I recently found out that my husband has had at least one affair lasting 6 months. This was 7 years ago.
I found this on an unguarded I Pad where most recent emails had been deleted. At the same time I found an email to an escort agency request for "room service" to his hotel room for an escort. And other 7 year old emails to another women asking if she had enjoyed her night the night before. I have five and 8 year old daughters. 7 years ago, at the time of the emails we where trying to conceive our 2nd daughter.
The reason I was looking through his email was I recently discovered a condom in his pocket after he had a "boys night" in Thailand. Confronted he said he had a massage with a "Happy Ending". We argued, cried and agreed that we had much to work on in our marriage - but that our marriage could get stronger from here.
We were doing better - talking more - and then I found the other emails - about three months ago.
We have had many sessions of talking / crying / yelling. He says he loves me and he is sorry for the hurt. He said he does not want our marriage to end.
He confessed he has used "massage services" over the years . We had young kids and our sex life was almost non-exsistant. He never seemed interested - or was happy to go out and get drunk and come home late. The next day he would be hung over and I mostly tipped toed around his hangover. He had very little to do with our kids when they where young - but he was the bread winner and I loved my role as main carer so I didnt take issue with this ( at the time). Looking back now - between his busy work travel schedule and his social life there are a few years missing.
In between we have had wonderful family holidays - but he would always manage to grab alone time - which I put down to needing space from our young girls.
He has promised to never be unfaithful again. He said he only had the one affair - and numerous massages.
The thing is - my trust has gone. He is away for up to 3 months of the year. I have no visibility of phone / bank records. He does not have facebook or any other electronic/ online "life" that I know of. His phone and PC are password locked. I could never get access.
I explained that I have to review all past credit card / bank account statements. I don't even know how many credit cards he has. He is currently away - and I am not looking forward to his return and what may be uncovered.
Part of me somehow thinks that I should let go of this past - and work together to start again without digging up the old crap. The other part of me is obsessed to know "what I dont know".
I am besides myself, obsessed and irrational. One minute I am moving out - which means leaving the country we are living in taking my girls out of their school and away from their dad. The next minute I think we can do this as a team - I am strong enough to get through it. We are a great team and have achieved many things together. I want him - then I dont want him. I love him and then I hate him. But I always desperately want him to want me.
I grieve for the lost years. I am embarrassed and feel stupid. I feel extremely unattractive. A failure. I have told no-one of our problem. This is the first time I have attempted to put some order to it.
As I am not strong enough to share with friends I look to the forum for support and wisdom.
Thanks for reading....
[This message edited by forgivingnow at 10:27 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]
It does happen to supermodels - anyone can be a victim. Don't blame yourself. Do take one day at a time as mentioned. No decisions need to be made.
To Howie - It is for some reason reassuring to hear someone, especially a man, to call him a rat. Though, I guess this the main reason I haven't told anyone. I cant think of one person I know that would support me in considering to work through this with him.
He has always been the emotionally distant one. I thought/think I can make up for that as I am a loving / caring / giving person. But deep down I know that the betrayals are more numerous than the ones I have found evidence of. They would have continued without the catalyst on me finding the condom.
Taking one day at a time - but the past 24 hours have been my worst in a while. I cried the whole way driving my girls to school. I am crying now. He is overseas. I am alone to deal with my emotions. My mind is working overtime looking at the past.
Howie asked where do I want to be one year from now. I am struggling to work out what to make for dinner and how to get me and my girls through the next day.
Thanks all for the support.
So far .... our discussions have revealed that he spent time over years with prostitutes. I have asked to see all our financial records - and he said he would rather we had spoken to IC first.
I have told him nothing less than 100% truth will keep me - he cried and said with 100% truth he knows I will leave him.
He has had one IC session and I have also with the same councillor - who would then be our MC. The councillor has asked for one more session IC for each of us, before moving to MC.
Apart from posting here - My IC was the first time I have discussed this with anyone. The IC appointment was yesterday and today I feel 1 million emotions. I feel I am moving more towards leaving...... but I want to make sure this is the right decision.
WS has been far more attuned to family life and really made an effort over the past weeks. He is almost always home ... and before he was very "busy" with evening work commitments.
When I play it through my mind I question myself. Who am I to take this..and stand by when I was (unknowingly) treated so poorly. What kind of person am I?
