Backstory: we have been having our most issues since last winter when I volunteered for a deployment to Afghanistan against her wishes (I haven't been and its a career move-- I didn't expect her to understand or be supportive, but I thought we'd be fine). FWIW We have since realized we have been living a co-dependent marriage. I can't thank the community here enough for making it possible for us to realize that. This past year I have said some things to drive a wedge into our relationship (biggest one that stands out is when she wanted to buy me something really awesome for my birthday I told her something to the effect of "oh so I'm buying myself something nice..." Our latest fallout was the day before her birthday in December. I came home and a friend of hers that I openly disapprove of (friend is ok with sleeping with other people while her husband is deployed to Cuba... ok in their marriage or not I don't think its appropriate to call someone a close friend who thinks that way) was at our house for the 4th day in a row that week. She left, I unloaded on my WS and basically asked her what she did all day, because the house was a wreck and had been for a while. WS left to go stay with her folks and hour and a half away and said we'll re approach this relationship after the cruise. I couldn't do that and we made what I thought were some amends before Christmas and continued until her cruise last week. Little did I know she had given up on the relationship and trying to make it work. While she was gone I took leave and took care of our daughter. Did a lot of projects around the house we just hadn't had time to work on (mostly for her) and even booked a trip for just us to go to Hawaii later this spring. I legitimately thought things were going better.
One of of her other close friends (who is german-italian - this makes sense later) who went on the cruise got a "hall pass" from her husband. WS hung out with her a lot on the cruise and they ended up meeting some guys from Italy. They hung out and danced and drank etc and she ended up in his bed 2 nights (so she says). Allegedly wore protection but I insisted she get tested anyway.
I found out about it because she was acting very very weird when she got back. It was like she just left someone she loved or really cared about. Adding to that, she mentioned meeting some Italians and seemed all super infatuated with speaking Italian with her friend mentioned above. It was like a school girl learning a language so she could pass notes. The real thing that alerted me was a brand new email account on her computer with Italian in the name, and she was pretty secretive with it. Ended up getting screen shots of the initial conversation that didn't tell me anything more than it being an emotional thing. Waited a day and got confirmation in another one ("I can still feel you..." etc
I didn't have anybody to talk to about it other than her mother (yeah I know...) We are very close and she was devastated and agreed that I needed to end it now.
I confronted her at that point- she had not a clue I had any idea. WS was clearly still in the fog and very defensive and is still attempting to justify it to some degree. I was lost. Angry, sobbing, just lost. I asked her to send an email to him killing the relationship and delete the account and watched while she did it. We had 2 meetings with counselors this week and have 2 more next week.
I sent screen shots to OP's BS on facebook but have no way of knowing if she got them. My BS got upset with me for doing that- I think the fog is making her still feel something for him. I personally hope he ends up homeless doing *things* for crack in some alley... but I digress.
I had posted in a private section of a gun forum I frequent asking for advice. 99% of the responses were kick her to the curb. One person referred me to SI and said how much it helped him, and I'm glad he did. I just found SI last night and things make so much more sense already. I love her still, this doesn't change that. I don't love what she did and its inexcusable.
One of the hardest things about this is that we have these giant issues in our life and talking about them keeps intermingling them. I was her world, and volunteering to deploy crushed her (see codependent above...) and she has not been able to get past that despite going to counseling some.
I know I need to do a 180 but I'm deeply concerned that it will just end in her leaving for good. When we fought in December she basically decided she needed to become a person independent of me (not realizing at that time what co-dependence was) and that she wanted to go back to school. She was looking at an 8 month certificate program 5 1/2 hrs away for massage therapy at a tech school (closest one). And she was wanting to take our daughter with. I realize she needs to become her own person but at this point I don't know how to trust her. There is a college 1 1/2 hrs away that has a great nursing program and she is looking very hard at doing that one. I told her I am not supportive of her moving 5 1/2 hrs away with our daughter (and she wanted to do it AND share an apartment with the german/italian woman mentioned above). I'll do what it takes to make this work but running away (in my eyes) is not the best answer as we have to work through this together.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:21 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]
You may have had a co-dependent marriage, but that is not an excuse ... seriously 180!
Read as much as you can in the Healing Library and FAQ's ... clarity will come. Whether you R or D you will be ok. ((interiorpain))
BW - Me (28)
WH - Him my JH sweetheart (33)
Married - 8 years
2 babies - DD (3) and DD (3 months)
OW#1 - PA with classmate for 2 months
OW#2 - Some slut living oversees that needs a green card. EA & PA going on
The first thing you need to realise is that nothing that you may or may not have done in the marriage before her affair validates her sleeping around. YOU didn't drive her to this, her deciding to solve marriage problems with another man is a sign thay something isn't right inside her.
My first impressions is that you are posted somewhere pretty remote; is there any way you can get a compassionate posting closer to civilisation? Check with your superiors, as an officer I have posted guys and girls under marriage stress interstate before, and isn't usually a problem. These things in life happen.
The othet benefit of this would be your wife extricating herself from this toxic friend of hers. A lot of the books talk about removing people from the relationship who aren't a friend of the marriage. Your WW's friend evidently has dragged/encouraged your wife into partaking of her morally bankrupt lifestyle to probably lessen her own guilt about being a tramp.
