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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What do I need to do to prepare my BH for D-Day?
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, you are just being honest? *crickets*

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maybe so Brandon, but what is the reason then?

I'm confessing because I love you? I wouldn't buy that. I'm confessing because I can't handle the guilt? poor baby. sounds selfish.

Maybe I worded it wrongly, but the reason has to ultimately be that she doesn't want to betray him any longer. So why? She wants to tell him who she is. Why? I think it's out of respect. Both for him and for herself.

but maybe she shouldn't say that immediately.


and I agree that if she's still worrying about her AP or defending what a fine guy he is, that's not going to go over very well at all. personally, if I heard that, I would chuck her out immediately. seriously.

Not going to lie, you're going to have a rough ride Confused43.

[This message edited by mike7 at 2:38 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 516 | Registered: Mar 2013
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I commend you. You are doing the right thing. You are giving your spouse the freedom to choose and your marriage the opportunity to grow.

Here are a few things that helped me, or could have helped me:

I do not recommend this for an abusive relationship.


I needed a MC asap when I first discovered my wife's affair. I could not trust anyone, not even myself. It killed me that we needed to wait 7 days before we could talk to anyone. Reserving a few slots with a MC and/or IC might be helpful for your spouse. Maybe your IC will speak highly of you to help your spouse to understand that you are on the right path, that you are not that person anymore.

TT kills, but overload kills too. Give him a time line first. When he asks for nitty gritty details, remind him that he can always ask for them later because you will always tell him the truth. I often asked for the nitty gritty details only to test my wife's willingness and strength, but then suffered from the details. Show your willingness and strength immediately, and don't waver. Maybe he won't ask for everything if you do.

Don't lie about anything, not even about general things in life, not even a white lie, not even to a salesman, not even to be "nice" to someone. Be truthful in every aspect of your life.

Don't clam up, don't become defense, and don't fight back during discussions, and take full responsibility for your affair, and demonstrate to him that you are on his side. Be willing to talk when he wants to talk. Ask him if he wants to talk. Do this so he believes you are always willing to tell the truth.

Don't suggest that you know how he feels. Ask him.

Don't tell him what to do, or tell him he's wrong. Instead, recommend and show what you have read or were told about that he might also consider. He needs to make his own choices and reach his own conclusions. He may not trust your opinion and do the opposite. Tread lightly.

Don't use "you" (your BS) in your reasons/answers. He was not the reason for your affair.

Don't use "but" and "however" in your reasons/answers. He may become sensitive to semantics.

Don't use "mistake" in your reasons/answers. Calling it a mistake gives little reassurance that you will not do it again. Rather, say that your affair was based on messed up logic, which you understand now.

Remind him you are not "that" person anymore. Ask him to join your journey to a place further away from that person. You will do it regardless. My wife often told me this (late but never the less) and it helped me.

Remind yourself silently that you can always work on the problems of the marriage and problems of your spouse later, if needed, but not now, not while he's still in shock. He won't understand yet.

Agree with having a few books on hand, if he chooses to read them.

Contact him frequently by texting, calling, emailing, etc. so that he knows you are always thinking about him, because he will be always thinking of you. Let him know you are his top priority and you are there to support him.

Expect drastic mood swings and triggers. So compassion through them. Tell him you are sorry for what you have done to him, full sentence.

You are doing the right thing.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14

Recovery is building a pyramid of inference from which to climb and see clearer, and heavy usage of the reflexive loop.


Posts: 690 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
2yrsblind
♂ Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like some of the others I followed your story and didn't think you had the selflessness to allow him to chose his own path.

As far as "what do I need to do to prepare my BH for D-Day" nothing. You have manipulated him for long enough, just be honest. Tell him accept your blame, and answer his questions. Get it all out at once, TT will wash any progress and reset to step one.

What you need to worry about is "are you prepared to be alone?" There is a really good chance he will simply walk away.