The other side is the hope that we can move on from this. We can rebuild and be successful as a team.
My IC asked "Where do you want to be in 3 months?". My answer was "I have NO idea". IC wanted to know how I wanted to progress and suggested a few options. I explained full disclosure was not an option. Anything less was a deal breaker.
Put simply. I am 44 with two beautiful daughters living in a foreign country and I have no idea what my life will look like this time next year.
Arrrgggghhhhh the pain ...the anger..the uncertainty.
Strength to all.....x
It's so sad when they do things that they know can cause the end of their M and only really realize it after the damage is done. However he has been making incredibly selfish decisions at every step, from when your children were young to now, and clearly felt entitled to do so and to hide everything from you, so I would try to not be too convinced by the tears. He may just be sorry he's caught. He certainly has never treated you as respectfully as you deserved and has not been an equal, giving partner.
I do think the question of who you are that you tolerated this is a good one. I don't say that to be mean--it's something I asked of myself too, and was very painful to face. But afterall, you deserve better, and there must be a reason you didn't demand better. I recommend looking at some articles on setting boundaries at www.baggagereclaim.co.uk. It's also a good question to explore with your IC. You can change your expectations--it is not too late. Habits are hard to adjust but you can stop being such a 'good wife' type and start expecting more from the person you are with.
As a male myself, your husband sounds like a complete sleazeball. No one goes to Thailand with condoms in his pocket only for a "happy ending". HE IS LYING TO YOU. You need to find out the truth and it doesn't sound like he will easily give it to you.
Here are some tips
1) Do you have access to his iPad or phone? If not then when he steps into the shower next, wipe the front face clean and free of marks. Then wait until he picks it up and types in his PIN. Then look at it closely under the light. You should be able to see which numbers he touched. This will help narrow it down.
2) Is there a shared computer in the house? If so buy keylogger software and install it. Then on a day when you know he will be home, take the kids and leave him alone. He will then logon to the computer. look for any secret email accounts. With the keylogger you can get the passwords and see what he is up to
3) At the same time as #2 above, buy a good VAR and hide it in the place where he makes his phone calls (car, home office, etc). You will see if he is talking to anyone else
4) I would stop the MC until he is truly remorseful. IC for yourself however is a good idea.
5) Run a credit check on him. You will see what other credit cards that he has.
Don't Expose until you gather enough information on him. I'm 99% sure that he probably has an affair ongoing now and just is good at hiding it from you. If you have the money, then consider having a PI tail him when he gets out of the country on his next 'business trip'.
So sorry you are here.
very gently... you only have the tip of the iceberg, and it's a really big one, think Titanic.
Why have a condom for a "happy ending"? In plain words, he was masturbated by a prostitute, why cover up? Doesn't make sense, and from what I've learned, if something doesn't make sense it's because it's a lie.
There are red flags all over your posts, I'm so sorry.
The fact that he basically has stated that you'll leave him if you see the bank account records and the telephone account records says there is just so much more. He's desperately trying to hide it, but there's a reason you've never been able to see what's on his phone or what he's spending money on.
Forget MC, what a waste of time... without knowing the truth about the events of your marriage, why waste time and good money on MC.
Practice the 180 honey, detach, detach, detach... demand you get access to everything now, today, and refuse any further communication with him until you do.
Take it from someone who's lived it for years and years, without the truth, there's no happy ending for anyone.
Hugs, lots of hugs.
[This message edited by hard_yards at 12:05 PM, February 21st (Friday)]
Hard Yards and Kalimata thank you for pushing me and saying the ugly truth.
So my pitiful update...
After my IC session is was sad/emotionally devastated for 48 hours. Then I started getting angry. I read the posts above and started thinking about other events that had given me concern.
My husband PC and phone would never be assessable to me without him logging me in - he wiped his Ipad remotely the moment he saw that I had found old emails.
So on Saturday night I demanded his phone. I told him I believed there was more to the story and more recents events .... I stood my ground. He yelled and said he was worried about my state of mind...and that he was entitled to privacy blah blah blah. Eventually he handed over the phone and I sat in the same room and just started reading through emails etc....then he stormed over and said that he wasn't having this blah blah. And took the phone back...I left the room for a few minutes and gathered myself and came back in and explained that he either hand over the phone or he can forget any chance out of the very slim chance we have for R. He handed the phone over.
