Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Raggz (44204)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Whatever we pay attention to...grows.
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a common saying....and I have seen it work. Work fantastically well in my personal life (getting out of debt) as well as in my professional life (team focused on success have succeeded).

So I think about a nice work shirt with an ink stain at the pocket.

90%....maybe 95% of that shirt is clean and perfect....but where does your focus go when you shake the hand of the man wearing that shirt go? Right to that spot.

Further more, when I get a performance review.....it is not uncommon to hit 37 of the 40 rating areas but I find myself focusing on the 3 that failed to meet expectations. Even if among the 37 there are a number of "excels at" marks and the 3 others were just slightly below expectations.....it doesnt shake my focus on what I need to improve on.


So how does this work with adultery? What does this look like?

My concern is pre-A blakesteele focused perhaps too much on the 95% really good and ignored what are now "areas that need improvement".

Now....I want to nurture what is good and healthy in my M, but find myself still processing (focusing) on my pain.

Is this focusing? Is it processing? Is it the same thing?

If I focus on the positives....how do you navigate away from "rug sweeping"?

My lack of trust in myself comes from what I chose to do upon my DD.....trying to focus on what is still good, the positives of remaining a functioning family, to jump in with both feet in MC (I don't even know if that statement is true as FOO issues were in full-play, and I was not aware of them then).

Lots of questions here......I really subscribe to the theory that you have to visualize something before it can happen. My wife visualized being with her AP at the emotional level shortly after meeting him, but before it was an EA....it became an EA. She then visualized what it would be like to be physical with him.....she then held his handd, then wondered about kissing and kissed....then wondered about sex and had sex.

But how do you do this while guarding yourself?

Maybe this is the vulnerability thing that is next on my list ot investigate?

New MC meeting today.......lots of questions.....


God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blake, I would say that pre-A I paid attention to the bad stuff moreso than anything else. But I didn't really do much about it. And it grew. Boy, did it grow! At some point, in 2011 (pre-D-Day), I decided - enough! I cannot do this anymore bc I really do want us to be happy. I do not want to be divorced.

Then I found out about the A.

I remember reading in After the Affair (which some do not care for bc they feel the BS is getting "blamed" - I never felt that way), she wrote: Ask yourself what was truly good about your relationship and what was genuinely bad.That stuck.

So....I guess what I am trying to pay attention to now is not so much the details of the A, but the behavior that led my H to have an A. And to my own behavior that was not healthy for our M even before the A started.

We have a few fam members who for DECADES have focused on the negative. And it has harmed literally aspect of their life from friends and family, to work and of course - their own well-being.

At least one of these people started out as the BS. But her....determination (and I say that bc she would bring it up constantly and where ever at - wedding, funerals, casual run ins at the grocery store to whomever - strangers, family, friends) to keep focusing on the betrayal, 10, 15, years later has kept her from the possibility of finding an amazing love again. It has kept her from great and fulfilling work, it has kept her from optimal health.

So, she is the real-life example I turn too with regards to "what not to do" when you are betrayed bc IMO she paid attention to the deceit - the act itself and ran with it. There was been little introspection done in the two decades I have known her.

I have had many a-ha moments this week so have been quiet. Hope to post more in the near future.

Have a good day, blake.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2102 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am thinking "out loud" here, as I am not sure of the answer to this myself:

Is this focusing? Is it processing? Is it the same thing?

If I focus on the positives....how do you navigate away from "rug sweeping"?

I believe there is a certain amount of processing that has to go on after a trauma like this, but I also believe that we can get so caught up in the pain (after some indeterminate point) that we neglect things we can do to feel better, and to get better.

I struggle with this in terms of the mind movies, or "flashes" that I have. Like yesterday, when my H said I was beautiful, my mind immediately thought: "Yes, but you told her that, too." Ouch. Is that "processing?" Is that "pain shopping?" Is it something I just have to desensitize myself to? Like, think it 25 times, and it will hurt less? And yesterday was bad - I feel like everything that happened I filtered through the affair.

So, I know this "filtering" isn't healthy - some amount of it may just be processing, but some of it is just 'hurt mind.' I am spottily reading an interesting book called "Living and Loving After Betrayal" where the author talks about dealing with the intrusive thoughts. He says they are a biological remnant of the trauma - literally like a brain hiccup. It is normal, but that too much meaning should not be attributed to the content of the thoughts, and that focusing on them actually prolongs the pain.

So, I am not sure. Struggling with this myself, obviously. I am trying to be Zen about it -- my overall distress level does seem to be lower upon thinking the things, so it is more like a medium-level ache than a knife plunging in the heart most times, now. So, I hope that is progress.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say that pre-A I paid attention to the bad stuff moreso than anything else. But I didn't really do much about it. And it grew.

Thanks LA44....this is the more real statement about how I operated in my marriage pre-A. I believe I mis-spoke earlier....but having read this by you, I am very open to having done the same thing. On the outside I was focusing on the good....on the inside I knew things were not right. And THAT is NOT focusing on the good.

