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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I need all new friends
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I met AP through a fitness activity and so for now, I've given up my group activity that I used to attend 4-6x a week. I still have a few friends I can run with, but some of them still participate in the group activity that I can't attend. None of them know the real reason I've been absent, so they continue to talk about it. Hearing stories about what I'm missing is so hard. Not only do I miss the actual activity (and I'm feeling gross about how my body is reverting back so quickly already), it just brings up sadness about what I've done to cause it all. I'm on the verge of tears every time its brought up.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops, I didn't mean to post with a stop sign.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've removed the stop sign, please be more careful in the future


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197188 | Registered: May 2002
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fallout of our A's can be tough. It can affect so many areas of our lives.
My Bs and I are members of a 12 step recovery program.
My AP was a member too. We had to leave our area, and start going to another area.
We left behind a really comfortable spot, and a lot of friends and support.
We still can contact the people we left behind, but don't see them on a regular basis.

Fitting into another area has taken time, and is not easy.

Can you join another group? Or participate in something similar?


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you join another group? Or participate in something similar?

We talked about me joining another location, but he's just not comfortable with it yet. I've been searching for something similar but nothing is standing out. I feel so, so lost without this aspect of my life present anymore. And I don't even feel like I can talk to BH about it. I feel guilty for wanting it back when I'm the one that ruined it. I feel like I should be feeling guilty for everything else and it's wrong to have this weighing on my mind.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you a PM Jovie.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6145 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
TheClimb
♀ Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have a women's only gym here; perhaps your husband would feel more comfortable about that.

I don't like working out with others so I don't go to a gym and might be way off the mark here but I was a little surprised to see that you attended 4-6 times per week. Maybe your husband also has issues with you spending so much of your time with others instead of him? Just a thought.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 458 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We talked about me joining another location, but he's just not comfortable with it yet.

Well then, wait. Wait until he is comfortable. Is this something he is involved with too?

I feel guilty for wanting it back when I'm the one that ruined it.

Of course you want it back, it's something that is good for you (A not included) Exercise makes us feel great. But yeah, you ruined it. Acceptance will come

T/J

We have a women's only gym here

That's awesome!!!! end T/J


Maybe your husband also has issues with you spending so much of your time with others instead of him? Just a thought.

A GOOD thought...


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hearing stories about what I'm missing is so hard.

I feel so, so lost without this aspect of my life present anymore.

Jovie, gently, you brought this up before in a thread, IIRC. All I hear is "me, me, me".

Your Betrayed Husband is probably missing the aspect of his wife where he thought you were faithful. Your Betrayed Husband is probably feeling so so lost without the aspect of having a spouse who is safe for him.

You MET and ENACTED your affair through this activity. Mourning the loss of it, to my way of reading it, is not ONLY mourning the fitness/sport comraderie. It is likely much deeper mourning of YOUR AP. This activity, and you thinking about it is NOT SAFE for you or your BH.

Please take a moment to ask yourself what you are doing to make yourself safe and authentic for your BH and YOU. Your BH must be hurting something awful, angry, confused, scared...and for you to be pining for your fitness fix, which is intimately connected to your betrayal and affair, simply isn't fair. Your DDay was recent.

I'm sorry you have activities you like. I have done an incredible number sports and fitness activities since I was a small child. I did them exceptionally well, and in one at a nationally recognized level. After college I continued doing athletic endeavors, and my alcoholism and addictions ramped up. I intermingled using alcohol and drugs with doing sports (adrenalin based "extreme" stuff). Lucky I didn't get myself killed. And as I mentioned in your previous thread on this topic (IIRC) I had to, when it was time to get real about my recovery from addiction, give up people, places, and things. Yup, even the most intense sport I loved the most.

You are at a very early point in your "recovery" from infidelity. And it saddens me to see you clinging to a "thing" that is damaging to you and your recovery, a HUGE TRIGGER for your BS, and was a direct foundation for your illicit affair and your AP.

I would like to suggest, gently, that you find a way to completely disconnect yourself from every aspect of THE PEOPLE and THE PLACE you did your activity. And that you find a way, if you want to put your marriage first, your betrayed husband first, and YOU first, to train at home and alone. If you make the conscious choice for recovery for the affair and damage you caused, then you need to jettison this activity, and the pining away for it (and likely on a deeper level - HIM - your AP).

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. If you want a shoulder to cry on, it isn't mine. But if you want your marriage to have a chance to survive infidelity, perhaps my words and suggestions are something you will take to heart.

You CAN train and be athletic and engage in a sport in a safe way. You are not doing so right now in either your mind, body, or heart.

I gave up favored adrenalin junkie sport (and subsidiary ones) and all of their "people, places, and things" for the first 7 years or so of my recovery from alcoholism and drugs. I took up other things that were clean and didn't have associations. And now I have back my favorite sport, and a few new ones that I have only done clean and sober.

You can train in a safe way. If you don't, I feel you will struggle to heal, reconcile, and be authentic.

Wishing you the best on your journey,

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is likely much deeper mourning of YOUR AP.

I just want to be clear that this is absolutely not the case. I was not "emotionally" involved and have no care in the world for AP and actually despise the thought of him at this point. I don't miss any part of our time together.

I would like to suggest, gently, that you find a way to completely disconnect yourself from every aspect of THE PEOPLE and THE PLACE you did your activity.

Exactly, which is why I feel I need all new friends. Everyone I talk to on a daily basis reminds me of it. One of them is even a co-worker and I've been thinking about the possibility of looking for a new job!

