The PA started while I was hospitalized on bed rest while pregnant with our second child and continued until something came over me to check the cellphone records. One of my biggest issues is that while I was hospitalized alone for weeks and then sitting vigil by my baby's bedside for 3 months as he was fighting for his life my H chose this as the time to move forward to a PA with the OW. I've tried to explain the pain I feel that when I needed him the most he wasn't there for me. The feelings of abandonment are so strong and I think that has slowed down the recovery for me while he just wants to move forward like it never happened.
Right after discovery, there was quite a bit of blame directed at me and he went through a period of protecting her. Then I dealt with the "when are you going to quit dwelling on this" "how long is it going to take you to get over this" etc. My response has always been "I don't recall getting a manual on this and unless you have some magic manual that will make this go away, you can't put a timeline on my healing". I will say he is much better at being there for me now than he was in the beginning. Our relationship is warm and I want to get over the last few hurdles to make it flaming.
Triggers- although these aren't as bad as they used to be I still experience them from time to time. Based on his past reactions I tend to be hesitant to let him know when I start triggering but it becomes obvious.
Bkg on OW - she was a coworker for almost 5 years. They didn't become friends until about 2 years into working together. At some point in their friendship and before the A she told him her H caught her buying a plane ticket to go meet an XBF. She ended up not going but was planning the trip so that tells me she was on the hunt. She started sharing details of her marriage with my H and he started doing the same. The relationship continued to escalate. In the months leading up to the PA she tried to be my friend and we had dinner with her and her H a few times. She was trying hard to get him to leave me and be with her. Bottom line: this is a chronic issue for her and seems to be genetic since she told him her sister has also been doing the same thing.
I know I should not waste one brain cell on this whore, but from time to time I can't get her off my mind. I go through thoughts of getting back at her in some way. Logically, I know it's not going to solve anything. How do you get over the rage and hate for the OW? I think once I get past my rage toward her I can continue moving forward, but I don't know how. I know this is key to me moving forward.
This is the worst thing I have written, but my mind is all over the place.
I wish you strength, I am sorry you are here. But welcome!!!
I'm not certain if this is due to the fear of mortality, and wanting a distraction, or a distraction to worrying about the issue at hand, or if these men are resentful because they don't want to deal with all of these bad feelings, and instead go find a way to 'have fun'. After all, they deserve it, right?
I truly believe the answer is one of these, or perhaps a mix of these. I know this - it takes a real class act to cheat while the WS's baby in in NICU.
In this post, I reference men. That is because, in my experience, it is always the man in these types of situations. I'm sure there are a few examples of women cheating in times of crisis, but it seems to happen almost always with men. They run from the issue, whatever it is.
I am sorry you are here, but glad you posted. This is all really new for you, especially if the last TT was just a few months ago. I think it is expected to be scattered-brained, you just had a major trauma happen to you.
Are they NC? If not, read about NC lettters in the Healing Library.
Are both of you able to do IC and MC? I think WH needs to get and read the book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". It seems like he is rugsweeping and wants to move on. Unfortunately, you will never get over it until you understand why and how.
As for rage in regards to the OW, write a lot of letters but don't send them. That rage will start turning to WH, as he was the one that needed to say NO and be with you. I was just recently able to "let go" of the COW. It takes time.
Hang in there an keep posting!
As far as NC, that was in place before he finished dropping the bomb and I witnessed the text where he told her it was done and not to contact him again. A month or so later, I asked that he write a letter to me and a letter to her (the text wasn't sufficient, but the letter was never mailed). Those letters were a turning point when I knew I was ready to start the R process.
He tells me where we are now is the happiest he's been in years. I just wished I could enjoy those feelings as well.
topic : my first post .......unsure where to start
May I ask about your WH OP being a co-worker? Is that still the case. I find it so hard to stop thinking about OP as my WH is still working in the same office as her. It took about 5 months for WH to accept that he needed to find another job and it has helped now that he is seriously looking for a different job.
Is this something you've considered. Would your WH be willing to move jobs? I've read in many articles and in posts here that it's an absolute requirement for reconciliation.
So so sorry that you've had all this to deal with, whist dealing with a poorly baby. You must be incredibly strong even if you don't feel you are.
I also should mention that she left her husband and has since divorced him, but she moved to an apartment about 1 mile from my H office.