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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Empty feeling in my chest
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Princess just called to ask me some stuff about the kids. We usually do this stuff via text, but sometimes it's easier to talk instead of sending a pile of texts.

We talked about a few items, then she said she wanted to talk about March Break.

Apparently, Rig Pig has a sister who lives in Florida, and he was hoping to bring The Princess and my boys down there for the March Break. I'm assuming he is paying, since she still claims she has no money.

The first time she told me she had a new boyfriend, I didn't cry, but I wanted to, and I got a big empty feeling in my chest. I don't think I care about that anymore. I could be wrong though. I did feel the slap of hearing her say his name for the first time. But what really sucks? I want my boys to have a nice holiday, and this seems to be a way for them to have one. I also don't want her to start being difficult about when I want to take them places.

So I said this will be okay, of course. This will probably mean that I won't see my boys for almost three weeks in March. And they'll spend that whole week hanging out with Rig Pig. I haven't met this guy, but he does seem to be nice to my boys, so I'm trying not to hate him. Still hate him, of course.

But that empty feeling is in my chest. This just fucking sucks. I feel wounded.

This is all in the planning stage, and may not happen, she says. I expect it will though. Fuck.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1983 | Registered: Jan 2013
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, Pass. I know that feeling all too well.

All I can say is that you will get through it like everything else. Make sure that you get all of the details from her, i.e., flight information, address of where they are staying, and make sure that the boys are told to call you once a day so that you can be sure they are safe and sound. If you think that RigPig is nice to them and has their interests in mind, that's all the better. I know you don't trust her too much so if there is at least someone there who has a brain in his head and thinks of the kids, you will feel better.

While they are gone, be sure to plan things for yourself. Schedule gigs and maybe even take a trip of your own.

You got this, just like you got everything else.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2810 | Registered: Jan 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course your call on agreeing to let them go or not Pass. I would only ask if either you or your EX asked the boys what they wanted to do over March Break.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a good father for putting your own feelings aside and thinking of your boys first. What they would like, and giving them the chance to have fun.

My dad did this for me and I can't thank him enough. I am pretty damn sure that there were a few vacations that he was pissed about because it meant weeks apart and something that he could not give me himself.

I love him all the more for it and shows just what kind of real man he is that he put himself aside and let me have joy and fun.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Sep 2012
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but he does seem to be nice to my boys

This is what I concentrate on in regards to my ex's GF....all I care about is she is nice and good to my kiddos.

Sometimes it is really hard but I see so many horror stories on here where folks who have to send their kiddos into houses with a new GF/BF who plays mental/emotional headgames, belittles their mom/dad or is just plain mean to them. It is so sad.

So whenever I get the empty feeling in my chest....I try to concentrate on how lucky I am that ex's GF does actually seem to really try in regards to my kiddos.

Hang in there Pass! Hugs

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 3:09 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2128 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((pass))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25499 | Registered: Aug 2011
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, guys. This is really fucking tough, but I'd just be a selfish jerk if I didn't let them go.


I would only ask if either you or your EX asked the boys what they wanted to do over March Break.

No, she probably won't ask them, and I don't plan to either. We never asked them about vacations back when we were together, so it would seem goofy to ask them now. Also, 13 is very protective of me, so he might feel as though he shouldn't go on the vacation out of some loyalty to me - even if he really wanted to go. I want my boys to have a beach vacation, even if it almost kills me to watch it happen.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1983 | Registered: Jan 2013
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((pass))

You are doing the right thing.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 861 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would only ask if either you or your EX asked the boys what they wanted to do over March Break.

^^THIS. Is 3 weeks the entire break?

It is hard to navigate this stuff sometimes. I don't make decisions to stick it to him but when I agree to something it can feel like I'm sticking it to me.

My hurt feelings as a wife have dulled but not my hurt feelings as a mum. Our kids aren't supposed to have another woman or man in their lives. It burns me that OWUmpteen gets to hang out with my lovely girls for the half of their lives that I am not a part of.

I get it.