As for deployments mate, I hear you. I have to deploy for a few months towards the end of the year, and something I was looking forward to now fills me with dread. Mostly because no matter what my now remorseful wife says, I will still never be able to quite trust her while I am away.
180 mate, shut her fog down and demand access/transparency to her email/phone for the interim or else you walk. You can't nice them out of the fog, as having their cake and eating it too is what attracts them to affairs in the first place. Shock and awe my friend...you'll feel better for it too as well.
Keep posting for support.
Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married nearly 2 years
19m old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13
Quite often no one knows about these schemes until sadly they need them.
All of the things the other posters suggesteted are great places to start.
Doggiediva has it right, if she wants to leave, let her, sans the baby though(!) She can finance her own beginning independence. That sounds like she will sucker you and have you pay for her to 'find herself' in a new city while. She has already handed you the bill for her to find love in all the wrong places!!! NO WAY!
You are going to have to get tough. She does not seem remorseful, trying to blame you for her poor coping skills.
Time to protect yourself and do 180. Sucks but you will never nice her back.
THIS^^^ is the real answer for the moment. How you fair after a few weeks of the 180...well. you should be able to tell if she becomes remorseful.
Right now she 'Regrets' that you found out she was fucking around. She needs to own her shitty moves and show real 'Remorse' that she has done this to the one person she promised to love and cherish.
And I 2'nd
She needs to get rid of these friends
I love her still, this doesn't change that. I don't love what she did and its inexcusable.
She is a lucky girl, that you still love her. I hope for both of you she can pull her head out of her ass before it is too late for your marriage.
Do something nice just for you. It will give you time to think about this shit sandwich that is being shoved in your face. Please take care of you. Rest, hydrate, try to eat...
Post, rant, let 'er rip! We are listening and we care.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
I don't know how to do a full 180 with our daughter living in the house with us. I can tell she already knows something is up and we have made a point not to talk about it in front of her.
I am ready to make the ultimatum that she cuts those friends from her life if she wants to stay. I am almost certain this will make her go stay with her parents who live near Fairbanks. I am struggling with my little girl being that far away, and with the woman who broke my heart. I can't be home and take care of her long term- I'm a officer and have other responsibilities too...
I think I'm ready to tell her I'm not paying for her school. At first in my early mourning I was willing to make the concessions to make this work. FWIW we do have joint accounts and she hasn't worked in years. When she did she waited tables at her father's restaurant. So she has ZERO credit or income.
Thoughts... so many of them going through my head.
In other news I told her off the get go that we both will not be drinking (didn't drink much to begin with but...) I LOVE beer and drink whiskey and rum fairly often but know thats the absolute wrong way to go with this. I will be hitting the gym a lot more. Got up this morning at 0700 (on a Saturday?!!??) and worked out and took my daughter to swim lessons. Its so hard to be out in public:(
ETA: we went to a Military counselor last week the day after I found out and then civilian later.
I've drafted a "What is going to happen:" document for her. Will be having her read it later.
How long does the fog generally last? I tried explaining to her right off the bat this guy probably does this on every cruise and that he was a player but she wouldn't hear it.
[This message edited by interiorpain at 6:10 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]
The thing they don't quite get is that infidelity is for most reasonable people, a dealbreaker. Deep down they know it, but they seem to just seperate their circumstance with an attitude akin to 'well I have no intention of leaving my H, so as long as I don't get caught, no one is going to get hurt.' It's only when it gets blown open do their fantasy land feelings and emotions die off.
My WW admits now that OM is a snake, and she has no doubt he'll be hunting his 10th exit affair in his next posting. I have half a mind to post his new CO an email warning him about this clown's behaviour in the workplace, but my WW is just as guilty in this instance.
You're going to lose some weight to stress mate, so embrace the opportunity. I have started a 12 week bodybuilding program to focus my mind on and just doing something for your self is amazingly cathartic.
Get your wife to send him an NC letter demanding no further contact. If she refuses, she's still in the fog. File for divorce and start the 180 and you'll be amazed how quickly her perspective changes. Agree about cutting the drinking, some of my most savage fights with my WW since D-Day have been after a few 'harmless' glasses of wine or some beers. Alcohol really brings out spite and anger, so watch it.
Oh and only ~10% of wayward's end up with their AP. Of that small percent, only roughly 10% are still together 12 months later. Let her savour that sobering statistic.
[This message edited by Hurthalo at 7:14 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]
December she says is when, to her, our marriage ended. I had no idea. She thought I didn't care anymore, when reality was, to me, that I cared the most I have in years.
I think she doesn't really want to try on our marriage until she finds out what she wants to do/be. We married young and she spent the last 7 years being a china doll I'd placed on the shelf... I take responsibility for that, I got complacent.
I'm wondering how the initial conversations about this issue went......
She told me it would crush her if I volunteered, and I did it anyway.
She thought I didn't care anymore, when reality was, to me, that I cared the most I have in years.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
On the volunteering I kinda just dropped it on her that I really wanted to do it for my career. She expressed that it would crush her, we went to counseling and I just volunteered. I know it was a terrible decision.