As I told you on another thread and some have said here, don't try to make it sound like it happened and was out of your control. You made the choice every step of the way to betray your husband, your family, your vows. You have killed his trust in you. He will never see you as he did, as the woman he fall in love with, the woman he married. You have killed a part of him. This will forever change him.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been following your posts, and Im so glad you posted in the general forum.

I see a lot of hope with you. You seem to really love your husband, despite the very UNloving act of having an affair.

I think you absolutely must confess BEFORE this weekend trip. Once your BH finds out you were in this same small town as the OM, it will taint the trip in a way that will hurt him tremendously.

You are still foggy..but that shouldn't stop you from confessing. What you DO need to do,is REALLY examine your feelings for the OM. You loved him? Love does not hide. It does not sneak. It does not lie. How many "real life" situations did you share with OM? Has he cleaned your puke up off the bathroom floor because you had the flu and couldn't make it to the toilet? Has he been there for you through a family member's death or serious illness? Has he seen you when you are moody,PMSing, and laying around in sweats? Has he seen you without your hair and makeup done? Did you meet his family? His friends? Did he tell them the truth about who you were..his married affair partner?

Affairs are not real life. It's two people showing off for each other. You usually only see one side to the AP..whatever side they want to show you. Most AP's are playing a game of pretend with each other.

That isn't love. He disrespected you..and you disrespected him. If he loved you, he never would have wanted you to lower yourself to having an affair. I know you have said he never lied to you. He was lying to the woman he committed himself to. He was lying to you..he was just able to get away with it with you because you had no way of knowing if he was telling you the truth or not. And you WANTED to believe him.

Tell him. Be honest. Do not defend or blame. Also, I know you were wondering if you should delete texts,emails, etc from OM..you were wondering if your BH would want to see them. Don't delete anything. Tell him about them, if he says he doesn't want to see them, hang on to them, he might change his mind. Keep them in the email account, give him the password,and leave it in his hands. Do not defend the OM. He is NOT a good, respectable man. He cheated on his wife with a married woman. Which, I suppose the same could be said about you...BUT...you are going to do the right thing and confess..and that makes a Hell of a difference.

Good luck. Stay strong!


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7153 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
OnTilt
♀ Member
Member # 34140
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

confused43,

Read "Things that every WS needs to know" on the wayward side. I just bumped it for you.


BS(Me), WH(Him) in our 50's
Status: I'm giving up on him

Posts: 377 | Registered: Dec 2011
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 6:16 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are moving this to the WS Forum. BS's please post accordingly.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

-it didn't just happen
- you both made conscious choices to lie, sneak and cheat
-the OM will not be a good man in your BH's eyes. The OM stole the sanctity of his M. Regardless of your participation.

I'd advise for you to examine these phrases you use. They are totally minimizing.
Situation
Happened
Caught up

And so on. This wasn't some whirlwind romance, however it felt at the time. The first time your BH asked something about your day and you couldn't look him in the eye and share the truth, the twisting in your gut knew it was wrong.

Just telling the truth in that moment was a choice you could have made to protect your M, your BH and yourself. You didn't look at the OM and suddenly furry woodland creatures were singing around you two while birdies dressed you in a ball gown. This wasn't instantaneous and unavoidable. You let your mind, actions and heart go there. Owning anything less than that is hurtful to your BH.

Otherwise, there really is no "preparing" your BH to have his world ripped apart. He's about to have a complete paradigm shift and have to adjust the knowledge that the life he thought he was living with the life he was actually living due to your lies. For that, I suggest you write a basic timeline, then a more detailed timeline. So he can decide how much he wants to know.

The future he thought he had is over. He's going to mourn and ping pong through the stages of grief. And you'll have to watch, knowing that you made the choices that brought him that grief and anger. You and the "good OM".


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 11002 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have come a long way. I am not sure you can prepare you H for what he is about to face, but you can prepare yourself.

I would have a time line ready and be prepared to answer any and all questions that he has. Have phone records, credit card statements available for him to see if he wants to verify.

You have been advised to choose your words carefully. And I would concur with that completely.

'Being honest'. - At this point you have not made it too far out of the confines of the wayward mindset that allowed you to conduct an affair.

