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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why???
FracturedSoul
♀ New Member
Member # 41792
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this question has probably been asked a 1000 times but it is bugging me this morning. .. It is a question all BS wonder about... Why? Why do people cheat? WHY?


BS-33
FWH-33
Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 09/12/2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: South Africa
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because they' re selfish. Impulsive, and lack self control.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2212 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because they are hurt and broken, and too selfish to see the world outside of their own pain. Then when their mind starts to let them know about how wrong everything is about their actions, they pack it neatly away in a wall within themselves for as long as possible - not many can do this for more than two years before that wall starts to crumble.

It's total shit, but it's in my past, and because I have lived through this, I believe that me, my H, and all the close people that have lived through the recovery with me/us will be far far FAR less likely to make the same stupid mistake as a WS.


me, BW: 33
FWH: 34
Dday: feb 11, 2013
Dday #2: may 6, 2013
LT PA and EA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 2 and 5
Reconciling

Posts: 375 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
heartbrokeninaz
♀ Member
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are some good threads on the wayward side about why. About page 4 or 5. They give pretty good insight about why. It gave me a lot of understanding as a BS.


BW 40 (me)
WH 40
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with horseface
DDay 2 05/09/14 inappropriate texts
with another OW
One last shot

Posts: 158 | Registered: Sep 2013
FracturedSoul
♀ New Member
Member # 41792
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks heartbrokeninaz...I'll go have a look. Spent the whole day crying and feeling sorry for myself...pathetic, I know...


BS-33
FWH-33
Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 09/12/2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: South Africa
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

According to my IC people choose to have an affair when they're looking to grow.

There are thousands, if not millions, of ways to achieve that same growth by making choices other than to have an affair.

To have an affair while in a relationship that a person cares about, he or she has to be self-centered. If they think about the person they're betraying, they can't continue the affair, so they work hard at not thinking about their spouses and try to justify their horrible choices by re-imagining their marriage/relationship as much worse than it actually is.

Once in the affair, they're attractive because they offer a escape from reality. There are no bills, children or other distractions. The betrayed spouse is usually a responsible person who takes care of all that to keep their lives from falling apart, even if the betrayer seems to be disengaging more and more.

At least that's my understanding/interpretation of what I'm being told. Ultimately it comes down to extreme selfishness.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not pathetic! This is a trauma, crying is completely legitimate!

The "why" question is so hard for me as well because I am naturally a rule follower and I always consider consequences. No matter how hard I try to understand how my H could have betrayed me this way I just can't understand it. And I think that's the key, he's broken and I'm not. My way of thinking can't possibly explain his way of thinking.

Is he looking for the why? I think that's his job, not yours. If he is then let him do that hard work, if he's not then tell him he needs to.

((hugs))


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone's response.

I also think it is important to see the affair as something that didn't just happen. The word "incremental" is critical to helping understand why, IMO.

My fWH found a tremendous amount of insight by doing a life timeline with his IC. He was able to see how slowly over time he incrementally thought things, did things, avoided things that simply ripened him for an affair. His detachment from himself and from me was a slow chipping away, and not this automatic shift that said "hey, it's OK to cheat - I think I'll do that!"

For me, getting to the heart of the "WHY?" was so critical to my acceptance of what happened. I'd find myself saying, how can I accept what's happened if I don't understand why it's happened? How can I feel safe that this won't happen again if my fWH doesn't even know why he got into the mess in the first place?

Why did my H have an affair? He's uncovered lots of reasons why - none of them simple and not one thing in particular. Incrementally he made choices that eventually landed him in an affair. Sadly, there will never be a satisfactory or justifiable reason. My fWH coming to this realization added to his remorse. He now says in disbelief "I threw it all away for something so worthless and stupid!" .

