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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I have "her" number
cbrum84
♀ Member
Member # 42061
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mt Dday was only 3 days ago. He was honest with me and told me everything that happened, but that doesnt make it better. I told him I wanted her number. At first he did not want to give it to me because he said it would only cause more hurt. No sexual relationship happened, only text. And when I say that I am not trying to make light of what he did. He knew the line was crossed for me. But he gave me her number last night, and now I dont know what to do. I want to make her feel the pain that I feel. I want her to know that she did not break me. Is that wrong? But a part of me just wanted to know that he would give me her number. I want to call her or text her because he doesnt want me to...but I dont want to because I dont want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how empty I feel.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cbrum, if you're hoping she'll maybe tell you something more than he has admitted to, the chances are slim to none. It's a pretty sure bet that he's already warned her about giving you her number and has probably asked her to keep her mouth shut and not say anything if you contact her. That's pretty much a given.

Does the OW have a boyfriend? Significant other? Husband? If so, he needs to be told. It's the right thing to do but more importantly, the more light you shine on a cockroach, the more it scurries away. That usually keeps the affair partner away when their spouse is also keeping an eye on them.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW claimed there was nothing more then texting/EA for 3 months. Then I keep looking and discovered more. She finally came clean about everything, which included meeting the AP at a hotel 6 times(which ended 3 months ago), when part of the truth came out.

If you gut is telling you there is more... there probably is. Don't fall for the lies. They ALWAYS LIE and LIE more to protect themselves. Get phone records and texting records. Look for things that don't look right. Make him be 100% open and transparent... all passwords.. all access to everything... NO EXCEPTIONS!!!


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 415 | Registered: Dec 2013
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<t/j>
NeverAgain2013, I love that line.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.

<end-t/j>


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 415 | Registered: Dec 2013
cbrum84
♀ Member
Member # 42061
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have all his passwords and records...that is what gets me. We have never had a trust issue. I have had those from the time he got his phone, his email or whatever, and he has mine. We have always been open and honest with each other. She does not have a significant other, but she does have an ex husband, and from what she has texted she is scared that he will hurt her if he finds out she was texting. Everything he has told me so far has been the truth. Her messages to him were disgusting. Some were just daily hellos, but others were not. His return text to her were short, usually a hi, or a no..in response to some of her questions. He did admit that his was sexually attracted to her, but promises that it did not go that far. I know it sounds crazy because I am on here asking what to do, but not all cases the person is lieing. OR am I just in denial? Is it possible that he is telling the truth?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cbrum84 -
I have the OM's number too. I've had it since I discovered the texts and phone calls in August last year. I've wanted to call, but I have not.

Calling the OW won't do any good. If you have to "run her off" to keep your husband, you don't need your husband. That's how I feel about my WW.

While the OW definitely lacks some morals, she didn't cheat on you, your WH did. She didn't make a vow to you, your WH did.

I'll also caution you on what others have eluded to. My WW swore to me on the Bible (if you knew her, that would mean a lot more) that it was just texting and they were "just friends". Enter November, and I find out she's been to one of his properties 1-2 a week since July culminating in an afternoon/evening at an Inn. Where there's smoke, there's fire. I'm not saying your WH is not telling you the truth, but if I were you I would take everything he says and verify for yourself.

Hang in there. Time helps.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
cbrum84
♀ Member
Member # 42061
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then am I just stupid for wanting to believe him. Everyone says find the truth...how do you do that when the only people who know is my husband and her? The truth is I will never know the "Truth".

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW is his coworker and they were sexting each other. The chances that nothing physical happens between two people sending texts like these, when they are in close proximity of each other is very slim. Please get tested for STD's and insist he do the same. You say you trust him. But you shouldn't. Cheaters lie. And he cheated. He gets credit for confessing..but even those who confess usually don't confess everything off the bat. Im sorry, Im not trying to be harsh at all. I am worried about you..and you must protect yourself. STD testing is a good start.

OW's SO needs to be told. He deserves to know what has happened in his relationship. And, since OW still works with your WH, the more people who know about this, the better. Affairs thrive in secrecy.

You say you have access to all of his accounts. Does this include work email/phone?

