SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First of all, thank you for allowing me on this forum as I am in incredible pain and could really use support / perspective. I appreciate hearing from WS and BS.

There are disgusting revelations ahead so please don't read further if you feel you will be offended.

I have been married to an out of control sex addict for 6 years and it has been 5 years of hellish TT, five years of false R. Now I do not know what to do and I am in incredible pain.

In 2008 I found out he was having an EA with someone he met on CL and that was DD #1. Then a few weeks later it turns out that he kissed this woman in our home. Then a few weeks later I installed a keylogger and learned that he was seeing prostitutes. He swore up and down that he was going to change once I moved out. He started IC and went to Sex Addicts Anon (SAA). We went to MC. We moved in together again. We had weekly talks about our relationship and did in-depth work to restore trust, etc.

Things were going great, I told myself. Sure, we weren't having sex but that was because "his sex drive was so low due to guilt." And sure he continued to lie about his emotions but we were working on that, too.

So I agreed to have a child with my husband and we got pregnant right away. Yay! Then under pressure in a tense convo sometime near my 12th week of pregnancy (May/June 2013), he admitted that he was still masturbating to mental images of prostitutes. He claimed he was not seeing these women, "just" masturbating to images in his head. He professed that this was all that was going on and got on antidepressants and Naltrexone to inhibit his libido. But was this all? Of course not.

Around August 2013 he revealed that we weren't having sex because he had untreated genital warts since 2008 and he did not want me to know.

He began seeing a dermatologist for long delayed treatment of his now-extensive warts.

I gave birth in late November 2013 and since then have found out the following. All of these things are revelations he has disclosed in the past few weeks:

Childhood / Early Adulthood (1985 - 2007)

- He believes he was molested by two men around the ages of 3 and 4. He hates his mother (and essentially all women) for "letting" this happen. (I already knew he had been physically, psychologically and mentally abused by his mother, stepfather and other family members.)

- He was inappropriate with a cousin when he was 6 and she was 4. He continued this behavior for 2 years until caught by an aunt.

- He masturbated to thoughts of incest but did not act on them.

- He committed a rash of petty but vicious property crimes as a teenager because of his rage.

Before Our Marriage (before 2007)

- He patronized a prostitute who may have been transsexual just because although he found this person disgusting, he was "so horny". He felt disgusted by it but then later began to fetishize transsexuals.

- He repeatedly cheated on his former girlfriend with another woman and not only had unprotected sex with his AP but did so without a condom and while the AP was having her period. He then returned home and had sex with his girlfriend.

After Our Marriage (post 2007)

- He has lied to me about everything from his height to his prior job to his cat dying. (He sold the cat. The cat did not die.)

- He repeatedly endangered his last job by looking at Craigslist and Backpage on his work computer. He says this continued until 2012.

- He brought prostitutes to our home while I was at work.

- He patronized 6-7 prostitutes before 2008 and he claims that he has not seen any since then. One problem: He previously told me that he had seen 3-5.

- Until 2012 he was purchasing porn at a corner store near his therapist's office before going to IC.

- He says he used to masturbate 2-3 times per day and now he does not masturbate at all and is whiteknuckling it. (Yeah, okay.)

-He pretends to be progressive and open but is instead a misanthropic racist with typical stereotypes for every group you can think of.

-He is obsessed with Latinas and thinks they are the epitome of sexual "hotness". I am not Latina.

- He currently has 25 - 50+ sexual fantasies per day.

- Some of these fantasies have become bizarre or surreal, (e.g., imagining a woman is a giant vagina).

- Some of these fantasies are violent and include him raping a woman or being raped by a man or a transsexual person.

- Some of these fantasies are consensually homosexual.

- He fetishizes obese women because they remind him of one of his AP.

- He fantasizes about and ranks women constantly, including his own female relatives. He does not control his fantasizing even when he is out with me.

- His sexual fantasies are strongly correlated with anger. He is angry most of his waking hours and represses it.

- He feels very little empathy for anyone or anything. For instance, he hears of a woman being raped and only thinks of how the act of intercourse is "hot." He says he would not act on such fantasies but I don't know what to think.

- Nothing in life feels as important to him as sex, anger and revenge--including me and our child.

- He "loves me and is so, so, so sorry."

I feel as though I am living with a monster. I don't know what to do. I thought I was married to kind, loving, basically decent but flawed person who was having sex outside of our marriage. Instead, it turns out that my husband is a hateful person who equates sex with anger, control and hatred. I am afraid he could hurt someone. I am not sure what his other, hidden desires might be and am afraid of what will trickle out next. I constantly feel like I want to throw up. If it were not for my beautiful infant I would seriously consider ending my life because I feel worthless and contaminated.