I found emails between him and another women - at the very least an EA. He has had loads of opportunity to make it a PA. He claims just supporting a friend in a bad situation and not consciously doing anything to harm our marriage. Gutted.
He arranges an emergency MC visit for Monday (yesterday) - apart from that hour in session I have not said more than 4 words to him. He cried a lot during the session ..... but we had one hour for 8 years of shite ...so not much achieved.
So I guess I am at DD3. I guess if I want to I can keep digging and maybe hold a SI record for the highest total of DD's.
I want to know everything ..... for me. I want to understand how I let this happen...how I ignored what must have been so very obvious. I will start with the bank records....tomorrow.
I bought myself flowers and had lunch in the spring sunshine - no tears in front of my daughters for many days. Though my marriage is crap .... life is good.
It doesn't feel like it right now but, you are going to be ok. You don't have to make a big decision right now. Let your emotions calm down. It will be a while before you will be able to see clearly. Enjoy your flowers and your girls!
He is definitely doing something shady. He probably has multiple email accounts and is obviously tech savvy. So you probably only saw ONE of the affairs he had ongoing.
Don't assume that the affair you saw via email was only emotional. He has been doing this for a while and has become a pro. He has likely taken this physical and you need to come to terms with this fact.
I would throw this lying piece of shit out on the curb. Before I did this however, I would gather evidence. Then I would expose him to the entire world so that everyone knows how much of a slime ball he is. Read the healing library on how to expose.
Then go see yourself a lawyer and learn your rights. You need to prepare D papers and serve him. You can always withdraw the D later if he shows enough remorse.
I would stop the marital counseling until he shows true remorse and all the secrets he has hidden in his iPad have been fully divulged.
As for passwords, I would not reconcile w/ my ws if he didn't give me complete access to personal emails, phones etc. I can't access his work email, but that's the way it is. I feel for you and I"m getting angry over your situation. It's so hard to see someone else go through it. Hang in there.
You can't do MC while he's obviously still hiding things. Only thing you can do is show him the consequences. And that is show him you're done and seeing an attorney. And you are filing for divorce. Then sit back and give him your boundaries. As long as he's hiding things, this is the path. There is so much more here you don't know about. He's not the man you thought you married.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
Keep buying yourself flowers and enjoying your girls. Keep firm. Show him consequences (via a lawyer) and trust your gut, always, no matter how much he worries about your 'state of mind' or about his 'privacy' or gets angry--he is a blameshifting, non-remorseful POS right now and his word means NOTHING while yours has integrity. Don't ever doubt yourself!
You are an incredible, beautiful, strong woman and you are going to get through this!
My ex swore on his own mother's life, the woman he adored and who adored him back, that he "wasn't cheating." Yes, the same mother who was still bouncing back from her first bout of cancer and who had just received news that the cancer was back.
Yeah, THAT mother.
Cheaters have very little morals, Balaclava. They'll lie and deceive and manipulate and scam you and pull any number of sleazy little tricks to keep their neck out of the noose.
The sex trade in Thailand is notorious. If your husband was supposedly just looking for a 'happy ending,' he could have patronized any number of the massage parlors he's apparently already gone to that could provide him with that (and they've probably provided him with a lot MORE than that). He's a fool if he thinks anyone with an IQ over 26 believes his ridiculous story about having condoms purely for the purpose of getting a hand job in some Thai massage parlor.
The guy's a serial cheater and has been at it for years and years.
Your first order of business is a full scale STD screening because God KNOWS what he's brought home to you. And he needs to go for his own full-scale screening and bring the results home to YOU because he's a liar and wouldn't know the truth if it kicked him in the ass.
That should be your absolute FIRST deal-breaker requirement from him.
As the other posters have said, be prepared as you've only seen the very tiny tip of the iceburg. This guy has been cheating on you for years and years. He's got his own little side life going that you were completely unaware of, and unless you have stone cold evidence in your hand of all the things he's really done, you're not going to get any truth from him.
He's clearly not remorseful because he's been doing this for years and obviously always felt he was 'deserving' of his side entertainment. He's done it for years, so why would he suddenly feel remorse? He's only sorry he got caught.
Balaclava, believe him when he says he doesn't want you to know the 100% truth because you'll leave him. And he would deserve it.