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User Topic: Allow Myself to Introduce...Myself
hopeful10
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Madness Muse)))

I know this feels so complex, and you are dealing with a great deal of guilt due to your A and your behavior afterwards. Here is the thing about your situation though, and it is pretty simple: you are in an extremely abusive relationship. You are very much in the domestic violence cycle. Though you feel your WH's actions are justified, they aren't any more than any other man who hits a woman. Men sit in jail all the time for beating up their partners and every single one of them was falsely accused or aggravated by their evil partner. They all have a "really good excuse" for why they beat the &*%$ out someone they are supposed to love. The saddest part of all of it is that the women, the victims, will often agree that they must have done something to cause the violence. It is a really awful cycle.

Call a DV hotline. Every state has one and the volunteers and staff who man them are trained in domestic violence and how to deal with situations like yours. At the present, you are holding a ticking time bomb. He will hit you again, the question is whether or not he will kill you or permanently injure you this time.

I spent years volunteering at shelters and over hotlines, picking women up who managed to escape. There are people who can help you. They can get you to a shelter, you can file a restraining order against him, and get a divorce. I know this is hard to hear because you love him; but this isn't you giving up on him or your marriage, this is you choosing to live.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2012
SpotlessMind
♀ Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Madness Muse--

Please, please see to yourself and your safety. Your husband is abusive and controlling. He is showing the classic behavior of an abuser who is trying to isolate his spouse from any outside support.

No one deserves to be physically harmed or treated this way. No one.

I am fearful as to what he might do when you leave. Please consider contacting a local domestic abuse hotline and battered women's shelter when you leave. The next time he leaves a mark, please go to the doctor/hospital and tell them the truth. Though I hope you leave before that happens. A battered women's shelter can help you while you get on your feet.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 237 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
MadnessMuse
♀ New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel sick. I've never once thought of myself as a battered woman. Ever. But I know I am. I didn't realize battery included intimidation, that the years spent without any physical violence, I was still being abused in some way. I'm feeling...really overwhelmed right now, and a little out of breath.

Thank you all so much for your support. Thank you, thank you, thank you.


Madhatters, A's Concurrent
He knew (revenge); I didn't (shithead).
Limbo

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Over there...no, not there...there...yeah
MadnessMuse
♀ New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been talking with my sister all day about this. I sent her a link to this thread to get her caught up. It's like, now that I'm talking about it, I can't stop talking about it.

She suggested getting together a ready bag with some basic essentials - cash/prepaid card, prepaid phone, pepper spray, spare toiletries - and having it ready away from the house. I'll be starting that process today. I already have the bag, just need to get everything else together.

Things are very calm right now so it's a good time to get prepared. I'm not going to let myself believe everything's going to be okay like I always have before. I know this is just the calm before another storm.

As an aside, my husband was diagnosed bipolar not long after d-day. Other than a brief time taking Abilify, he's never been on any mood stabilizers, just AD's. He's taking Wellbutrin right now, which is a great upper, but someone who's bipolar doesn't need uppers so I know his meds aren't helping.

My insides are just all knotted up with anxiety right now.


Madhatters, A's Concurrent
He knew (revenge); I didn't (shithead).
Limbo

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Over there...no, not there...there...yeah
hopeful10
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take deep breaths, and to add to your list of things to keep outside the house is your social security card and birth certificate. Find out about the closest DV shelter. The locations are secret and they are well protected. Stay safe.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2012
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MM,

Just saw your thread and wanted to say that I agree you should take yourself to a safe place at once. There will be plenty of time to sort out your feelings once you are there.

I wanted to suggest a book by Lundy Bancroft, called Should I Stay or Should I Go. He also wrote Why Does He Do That?

Please take care, it sounds like you have a lot to work through for yourself right now. Never mind the M for the time being, you need to feel safe and you need to be healthy - mentally, physically, and spiritually.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1692 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
MadnessMuse
♀ New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SS card is in my wallet at all times. I know they say not to do that, but it's just a habit I got into while I was in college and living in the dorms.

My birth certificate is with my mother (I still have to ask her for copies when I need one), and our marriage license is in my car. He rarely leaves the house, except for doctor visits, so my car is as safe a hiding place as any.

I know there's a women's shelter in town somewhere; I shop at their resale shop all the time. I have no idea where the actual shelter is, though, which I guess is the point. My H may know where it is since this is his hometown, but sure they wouldn't let him in if they knew the situation? It's such a good ole boys' club here that I don't talk to anyone about personal stuff anymore. There's a good chance anyone I talk to is either related to, grew up with, babysat, married into at one point, or somehow knows my H's family.