A tiny part of me wants to believe that because he voluntarily disclosed these things he wants to get the psychological help he clearly needs. But I don't know. I only know that I am frightened, disgusted and wracked with pain.

Please, any help, perspective or wisdom would be appreciated. Thank you.

[This message edited by determinata at 12:00 AM, January 19th (Sunday)]

I'm so sorry you're here. So sorry. (((HUGS)))

I feel your pain. My ex-husband was also a sex addict with very deviant preferences that included young girls, urination, and anal rape. Lots 'n lots of anal rape & urination. And young girls. Oh, and genital mutilation. And prostitutes. And lots of masturbation to porn. Non-stop porn. And cheating websites so he could boink local housewives (I never know if the women I meet nowadays have screwed my husband). And old girlfriends. Oh, and bondage. I'm telling you this so you'll know you're safe here, you're in the company of others who also have walked your path. There is no shame here.

I tried for my entire marriage to fix my husband. Ultimately I could not, and when his acting out began to endanger my children I had to end the marriage. I have learned so much along the way about addiction, perversion, codependency, courage, compassion...

Whatever it is that's wrong with your husband is not about you. You didn't cause it, you can't fix it, it's not your job to fix it.

You MUST take care of yourself and your baby. That's your Number One Priority. Your husband is an adult. He has to take care of himself. Work on a little emotional detachment for the time being. You need some emotional space to clear your head.

Addicts are masters at making their enablers believe they want help. They'll cry and say/do anything to get you to believe they truly need & crave your help. It's a lie. Addicts lie. How do you know if an addict is lying? Is he talking? Then he's lying. Is he crying? He's lying. Is he swearing he's telling the truth? He's lying. From this moment forward don't believe or trust another word (written or oral) that comes from your husband. Only actions will reveal the truth.

If your husband truly wants help then he'll help himself. He's not an idiot, he does not need you to give him suggestions. He does not need you to make appointments for him. He does not need you to sign him up for this or that or be his parole officer.

http://www.posarc.com/index.php

"Boundaries In Marriage"

by Cloud & Townsend

"Codependent No More"

"The New Codependent"

by Melody Beattie

"Out of the Shadows"

by Patrick Carnes

Nature_Girl Thank you so much for your reply. I am so sorry we are two members of the world's saddest sorority. It really helps to know I am not alone. Waves of nausea just overcame me as I wrote that post and I appreciate your candor with your own situation. Congratulations on your divorce; I hope I can be so brave one day.

I appreciate the links to books and will check them out. I have had some success in putting emotional distance between us but it is a struggle. I admit that just last week I offered to go with him to his IC to hold him accountable for telling the IC the truth. (I know; WTF was I thinking?)

I will continue to focus on myself and my son. I know that somehow my life is worth saving and that deep down being a naif is no reason to hate myself.

I don't want to alarm you unnecessarily, however, you should have yourself tested for STD's asap. You'll need the full meal deal - blood, urine and PAP. Tell them you need to be screened for all STD's, including Hep C, and tell them why. They've heard it before, you won't be the first wife to come in that day and you won't be the last.

I found that telling my story, finally telling it and having people react with horror, was liberating & healing for me. It was validating. It was a confirmation that I truly was living in a nightmare and needed help to end it. I can think of just one person out of all the people I've told who reacted in a way to suggest they thought this was at least partially my fault. Well, screw them. I know the truth.

As the wife of a SA I bet you are weary of portraying a false front. I'm telling you that it's okay to stop pretending and instead live a life that's truthful and authentic. Be warned, though, that addicts don't like their truths exposed.

(((Determinata)))

I have nothing to add that Nature_Girl hasn't already said, listen to her and please, please look after yourself and your child. Post here often, this is indeed a safe place:)

He's wearing what my fwh and I have been calling Porn Colored Glasses.

My fwh describes a mind state just as you talked about. (Your story is very similar to mine...) he said it was like he was walking around in one really big porno. All of the time.

Was his confession "out of the blue" or after a controntation over something you had found?

As the wife of a SA I bet you are weary of portraying a false front. I'm telling you that it's okay to stop pretending and instead live a life that's truthful and authentic.

This is so true! I spent years living behind a smiling mask. I did not realize how much it drained me to keep up the appearance of everything being okay

If your husband truly wants help then he'll help himself. He's not an idiot, he does not need you to give him suggestions. He does not need you to make appointments for him. He does not need you to sign him up for this or that or be his parole officer.

