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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: boundaries for both BS and WS
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should text her, "Listen, just stick to making our money grow so we can retire comfortably and stop texting my husband!"

Just kidding, I'm not going to do that(yet), but I am going to talk to my H tonight.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37563 | Registered: Sep 2007
2yrsblind
♂ Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trusting, to me mean not having to remind about boundaries.

Example, my sister and husband own a gentlemens club, I guess its about as classy as one of those places can be. From time to time I would fill in for them. My wife, then gf voiced she was uncomfortable with me being there. Ok boundary set. I haven't set foot in that club in 8 years. Not because she has to remind me, but because she trust me not to.

If you truly trust then you would trust him to handle it. I get telling him about the discomfort, now trust that he will handle it.

I'm not trying to put you in a box, no two relationships are the same. I spent two years choosing to trust, I would rather trust because I have no reason not to.

[This message edited by 2yrsblind at 6:05 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2yrsblind,

Whatever works .

I just know that I spent a lot of years holding in feelings and that never worked for me/us. Each time one of us opens up about something that makes us uncomfortable, it leads to more closeness and better communication tools for the future.

I'd hate to waste all the money we spent for years in IC/MC to not use those tools


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37563 | Registered: Sep 2007
2yrsblind
♂ Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Communication is awesome, when your comfortable enough to express your feelings and thoughts. It was a lack of that which actually lead to the end of my first marriage. She wasn't so I didn't, chicken or egg? I chose to withdraw she chose another man. After finding out, I spent a year with boundaries and control. I became a monster a departure from my natural state. I didn't like the man looking at me in the mirror.

Slight T/J

I have the upmost respect for people like you. When my wife and I started dating she asked me about my ex, the relationship and my regrets. I paused and thought about (first instinct was to lie) I then told her "I've loved that woman everyday since I was 15 years old. My love for her has changed, but its there. My only regret is I didn't have the balls to forgive her" she then asked do I wish I was still with her. "No, that time has passed, I do wish I could have made an honest effort to make it work. I don't know if we could, I do regret not really trying". She said WOW, not what I expected. Later she told me it was that moment she knew I was her "THE ONE"

I failed and it bugs me, even worse I quit. So I commend you, your husband and others like you.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see it as you being a *F*WS blameshifter, I see it as you seeing her behavior for what it is

agreed


Each time one of us opens up about something that makes us uncomfortable, it leads to more closeness and better communication tools for the future.

tactful: "your dd is lovely, although I don't see the reason for sharing pictures of her with me as it has nothing to do with my financial planning. We keep our personal life and business dealings separate, please do the same when dealing with our account/money."

blunt: "stop texting me unless it's concerning my account/money. I find it unnecessary and very unprofessional."


I'm sure the two of you will deal with this with grace and tact... or bluntness and a 2x4.. either way, you'll deal with it together, and that's what's important.

[This message edited by unfound at 10:18 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14844 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For some reason this post stuck with me overnight and so I decided to comment. I think this woman's boundaries suck (the treadmill thing!!) and you guys have every right in the world to put it straight. She is not your friend, you are her clients.

Do this: "I should text her, "Listen, just stick to making our money grow so we can retire comfortably and stop texting my husband!""

Or even better have H send it. If it hurts her feelings? Oh well. Not your problem. She's stepping out of line and it's not ok with you guys. Let her know that.

BTW, you guys are awesome and inspiring. :)


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, thanks for taking the time to respond.

I talked to H this morning. I told him that I read the text exchange between him and X. I told him that I thought it was inappropriate and that it felt like bad boundaries and asked him if the next time she texts him something personal would he please ignore. He said absolutely.

I said if she doesn't get the message after you ignore the personal stuff a couple of times, then we're going to have to say something to her. He said okay.

I like the responses that you guys came up with and I hope I don't, but I might have to use one of those. We'll see what happens.

I just want to say how freeing it is to be able to speak my truth to my H. I didn't know how to use my voice for a lot of years. This is so much better .

Thanks so much for helping me work through this.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37563 | Registered: Sep 2007
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice work, AN. I totally agree with how you are feeling about it and how you handled it.

It's interesting, because my stockbroker deals with me on one account and my FWH on another. He has texted me pics a couple of time of him on bike rides (he took up cycling recently). Once it had his kids in it. We've known him and his wife and kids for years. We were friendly before we hired him. But I've never responded to a picture, ever, and always shared with my spouse. It's just...a little bit off.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6428 | Registered: Jan 2011
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Rebreather. My gut is telling me that she's just really friendly and a schmoozer and it's nothing. One time when we first started working with her she was on speaker phone working with both of us and it was a two hourlong phone call because she talks so much. But like you said, it just feels off. And I want to be a unified front and not allow her to think that texting just H pics of her daughter and chatting him up is okay.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37563 | Registered: Sep 2007
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

two hourlong phone call because she talks so much
OMG, she's totally a female Dan.

I like boundaries. Boundaries smell nice and feel nice. I liked enforcing this boundary; whether I am the wayward or not. Protecting my integrity and my marriage are my top priority.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6428 | Registered: Jan 2011
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way. Enforcing boundaries is empowering.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37563 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 31
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