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User Topic: Things I can/can't forgive
♀ Member
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think forgiveness would make me a bit of a doormat for some of the stuff. I do not accept some of the things as okay, and it isn't that I want to hold onto them or hold onto anger, but how do you forgive that level of betrayal and disloyalty and humiliation? Things that we're done on purpose and with deliberate deceit?

I don't know. Sure he is sorry now that I know, but his intent was for me to never know. And the reality is that I don't deserve to be treated so badly behind my back. I think it's crap that he did this to me.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: the inside of my head
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems like what I think I'll be capable of forgiving or at least being able to live with changes day to day. Things are still pretty fresh--2 months since I found out about an EA. 1 month since I learned it was actually also a PA. The OW was a newly acquired "friend" so the double betrayal is especially hard. Of course I'm angry and sickened about the lying, the fact that I feel replaced, the sex. And that is going to be really hard for me to overcome. But what really terrifies the heck out of me is the aggression of the act and the fact that my H did not protect me, that he didn't have my back. Our M was definitely on the rocks when the A started, and H now says he felt a lot of anger toward me b/c I had pulled away, but I always felt that even through that, we still felt a basic respect for each other. That we would protect each other, even though we had drifted. The knowledge that he allowed her to come into my home repeatedly while the A was going on, that he knew she was "befriending" me while stabbing me in the back, letting our children play together... basically giving her the green light to get off on having power over me that I didn't know she had, exposing me to someone I truly feel has major socio tendencies--that is the hardest part for me to get past.

I cannot reconcile the good person I always thought my H to be (and still do) and his actions.

We are trying toward R and H seems very sincere. NC, in MC, doing his best to listen to me through my darkest rages even though his instinct is to run from conflict, but just knowing that he was capable of that is really difficult. Our MC has said that while most A's are not really about the BS, he says in our case he feels that this was a direct act of aggression toward me, from both my H and the AP, and that I may have served as a stand-in for the AP's own need to assert her superiority over other women.

I don't know, maybe one day I can get to the point where I can see that all people are capable of terrible actions, but not quite there yet.

BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42233
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can forgive it. Just don't know if I can accept the man I wanted to partner with for life did this and continue to stay married to him. For better or worse is us as a team against the world. Not inviting the world in to bring the "worse" to life up close and personal.

I've never held on to any thing as far as anger or grudges. That's not going to start now. I've seen too many do that and it never ends well.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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