two of you can handle together?


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3734 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know Brandon I don't know. She has been spending more and more time with my kids for a while now and been on vacation with them twice, and still.....

She wants to meet in a bar now. Confused.


Divorced

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I can see that there may be an issue of you not letting her "in" so to speak. I know when I feel like "low man on the totem pole" in a dating scenario, the other person hasn't incorporated me into their life. With kids and jobs and responsibilities, dating life IS difficult, but it isn't impossible. You do have to carve out time for each other, and plan time in the future. This tells her she is a high enough priority for you to MAKE time for her.

I'm just guessing, but she may feel like YOU control the relationship because it hasn't gone to a deeper level. Wether she isn't the right person for you, or you still have massive walls up, is up for you to figure out.

This is reminding me of a good friend of mine and her bf. They fight by standing in their corners and making their point, instead of coming to the middle and listening to each other. You are making the point that you are too busy, she is trying to control the situation. Fighting against each other instead of working out a solution that meets both of your needs.

Just a thought.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4113 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
AnnieOakley
♀ Member
Member # 13332
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, I am so sorry for the loss of your Father. I am very thankful each/every day that my 82 and 85 yo parents are in pretty good health. I agree that you do need to be able to process and work thru the grief. It is such a personal and difficult thing for us to figure out.

Your words about how your SO feels that she does not ‘fit’ into your life, as well as cmego’s comments are very true for me right now. Literally, my SO and I have had this convo several times.

We do not live together and will not for the foreseeable future (if there is one???) because of his 14 yr old. He does not have full custody, but has lived with a woman in the past and I just don’t think it is the right impression for his son if we are not going to take the ‘next step’. He is worried about me being able to adapt to his child/work/networking, etc. etc. etc. etc. crazy commitments. I am worried that I will always feel low man on the totem pole.
I’ve spoken cmego’s exact words about moving towards one another, compromise, give/take, planning in advance and it is very difficult it seems for him to understand what I am trying to communicate without it being felt as a threat to him!

He is making an appointment for us to see a therapist. I have to give him credit that he is willing to explore that option and have a neutral party attempt to give us some guidance and/or food for thought.

I don’t have any words of wisdom. Just wanted to convey that your last post could have probably been written by him…almost word for word…except the death of a parent.

If it is important to the two of you, I hope you can find the common ground.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 4:16 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]


Me= BS, 45
Him=WH, 46
M=18+,T=21+
dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a recent work function), 11/09 VAR. Done.
"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill

Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: West
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like a few above, I am in a similar situation. Even down to the fact that my SO lost his father last year after a yr long battle w cancer and then had to take care of him mom, and then her sudden death. We have and still have struggled to figure out our role in each other's lives. It was especially hard when I had given so much of my life to help him through his grief and I did yet have a place in his life. And despite our not being ready to move in together or move for each other and disrupt our kids, he proposed this fall and formally asked me to be a part of his life. Now I'm not saying you propose to her or even if she wants that, but it could be that she has been giving a lot of herself and just feels very tapped out and insecure with your relationship. I came close to breaking up w my SO last spring right after his mom died and I gave myself a timeline on how long to wait so I wouldn't be a complete shit. I told him months later how I felt and poor guy had no clue, just totally wrapped up in his grief and just surviving in his life.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not hearing any compassion from her towards you during this incredibly difficult time in your life. Is that true? Or did you just not include that in your post in focusing on other things?


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5798 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks folks - this is really helpful. I guess I'm struggling to know just what I feel about all of this. I have been slow to integrate things and I'm pretty sure I have walls up. She also has major trust issues and I have never felt that she trusted me completely - even from the very start.

As for issues with my commitments etc these should not be insurmountable but the reality is that most of the compromise will fall on her and I can understand why that's difficult for her. I don't underestimate that bit at the same time I rely need to think about my own needs. I have spent most of my adult life putting the needs of others first and it's catching up with me now. I have to start to think of myself or I'm going down the rabbit hole.

Right now I need calm. Not drama or tension. Instead of having space to deal with my grief the last two weeks I have been consumed by these issues with SO. That is not what I need.

I also know that I am not ready to live with someone and that I need time that is for me. Just me. I have put all of my free time into this relationship and have as a result no time to see friends or so stuff for myself. This is not good for me. Don't get me wrong - I did that because I wanted to invest in the relationship and time with SO was (is) good. But I sometimes feel like I am walking on eggshells if I suggest I want to do something for myself - that's a night of our time that we then lose and the pressure builds up. So I don't do it. I keep the peace and I get frustrated. SO has way more spare time than me and maintains a full social life outside of our relationship. I do not have that luxury.

She is great with the kids and they like her. Took all that slow and I think it paid off. There were time I think the slow pace frustrated her but it was the best thing. Am I looking for a stepmother for my kids - I don't think that I am and I don't think they would be ready for this - DS has said as much. I need to pay attention to that.

My big question is the one that cmego posed - are my walls up or is she not the right person? Right now I don't know if I can get to that.

