Im not saying once a cheater allways a cheater. Not at all. Im saying that IMO once a person shows you they will cheat that its possible they will do it again. Possible but not probable.
Allot of folks here will disagree with me. And its likely they are right to do so. My opinion tho is that people dont change BUT BEHAVIORS CAN CHANGE.
IMO what you are seeing in your WH is a change in his behavior. IF he maintains these changes. And they cant go on autopilot. He will have to be vigilant and work at maintaining these new habits and behaviors. If he does that then he wont cheat again.
But if what he is doing is *damage control* in his mind and as soon as he thinks your placated he backs off and resumes his old ways. Then its likely he will cheat again IMO.
"I'm new to this infidelity thing. How does it work?".
Actions and behaviors. Like you said, he has already shown he is capable.
Anyway I'm out of town again so I am trying so hard not read the shit he wrote.
Yes I still have it. And I hate him because I wonder everyday if he is still feeding me bullshit. Telling me what I want to hear... Why who the fuck knows.
Ugh I hate traveling. And he of course says nothing or doesn't even try to tell me "hey I know this is hard". He just tells me where he is I'm driving home I'm at the store
It's not like I can check his wear abouts 24/7. I'm tired.
I write about one way to view what you've reported. It's only one way. If it doesn't fit for you, so be it, but keep digging. Triggers and doubts need to be resolved; otherwise they eat away at you.
Triggering today over something that happened over 2 years ago says to me 2 things: first, and most important, I still have pain in the here and now related to this event, and 2nd, the event's in the past - what's my W doing now?
Resolving the here and now pain is very important to my mental health. I might write about it, vent on SI, talk with my W, scream, cry...all sorts of things like that have helped me in the past.
Noticing that the behavior was in the past and that my W isn't acting that way any more is important to healing our relationship. I'm 3 years out, and I'm just starting to consider accepting that my W really has changed - you know, 2-5 years....
Because our MC is my W's IC, I know my W has been dealing with her basic issues since D-Day. I know her C won't let her hide or dodge issues. My W's behavior has changed. So I've got evidence that allows me to think he cheating is in the past.
The question is: How has your H changed? If he hasn't changed, that could be why you're nervous. Maybe IC for him (with a goal of moving from 'cheater' to 'good partner') would help. If he balks at IC, maybe MC would help.
But maybe your doubt is just the doubt like I felt when we were only(!) a little over 2 years out.
Here is my logic. Yes, I have no guarantee that this new him is the real him, but thanks to his A, I will never believe that of anyone. So, why not take a chance on the father of my children? He is showing me now that he is trustworthy. He is open and communicative and caring for our marriage. I told him when I agreed to R that I wouldn't do it for anything less than the marriage of my dreams, and he is doing everything he can do give it to me. So, I am staying; and choosing to trust that he is safe to love.
Catlover posted something the other day that said something long the lines of if her H cheat again, he won't have the excuse of his brokenness anymore; and she will leave. I'm not phrasing that nearly as eloquently as she did; but I have a 4 month old beside me I feel the same way. He has uncovered his brokenness and is leading a far more authentic life than he ever has. He is the happiest I have ever known him to be. He is facing demons and understands the full implications of his negative behavior. If he cheats again, my decision to leave will be VERY easy. I won't be one of those who has to question whether he will really get it THIS time. I know he gets it, and if he cheats again it means he is someone I do not want in my life. I take a lot of solace in this.
This is a very roundabout way of saying, look at why you are afraid to trust that this is the real him. Is he doing everything you need him to? Has he uncovered how he could be so callous, selfish, broken? If he hasn't, I think your gut is telling you it isn't safe, with good reason. If you believe he has, then it may be as simple as needing to take a leap of faith. God knows that it easier said than done.
Lying daily all that time.
For me, it is now like this: For the past 3 years, I was told the sky is purple and I believed it. Now I have to believe that the sky is blue. And it is hard...
But if what he is doing is *damage control* in his mind and as soon as he thinks your placated he backs off and resumes his old ways
That is what our MC said yesterday. If he resorts back to his old ways, it isn't good. Right now, his head has been firmly pulled out of his ass.
I am having a hard time knowing who he really is. I don't know if I ever knew him, really. But never knew that I didn't know. (If that makes sense.)
I just don't know how to judge now if I know him or not. Or if he is just still showing me only what he wants me to see.
Part of me keeps trying to tell or convince myself, if he he does flip back that I can do it on my own. I am a strong person.
Hard to forget the worst of it all. He acts totally different now. Just so hard to think one person can behave in two so very very different ways.
Thanks for all your comments, u too WS. I think you got it. Hope my WS does too.
If he gives any indication that he's relapsed to his porn addiction, lying and cheating I'm gone with no regrets. Most of the time I'm fine but in my darkest moments I think that this is no way to live my life.