You can say many 'bad' things about your AP and yourself. But you choose not to. You are choosing the focus, not having it chosen for you. So why do you have this perspective? Why do you still need to protect the A bubble and your AP?

That is something that you should devote some time to before having a conversation with your H. How much honesty is in your 'truth' and how much is projection and justification that you need(ed) to have the affair and look back on it in a way that you can tolerate.

I suggest that you change the narrative and focus on the lies and the acts of betrayal outside of the context of the intense feelings the A generated. Look hard at yourself and your AP from this new viewpoint and allow yourself to see it in all of its ugliness.

Approach the confession with humility and empathy. When you feel yourself veering off into explanations, justification or blameshifting pull yourself back on track with the cold, hard facts.

Wishing you well.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3151 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't ready to give him a d-day. Coming over here and asking us? Seriously if you have an iota of worry over your OP, you aren't ready.

There is no ready. There will never be a ready, just confess Confused. Write a timeline and confess. Be ready for anger, even hatred, horror, pain all of it. Have a tough skin, I was called a lot of horrible things, all of them were pretty true in relation to my actions. Answer all questions honestly, don't hold back a detail because this or that might be too much. Tell him you will tell him anything he asks and follow through. Write down everything you remember in a place he always has access to. And do not wait any longer, I mean it there is no ready, no perfect time...just tell him the truth.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2642 | Registered: Oct 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Firstly, thank you Mods for moving this to the WS forum.

I'm most likely going to confess my affair shortly to my BH and I'd like input on what I need to do to prepare him and me. Any books I should have on hand, find a therapist for him and book an appt so he can get in right away, articles for him or me.

Confused, I have been following your story a bit and posted a few notes last week so I am familiar.

While your H will have to make the choice to see an IC, you should book yourself an appointment today. You have spent a great deal of time in deceit and its time to figure out why. IC was a dealbreaker for me. My words to H:, "Get into IC and figure yourself out or pack your bags and leave." Period.

As I mentioned in one of my prev notes, there is nothing you can do to actually prepare your H for the pain he is going to be reeling from.

But to echo others, do not minimize with words like "we found ourselves in this situation", etc. as someone else pointed out.

Do not speak highly about the AP. As others said, he was NOT a great guy to disrespect His AND your marital status. And I believe from what I read, he has left his wife for good w/o her knowing of the A. How distraught and utterly confused she must be! That is not a good guy.

DO read ALL of the Freq Asking Questions from SI's, Healing Library. Order and read the book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, too. I know my H was serious when he bought and read, After the Affair within 2 weeks of D-Day.

There is a difference between illicit sex and elicit sex - thus the intensity with the former. It's not real life. You will get this one day.

My H and I are both on SI. Yours would benefit greatly from SI and I would think he is your first concern. Correct?

Again, if you have no one to talk too, that is what IC is for. Maybe it's time to tell a trusted friend.

Imagine an empty bucket. That's your H. Your job is to fill the bucket. It will take time. It will leak. Hell, he will dump it out. But keep trying. Keep filling it.

Walk the Talk.

Good luck.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:30 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2114 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
jackie89
♀ Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm proud of you for taking this very courageous step. Didn't think you could do it!

Aside from everything that everyone has said, please, please do not say good things about your AP, whether they are true or not - BS do not want to hear what a good guy he was. If he was a good guy - he wouldn't do this to his wife and screw another man's wife. Simple as that.

You don't have to bad mouth him - but do not, I repeat, do not say one positive thing about him to your BH. He will remember those words - a lot!

Good luck.


Separated - working on R

Posts: 451 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Write a detailed timeline. Put it in an envelope and give it to him after you confess, tell him it is detailed and to read it if/when he is ready and that you will answer all questions for him.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One practical thing-- if there is any way you can send the kids to a grandparent or something for a day or two, and tell him when you don't have to work or be up early for a day or two, try to. After d-day, we were up all night, talking, yelling, and crying. Better if the kids aren't around to hear it, and if you don't have to function right after.

