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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WW very angry while doing the right thing
Offhispedestal
♀ Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's doing this because she feels she HAS to. That to me is not remorse. My H said he was going to do many things to make this right.... He didnt during false R. He was quitting the gym etc... When I would ask he would say " I said I was doing it!"
After doing 180 and seeing reality things started to change.

It's like you're fishing and as soon as you feel a little nibble, you yank the rod and try to reel the fish in. Only to realize the fish got away again. Forget about wanting her to feel remorse. Detach and don't focus on wanting to see a positive reaction from her. She's still focused on OM. As long as he's in her head, there is no room for you. As far as she's concerned , you're what's keeping her from her love.... It's all bs and she's still in la la land. Stop showing her threats. File for D, you can always change your mind later. Of course don't tell her that.
As long as she is secure knowing that you want to R she will continue. Once she sees you let go is when the reality of her actions will hit her.

[This message edited by Offhispedestal at 3:49 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


ME-44
WH-45
Married 24


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 637 | Registered: Jun 2011
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW wants to R, but doesn't seem able to.
She does not want to R. She just does not want to D.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wholeheartedly agree with what Brandon just said.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2869 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have the answer to why WW is staying in the marriage. I can only guess.

She's always lonely, even when she shouldn't be. And she's not emotionally close with her family.

Her dad has been unemployed for a decade and a half and her mom has always been underemployed. WW says it's important for her to never end up like her parents.

Reading the suggestion above that she's not looking for R, she's just avoiding D makes my stomach turn because it could be true.

Having detached some, it hurts less when I ask these questions but the answers are still scary.

Our MC says WW is sorry for what she did, but too ashamed to progress at a faster pace. Our MC is also WW's IC. I go to a different IC.

MC also says WW is doing 'the work' because she shows up for sessions every week.

My IC says if we get through this we'll have a better marriage. I'm cautiously banking on that, but the current resentment and anger from WW is making the process difficult.

At this time, I don't even dare bring up my feelings about the A because I think WW would blow up, so that's not right.

What a mess. WW just called during her walk home from work -- like she does every day. She talked to me like everything is fine. Up and down, up and down. She's unpredictable right now and I guess I'm too predictable as I'm feeling sad a lot of the time.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC says WW is sorry for what she did, but too ashamed to progress at a faster pace. Our MC is also WW's IC. I go to a different IC.
I'm going to tread VERY lightly here.

If I were in this situation, I would be concerned. I'm not wanting to throw shade on your MC, but the fact that the MC is also your WW's IC makes my eyebrows arch.

Watch carefully. It would be incredibly easy for the MC's perspective to be swayed by the fact that they wear the IC hat as well, and for only one of you.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25508 | Registered: Aug 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An MC should work for your M, and this one seems to be telling you to live without resolving the A issue until your W s ready to deal with it. In other words, this MC seems to be working on behalf of your W, not on behalf of your M.

I urge you in the strongest terms possible to clarify this, and if she won't work for your M, get a new MC.

As NIK said so nicely a while back, you've set the bar very low. Is that a strategic decision, or are you just too weak now to assert yourself (which would be entirely understandable, given the attacks you've experienced)?

If it's a strategy, I urge you to rethink it. If you just feel too beaten up to be assertive, I urge you to do a 180 - http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11 for info.

We all know you have to make you own decisions. I think we all want your choices to work out well for you. If you reject our counsel, you're still a valued member of SI. If you reject my counsel, I'll be happy if your choice works great for you.

Just note, however, that there's a lot of experience urging you to demand more for yourself.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are observing the person she really is. Don't listen to her words. Observe her actions. Consider her motives. You seem like a great guy. You don't deserve this.

Again, IMO, the affair was not about the OM. The affair was about her. The OM supported her. You support her. Everyone supports her. Others will come along and "support" her. A change in this mindset is what you should be looking. Sincerely wanting to change jobs is worth 10 times more than actually doing it.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 749 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a huge catch 22. If you insist she gets another job and she can't find one she likes as much, her resentment of you will build. If she keeps the job she has, thereby putting her job above your well being, your resentment of her will build.
The way I see it, the only way this works is if she wants to find another job because you are more important to her than her work is. Every other scenario leads to resentment on one side or the other and will likely be a huge impediment to reconciliation. The fact that she's broken NC twice and still can't see your side of this does not bode well, I'm afraid.

That is what I posted in your other post about your wife still working with OM and you considering asking her to quit.

It's very simple, if she resents someone, it should be herself because she is the reason she has to quit, not you. And until she considers her marriage more important than her job and sees that she caused the state of affairs she is in, you are likely to see her resentment of you build. You can explain it to her but I doubt she'll recognize it.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4102 | Registered: Sep 2005
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWS here. Hope you don't mind hearing from the "other side" as it were.