Incidentally, I realized when the arguments started back up again after so much time of peace. It was when I started back to school and was less physically available to him. I guess he could feel his grip loosening; even one of my teachers said last semester that she noticed a change in me from the previous semester, that I seemed more confident. Just another clue, I guess.

Lyonesse, thank you for the book recs. I'll definitely need to check those out soon. I've been reading quite a bit online about abuse, narcissism, and sociopathy as well.

In an ironic twist, I started reading up when he started calling me a narcissist and a sociopath, and I realized how much of my husband I saw in the descriptions. I think he's what you would call a "covert narc;" everyone who meets him just adores him. Women literally flirt shamelessly with him right in front of me, or they would when we actually went out together. His ex still contacts him on occasion and wore her engagement ring for years after they broke up, only taking it off finally when we started dating three years later. I just wonder if anyone else has ever seen the parts of him that I have.


Madhatters, A's Concurrent
He knew (revenge); I didn't (shithead).
Limbo

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Over there...no, not there...there...yeah
hopeful10
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Find out the name of the local hotline. They will help set you up with a safe shelter. It may be in the next town over, etc. These shelters are safe. No one is allowed in unless she is a resident. No visitors, etc. Of course I can't guarantee that none of the volunteers or workers know him; but the women who do this as a living or volunteer do it because they have a firm belief in protecting others from abuse. Most often because they were victims themselves. Be safe, and if there is anything I can do to help you sort through things, feel free to PM me. I have 3 kids who are all home in a couple of minutes, so it may be a few hours, but I will get back to you. Be safe.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2012
MadnessMuse
♀ New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I looked up the local shelter in town, and it's in a part of town I've never been to on a street I've never heard of so at least it's well off the beaten path.

Once I've made all my preparations, what's my next step? Do I tell him? Do I leave him a letter while he's sleeping and just leave? Crickets? I'm afraid if I just disappear, he'll report me missing to the police, and I certainly don't want that. I hate the thought of just waking up for work and never coming back home.

This really sucks.


Madhatters, A's Concurrent
He knew (revenge); I didn't (shithead).
Limbo

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Over there...no, not there...there...yeah
hopeful10
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. do NOT tell him where you are going. Call the shelter hotline. Chances are they will help you get what is called a TRO or temporary restraining order against you WH. This means he cannot come within x feet of you. No showing up at your work, no following your car, nothing. Once you have this in place it is up to you not to break it. No sitting in his car to "talk." No taking his calls, absolute crickets. Because here is the thing, once you leave you will be in a situation that is potentially even more dangerous. He will be furious and desperate. He will do things you never thought possible, like lure you back and then beat the shit out of you. He may not do it immediately, but you can bet it will be simmering on the back burner.

So he calls the police. If they show up at your work, you politely explain that you left your abusive husband. They won't make you talk to him. If you work in town and he can get to your place of work, you are going to need to let your employer know what is going on. Look into the temporary restraining order. I would also look into getting a job in a new town. If things are as you describe, he will make your life a living hell.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2012
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Say nothing to him. Just leave.

I'm sorry. Your safety must be paramount. He isn't going to change.

Just leave.


BS
Three D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 394 | Registered: Apr 2009
MadnessMuse
♀ New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely won't tell him where I'm going. Once I'm away, I know NC is the best, safest course, which will be very difficult. We've never, since we met, gone an entire day without communicating with each other somehow. We've never spent more than a week apart since our first date.

It wouldn't be difficult at all for him to lure me back to him because that's where I want to be. I just don't want to be with the person he turns into. I want to be with the man I fell in love with. I guess I have to accept that that man either never existed or is dead now because I haven't seen him in a very long time. I see glimpses of him now and then, like now when he's being sweet and kind. That's a big reason for me to have a backup phone, so he won't have my number, and I can block his.

/sigh NC=No New Hurts. That will have to become my motto soon.

It's times like this that I see how much I really take after my mother. When I think about just up and leaving, the first thought I have is how *rude* that feels. Isn't that insane?


Madhatters, A's Concurrent
He knew (revenge); I didn't (shithead).
Limbo

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Over there...no, not there...there...yeah
hopeful10
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is the thing about abusers. They don't out themselves immediately. They can be the most charming guys on the planet. That is how women get lured in. The controlling nature often starts slowly and in ways you don't even realize. It just means he really loves you. Over time it takes different forms, until one day you wake up finding yourself justifying the fact that he just beat the crap out of you. Then, they make you believe that they can't live without you, and that you can't live without them. He will tell you he will kill himself if he can't have you. If he is really special, he will come up with some crazy disease that he is supposedly dying of. Anything to rope you back in.