We usually do this stuff via text, but sometimes it's easier to talk instead of sending a pile of texts.

It might be different for you but for me? No. Talking to him would trigger a bunch of stuff unnecessarily - especially earlier on on this road to healing. You are not indifferent - be careful of how far you push yourself.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5572 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is 3 weeks the entire break?

I only get the boys on weekends, because she lives in the area near their school, and I don't have a car. I had to get an apartment in the city so I can take the bus around to clients.

She'll have them for the two weekends of March break, so it'll be almost three weeks. I just had my first cry in weeks over this (not counting the tears I shed during the xmas Doctor Who. I can cry over ANYTHING these days).


It might be different for you but for me? No. Talking to him would trigger a bunch of stuff unnecessarily - especially earlier on on this road to healing. You are not indifferent - be careful of how far you push yourself.

Yeah, you're right about this. I tend to try to fool myself about this shit. I also try to fool her. I wouldn't know how to say, "I don't want to talk to you" without giving her a window into my feelings I don't want her to realize she still has the power to hurt me.

She still has the power to hurt me.

[This message edited by pass at 4:12 PM, January 14th, 2014 (Tuesday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1983 | Registered: Jan 2013
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a way for you to start planning a week vacation for the summer? If not something far away, then a week camping or some such thing. Having that in your back pocket may give you something to look forward to with the boys.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 707 | Registered: Aug 2013
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Pass)) my an you maybe get an extra weekend in return? It's all about negotiation.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7694 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi.

I would suggest you perhaps think about telling her to put the agreement in writing/e-mails, i.e. that she asked you, that you agreed (so she won't try to spin it the other way around, i.e. that you tried to offload the kids...); what specifically you agreed to (e.g. that she makes sure they (can) call you every (x) day(s) at __:__, so you don't go without contact for too long); that in return you get ____ more time with them during ____).

Basically, don't rely on her 100% respecting verbal agreements, where there's your word against hers. That's why I'd suggest to do to as much communication as possible through verifiable means like e-mails, and in those agreements to be as specific as possible, so she won't have room to maneouvre, manipulate, "clarify" etc.

I cannot truly comprehend how hard this is for you, but I think you're doing a great job as a father!

Best wishes to you and the kids!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 199 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I use Hobbes' suggestion, using email so it's all in writing, as an excuse not to talk to STBXH. I understand not wanting to let them know how much power they have to hurt us.

I talked face to face with STBXH today for the first time in a long time (we had to do joint paperwork for our house foreclosure). It was a major trigger. I ended up crying in the car afterwards.

Of course it all just means that I'm giving STBXH way too much headspace. We're probably in similar stages of recovery. We know we need to move on, but those nasty triggers keep popping up on us. Someday we'll just be happy for the kiddos getting a cool vacation, but until then its hard. ((Pass))

ETcorrect typos

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 6:54 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1796 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(not counting the tears I shed during the xmas Doctor Who.
Well, duh! Everyone knows that the Doctor Who Christmas episode doesn't count. It was engineered to produce tears, what with the regeneration and all...


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25499 | Registered: Aug 2011
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Pass)))


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She still has the power to hurt me.

I know it brother. It's not a measure of her power but a measure of the bigness off your heart. That we gave so much of our heart isn't a fault.

One of favourite SI-isms: "No is a complete sentence".

"No - let's have it in writing". Doesn't matter what she thinks. Like most of the stages you stop DOING it way before you stop WANTING to.

I stopped ranting at him waaaaaay before I stopped wanting to rant at him.

I stopped giving a fuck about him waaaaaay before I stopped not wanting to give a fuck about him.

Stop trying to send her a message and soon enough you'll stop wanting to send her a message.

You're learning new habits - don't lose concentration.

Focus on the messages you seen yourself - not her.

I hate her, BTW. She is an affront to the sisterhood.

[This message edited by SBB at 8:05 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5572 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate her, BTW. She is an affront to the sisterhood.

SBB, you're the best. I totally appreciate the hate!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1983 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 18

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