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Newest Member: FeebleHercules (44938)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Seriously hating my life
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never signed up for this. 7 weeks have gone by and I'm in hell. Living a life I never would have imagined. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I'd truly rather be battling cancer. Being betrayed by someone I loved, respected and admired. The person I chose to marry. The father of my children. Hell

Yesterday std testing. Today MC. The MC said we have to each decide is we are all in 100% to R or to coparent split and she will counsel us to help better marriage or be good coparents. Uh, I don't even know if I want to remain alive at this point and I'm supposed to make a decision? Isn't that what MC is for? To explore why the A happened, to explore if it's best to split or if Marriage has a chance? My H can say he's all in for this, but is not. She had a leave w hw assignments. Kiss 4 times a day and think positive thoughts about each other 4 times a day.
I'm so emotionally unstable, raw that some days I can't look at him. Some days we have sex and I love him.

Is this too soon to start MC? It's every two weeks. I'm not feeling like I can make any damn decision at this point. I'm still in awe the person I loved most in life screwed my friend for two years.

Tell me this will get better. I'm ready to pack it in and get the heck out


Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2013
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HMH, I just wrote this on another thread:
Finding a quality therapist that connects well with you is a tough job -- unfortunately, a lot of people give up after the first try. I went through 2 ICs before I finally found #3 and she just told me she's retiring this summer . We saw 3 different MCs over the past 2 years: 1 gave me only one 45 min session to ask every question I had about my H's 15 month affair and then I was to stop asking, 1 actually nodded off during one of our sessions, and one seemed to need to be reminded why we were there at every session. I'm not making this stuff up! My husband, fortunately, found an amazing IC who helped him rediscover himself. We are both very grateful that we finally found two good professionals to help us through this difficult journey. It's made a huge difference - but it was a job finding them.

I don't think it's too early to see a MC, but it does seem that your hw assignments are premature (IMO) 7 weeks out is just an awful, awful time, I know. You are hurting and have every right to feel all the emotions that come with this injury. Get some help and don't give up if the help is lacking. ((((Hatemyhusband))))


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 192 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
neverwillhapn2me
♂ Member
Member # 41912
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hatemyhusband,

I must admit im not even as far a long as you, and im not too sure how I feel because I have shown little emotions, besides worry about my children. Im told it is shock but how long will shock last.....

Im leaning toward D just to be open and honest.

But I would think unless you know you are committed to the M that MC will be pointless at this time. You will not be working on the M because you are not committed yet to R.

Focus on you and your IC at this time until you know if you want to attempt R.


My H can say he's all in for this, but is not
.

At this time it seems your not even sure if your WS is committed R.

Take your time and make the best decision for you and your family, nothing wrong with spending sometime in Limbo especially at 7 weeks


The saddest thing about betrayal is it never comes from your enemies


If your searching for that one person that will change your life, look in the mirror.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ontario
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The MC said we have to each decide is we are all in 100% to R or to coparent split and she will counsel us to help better marriage or be good coparents. Uh, I don't even know if I want to remain alive at this point and I'm supposed to make a decision?

I don't agree with this. I think to R you both have to be in 100%, but you don't have to decide that yet. I am just now comfortable with putting in effort. Our MC just tells us both, I'm here now, and that might be the most I have to offer at that moment. And that's good enough 'for now'. It can't stay that way, but it's good enough for now. It's a relief. I can watch. I can think. I don't have to pretend. It's freeing to 'just be here' some days. It's so hard Ihatyhusband, so very hard. I spent days in a daze... It will get better. Hang in there. Just wait it out. Tell yourself you'll stay for 6 months and then reevaluate.....


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


My H can say he's all in for this, but is not

I didn't mean that. He is totally saying he's in for R. He's transparent. Remorseful. Trying hard to please me. Admitting blame.

I meant to say How would I know for sure he's sincere? He lied and cheated. Why would I believe him now


Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2013
nomoredreams
♀ New Member
Member # 41907
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I am overwhelmed on your behalf. I am at 4 weeks and 2 days after discovery (not that I am counting!) We have been together 22 years, his "friendship" lasted a year and ended in an STD for me. I am looking for a MC and an IC that will see me/us around my sick child's chemo schedule.

That said, if a counselor looked at me at this point and said commit 100% right now, I would walk out of the office.

Without my child's need for me at this point, I do not know what would happen. I love my husband. I have for a long time. But he gave my marriage away to another woman. It is 100% my call as to what I do next and when I do it. Neither he nor a counselor has the right to tell me to commit 100% now.

I need time to think, to feel, to just learn to breathe again-I did not know you could forget. I am not walking out on the promises I made to God, just trying to see if I can live with the fact that he did.