The fact that your WW said she'd look for another job once her contract was up and now *resents* it and *accuses* you for "making" her quit is bull. She offered, did she not?

Everything you've said of your WWs actions shows nothing even in the neighborhood of remorse. As Offhispedestal said, she's only doing this because she HAS to. A truly remorseful WS says "If that's what you need me to do then of course I will." They may not like it but they do it anyway.

Your WW is acting like a child, holding her breath, hoping you'll change your mind before she turns blue. There is no resentment in remorse. There's no room for it.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5890 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Buckeye Wife
♀ Member
Member # 28702
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that it's bull.

She should choose to leave without resenting you. FWH quit classes the day I found out (OW was classmate), risking losing tuition, putting his career on hold.

I'm sorry that she doesn't seem remorseful really. That sucks.


BS (Me): Forties
FWS(Him): Forties
Married over twenty years
DDay: 1/20/10
R'ing

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jun 2010
Offhispedestal
♀ Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WW has made this comment about resenting YOU for having to quit. If the subject comes up again I would recommend you stand your ground and tell her
" quitting your job and your resentment towards me about it has come up several times. You fucked someone from the job that you love so much. YOU fucked yourself up. If you need to resent anyone, just look in the mirror and deal with it! I will NOT discuss this again until you own your shit. If you feel the need to once again tell me about your resentment for having to quit, I suggest you bring this up in MC end of discussion"

There is NO remorse if she feels resentment for quitting!
What she tells the MC or IC and her actual actions don't match


ME-44
WH-45
Married 24


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 637 | Registered: Jun 2011
TennisTC
♀ Member
Member # 41330
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sentence in your post really stuck out to me:
She's constantly telling me that I'm not listening and that I'm not making her feel better.
After nuking your M, and by extension, your life as your knew it, your WW really has the nerve to constantly tell you that you are not making her feel better?!? Not only that, but when you do something nice for her, it doesn't even register because she is more concerned with her own anxiety over finding a new job. To me, that is the epitome of selfishness and self-absorption.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. You deserve so much more.

[This message edited by TennisTC at 10:31 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW Him: WH (Both early 30's)
Married 11 years with a DD7
DDay: 2-24-13
R'ing

Posts: 167 | Registered: Nov 2013
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, WW is self-centered. I guess that's needed in order to have an A.

MC says she's 'working on it' and urging me to be patient.

Last night was OK. We got along, I didn't mention the A and neither did she. Was I thinking about it? Yes. Do I feel close to her? No.

Sometimes I wonder if she's going to quit her job only for me to figure out a year from now that it wasn't enough. I keep telling myself that that's OK, too, because it's so hard to know what to do after your W has an A.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC says she's 'working on it' and urging me to be patient.
And what does your MC have to say about your WW telling you she resents you for having to give up her job??? Does your MC still think she's "working on it"??? Because that seems like the opposite of progress.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC says WW can't blame me. The MC, however, does not tell her to blame herself. Implied, maybe?

Our MC believe that WW is having NC with OM at work. They work in different departments, on the same floor and can see each other from where they seat.

OM was away for some of this time on paternity leave. Yup, the last time they interacted OM's girlfriend was already pregnant. Pretty sad.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC says WW can't blame me. The MC, however, does not tell her to blame herself. Implied, maybe?
Maybe the MC wants your WW to figure that one out on her own.

You said the OM was away. IIRC your WW had a much better attitude about changing jobs before. Now OM is back and she says she resents you for "making" her quit. I have to question the timing of that.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WW does not seem like a person who wants to R, but rather a person who for one reason or another just does not want to get divorced (at least right now).

At the moment it seems like you are dragging her through R and that is not how it should be. You should not be told to make HER feel better. She should be bending over backwards for you, not mad most of the time. Much less mean. She should not blame you for the necessity of changing jobs. (And NO, this is not normal. Normal to be upset about it, not normal to blame you)

She is not remorseful. I would start detaching.

Good luck. I'm so sorry that she has not been able to "get it".


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW was similar . She couldn't face the guilt so she would give excusses why she had the A . I feel your pain ! I wanted my WW to help me get through this for her to show me she wants to be in this M but all I got was a lot of " I didn't give her enough attention bs" . Now my WW. Did the nc and has boundaries but it all feels she is only doing it to keep me from leaving . Well I would not tolerate her working with the om .


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reconciliation is possible if both parties are 100% in.

From your statements, you have nothing to lose, it already lost.
I would attempt the 180 , that may wake her up.

I feel for your pain and frustration


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 615 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 39
Pages: 1 · 2

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