My ex spent 5 months inpatient at one of the top SA treatment centers. He purchased porn within 24 hours of his release. Lasted maybe a week before seeing an escort. But this was my fault because I filed for divorce and abandoned him.

Please take care of yourself and your baby! Get a check up.

T/j @risingfromashes NO! NOT YOUR FAULT! Not your fault or your responsibility.

End t/j. Staying with an active SA is soul crushing. It's suicide of the emotions. Please don't allow yourself to be continually abused like this. Hell change if he wants to and it will have nothing to do with what you do or don't do.

Keep posting. Find a support group for you, Sanon or COSA.

Hugs.

Hello! I just wanted to send you some support. Unfortunately, there are many of us here. I'm still in the beginning stages here and am just starting to see the depths of WH's "indiscretions."

I'm glad you have found this site - there are so many wonderful people here to help you navigate this scary reality. You'll be in my thoughts - big hugs!

[This message edited by BeHappyAgain at 11:00 AM, January 19th (Sunday)]

Addicts lie. How do you know if an addict is lying? Is he talking? Then he's lying. Is he crying? He's lying. Is he swearing he's telling the truth? He's lying. From this moment forward don't believe or trust another word (written or oral) that comes from your husband. Only actions will reveal the truth.

I so did not want to believe this when in the midst of trickle truth. With my X, it is important to only look at his actions. He is a pro at lying and manipulating.

Get STD testing including HPV. Also, find a CSAT for you (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist).

Love on that baby and keep posting. We are here for you! I "bumped" a thread in Just Found Out for you and some others: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502528&AP=1&HL=

edited to add CSAT note

[This message edited by Compartmented at 11:24 AM, January 19th (Sunday)]

My ex-WH was/is an SA. A few things that you can do:

Go to COSA or another Co-Dependent Group.

His behavior isn't about you. You will get many different "reasons" and "justifications" for his behavior. What I note is that he loves to be hurtful and control you through his "revelations." For example, *why* did he need to tell you his maturbatorial fantasies? I'm serious, what was the objective there? It seems like it was just to hurt you.

Even SA's that really, really, really, really want to be treated have a long and arduous path. I stayed with my exWH about three years after his diagnosis. Other than limiting his porn consumption, other behaviors escalated. For example, he was fired for sexually harassing colleagues and students.

What strikes me here is that you feel he is a danger to himself and others. That is a HUGE. Part of being a co-dependent is being a little bit in denial (or a lot in denial). So if your denial mind says he is a danger, then he is a danger.

Start therapy, post here. There are many of us!

[This message edited by hurtbs at 12:09 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]

Yes. What they all said. There is nothing you did to cause this. There is nothing you can do to stop it. This is all him. If he doesn't get the help he needs, and really accept it... Then there is nothing you can do. You can be his accountability partner, but if he is lying to you, then that won't help either...

My grandfather was clearly a sex addict (9 marriages ALL broken because of his infidelity) he never recovered... some never stop.

Sorry for any confusion! I was being completely sarcastic about anything I have ever done could cause his actions. He takes no responsibility for any of his behavior. My sis once told me that if developed a hemorrhoid he would find a way to blame me for it.

I hope you find support to deal with being married to an SA. It is so isolating.

[This message edited by risingfromashes at 1:16 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]

He was molested. He admits to molesting a relative for several years. He fantasizes about incest. You can not stay with this man and have a child in that home. You simply can't. I wouldn't let him spend 30 seconds alone with that baby.

I'm sorry. What you are going through is horrible, but you must protect your child. He is a walking time-bomb with that baby. When the anger, rage, control issues and so on build up...he has a built in target living in his home. Defenseless...like he was.

I would leave. Maybe not forever, but for a good long time and he would be required to get some serious help.

[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 1:24 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]

Nature_Girl and Sparkle0504 Thank you for your support. I have clean STD tests, including for Heps, and I think that they should still be valid but I have a routine GYN appt including a pap smear the next two weeks and will get tested again. Wish me luck. I haven't been sexually active with my husband in many months so I am hoping I am still OK.

steadfast1973 Porn colored glasses indeed. I never really thought of it that way but it is clear that my husband is looking at life through the lens of porn and that is why every woman is a "valid" object for sexualization.

risingfromashesThank you for sharing your experience and I take it seriously. I realize that the prognosis for my husband is not good and that's not the same as a prognosis for me or my son. I'm going to commit to taking care of us both.

scaredyKatI have to keep hitting myself about the head with the realization that he will only change if he wants to. I just hectored him about signing up for a SA retreat--as thought that's going to do anything-- when what I needed to be doing was getting support for myself.