I guess I was looking for sympathy, or just someplace to vent. While this post may be all about me, I think I'm doing my best to do my part to get right with BH. I haven't talked about this with him recently because I recognize it's selfish and I need to let it go.

ETA - although, he's been encouraging me to talk more and open up more about how I'm feeling about things and sometimes when I'm sad, it's because of this and I don't know what to say. I wish I didn't feel this way. Again, I guess it's so early for me still I just have to work on it and give it time.

[This message edited by Jovie at 10:40 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

None of them know the real reason I've been absent, so they continue to talk about it.
Jovie - Is this something you can change? Is there a way for you to let them know you'd rather not hear about it? I'm not necessarily saying to out yourself here. That's a separate issue entirely. But I am wondering if you would be able to set a boundary with your friends that puts talk of the group activity (and other participants) off-limits? If it isn't something that you are able to do directly, could you do it indirectly through refocusing conversations?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24921 | Registered: Aug 2011
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jovie - I am a BS but thought I could give you my own situation to help.

My WW had a LTA with a guy that participated in her favorite sport. This is a sport she has long participated in but for me it was very difficult to disconnect the connection of this sport to her LTA because it is where she met her OM. I guess fortunately at the time I found out about her LTA, her league she played in was on break. My WW was sensitive to how this connection was a problem for me going forward but of course this is something that she loved to do. I too didn't want her to have to give it up but knew it was going to be very difficult for me.

I have allowed my WW to play this sport again but it was a gradual transition back. For the 2 months she did not play at all. Eventually, she asked me if she could play again but I put some conditions on it. She did not join a co-ed team, women team only. She also only went directly to the game and directly back home after. I was given the league schedule. Often they would hang out after playing at where they played or went to a bar. Early on I was certainly not ready for that.

I have to tell you the first few weeks of her playing were very hard for me. When she was out - my mind was racing with thoughts of her A. I tried distracting myself by doing things around the house as best I could. My WW would text me when she got there and when the game was done to tell me she was on her way home. That communication helped. After several weeks I was able to get more comfortable with it but I still have some associations with it. At the end of the season I was comfortable with it enough that I was able to let her go out with her friends on the night of the final game of the season.

A year plus later, she still only plays on womens only leagues. I get forwarded all schedule information on when and where games are being played. It is still a connection for me but it is not that bad and I can handle it well. If we did not have younger kids, one thing that would have helped a lot is me being able to go to the games with her. I would have done that but with kids it wasnt possible for us.

I let my wife continue to play because I know how much she loves the sport. We are in R and doing well, I want her to be happy but this was something that we had to work together on to get through. However, if early after DDay she was making a big issue of it I dont know if I would be able to handle it today as well as I am. I needed that gradual transition so make sure that I was feeling safe along the way. My WW needed to show me patience in me being able to deal with it which she did.

You seem very soon after DDay and this association is going to be very difficult for your BH, you need to be patient with him so he feels safe and understands that you have your priorities correct.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 472 | Registered: Nov 2012
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ReunitePangea - thank you sooooo much for that story. At first I didn't understand the association since the OM was taken out of the situation and I thought that would be the only connection he would have a problem with. I definitely pushed too hard in the first few days after DDay. I understand MUCH better now through posting here and MC that it's the entire activity that carries the connection and know I have to do what's best for him in order to do what's best for our M. Although I'm sad about it and will probably continue to discuss it here and in IC, I will wait for him to bring it up again and just hope we can get there eventually. But you're story has really made me feel much better, that it is possible to find a way to make it work.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your welcome Jovie, I am glad that I was able to help. Based on what you have written before I am sure your BH is associating your A with your activity which is what makes it hard. Be patient with him, show him that your getting your priorities correct - family first and then friends with your activity.

I will wait for him to bring it up again and just hope we can get there eventually

You may need to ask again but wait until you do so. Your BH is telling you he is not ready right now - it is still early for him. Give him more time then ask him again in a relaxing way and let him it be a joint decision for both of you. Make it something that he gets to have a say in and not just I need to do this type approach. Working well together to find solutions to any problems always helps strengthen a marriage.

When my wife texted me to tell when and where she was at and when her game was over I got lots of thank you and I love you and other reassurances with those texts - that helped.

I will tell you that very first night she played was very, very hard. I do not cry often, DDay brought tears to my eye, the night she played her first game again after DDay also brought tears to my eyes. Playing depressing music while she was out was probably not a good idea on my part. In highsight, I probably should have invited a good understanding friend over to watch a game on tv or something for that first night.

I definitely pushed too hard in the first few days after DDay

Don't worry too much about that. We all make mistakes after DDay, both WS and BS do. Once the initial shock has past, it is the words and actions that back up those words that matter most.

[This message edited by ReunitePangea at 12:33 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 472 | Registered: Nov 2012
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Based on what you have written before I am sure your BH is associating your A with your activity which is what makes it hard. Be patient with him, show him that your getting your priorities correct - family first and then friends with your activity.

My wife was SUPER into fitness during the time of her A. OM had nothing to do with it. He was a fat slug. But until she deleted all her fitness FB friends and emotionally gave up her past life (that did not include me), I was continually triggering. Even the stupid bumper stickers on the car pissed me off. It was just an advertisement to me that something (fitness) was a higher priority to me.

We've sort of had a fresh start. Now I'm her fovorite (and only) workout partner.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
Topic Posts: 15

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