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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: revenge feelings
nick1234
♂ Member
Member # 41946
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know if this is normal or not but sometimes I feel that I want to have an affair out of revenge. When it comes down to it I dont want to be with any other person. But some times I feel like I should so she knows how it feels. It not logical it would only make thing worse. Also doing out of revenge would not be the same as the real thing it wouldn't hurt as much. Also I love my WW and only want to be with her I dont think I could ever really go through with it. Such contradictory feeling it so strange. Has anyone else felt this way.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NY
1owner
♂ Member
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thoughts like that crossed my mind in the aftermath of dday. I think it was a knee jerk reaction to having the infidelity bomb dropped on me. I would never have gone through with it.

Posts: 195 | Registered: Oct 2013
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to have an affair. But i do regularly consider doing all that Carrie Underwood mentions in her song, though...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't sound like you want an affair, but more like you want her to feel what you feel. Can't happen, ever.

As you stated, it wouldn't be the same. They would ALWAYS think "my BS cheated because I did". That blindsided sheer shock would not be there. All the 'why's wouldnt be there.

Don't bother with it. It'll get you no where, and do you really want to be on that level?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
trying1
♀ Member
Member # 40954
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought about it. I had a former boyfriend who married about the same time we did and we remained friends. Then about three years ago, my H demanded that I stop communicating with him, because he read and email he felt was too flirty. (while my wh was in the 3 year A ). I had not taken the email the same way, but didn't want him to feel insecure, so I stopped e-mailing explained to my friend (who graciously understood), and blocked him from my FB.

Every now and then, I want to unblock him, and talk. BUT then I think better of it. I want to R. and have my family whole. Its just not the right thing....but sometimes I think about it.


Me: 40 (BS)
Him:37 (FWH)
Married:11 years
4 kids
DDay 7/27/13
LTA: 3 years

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2013
nick1234
♂ Member
Member # 41946
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I dont want to have an affair your right I just want her to feel like I'd! But it would only make thing worse and I dont think I could ever go through with it. In fact to be perfectly honest the other night I had a rage fit and had to get out of the house for a while. So I went to a bar drinking. I know it stupid alcohol never helps things. I was texting my WW at first telling how mad I was and stuff like that. This girl sitting next to me asked who I keep texting and I said my wife. So she replied I'm sorry I won't bother y. Then I said dont worry about it my wife has been seeing another man. So we talked for a while until her friend showed up . They told me everything I wanted to hear like how cute I was and shit like that. Then the said they wanted to take me home for a three some! So I got in the car with them, by this time I was very drunk and my thinking was I will show WW ill have sex with two women. As we drove away i couldnt stop thinking of my wife. So I had her drop me off at the corner by my house and I went home. I told my wife about it as well I dont want to keep secrets. As drunk as I was and as much rage and resentment I had towards her I couldnt do it although I came closer than I'm comfortable with but I love my wife and only want to be with her. Also I have decided whe I have rage fits I will stay home or go for a walk NO BARS! Im not proud of it and it sound even worse as I type it. Any thought on this.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NY
nick1234
♂ Member
Member # 41946
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also why wife took I fairly well. She said she was a hurt but she has no room to talk or feel hurt after what she did. This is not true she has every right to be hurt. There was something else I wanted to add as well but can't remember now?

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NY
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eh, don't worry about it. I'm curious - what did your WW say when you told her?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
nick1234
♂ Member
Member # 41946
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shevdidnt say anything at first. But then I said something to her I ss I'd dont you have question, concerns anything. I told her she can't keep it in and we should talk about it. She said she was hurt but she doesn't feel like she has the right to after what she did. She said maybe she deserved it . Which non of that I true no one deserves it.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NY
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had those revenge feelings, particularly because I felt it would take that level of shock value for my wayward spouse to get it.
I did not follow through.
Take the high road, you are more valuable than resorting to revenge.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 608 | Registered: Jul 2012
lostinthesouth
♀ Member
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@nick1234--Its crossed my mind on more than a few occasions. But unlike our WS we have a moral compass, character, and integrity. I must still love my H bc no matter how difficult this road is--I wouldn't do to him what was done to me knowing how bad it hurts and even then, a ra wouldn't hurt nearly as bad

Posts: 103 | Registered: Nov 2013
Hurtbetrayed
♀ New Member
Member # 42027
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was totally having these feelings the other day. I was determined to go through with it and go out and find, meet talk whatever it took to start something with someone. Even a one night stand.

Then I realized I'm to much of a woman to stoop down to the devils ways. I'm better than this and I don't need to do this because I'm the strong one here DEALING with all of this and staying with someone who betrayed me and hurt me.

I'm way better than these thoughts and just like that I overcame them.

It's not easy just sitting there being hurt of course we will be tempted with evil ways, but this is where we prove we are much stronger and cleaner than our cheating spouse.


