Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: KingHit4Six (44888)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did something stupid and paid dearly! Just knock me out w/a 2x4!
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right. I agree. I think I had reached my boiling point and was just so mad that I boiled over. It takes a lot to get me to that point. I usually just let people walk all over me.

I need to be better at not engaging.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG.


Piper is adorable!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the pics.


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6533 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'll get better with practice. I had similar problems when I had a bunch of drama with XH. Once I started standing up for myself by not engaging, I found far less drama in my life. It takes time, but I know you can do it!! Continue to vent here so that you get it out and don't boil over again.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with turtle, it gets easier to stay out of the drama with practice. I've had to learn to do it with my mother, but it started with a period of NC when she wouldn't respect my boundaries - I think you and your sister probably need some consistent distance and space for a while. Doing that will make it easier to keep your distance once you do see each other again.

I've learned to never engage my mother. She's learned that if she pushes it when I won't engage and throws a fit, I cut off communication. It's sad, but it's so much better than the drama.

((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4506 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, you have identified that you engaged inappropriately, and you've identified that you wish you hadn't.

What I'd like to see from you, is identifying where you should have acted differently, and what you wish you had done instead of what you did.

If you had a do-over in this scenario, where would you change your behavior? Hang up on her when she starts talking about your friend? Say, "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, but unless there's something urgent about Piper, I need to go"? Not call her? Not let her see Piper? Consider each aspect of this interaction given what you knew at that moment.

Going through the mental exercise of what you SHOULD or COULD have done differently helps begin to re-train your mind and prepare you to react BETTER next time.

Because there will be a next time. It'll probably be in about 36 hours, judging from the pattern we all see in your posts. And right now, you are primed to react in exactly the wrong way, because that's the only muscle memory your brain knows.

You were brought up on drama - your mother and sister have both been feeding you cues and pushing (and installing) buttons as long as you've been alive. FOO isn't an excuse though - a reason, maybe, or a point of clarity, but damn woman, you're hold old? 33? 34? Time to own yourself! Stop letting the habits they taught you dictate, take charge, and start to re-frame this stuff.

You can teach yourself to not react, but it takes time and it takes a LOT of effort. Bemoaning that you made a mistake is a good start, recognizing the problem, but that alone won't fix it.

So, start teaching yourself new ways - what should you have done in this situation? Start from the beginning and re-write your own role the way you wish it had been, and focus on what triggers you should have recognized instead of letting that gut reaction take over.

The more you do this, the more prepared you will be in the future.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 12:53 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13732 | Registered: Jul 2011
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent advice, Amazonia.

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read your original post twice and still cannot figure out what is going on. But I can tell you this--for someone who claims to eschew drama, there is a heaping dose of it in many aspects of your life. I believe it is time to devote some serious thought to figuring out how to eliminate it. Amazonia has given you some excellent advice, and I believe you would benefit greatly from using her suggestions.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29606 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so glad I was not the only one who had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on in this post.

however, Shelly I understand how hard it is to stop petting the drama llama. Unless and until you truly no longer want the drama, it will not stop. Drama will continue to follow you until you stop engaging with the crazy behaviors, stories, and people you have surrounded yourself with.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3578 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly,

Your responsibility begins with you and ends (to a certain age) Piper.

Anything anyone else does, says is NOT your responsibility. You need to let it go.

Have you read Codependent No More? Or The Art of Letting Go? Both of these are by Melody Beattie. Codependent No More explains codependency and ways to overcome it. Art of Letting Go has small steps broken down in a daily short meditation. Letting Go has been my constant companion on my healing journey.

Becoming less codependent is a process taken one baby step at a time. Letting Go is the lesson plan guiding those steps that help you change your thinking. I highly recommend it!

Great pics of Piperbean and mama thanks for sharing.

Hugs


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5061 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I'd like to see from you, is identifying where you should have acted differently, and what you wish you had done instead of what you did.

I would have followed my instincts and even whens he begged to have her for a full day the next day, I would have reiterated to her that *I* still have not had enough space from her and if she wishes time with my daughter she may have a couple of hours at this point and if that is not good enough, none at all. I knew that a full day would result in more drama. Deep down I knew she couldn't resist but start crap again and I should have followed my instinct. I've already told her that I need more space, blocked her from my phone and all communication and told her I obviously need more space. I've done all I can do at this point which is complete NC.

This is a MAJOR step and a MAJOR breakthrough for me and I'm proud that I'm staying strong with my convictions despite my meltdown the other day.

I know I can do this....its just gonna take time.

Right now I'm dealing with a toddler with projectile vomiting.... so I'm a little distracted anyways....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sick toddlers are the worst! Hopefully this is short and sweet. And if there is a high fever, get tested for strep, can cause vomiting in the little ones.

Hugs!


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly,
Your sister is mentally ill. You know this, you know all the ways she is ill and you know how she interacts with you and with others.

Stop. Petting. The. Drama. Llama.

Love your sister. Understand her. Stop interacting with her in any way that is not conducive to your wellness and to your daughter's wellness. Seriously. You are driving *yourself* crazy. Set your boundaries. Stick to them.

You don't have to answer when she calls. You don't have to answer her texts. You don't have to engage in any nuttiness or drama.

Gently, with a 1X2, think about what you get out of these interactions. Why do you think you do this, when you know what the result will be? Don't need to answer here -- just a question for you to ponder.

Hugs to you -- you ARE an amazing mom and a good and loyal daughter and sister.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.