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Newest Member: Heartbreaker1999 (45457)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He's friends with an X and I can't handle it
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This would not be ok with me. I feel that it shows a lack of respect for you; especially since you are not comfortable with it. Respecting your feelings should be his highest priority. Maybe a friendly relationship (like an occasional 'like' on FB or something I could live with, but going out for breakfasts alone? Poor boundaries. I wouldn't like that at all.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have an ex boyfriend that I have remained friends with for over 20 years. When his wife came into the picture I made sure she was okay with me hanging out with him. I don't just hang out with him all the time though. Actually we don't see each other very often at all.

I am friends with him, her, our other friends and part of his family on Facebook. His sister and I were actually friends before we were.

He shouldn't be meeting this girl behind your back in secret. He's putting her before you and he shouldn't be. Really, I would never have taken him back if he broke up with you because of her. If I were you, I'd really be rethinking this relationship.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4792 | Registered: Feb 2008
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My theory on exes is the same as my theory on any opposite gender friends - my boundaries are that I don't want my SO hanging out one on one with other women, and I don't want him having conversations with other women that I can't be a part of (i.e. if they're chatting at a party or something, I should be able to walk up and join the convo without any hesitation or weirdness). I don't want him being friends with women who aren't respectful and inclusive of me, or who are harmful to our relationship.

If their friendship is in any way past those lines, I'm not okay with it, because that's when I feel it starts to undermine our relationship.

I won't continue to date anyone who is uncomfortable with those boundaries, and I chose to follow them myself with male friends whether or not I'm in a relationship. It just keeps everything clear and above board, IMHO.

The only exceptions I've found were running into someone unexpectedly who was in town, and grabbing a drink, in which case if SO had been there, he could have joined us and it wouldn't have changed the level of our interaction at all; or once when a SO talked to one of my girlfriends to plan a surprise for me.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13812 | Registered: Jul 2011
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it wouldn't be the contact (which sounds fairly innocent to me), but the secrecy.

But back to my original questions--why did they break up? Why is this friendship important to him? What does he get out of this relationship?

It is really easy to dismiss this as lack of boundaries or him being an asshole. But maybe the key to your decision here is understanding the dynamics of the relationship. It may be that it is a boundary-less situation or that he is an asshole.

I have quite a few male friends. I see them occasionally without GDM (usually coffee during the work day). I correspond with them via email and text. GDM knows, and he knows of the contact and he knows why I am friends with each of them. If he had an issue, we would talk it out and I would be sensitive to his concerns. I would never break off my relationship with him over these people, though.

I think you need to do a deeper dive on this one to find out more so you can make the right decision concerning this relationship.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 7:09 AM, January 19th (Sunday)]


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29678 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have to trust your gut. It makes you uncomfortable and he doesn't respect that he is doing something that makes you uncomfortable. If he feels you are being unfair about this and it is YOUR problem, you will never be partners in this relationship.

He doesn't take your concerns seriously. He is making you feel like there is something wrong with you because you are uncomfortable with this. Why would you want to stay with someone who makes you feel like there is something wrong with you when your feelings and emotions are talking to you? To me, that shows an utter disrespect of your feelings.

You aren't a priority with him. Why are you settling for that?


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15300 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
ladythump
♀ Member
Member # 22995
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would anyone's opinions change if I told you I was snooping through his phone? I haven't gone through his phone in 8 months but he knew I went through his phone before that (though he never confronted me about it) .... and for the past eight months, he thinks I was still going through his phone.


If the marriage was worth saving, we wouldn't be here.

D Day - Feb 15, 2009



Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2009
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Were you going through his phone because you suspected something, or because you are not healed from infidelity?

Personally, I would not be in a relationship where I felt I needed to go into someone's phone. If there's that level of lack of trust, it's not something I want to be part of.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3410 | Registered: Dec 2011
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LT, how is that supposed to change anything? I'm confused.

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
ladythump
♀ Member
Member # 22995
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through his phone because I probably wasn't healed from infidelity and because I wanted to know how close they really were. I didn't suspect cheating but I hated the idea of them being friends I guess.

absolut - I'm not sure how its suppose to change anything. Was just wondering if it made a difference of opinion to any of you

Obviously I'm posting on here cause I'm looking to justify/validate my feelings. I'm super hurt right now ....

[This message edited by ladythump at 6:25 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]


If the marriage was worth saving, we wouldn't be here.

D Day - Feb 15, 2009



Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2009
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((LT)))))
Yeah i think once you find yourself going through someone's stuff, call it a day.

I think maybe you need to find a different counselor, someone who can help you trust your instincts more. 2 years with this guy???

He's broken up with 2 girlfriends over an ex-girlfriend??? Everything you listed about him is such a red flag. Old relationships are over, they belong in the past. Meet someone who cherishes what is right in front of him, who nurtures a growing relationship.

I can't imagine making a new boyfriend feel jealous or insecure so I could take an ex's parents out for pancakes. I mean seriously. This guy sounds like a dud.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
ladythump
♀ Member
Member # 22995
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't do much counseling during this relationship. Maybe 3 or 4 sessions and I didn't work through the deeper issues to be honest. I'm starting again this week (same counselor) but this time I'm going to drive home the fact that I need to really work on things.

No, he's only broken up with me over an XGF. His previous X made him give up friends (he did) and he said he wasn't going to do that again. That's probably the reason why he was so adamant about remaining friends with her but who knows.

You're right about the pancake comment. Thanks.


If the marriage was worth saving, we wouldn't be here.

D Day - Feb 15, 2009



Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2009
stronggirl72
♀ Member
Member # 37293
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never.

IMO, contact (like that) with a person of the opposite sex while in a relationship is out of the question.

Have you told him how you really feel about this? His willingness to understand your feelings will be a telling thing, so if he downplays how you are feeling, or refuses to dramatically decrease his dealings with this ex, then I would have to seriously re-think everything.

You deserve better.


"Taking the high road, and doing it with class."

DIVORCED!!


Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2012
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im curious how you two got back together? Did you just decide to squelch your feelings?

My Ex did this to me BACK WHEN WE DATED. Said he wouldn't give up a female friend for me and i just took it. Set the tone for our whole 23 year marriage.

Poor behavior and bad boundaries continued while i pretzeled myself into what he wanted> Up until he finally left me for one of his "friends i shouldn't feel threatened by"

I look back on that red flag and think "that was the point i should have run"

You've been given a gift and told where you stand with him. Don't ignore it.


Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2011
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a big problem with someone asking for implicit trust. I don’t even trust myself implicitly. It’s called a slippery slope for a reason. You can’t hope on the slope and say, “Oh it’s cool, I’m wearing cleats. I can stop myself at any moment.” False bravado only increases your likelihood of falling down because you won’t recognize the slope getting steeper.

He’s already pushed past your comfort levels by prioritizing the friendship first, and now he is hiding it from you. He is on the slope and pretty content there.

What are your boundaries and how can you respect them?


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3477 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
ladythump
♀ Member
Member # 22995
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We never broke up before. After two years, he just broke up with me two weeks ago.


If the marriage was worth saving, we wouldn't be here.

D Day - Feb 15, 2009



Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2009
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