BeHappyAgainThank you for the well wishes and I wish you a lot of healing in your journey as well. You are strong enough to deal with whatever the truth may be. Hang in there.

Compartmented You are so right. His words say that he is contrite. His actions say that he is full of crap. He's not doing any meaningful recovery work and he stopped attending SAA because he "doesn't buy into it."

The truth is that for now, I need to stay in the marital home with him. I am currently dependent upon his income (my job laid me off while I was on maternity leave) and I need his help with the baby. But I won't be in this space forever and while being a single mother was never my plan, I know I can raise my son better in a safe, sane single parent headed home than in the crazytown that is marriage to an active, angry addict.

Thank you for bumping that thread for me!

hurtbs I haven't found any real solace in COSA but I'm going to try to attend a meeting again and see if it helps. I will also look at other codie groups again anew and see if they are helpful. See he and I have been in this fake reconciliation, I really have not done any recovery work on myself, on my own.

What I note is that he loves to be hurtful and control you through his "revelations." For example, *why* did he need to tell you his maturbatorial fantasies? I'm serious, what was the objective there? It seems like it was just to hurt you.

I asked him to disclose what his mastubatory fantasies were because his base level obsession is fantasy and masturbation. I should not have asked, as I do not need to know but I'm the one who initiated it. I do suspect that he may get a sick thrill out of parceling out the truth. It's the only meaningful control he has in the relationship ad so I think he enjoys it on at least some level.

What strikes me here is that you feel he is a danger to himself and others. That is a HUGE. Part of being a co-dependent is being a little bit in denial (or a lot in denial). So if your denial mind says he is a danger, then he is a danger.

I'm having trouble trusting myself and my own instincts but I know one thing; I'm not going to live in perpetual fear of what he will do next. That's too much, entirely too much.

NoMorDeceit

I really appreciate your directness but want to clarify something.

He admits to molesting a relative for several years.

Apparently there is a range of normal and deviant sexual play between children and I do not know which this was. I do know that his female relative was less than 2 years younger than him and this stopped by age 8. It could meet the criteria for molestation or it could not. To know for certain, I'd have to read his mind or ask his relative. I really cannot do either. I any case, yes, it is highly concerning.

He fantasizes about incest.

Gross, problematic. He says he stopped that in early adolescence but who knows?

You can not stay with this man and have a child in that home. You simply can't. I wouldn't let him spend 30 seconds alone with that baby.

I'm sorry. What you are going through is horrible, but you must protect your child. He is a walking time-bomb with that baby. When the anger, rage, control issues and so on build up...he has a built in target living in his home. Defenseless...like he was.

I don't feel comfortable leaving him with our son and try to avoid it as much as is logistically possible right now. But at core, I don't feel like he is a threat to the baby. He doesn't seem to be a pedophile and I think his rage is reserved for people with opinions that threaten him. I think he really takes solace in caring for our son because he is too young to know how sick his father is. That said, the baby's safety is my priority and I'm working to get us into a safer situation as soon as possible.

Thank you all for your help, advice and candor. I feel much better.

Divorce this man. 180 him, and don't let him anywhere near your child.

I am a month out from the SA Dday (porn, men, prostitutes - you name it), 16 months from first Dday (caught in one affair). The more I read about SA - the less I think any of them REALLY get to a point of any version of long term recovery. I am sure there are some but it seems they are less common than a true ly remorseful WS that's not a SA. I so not even come close to have my beatings yet - I thought I did but I underestimates the trauma.

If you are not yet, find a CSAT for YOU. I have seen one twice so far and she has a group of wives who have husbands that are SA's. I honestly didn't put much into it - had a few weeks total, out of control depression that I have finally started ends for.

Just know your not alone. Sadly, there are a LOT of us out here.

He feels very little empathy for anyone or anything. For instance, he hears of a woman being raped and only thinks of how the act of intercourse is "hot

Forgot to mention this. Seems like all SA's are narcissists when they are active addicts. That's what I've read anyway.

You have done a great job educating yourself on this terrible subject matter and you exhibit great clarity and a lot of good common sense. You are further ahead than a lot of us would be. My opinion is divorce and rebuild from there with your husband as you see fit. Or not if you aren't seeing what you need to see from him. To try to tackle this in any other way is going to be too overwhelming for you. He has way too many issues and a do-over would be the only way I would deal with this. I am also concerned about your son as others are. As you can see by what abuse did to your husband, you can't take these chances you seem to be contemplating. You can't undo the abuse of a child. It's a life long gamble you are taking with your son. Please reconsider your options with the view that staying is the worst option. Also consider that if something does happen to your son, you knew about the propensity for it to possibly happen, and in some states that makes you legally culpable.