I would appear to be optimistic...but when I would gather up our girls to take them to the pool after work so my wife could have some time to herself....I would feel a disconnect. Kicker was, my wife rarely (never?) actually requested I do this. She agreed enough to NOT override my plans to give her space, but she never requested it.

I gotta tell you....I just can't fully admit to "knowing" how I was pre-A....my perspectives have been altered now. But I think there is a good chance I was NOT focusing on the good in a way that nurtures it. Maybe it was more like I was "selling myself that there was no bad" instead? FOO influence.

Anyway....thanks for your post. It moved me a bit on what I was stuck on....still stuck, but a little further down the creek now.

Thanks bionicgal....sorry you are struggling in similar fashion as I am, but am grateful you posted. It makes me feel a bit more normal! I do that roll-up-to-A-related-pain thing too. My old IC said that is perfectly normal and is healthy....as long as you dont get stuck there. Have to feel to heal. So my IC seconds your thoughts on this and I believe you and I are both processing....as long as we dont get stuck there. And by your posts....you are NOT anywhere close to getting permenantly stuck there.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:04 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, this is exactly what I'm grappeling with right now.

I believe that I do have a job right now; be happy whenever I can.

I am taking my mind in that direction every time I can and away from pain. I don't think that I am living life anymore by constantly focusing on the pain.

With a genuinely remorseful spouse, I feel like we are on the same side on this matter. We both discuss what the pros and cons of a topic is, we notice how I manage the aftermath of certain discussions, and act accordingly.

I am just beginning this stage where I finally believe in the value of re-directing my mind. Before these last months, I would have called it rug-sweeping, now I call it living.

The key is, that moment, that decision, depends on each of us. It depends on how we are doing with pain, facing and processing, and communication in our Ms. I think there is a time to try to redirect your mind for everyone. I can't see R working for people like LA44's example - someone who is seeking out an audience for their pain everyday in every way. That person is living FOR the pain, and I want to live for ME.

I struggle with this a great deal, but that's where my mind is on the matter at the present moment.

And ask for help. I just wrote a letter about my present pain and instead of wording it as an attack, I found it was coming out as a plea for help. And my H is stepping up. His face is different when he knows he can DO something for me instead of just focusing on him being the SOURCE of all my pain.

Who knows, next week I may take all that back, but it's sorta kinda working for me now.


me, BW: 33
FWH: 34
Dday: feb 11, 2013
Dday #2: may 6, 2013
LT PA and EA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 2 and 5
Reconciling

Posts: 375 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....and blake, don't get me wrong. I can focus too long on a trigger too.

Bionic's example of, "he told her she was beautiful too." Yes. I think this too (but then I saw her..lol). But seriously, I go. Okay. He said that and a whole lot more. WHERE IS HE NOW? Where are WE now?

I visualize pulling myself (cane around neck!) back into the moment at hand so I don't get lost or spend a sig amount of time in a trigger.


I can't see R working for people like LA44's example - someone who is seeking out an audience for their pain everyday in every way. That person is living FOR the pain, and I want to live for ME.

and

And ask for help. I just wrote a letter about my present pain and instead of wording it as an attack, I found it was coming out as a plea for help. And my H is stepping up. His face is different when he knows he can DO something for me instead of just focusing on him being the SOURCE of all my pain.

Eachday, you have grown so much from when you first came on to SI. I am very happy to see you moving forward in such a positive way.

Blake, I am very glad we have you to post often and get us all thinking. Thank you.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2102 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
SpotlessMind
♀ Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting this, Blake. I'm struggling with these kinds if things, too.

I know my DDay is still pretty fresh, and I need to experience all The Feels, painful or not. Even my IC (our first meeting) noted that I might be trying to "speed past" the grief and loss. I understand why it's important to let myself experience these emotions fully to heal.

On the other hand, does pain shopping really help me heal? When something triggers me and I start digging, is the digging helping? Or just adding more ammo to what already seems to be an endless supply of pain? I'm no longer finding anything new, in terms of women or sex partners. So is reading that callous chat between WH and a friend, or worse, bt WH and an online dating site "friend" really going to help?

Yesterday, when I felt the urge to dig, I took some deep breathes, then asked WH to please delete any convos or chats from the past that might be traumatic for me. I feel like this is progress...but then I wonder also if it's a way for me to "speed past."

I just know that if I focus on the bad too much, the bad is all I will see.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LA44.

You're welcome SpotlessMind....for the record, I did not have the ability to consider much of anything of "bigger value" than just getting through each day from my DD till about 5 months out. My wife lied, took her A underground after my first DD, trickle truthed and had a long fog period, and was slow to repent and find remorse. I pray youronths up till now were better than mine. I applaud your ability to get in touch and even post on this string..... It bodes well for your future and reflects some strong character traits.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 8

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.