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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is this a red flag?
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good grief, people, this is just a second date! What is the worst that could happen? Seriously . . . What is the worst that could happen.

They are far from a "relationship" further yet from being each other's SO. Yeah, he could be as f-ed up as a soup sandwich, but this is exactly why we date--to get to know people better so we can make good decisions about having a relationship with someone.

Attorneys are a tough breed. I was raised by one and I have been in a relationship with one for 3.5 years.

The worst that can happen, from where I stand is that you decide he is not worth date #3. Is that going to be a forever damaging experience? Highly doubt it.

To keep things in perspective, some would consider my GDM's leaving a 27 year marriage or his lack of a relationship with his second son to be red flags also. I took some time to get to know the man and while he definitely has his faults and issues, he is a good person.

I would go on the date, but like any beginning friendship, watch, listen and learn.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 8:43 AM, January 19th (Sunday)]


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29625 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get the don't want a player thing, but this makes me sad for the people who have been unlucky in love. It's not everyone's first and only priority to be in a relationship at any cost. That doesn't mean they aren't good people or capable of love.

If someone is a little awkward, not a classic catch, it is actually pretty common to focus on other things and take a pause from failed romance. I knew a woman didn't settle down until she was in her fifties.

If he is really smooth and great on paper, and has had numerous flings, that would be more of a concern.


Posts: 3396 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told me that he has never had a relationship longer than five months - and that the five month relationship was really hard (as he said, he gave it the ol' "college try"). He says that he has very high standards.

I have issues with anyone who relates their longest relationship (5 months) with giving it the ol' "college try.

Not cool.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9179 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@cat - thanks for stepping in, I was a little surprised by people equting a second date to somehow being in a relationship or 'settling' or exerting too much effort for someone that wasn't worth it (someone who they never met and I spent all of 90 minutes with).

@crescita - He's not socially awkard or unattractive or anything that would make you think he would have trouble getting a date. He seems to date a lot, just doesn't stay committed.

@thyme - I think he was trying to make an awkward joke. It just struck me that he said it was really, really hard for him to stay in a five month relationship - he just tried to stick it out.

Anyway, I decided to cancel the second date. He was very gracious. I just told him that I enjoyed meeting him but I just didn't feel it and didn't want to waste him time. He thanked me and wished me luck.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For us foreigners, what is an "ol college try" ?


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's only the second date. No need to freak out. Give the guy a chance.

One of my brothers had lots of girlfriends, no serious long term relationships for many years. Got married when he was 38. Has four kids, been married for 12 years. Outstanding dad and husband. And brother He was not interested in settling down, he had high standards you might say. I adore my SIL. He made a great choice -- and a lot that was because he waited until he was ready and knew what he wanted.

So give the guy a chance. Maybe you are what he's been waiting for!

Eta, sorry to hear you cancelled the date. Oh well, maybe someone else will give him a chance...

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 12:57 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 865 | Registered: Sep 2012
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@jem - it's a glib way of saying that you 'gave it a shot.' It can mean that you tried really hard, as when in college (university) you work hard on a project. Most of the time, colloquially, it's said ironically.

@stronger - I cancelled because I just wasn't feeling it with this guy for whatever reason. When I originally posted the question, I was curious if this should be something I should be cautious about (clearly yes), but it wasn't the deciding factor.

One thing with your BIL - keep in mind that if he got married at 38 then he clearly started seriously dating SIL in mid-30's. This individual is turning 40 soon and has not had a relationship longer than 5 months (that he described as excruciating) in about 17 years.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
risingfromashes
♀ Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the reasoning behind my response had to do with how I perceived the wording in the question. Is it a red flag...I think so. If you had asked about going out for a drink with someone you were not sure you wanted to get involved with I would have had a different reaction. I misunderstood thinking you were asking about getting involved in a serious relationship.


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1638 | Registered: Mar 2004
Topic Posts: 28
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