The TT I did was a horrible idea. At the time, it felt like it would save us both pain, bur it didn't. Coming clean all at once would have been much, much better. And don't delete anything, as someone said before. My H didn't see a lot of emails because I got rid of them, and the uncertainty of what we said seems to be bothering him more than if he knew the details.

Good luck to both of you.


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW and I are doing pretty decent in R. A few things that she said on DDay hampered the R and still manifest themslves as resentment today.

1. The crap will hit the fan. You will get the "why?" question a LOT. Once time when my W had her fill she said, "I wish I had taken this to my grave". What I heard was that there was more she hadn't told me yet. It showed that she would still be capable of keeping horrible secrets.

2. I told her to get the F out. I told her to call OM and pack her bags. After I grabbed my bottle of booze and fell asleep drunk, she called OM and told him I kicked her out. Do not call OM no matter what your BH tells you.

3. My W sent a NC email without showing me first. It still angers me that she didn't include some very important things.

4. Your husband may have a desire for you to hate OM as well. Anything positive you say about OM will make him less likely to believe it when you do (and you may after realizing the level of pain he helped cause your family).

5. This one hurt the worst. She was so calm and stoic on DDay. It was obvious that she was still on the fence and was not emotionally vested in the M. I was trying to get her to understand my pain and I asked, "how would you feel if I told you I was also having an affair?" She told me it would have pissed her off that she already broke up with OM. Ouch.

Please think about the kids as well. On my DDay they saw a side of their father they didn't know existed (mother too). Scared them pretty good.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't come out and confess everything, he made me ask about a million questions

Write a detailed timeline. Put it in an envelope and give it to him after you confess, tell him it is detailed and to read it if/when he is ready and that you will answer all questions for him.

I know a lot of BS feel they need details, but I feel the need to share here that my BS did not want to know ANY details AT ALL. He found his proof and he did not ask any other questions at all. And as the WS, I didn't spout off details since I was ashamed and it was painful to recount. We are still very early in the process and I think my experience may not be like many others here, but I would warn against too much sharing. Especially since you said you are a sharer and he is quieter.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I feel the need to share here that my BS did not want to know ANY details AT ALL. He found his proof and he did not ask any other questions at all. And as the WS, I didn't spout off details since I was ashamed and it was painful to recount. We are still very early in the process and I think my experience may not be like many others here, but I would warn against too much sharing.
Yes, and some BS are like that. The thing to take away is be prepared to share what he ready to hear. Let him decide on that. Don't push him to hear more if he isn't ready but be willing and ready with more information when he does ask.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3666 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As gently as possible, I think you're maybe worrying about the wrong stuff, i.e., how to prepare him, etc.

The most important part is to just tell him; all the other stuff might make it worse, short-term.

I mean, if you confess, and then bust out books, audiotapes, this site, or whatever, his first thought is going to be, "WTF?!? How long have you been thinking about this? How many other people know? So does you seeking guidance mean that you had considered NOT telling me? Like EVER? What do you mean there's an entire website of people that knew before me???"

He may be ready for all that stuff at some point, but it's going to be his decision, and his healing journey. My opinion is that there is very little (or maybe nothing) that the WS can do to make it better or easier, but there is a ton that can be done to make it worse. After confession, your main focus needs to be on making yourself a safe partner....he is largely going to do his healing on his own terms.

It seems to me like you're trying to soften the blow or cushion the landing for him, and it's just not possible. You cannot control the outcome, you just have to do what you know to be the right thing.

Good luck. Have courage.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 8:40 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1958 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You cannot control the outcome

That's real good advice Confused. Please keep that in mind - there's an old saying on SI that gets shared every now and then, and has some anecdotal truth to it: you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. That means letting go of the outcome. Strength and good luck.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3769 | Registered: Dec 2011
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair"?

I recommend it. Highly.

Also Why would you keep this site from him?
My Bs and I are both on here, it has helped us both immeasurably.
You guys don't have to know each others user names.
There is no way I would not want my BS on here.

Good luck. I hope you follow through!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Topic Posts: 134
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