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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciliation
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That makes sense. If I'm understanding you correctly.

A need for security is not the same as a fear being alone.

For me it's like having to put faith and trust in someone else and I've always struggled with that. And then when they disappoint me, I feel like I made the mistake. I should have just kept them at arm's length (not go all in). Not be vulnerable. It would have been easier and safer to be alone. The risk is too great and not worth it. It's an either/or situation. Go all in and be vulnerable or have one foot out and self-protect.

I always knew that the fear for me wasn't leaving my husband and being alone. It was staying or finding anyone else and being vulnerable again. I still working on it.

I'm not sure what that security means to you Chicho. Hope you can figure it out.

Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It feels like there will never be true security, so there can never be true happiness.

I can't bring myself to go all in if in the back of my mind I will someday be all out.

Because everything else in life is secure. You can control whether you die in a plane crash. Or if you die crossing the street after work tonight. And you can control if your child has brain cancer. And you can control the economy so you never lose your job.

Control is an illusion my friend. Security doesn't exist. You go all in anyway, because you want to.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6569 | Registered: Jan 2011
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Dixie that is it exactly. I guess security to me means we both have equal levels of commitment. That we don't need to worry about surprises from each other. That what I see and what I hear and what I feel is real and not just an illusion.

Rebreather- There is no complete control but with some things you can play the odds and today I woke up feeling on the wrong side of the odds. Maybe tomorrow I will have more faith.

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


First, I'm so sorry you're hurting.

Second, I know the following metaphor may not be helpful, but I can't stop myself.

At one point in my relationship with W2B I was hopelessly in love - in love without hope, sure that she'd send me away within a couple of dates, tops.

My solution was to stop seeing her, and that's how I started one weekend, even before a welcoming hug.

Then, during the hug, I heard a comment in my head: 'You want to end it now because you're afraid it will end in the future? Huh?' True story.

Share what you feel comfortable sharing.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 24
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