A dozen long-timers may come behind me and say the counselor is right. Maybe s/he is. For me? I have to do this in a way that is right for me. I had NO say in the affair. No one asked me if it was okay, if my husband could lie, sneak, and betray me and our kids. I will be damned if I have to reconcile on my husband's-or a counselor's, schedule. It is my broken heart.

And your heart is yours. I think it needs to heal and I think a counselor could be a wonderful guide for that. I just do not think one that is going to put you on a, "Do this now. Stop. Now do this" schedule is a good idea for anyone. Grieving and healing always take time and happen at different rates. A good counselor should know this.

Sorry. I did not mean to be so long winded. Your text just really struck a nerve. Forgive me if I was out of line.

God's love and strength to you,
nmd


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I would think unless you know you are committed to the M that MC will be pointless at this time. You will not be working on the M because you are not committed yet to R.

For us, we aren't working on the marriage per se, we are dealing with the affair. And the MC should be helping you with that first.


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I meant to say How would I know for sure he's sincere? He lied and cheated. Why would I believe him now

You have said this in different ways in your recent posts. I get it...Why would you believe him???

Well, just like you trusted your gut when you found him out...Your gut needs to be consulted when you doubt his words.

Watch his actions not his words if you want to know the truth.

Check in...go deep. You will know. After all of this bullshit betrayal, your spidy senses will be shrieking if something was amiss.

You just found out. Trust takes time...and a pure heart.

Try to make yourself comfortable in your current situation. It's not easy. But try.

If he is not doing what you need for him to do for your healing...if you are getting the correct response from him...calm conversation will help (in particular) You will know all about it...if he hits the mark or fails.

Trust yourself to know what is really up. The blindsighting is over. He was a liar and a cheat...only you know if he is still doing those things.

Watching your man change for the better can be wonderful. Hang in there and be vigilent.

He, no doubt, is benefiting from this journey. Just know that his love for you is the motivating force that keeps him moving forward with you. It's his job to make sure that you are feeling loved and safe.

Enjoy the HB!

Sending you strength and grace in the future.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 4:06 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning hatemyhusband. Just thought I'd chime in with my two cents. There is no way that you should be committed to this marriage at this early date. It is way too soon. You are still reeling from the shock, pain, humiliation, and total devastation of this affair. How could any person in their right mind make such an important life changing decision at this time. See this MC again but if you decide it's not a good fit, change -get a different one. I understand that any MC is going to say things you don't want to hear, but seriously, asking you to commit this early on is just plain lunacy. It has only been over the last few weeks that I haven't wanted to die. I know how you feel. We all do. There are still many times I wish I was not here, but I am and I'll be damned if I am going to give up. I will hang on until my gut gives me my final decision. It's been over a year for me and I still vacillate between going and staying so having the definitive answer this early just isn't feasible yet. This is the part where I quote my favourite word "time". This is going to take a long, long time. I am sorry to tell you but it's going to be a long time before you feel any differently, but you will. It will creep up on you and someday you will laugh again. I know it sounds impossible, but you will.(((Hate husband)))

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The MC said we have to each decide is we are all in 100% to R or to coparent split and she will counsel us to help better marriage or be good coparents.

Hmm.. my worry here is that if she is this quick in wanting to rush you into being 100% all in for R at only 7 weeks after the DDay of an affair that lasted 2 years, will she also be rushing you to move on from the affair itself just as quickly, rugsweeping it aside to work solely on 'the marriage issues'? It makes me wonder how much successful experience this MC has actually had with infidelity and what her approach to it is. Have you asked her? Hatemyhusband, don't let yourself be rushed into anything you are not ready for because that could really be a recipe for disaster down the line.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:26 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1875 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
myeverafter
Member
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today MC. The MC said we have to each decide is we are all in 100% to R or to coparent split and she will counsel us to help better marriage or be good coparents.

Way to early to make that decision... But I don't think it is too early for MC. Are you in IC too?

Right now, you probably feel like you are still spinning in every direction by your toe nail. You don't know what is up or what is down. Your whole life has been changed. (I like to say shattered, but I may be dramatic.)

Hmm.. my worry here is that if she is this quick in wanting to rush you into being 100% all in for R at only 7 weeks after the DDay of an affair that lasted 2 years, will she also be rushing you to move on from the affair itself just as quickly, rugsweeping it aside to work solely on 'the marriage issues'? It makes me wonder how much successful experience this MC has actually had with infidelity and what her approach to it is.

Amen to that. You can't move on until you know "who" you are R with. You can't move on until you deal/process the past.


Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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