I think there is some commonality among WSs, but the details are unique to each person.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People choose to cheat because they are looking to grow? I think that statement would have me looking for a new IC.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2212 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Undone1
♀ Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would change the word grow to searching for something that's missing in their lives. Instead of searching inward to evaluate why they are unhappy, they look for something external. They fail to find what is missing within and instead suave the brokenness of self with the exciting high of an A. It is extreme selfishness. Once they begin living in a fantasy world, it gets harder and harder to give that up. The question for me is why do some people need to hit rock bottom in order to move forward.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said, Undone.
"Looking to grow" does make it sound a little too positive, but I can see where it is someone looking to answer questions about themselves, especially in midlife, but by looking in totally the wrong place. Like looking for spirituality in the toaster.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1739 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because the justifications run deep. It's not until they get so bad even they can't justify it, that they can see how bad it is.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2212 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Made me smile...
Like looking for spirituality in the toaster.

[This message edited by Morhurt at 4:32 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
totalheartbreak
♂ Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ask this and "How?" about a hundred times a day.

I appreciate everyone's responses and will try to keep them in mind.

It just doesn't make any sense to me.

I accept WW is broken... But why break me/us too?!?!


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)

"Sacrifice is a choice you make, loss is a choice made for you."

"The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference."

“Courage is the price life exacts for granting peace”


Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2013
FracturedSoul
♀ New Member
Member # 41792
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the responses...makes me feel heard and appreciated...just knowing there are others like me...suffering...trying to make sense from a senseless act...

It's almost like putting a 50 000 piece puzzle together...without a picture on the box to guide you...

Anyhow, I found a thread on "I can relate"..."BS questions to former WS"...I found it very helpful...seems all BS have the same basic questions..."Why???" is just one of many.

Something else that breaks my heart...the fact that there are so many of us! Where did society go wrong??? What can we do to ensure our children don't land up in this same situation...as BS or WS???


BS-33
FWH-33
Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 09/12/2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: South Africa
33years
♀ Member
Member # 41053
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really liked the response from Undone! My WH started living in a fantasy world a few years back when he joined a cowboy gunfight group and then a civil war reenactment. Both types of historical fantasy are okay until they get to a point where you are living the dream and then wish you were someone like Wyatt Earp falling in love with his mistress. Gag....that's kinda what happened with my WH.
I do think they are basically selfish in general, but I also think it is human nature to be selfish but as humans, we should control that impulse, not let it control us.


Me (BS) 58
Him (WH) 57
DD July 10, 2013
My Motto: "I'm fairly certain that nothing anymore is certain"

Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Middle of USA
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC wanted H to concentrate on the why nots rather than the whys. Here is what we know:

My H was an incremental cheater. He did not actively look for a hook up. If the OW had walked up to him the day they met and said, "Lets f**k", he would have run like a scared rabbit. The IC said he had to be wowed , inch by inch, until one day he woke up and realized the ego strokes were good and he wanted more. And more. Then near obsession took over and he kept ignoring his inner voice. The compartmentalization, the breached boundaries, and his ego became his enemy. In order to live with himself he transferred that enemy to me. I was his adversary and the OW was his savior from such a horrid life. His internal crap escalated until boom, sex, sex, and more sex. He had convinced himself that I would not care if he left and we divorced. Then on DDay, all of the false walls came crashing down and the naked truth that he had been having a full A crushed the fantasy like a bug. At least that is what IC says.

IC also said the why or reason is not the excuse. There is no excuse for leaving a marital spouse, unaware, and bringing a third party into the marriage. Even though my H followed down a common path, he could have changed directions at anytime. He could have said no, I am not going to do his. He did not. That is why I am here, he said yes up until DDay 2.

You can therapy out the whys pretty easily. Accepting the "why nots", very hard.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, y'all.
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Lovedyoumore, Yes!!!

I slowly became the enemy to my h.

Who is also extremely selfish.

All good answers here, I can relate our situation to most everyone.

Incredibly sad though, that life becomes so broken down.

FracturedSoul, your not pathetic, your normal for this mess we're all in.

hugs,,,,,


Posts: 507 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
reallysad2012
♀ Member
Member # 37658
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spent the whole day crying and feeling sorry for myself...pathetic, I know...

Just wanted to pop in here and tell you that you are not pathetic. This is normal and you have to give yourself permission to feel how you feel. Don't be hard on yourself.

(((FracturedSoul)))


me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 19

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