Not really sure what I hope to accomplish with this post, I just need to vent I guess.
Since dday 5/26/13 I have definitely gone through a roller coaster of emotions. I definitely didn't think I'd be ok by now (nor did my WH) but I wasn't expecting to feel worse as time went on. I am back to having that "pit" in my stomach and I can't focus on anything for more than 5 minutes without the thoughts intruding.
PA season started 12/27 and 1/12 was the "anniversary" of the 2nd time they had sex (at her house). Since Sunday I have been a mess. I cannot stop thinking about it. When I say it, I mean EVERYTHING. The majority of my day is spent thinking about one aspect of the A or another; whether it's the sex, the EA/sexting they did before, that they thought they were in love, WH's lack of effort in digging into his own issues, or just the OW in general.
Today I woke up composing letters to OW in my head. They aren't really mean/nasty but I am filled with so much rage for her. WH still works with her and we didn't out the A to her BBF because I was honestly afraid of what she would do. I don't care about myself, I'm a big girl and can handle it but we can't afford for WH to lose his job and I don't want to bring crazy down on my family. I still find myself stalking her FB page (I blocked her private page but she has a public "photography" page I can't block) and her website because I feel the need to check up on her in order to feel "safe". Every now and then she posts some shit that I know is a passive-agressive stab at me or WH and it just fuels the rage. You see, she doesn't think she did anything wrong. She actually threatened me not to contact her after I texted her (very politely) to tell her what I thought of what her and WH did.
Anyway, this part is getting long. We know WH needs a new job but it isn't happening yet and I HAVE no idea how to get to a place where I don't want to destroy her for her part in what they did and resent her for not having any real consequences for her actions other then losing her BFF (WH).
I'm also feeling much worse about the nature of the betrayal. It sets in more every day how little my WH thought of me or what his actions would do to me. We were going through IVF and had multiple miscarriages when the EA/sexting was going on. It's like he didn't see me as a person at all! DS was only 7 months old when the PA started. He said he had started pulling away in Sep when he was feeling overwhelmed, neglected and disconnected from me. Then in Nov he realized he had "feelings" for OW and it's like all thoughts of me vanished. I became a complete non-entity.
I recently posted about asking more details, but really want I want is a better picture of what he was thinking, where his mind was and how he thinks he got to be the type of person who could do something so horrible.
If you've read this far God bless you...I'm a jumbled mess. I probably should have journaled this but figured I'd post here. I'm so overwhelmed right now and am not sure how to get myself out of it. My heart is just completely broken.