Me: 34
Him: 35

Kids- 2 ours
3 from previous relationship (who he adopted)

DDay- Dec.9-10

Married- 6 years


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've often pondered on the idea and did drum up an old friend from years ago. It could've happened but I didn't let it.

I've often fantasized about waiting a few years down the road and having a smoking affair like the one my wife had. That way it would have more effect.

I do realize that I don't want to be with anyone else but my wife. Like others though I want my wife to feel the pain she has caused. I want the full montie! I want her to see the pics, texts and emails, all the I love you's, we're soul mates, How my marriage is all wrong.


I feel that her decision has made me into an extremely angry and bitter person. I'm working on it though.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
ďYet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a swordĒ

Posts: 589 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Newme123
♀ Member
Member # 41119
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely normal. I even went as far as telling my wh exactly which one of his friends I wanted to have the revenge affair with! I know horrible. He would go baserk when I'd say this and I'd tell him, you got to have 5, I'm only asking for 1. I was pretty out of control in the beginning. I'm 15 months out now and I'm so glad my wh never said ok and that I didn't do it. I feel like I became some other human being the past year. I said and did things I would have never dreamt doing. It's just one side effect of infidelity.


Me-BS 33, him-WH 31
Dday 10-30-12 the day before Halloween
Married 10 yrs
DS-14, DD-9, DS-2, DD-5m
Currently trying to R

Posts: 74 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
nick1234
♂ Member
Member # 41946
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It so weird to have theses feelings. Before all this I couldnt imagine hurting my wife in any way. Even the thought of her crying would make me sad. Now I have theses new feeling of wanting to make her hurt. I guess I see her in a different way now.
Well were on the topic of revenge do any of you want to seek revenge on the OP? I know my wife has a big part in this but this guy new our family. The way I see it he had absolutely no respect for me or my family and I have a huge problem with that! There is more I want to add to this but I have to go to work. Will post more later.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NY
nick1234
♂ Member
Member # 41946
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to try and finish this post with The Voice Command on my phone. I hope it turns out right!as I said this guy knew me my wife and our kids he still did this with no regard towards me or what this would do to my family and kids.I'm going to tell his wife and I've been thinking about telling his boss because he was doing all this well at work. He is a police officer thatthat would spend the time he was supposed to be patrolling texting my wife driving by my house sitting in my drivewayin meeting up with my wife all well he was on duty. I'm pretty sure that's not what they meant by protact and serve!in fact my wife called it off because he was getting creepy. He would sit and wait for her to get out of work, he would drive by the house many times and night and text my wife and say he can see her sitting in the same spot every night. He would sit in my driveway and keep texting her to come out and see himwhen she would say no he would keep texting her until she would say she was going to bed and couldn't come out. So with that said I may look into harassment in a restraining order and anything else to fuck up this guys life. It may not be the right thing to do and perhaps it makes me a bad person but I don't care. I have always been a person that believes in an eye for an eye.
now my wife doesn't want me to seek revenge because she says she doesn't want if the cause more problems for us right now. She wants us to just work on us can try and get past this but this thing is I don't know if I can if I just sit back and let this guy go on with his life like nothing happened.my wife should have known from a start that I would never just walk away from thisand let him just go on with his life.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NY
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the guy is a cop, he's misusing his position. Reporting him isn't revenge - it's protecting people from him.

If the guy is married, outing his A isn't revenge - it's protecting his W.

It's not easy to do, but you should do it.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
nick1234
♂ Member
Member # 41946
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sisoon I know that it protecting his wife and other people but I donít care about that it all about messing up his life thatís why I call it revenge. Iím not doing because it the right thing to do or because Iím a good person it purely selfish reasons. Maybe that doesnít make me any better than my WW or him because I will do this even if it hurts his family like it hurt mine.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NY
nick1234
♂ Member
Member # 41946
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have reported the incident to the chief of police but Iím afraid it might just get swept under the rug. I have sent the chief two emails with no response I didnít give the police officers name because I donít want them to talk to him before I can see what action will be taken. If I donít hear from the chief in a few days I will have to go down there and talk to him in person which will suck! Itís going to take a lot of balls to walk in to the cop shop and talk to the chief of police about what happened but if that what I have to do then thatís what I will do!
And as far as telling his wife my WW wants me to wait until after our MC appointment tomorrow so we can talk about it with the councilor, not that it will make a difference if the councilor says I should I still will.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NY
nick1234
♂ Member
Member # 41946
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So the chief got back to me I we had a meeting and I told him everything I know my wife even can in a gave a statement of what happened even tho she didn't want to. Now she feels bad she says it not because she has feeling for him but the fact that she is partly responsible for everything and now she is turning him in and he could lose his job and how this could affect his family. My response was it was his actions and decisions that got him were he is. Also he used my wife's vulnerability and our bad situation to try and get a piece of ass (I'm not minimizing my wife part at all) but he did take advantage of her. Had no respect for me or my family or what this could do to us. Most of all he fuck with my family and no one does that and walks away. So I say fuck him he get what he deserves!

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 20

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