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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What do I need to do to prepare my BH for D-Day?
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right, I am trying to control the situation as best as I can now because once it's out there I no longer have much control and in fact don't know what the reaction/outcome will be. Why wouldn't I try to control it? If those of you WW's could have picked a different time to be confronted/prepared I bet you would have. I'm not burning letters, deleting emails or anything like that in preparation for Dday. I'm trying to get the best advice from those that have been there done that. I am making sure my kids will be gone first, figuring out what not to say, more than what to say. I've gotten some great tips on that. Yes I'm trying to control it. Most people would. Also I mentioned my husband is out of town and I am not about to do this the minute he walks in the door. Kids need to be gone first. Personally I think it's smarter to be prepared.

I think many of you are just waiting to see what the outcome is and you are getting impatient. It's my life, I'm going to prepare the best I can. I'm not going to be pressured by anyone here.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think of it this way. What if every time you texted, emailed or spoke to OM someone took a sharp needle and physically jabbed your BH with it? Imagine every time you were in direct contact with OM someone took your BH and dunked him in a vat of ice water after injecting him with an epinephrine pen. The thing is I'm not exaggerating. Every time I read about those kind of things that is about how I felt (probably worse tbh).
Thank you for the analogy, it does help put it in perspective for me.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think many of you are just waiting to see what the outcome is and you are getting impatient.

Wrong. No one is pressuring you. Quite frankly, you are Still getting advice. You aren't doing anything that no other WS who confessed hasn't tried
Trust me when I say that what you are "preparing" for is going to be seen as manipulation. You're Scared and trying to control this...... You can't. All you need to do is tell the truth and back it up


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
2yrsblind
♂ Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having gotten a confession, I can tell you it wouldn't make a difference how or where she told me. Wouldn't have made it easier to take.

I have a good idea how this will play out. I know that many here don't like numbers but their not on your side.

Hearing this is tough for anyone, but for a man in a marriage its calls into question any kids born into the marriage. "If she did it now, how can I believe its the first and only time". We don't have the support system as woman. My own mothers first question when I told her of my exWW A was "well, what were you doing wrong?" WTF, my own mother?

This is an uphill battle, many of us can see the mistakes your about to make and trying to help you avoid them. You seem to think we've popped the popcorn and simply looking to be entertained. I don't think that's the case.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't want to be pressured either. I think probably you are coming off as very cold and manipulative, a bit NPD about this and it is setting people off because it reeks of affair gaslighting and deceit.

Probably once you have been able to tell your husband and things calm down a bit, everyone who is trying to support you will be very relieved.

I hope it goes as well as it can.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused, I remember working up the courage to tell. I was sick, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was trying to hide my crying constantly. It's no fun.

I'm watching your thread to offer support when you need it. I've btdt and it was HARD. I don't feel impatience, just a desire to help. I believe most folks on here are hoping with you that this will be a first step for good things down the road for both you and your BH. There are many people here who are proof that it gets better if you do the work.

I agree that this is your life and your marriage and your choice. I think it would be good practice for you to work on dropping the defensiveness now. Even though you don't owe any of us here anything it wouldn't go over well with your BH.

You won't agree with everything everyone has to say to you. Take what you need and leave the rest.

And breathe. We all wish you well.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused,

you are doing ok, I don't agree with some of the other takes. I am impressed that you are sticking around. Your plans to get the kids gone, etc. are timely.

You should be prepared for questions about the rest of your marriage. I know a lot more now about relationships, marriage, intimacy, truth, etc. than I did 2 years ago.

Because of this knowledge, I have some doubts about some earlier times in our M as I look back at things differently. So be aware the questions you will get will come from all over the place.

As a BH I do want to echo again the issue of being compared to the AP. Much later you will realize what a scumbag a man must be to mess around with a married woman with kids. Until you really come to that realization at a deep level, you will be at risk for making your BH feel like the 2nd choice by your choice of words.

pulling for you...


oh it took my wife almost 10 months into R to really understand what it meant to be a booty call.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
smez
♀ Member
Member # 41882
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear confused,

I just wanted to offer my support. Good luck. I hope this brings you the closure or healing that you need. I agree that you are getting tons of pressure to confess and half of them are sitting back with popcorn.

I didn't end badly with AP either and if I ever did confess to the physical (I'm not so go find somebody else to pressure) I would give him a heads up out of courtesy.

Take your time. Take all this advice with the grain of salt. Only you know your husband and your marriage. Do what is best for you and him.


Me: 36
BS: 37

Married 8 years.
1 Child
DDay: March 2012


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2014
majortom87
New Member
Member # 40350
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused, I don't know you and I never will, but I just want you to know that I'm proud of you. You're doing what's right and, in the long run, what's best for you and your husband. When your H gets home you're going to get cold feet, d@mn, your feet are going to freeze lol. It's normal and there's nothing wrong with being scared. You have to think that you're winning points and taking steps in the reconciliation path already! You're doing a lot of work in advance: you're confessing instead of getting caught (therefore starting in a way better situation than most of WS that answer you here), you're not TT and not deleting evidence, you're doing everything right already. That doesn't mean your H is going to forgive you, he may leave, but the chances are way better than most of what I've read here. Be strong! Remember that you're not confused anymore, you know what you have to do and you are working towards it. Best luck!

Posts: 17 | Registered: Aug 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused, if this hasn't been added before - I wrote out a letter, to make sure I had everything included, and I read it to him.
And, yes, there is no good time, place, etc.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5344 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate the support. I run a business and 999 people out of a 1000 are happy customers, but there is always that 1 customer that you cant seem to make happy and I let it bug me. My husband says think of the 999 but I want to make the 1 happy. That's how I feel here sometimes and get defensive.

I'm glad many of you get it though. It's not something I'm going to jump into just to get it over with. I do want to try to be prepared, even though I realize at some point you just have to do it. and I do have a plan, just don't want to share it right now.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

by the way, this is a great mantra and "work from" spot that is the crux of most every wayward.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5344 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
finallyfree2011
♀ Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to check in and say Hi.

It seems you are getting a little beat up by some of the WW's and I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and sending you good thoughts for the difficult task you have ahead of you. I tried to private message you but I'm guessing you turned it off to avoid all the hate mail :)

I wish I had been as brave as you and confessed on my own before my A got to the point it did.

Every BH is different but I hope yours will can see that you truly mean to reconcile and will give you the chance to do so.

No matter what, you have a tough road ahead - my BH has been wonderful and 2 1/2 years later it seems the conflicts get less and less related to the A and we deal with normal married husband and wife issues. I think I am now the one who thinks everything relates back to the A when actually BH isn't even thinking about it.


Best of luck to you!


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013
RegretfulHusband
♂ Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Confused,

I know you may possibly have had a rough weekend, given your threads and that your H was out of town until this weekend.

Regardless how this weekend went or whether you decided to come clean or not, I just wanted to let you know we are thinking good thoughts for you.

It's a dark place you're in - I know. But you being willing to be honest with your H and yourself proves there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can do this, and we are here to listen if you need us.

Hoping you're well,

RegretfulHusband


Me: FWH, 34
Her: BS, 33
Married: 6 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5

DDay1: 7+ years ago
DDay2: 1.5 years ago

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 134
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