Seriously though, nothing makes an abuser more angry than a partner who dares to leave. Once you are gone, be a ghost.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2012
MadnessMuse
♀ New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeful, it's so weird you said that. For years, my husband has been suffering from some illness he refused to name or see a doctor for. Eventually he revealed his entire body was eaten up with cancer, made an FB post about it and everything. Then suddenly, it's not cancer but MS. The symptoms fit better. He struggles to get around and is going blind, says he needs someone with him to help him or to go to an assisted living center.

He says his illness is a result of my actions, my karma, because I (cruelly, I know) swore on his life when I was still lying. He still won't see a doctor, just wants to let nature take its course. I've wondered for a while if he was pulling my leg about that too.


Madhatters, A's Concurrent
He knew (revenge); I didn't (shithead).
Limbo

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Over there...no, not there...there...yeah
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't read all the way through. It was clear within the first post.

This guy has had so many strikes, he just plain is O-U-T out.

Immediately go to the police station and file a report. When next he touches you in any abusive way, call the police, press charges.

Who cares what happened with you in theory beating him up? You beat the crap out of him? Sister, you didn't beat him hard enough, because he is still full of sh*t.

Save yourself, bail on this POS. And don't look back.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
hopeful10
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MM, when my mother got up the nerve to leave my father he showed up one night at her apartment and banged on the door until he let her in. Then, he proceeded to tell her and us his teenage children, that he had a brain tumor and he also had prostate cancer. I got to testify about that incident a year later at his trial for raping and beating my mother. Yeah, she went back to him.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2012
bitterbetrayal
♀ Member
Member # 26326
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is worth reading when you have time
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html
My FWH was a vicar and people worship the ground he walks on but he was still controlling and abusive. No one knew.He attended a 28 week course for domestic violence and is doing a lot of work on himself. He still has a long way to go.He also has amazing and loving qualities and is a spectacular dad to our children. He has anger problems. But I have also had a years worth of IC to understand myself and why I have allowed this control. You will need a great deal of IC/therapy to heal from this.Take care brave lady.


ME.BS 55
Him.WS 55 and a priest!
D-DAY 12/07/09
D-DAY-2 14/08/09
MARRIED 25 YEARS ON 25/08/09
BEEN TOGETHER 28 YEARS
TWO CHILDREN 20 and 22.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
hopeful10
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Madness Muse, please keep posting, even if it just here once a day to check in. Let us know you are ok.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2012
MadnessMuse
♀ New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, hopeful, for your worry. I really appreciate it right now. We're at the start of a "good stretch," so things are okay for the moment. I can only post freely while I'm at work; at home, it's only when I'm in the bathroom or if my husband is asleep so night time is hard for me. I'm working the afternoon/evening shift today though.

A good stretch just means we aren't talking about my infidelity so we're not having the same conversation/argument for a several hundredth time. It can last anywhere from a few days up to a few weeks. He's being wonderful and kind, we're watching TV (something we rarely do anymore), he's letting me go to sleep at night instead of keeping me up all night arguing.

I never know when the end of that stretch comes until I lie down to go to sleep, and you could cut the tension with a machete. Then the question, "Is there anything you want to talk about?" Well, no, actually, at this time of night when I have to work in the morning, when we've had all day to talk, when we've had the exact same conversation for years with no resolutions to your satisfaction, no, there isn't anything I'd like to talk about. I can't say that though so it's marathon time. The end of the good time is usually signalled by his taking a late evening nap, even just a few minutes long. He'll kiss me tenderly, tell me he loves me, fall asleep, and wake up in a totally different mood. No idea how much of that is bipolar and how much of that is just his anger coming through.

I will absolutely check in regularly. You all have taken so much time and energy to help me see the reality of my situation that I owe you the peace of mind to know it's not in vain.

And bitter, thank you very much for the link. I will try to read it sometime today while I'm at work. Fridays are always hectic in the retail world, but I can usually carve out some time for myself. Having my own office has its perks.

Also, I'm off work tomorrow (Saturday) so I won't be able to post as much, but I will make it a point to at least check in during the day.


Madhatters, A's Concurrent
He knew (revenge); I didn't (shithead).
Limbo

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Over there...no, not there...there...yeah
hopeful10
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for checking in, and glad things are calm for the time being. Unfortunately, as you know, that will come to end sooner or later. Take care.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2012
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