She has changed the venue for our talk from outside to a bar. I'm not sure this is a good idea. It's very public.

Rambling now. Sorry. Just feel I don't really need any if this just now. Life is tough enough.


Divorced

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2011
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, sometimes someone can be the "right" person but if the timing isn't right, things still aren't going to work out.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember being let down the first time I every really needed someone.

I was devastated.

Unfortunately for me the person was my husband and the time was right after having my first baby.

Its not being let down that hurt me the most - it was the timing and the fact that I REALLY needed some support and empathy at that time.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just seen my IC and she was good.

SO is clearly insecure in the relationship - big time. I think she has been since the start, and there are issues in there that almost certainly pre-date any involvement with me. Trust issues most obviously.

I also have trust issues and have been guarded both with my own heart and with my kids. At times I think this has probably led me, even if not consciously, to pull back a little. This will fuel SO's insecurity about the relationship.

We then get into a pattern of pursuit and distance in which she comes forward with anxiety, hurt and sometimes anger and I pull back in response to that and as a result of my own issues. We are losing the ground in the middle and at real risk of losing the ability to even get to that ground.

I am also incredibly disappointed that at a time when I most needed her understanding - more than any other time in our relationship so far - her thoughts were for herself. At least this is how it feels to me. Even when discussing my mothers support needs, her thoughts were for herself. She has been through this - even went to live with her mum for a year and half after her own father's death. I am confused about why she could not contain herself and act with a little more understanding of my need for space and time to grieve.

The thing is this has echoes of WXW for me and that's another BIG issue. This notion of thinking of herself first is just what took WXW into the A that destroyed my M and broke up my family. I am HYPER sensitive to this.

I have no idea what tonight will bring. IC said she felt anger and anxiety from me. I want to have a calm discussion - not accusations and blame. That will help no-one. But I feel I do need to tell her how this has made me feel.

Meh


Divorced

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can definitely see that you are both "standing in your corner defending yourself".

Her timing does suck, but I'm guessing she feels that all she sees in the future is you pulling further and further back. Why mourn alone, can you turn to her for support? Ask her for support?? When my Dad died, all I wanted was my H to support me. *I* needed to "tuck under his wing" and release the pressure so I could simply…mourn. I was never able to. Maybe you grieve differently, can you explain that to her?

I also think you can approach the "alone time" in a way to show you need it to recharge your batteries so you can be more there for her.

"I need some alone time to recharge. If I recharge I can be a better partner for you. I am going to schedule (2 days per month…or whatever) just for me. Then we can schedule XXXX for us).

You are triggering because her behavior reminds you of ex. She sound like she is doing the same. It is a relationship killer if you can't come to the middle and HEAR each other and have empathy for each other. Kindness and compassion.

The other option is to simply ask for a break. You sound so…sad and defeated about everything…overwhelmed…why not just take a break? It may kill the relationship, or, it may show you that it is worth fighting for.

I am confused about why she could not contain herself and act with a little more understanding of my need for space and time to grieve.

^^^^This is what you need to ask for. "I need…."

(((velveteer)))


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4113 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks cmego. Sad and defeated - yeah that rings a bell!

I do need to ask for this understanding. Problem is that right now I am feeling angry about it and triggering like fuck about the notion of 'selfishness'. It is by far my biggest trigger and maybe I blow it out of proportion, but if I see it it really sets me off.

I just need calm, quiet and no drama. I am not getting this right now - not even close.


Divorced

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand. Just take note that triggering over ex is making you hyper vigilant.

Anger is generally hiding another emotion. I always think about the saying, "The best fighters are never angry".

You need time to grieve, and hopefully you can communicate and focus on your current need while you two talk.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4113 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. Will update when I can.


Divorced

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you strength, velveteer. (((hugs)))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25061 | Registered: Aug 2011
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good luck, let us know how it goes. (((velveteer)))


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just to understand better...
how old are both of you? Does she have any kids?

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. This did not go well. We broke up. It was over the big issue - her wish to pursue adoption. I have always been straight on this one and said that it wasn't something I wanted for myself. We broke up over it 9 months in and got back together again but we swept it under the carpet.

She feels it's a huge injustice that I won't consider this when she is willing to take on my kids. She cannot see that these are two different things. She is deeply hurt and I feel utterly shattered both at the loss of someone I know I love and that she feels that I have been unjust. I have two kids and the thought if taking such a risk with them not to mention the adopted child is so scary to me. I have seen my kids go through trauma once already. I know that's negative and I know it could all be Brady bunch wonderful but I am just too scared and doubtful of my own ability to deal with it. I am too uncertain that I really want to adopt and I just don't think it is something that you can do with anything other than total conviction - that is unfair to everyone and most of all to the child. I am too fucked up.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I love this community. It has been a lifesaver to me many times. Thank you all

V


Divorced

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2011
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are hurting (((velveteer)))

Posts: 3344 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
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