"The most expensive thing in th world is TRUST, it takes years to earn and just a matter of seconds to lose"
[This message edited by isadora at 6:01 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
I survived. And still am surviving. You will get through this
One of the reasons is that I didn't find SI until I discovered 2 months of false R in the 3rd or 4th A. You are already far ahead in that arena. I had no idea how to deal with or heal from our infidelities. Hell, I didn't even recognize that I had been both an OW and a WW until after I joined SI as a BW.
We rugswept everything. Each time, we were sure that he had "learned his lesson." "Boy, was that close! Whew!"
So we never fixed anything, never truly healed. And all we did was virtually guarantee another trip to Shitville.
Listen to the people who have been here a while. And be prepared to draw a line in the sand for your WH. I am definitely a fan of reconciliation, because it is working for us. But if he hadn't FINALLY believed that I was done and begun doing all of the "heavy lifting" we would have a different story.
First and foremost, ABSOLUTE NC. Total. No. Contact. Ever. With the AP (affair partner) That needs to be non negotiable. A very close second is transparency. He should have no access to any media, computer or communication device that is not open to you, anytime or anywhere. No passwords that you don't know. No email, IM, text or chat. That includes games like candy crush and words with friends.
I balked at all that. I didn't want to be his net nanny. But I did not understand the extent of his attachment or the characteristics of addiction that were there. And it was too easy for him to fall back into texting Whoreible to make himself feel better.
Don't settle. Demand his 100% God's honest best. Know that he will fail sometimes, but don't stop expecting his best.
There is hope. You don't have to go thru another day, but (and this part may really piss you off) you do not have any power over that. You didn't cause the affair. And you can't cure the marriage. It is a scary proposition to realize that there's no magic answer, like "Eureka! He had the A because I did x,y,z. So all I have to do is a,b,c and everything will be fine."
What you CAN do is let your H know your boundaries. And do whatever it takes to protect your boundaries. He may need a good bit of IC before he's even ready for MC. He needs to find out what was broken in him to allow him to choose infidelity, and then do the work to correct that.
Edited because I missed one autocorrect. My kindle does not like my dirty mouth, and apparently can't handle the word "piss".
[This message edited by HFSSC at 6:33 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]
If dday2 had gone the way dday1 had, he'd not have the chance he has. He's owning his shit, this time, as am I. I have ducks in row to leave if i need to, and have very big lines drawn in the sand.
Yep, it's scary...and quite common. Never thought I'd even have one DDay, let alone multiple...yet here I am.
D-Day June 12th 2008, D-Day #2 Sept 28th
D-Day #3 Feb 15th & 16th 2010, D-Day #4 Nov 29th 2010
What you CAN do is let your H know your boundaries
But the next three weeks, he wasn't acting right. Fought transparency, was defensive and angry. Even though it was pre-SI, I could tell this wasn't right...but he made me feel crazy for thinking that.
Sure enough, 3 weeks later I found out most of the rest. It was traumatic and horrible, but in a small way a relief, bc I'd started wondering if I really was crazy.
My first DDay was technically Sept 2006 - but I didn't know it was called DDay. Nor did I know about SI. We did in-house separation for about 6 months and he finally said "I want to stay married. I love you." I said "OK" and the magic broom swept everything under the rug. Until 2012...That story is in my profile.
The biggest difference between the two situations is that I can see that we never actually addressed the issues back in 2006-2007. His behavior outside of the house did not change at all! I didn't ask for full disclosure. I told myself that since he hurt me one time and apologized, he would NEVER do that to me again. And I tried to be the best possible wife I could be. What I didn't know then is that it was never about ME.
We have successfully reconciled now after a 10 month physical separation in 2012. We have worked together and individually to address our issues. But most of all, I used the tools and strength I have gained from this site and set very clear boundaries and expectations. If he wasn't willing to put our marriage first on his priority list, then we would have divorced.
Fortunately for you, you can take the wealth of knowledge found on this site and move forward in a healthy way - unlike me in 2006. No doubt it is very scary. But hang in there. You will come out OK on the other side.