Please take care of yourself. Right now, nothing he says matters. Watch his actions.


ETA:
How do you find the truth? Put a keylogger on the computer and spyware on his phone. Don't tell him. If he contacts her, you will know. Put a VAR in his car and make sure they're not meeting on break in his car. Also, if he has another cell that you don't know about, the VAR will let you know. And you can tell him he has to take a polygraph. This is very common. If he says no..he is hiding something. If he says yes..follow through. Even if he admits to something else before the test.

And no, you are NOT stupid. You are a wife who has been traumatized by her WH's affair. Of course you want to believe him..he is your husband and,as you said, you have always had a relationship where there is trust. it is your instinct to want to believe him. The thing is, he has changed the dynamics of your marriage. He has shown you he is capable of deception, and abusing your trust.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:22 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sparkle09
♀ Member
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were in the same situation until a week ago and I wore down my husband until he confessed to sleeping with the OW. I believed mine to at first but a women's intuition is never wrong. I knew. In my heart there was more.


Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jan 2014
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would call her, and I only say that because I did. And when I did it helped me see her as human and I stopped imagining so much.

You may not know all the facts yet, so maybe hold off. But I think I would call and say something like, "He's just told me everything that happened, I wanted to hear your side". Key word is 'just' so she can forget any story they may have come up with together.

I agree with the others, this early there may be more to come.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2013
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inspect all credit cards and bank cards...

Look for the loadable credit cards as well. If you find one, typically you can go online and look at the history as well.

Look for anything suspicious. Does he work travel? Is there a chance that she went as well?


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 415 | Registered: Dec 2013
cbrum84
♀ Member
Member # 42061
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK thats the thing...I have the credit cards all in my name..he has none...no reloadable in the wallet nothing! Our bank account says nothing. But sadly I just tried to buy some spyware so maybe I will give it a little while and see. I feel so horrible for doing that. I feel no better than him.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
Kitty70
♀ Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah this is a tough one. I would join the club in thinking there might be more. My ex was very tight lipped and made light of my discoveries. The fact that he is/was emotionally "stunted" showed through in his communications. Could be your husband is the same way. I don't know. Just trust your gut.


Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's very common for the OW to buy their OM a phone to use so they can take it underground.

Im sorry you feel bad about the spyware. None of us like living like this. But none of us were given a choice. You are taking steps to protect yourself.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Kitty70
♀ Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and I had several of the numbers too. I only called one of them once. She put my fears to rest and said I had nothing to worry about. She acknowledged my man sent her a couple of weird emails (I knew which ones she was talking about). It helped but I don't know. I've also come across one woman who claimed she was dating my boyfriend, in person, and she was kinda nasty to me. You just don't know who you'll get.

I know how tempting it is...


Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't assume you know everything just because he says so. Maybe he has told you everything. Chances are he hasn't.

My WH insisted he was only texting. This went on for 6 months until I tricked him into admitting it was a PA.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you inspect his bookbag/briefcase for cards as well?

Look in his vehicle as well... for a phone, credit card, etc. that you don't know about.

A voice activated recorded in his vehicle is a good way of seeing if he is having convo's with a AP.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 415 | Registered: Dec 2013
cbrum84
♀ Member
Member # 42061
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I want to move past this how can I keep telling him he is a liar. Doesnt there come to a point where you agree to disagree

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
PurpleLilac
♀ New Member
Member # 42031
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There isn't a rush to make a decision today as to his truth. Of course you can, if all you want is to move past this.

[This message edited by PurpleLilac at 12:27 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]


Me-BS
Him-WH

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't move past this. You work through it. This is a process.Moving past it, without doing the hard work involved to repair the damage WH has caused, is rugsweeping. And rugsweeping almost guarantees another dday.

I know we all sound terribly negative. Im sorry for that. But you have a WH who was sexting a COW..one that he works with every day. WHY were they sexing? How did it start? There had to be some lead up to the sexting. Flirting? What kind? Did they take breaks together at work? Usually when there is sexting involved and both people are in close proximity, the sexting happens because something sexual happened first.

I know it may not seem that way, but we are all trying to support YOU and give you the best advice we can.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:46 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 42
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