I tried to argue at first, "how could our marriage be horrible for 10 years, I was there and there was a lot of good" he didn't want to hear it, I was wrong wrong wrong. Then I started not arguing and just saying,"that's not how I remember it" or "I disagree with what you are saying" and leave it alone. And ultimately I 180'd without knowing what it was, I just pretty much detached emotionally b/c I couldn't take it anymore. He'd want to explain something crazy and I'd just say I wasn't interested in hearing his version.
And finally I had to leave b/c the fog was so great, he couldn't see anything real. It was like he was trapped in this fog where he had to cling to the image of me that was horrible, that our marriage was horrible or face the truth which was almost to painful to face. He'd have to admit he did a really shitty thing that wasn't justified in any way and he'd have to start answering all those questions WS struggle with, does having an A make me a bad person? what kind of person does this, who am I? etc etc. He didn't want to open that up. So I left for a few weeks and he finally called and was much less foggy. He admitted that I wasn't as bad as he'd said, that our marriage had good parts and that he'd done something wrong. That was the start.
later he told me he would have never changed if I hadn't left, he felt like I was wrong, I deserved everything I was getting and he wouldn't have changed b/c he never thought I leave.
Then several months after that it really started to fade,he actually would revisit the tings he'd said and tell me how he couldn't believe he felt that way. It seriously is like a fog for the WS too, they are so engulfed in lies and justifications they can't remember what's true anymore.
That all being said, our marriage had serious problems, I had horrible communication skills and I wasn't responsive to his concerns. That was totally wrong on my part, he was doing things ( besides A's ) that weren't helping our marriage so it was both of us making our marriage bad not just me. But ultimately having sex with someone wasn't a way to fix our marriage, so that argument isn't logical. Yes I contributed to him being sad and I can work hard to work on those issues now, to listen now, to talk about stuff now. Thats how I can validate his real concerns about our marriage but him having an because I made him, isn't an argument I'll have, that is squarely on his shoulders. If you listen to your wife's concerns about the marriage prior to the A and you see some validity to her concerns, address them with her, take them seriously b/c they are issues in the marriage but as soon as she starts down the path of "and that's when you drove me to an A..." no. That is where her full responsibilty starts and she's going to need to deal with that. Don't argue or get mad,just reinforce that choosing to have an A was her choice alone, you'll work on the marriage issues but that's all you can do and should do.
Sorry that was long.
The fog is tricky, just stick to the truth, stand behind the reality and don't get sucked into her foggy ideas hopefully that will be a beacon for her to come out and work thru true R with you.
I bring up that I know he was cheating, and he doesn't say anything or reply. I'm crying my eyes out in front of him, and nothing. Then he brings up how all the years together that I made him feel like a 2nd class citizen and that I hurt him, etc. Yes, I admit to the times I pushed him to get a normal job, pointed out how I paid for everything, etc. But I was frustrated that he was unmotivated and I was being the responsible one.
I'm guessing this is his fog to me. I feel him hoovering me back in (ugh). But I'm trying to tell myself that a) I didn't deserve to be cheated on anyway, and b) he's still not admitting to any cheating despite evidence.
Amazing stuff. Good luck figuring it out.