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User Topic: Need advice asap -,while WH is coming to the house
Duskpearl
♀ Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Norabird - you are so right. He is so in denial that he is no longer the good guy! I am grateful to have such a loving caring family. He will have no one to turn to once this affair is done. He has lost the respect of all my family who loved him dearly & accepted him as one of their own. All he has is his 2 bit sister who he hated but they have become thick as thieves at the moment. She is on to her 3rd relationship since I have been with my H & this one is on the rocks as well so good to see he is getting good advice from her!

Still livin - i hope he is hoovering because the kitchen is closed permanently! He doesnt realise how much he has lost yet. One thing we never argued over was money. He could do what he wanted with his money (as I did with mine) we split all living expenses 50/50. It worked for us. Problem is now it seems all his money is being spent wooing her while she has probably stashed up a nice nest egg for herself since the affair.
I'm proud to say that I have kept up the NC for 2 weeks now (yes long time I know!) & have ignored his 2 text messages (one about the bins & the other about my cousin attempting to contact the OW on Facebook without my knowledge).
Funny thing is he said I have a least 6 months in the marital home before we put it on the market but alot needs to be done before then to get it in a sale able condition & typically he has done zip so far! I don't know if he is buying time or is being lazy or the OW is demanding all his time? But it is yet another contradiction of his as he wanted me out of his life ASAP so surely one would think he would want to sell the house ASAP?
Oh & the good news is that if I can get thru the next 2 weeks without NC, the 2 weeks after that will be easy as I'm going to San Diego to stay with my cousin. The change of scenery will be good for me since I am the one "stuck" in the marital home. Also a good excuse to pull a bit of cash out!

Any tips on the best way to deplete my savings other than cash withdrawals as I may have to substantiate this later.....


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gift cards with no expiration dates..If you have a family member you are taking care of, set up an account in his/her/ their name (if you can trust this person) and hide some of your money there..

When I start to earn EXTRA money, that is what I am gonna do..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Nov 2011
Duskpearl
♀ Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so I have kept up the NC for 3 weeks now & have not replied to any of his texts which basically let me know when he is coming over to the house to get the remaining crap from the garage.

I get another text on Friday letting me know that he will be at the house all weekend & Monday & Tuesday to get the remaining stuff & he apologies that it has taken so long. (nice guy)

Then I get another text today (Saturday) saying hi & to let me know that he is on his way so could I please move my car out of the driveway.

It was 10.30am & I made sure I was long gone by the time he arrived. Is it just me or was his last message a bit presumptuous that I would be at the house waiting for him. I personally did not see the need to send this message. Why not just go to the house first & then ask me to move the car IF it is actually in the driveway?

Anyway, the day ended eventfully - I stay out ALL day & come home at 7.40pm thinking he has to be gone by now. But no, he is still there!! So I drive off hoping that he does not see me BUT of course he does!

Then he sends me the following text messages (one after the other);

"I'll be finished soon what you don't want to interact with me??? I'll be back again tomorrow after 930 sorry for inconvenience"

"Also you asked me if I would text you to advise when I would be coming over so you could prepare yourself which I have done. The least you can do is respond with a simple ok will do, as I said to you last time we spoke let's remain civil to each other please."

This is then followed by 2 phone calls - which I don't answer.

He has some nerve expecting me to be civil after what he has done! I was way too friendly with him the last time I was at the house when he was. So this NC was my way of pulling back & to show him that i have moved on. I am so annoyed that he saw me drive past as now he knows that i am avoiding him & why I have not been responding to his texts. I wanted him to think we were still good without actually seeing me so that he would be caught off guard when he receives communication from a lawyer when I get one.

He either wants to remain friendly to relieve his guilt or he is worried about the financial aspects & whether I have changed my mind to go for half of his mother's property since he knows that my cousin now knows what is going on (& she has been through a divorce herself & is no pushover & he knows it).

Oh before you ask, there is no point changing the locks as even he if were to break in he has every right since he also owns the house. All valuables (including his) were out of the house the day he moved out

I'm thinking that all further communication should be via a lawyer, which he will hate as he did not want to get lawyers involved due to the cost but I guess he should of thought about that before he ran off with a she bloke!

[This message edited by Duskpearl at 6:10 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
naivegirl
♀ Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you being gone when he was there. I would be gone Sunday too. The only reply I would give hin is I am not avoiding you I'm just busy moving on with my life. I think having a lawyer get involved is a good idea. Of course he doesn't want that because a lawyer will protect you. Stay strong.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2007
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear God - what a selfish jerk!!

Throw all of his things in hefty bags and put them in the garage. Don't worry about being careful - just bag it up. Tell him he doesn't need to come in as all of his things are in the garage.

Honestly, how much stuff does he have that he needs 4 days to get it out? I can have a whole house packed in a day!! He's only taking HIS things. He's dragging his feet - so push him out - bag it up and leave it in the garage!!

On the next text, tell him to have his attorney contact yours for any further communication.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Also you asked me if I would text you to advise when I would be coming over so you could prepare yourself which I have done. The least you can do is respond with a simple ok will do, as I said to you last time we spoke let's remain civil to each other please."

grrrrr...

You did prepare yourself.... you got the heck out of Dodge.... and good on you too, why should you be expected to stand by playing nice while your husband loads up his stuff to take off into the wild blue with another woman..... Of course it's "civil" to have an affair isn't it? "Civil" to cheat, and lie and deceive.... and yet to not respond to a text isn't "civil"....

Okay... I feel better now

Honey, don't stand for this nonsense.... as said above, bag up whatever of his junk is left and stick it in the garage, or on the doorstep... and send him a brief text to say that all communication from here on will be via your lawyer, and he's not to contact you directly.

Enough is enough, and you've been treated to enough.

Stay strong, get angry, it's a really useful emotion. Hugs, lots of hugs.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Apr 2009
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The least you can do is respond with a simple ok will do, as I said to you last time we spoke let's remain civil to each other please."

Seriously!!!!

Are U effing kidding?

What an a$$hole! I am boiling angry for you.

Do not reply to this delusional cruel man.

NC all the way.

[This message edited by shiloe at 4:33 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 598 | Registered: Mar 2003
Duskpearl
♀ Member
Member # 41870
Shutup  Posted: 7:00 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we are all being too hard on the poor guy as "nothing happened until he left" (as in he moves in with her the very next day) "they were just friends & discovered that they had feelings for eachother"

He is taking so long to move his stuff out because he has so much crap in the garage as in car parts, tools etc. It took him less than a day to get his stuff out of the house. And he is spending to much time wining & dining the sloth (OW) & going for joy rides on his bike

I fly out to San Diego on Friday for 2 weeks so NC should be very easy to achieve.

Once I return any future contact will be via a lawyer. A month ago he wanted to fast track the divorce so I will grant him his wish BUT I will let him know that I will not be signing any papers unless the reason for divorce states cheating!

How I regret marrying the pig & wasting more than 12 years of my life with him! He had the nerve to say that he did not regret the 12 years but was upset that I said I did!


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
mezmer
♀ Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I relate to your situation right now. My WH forced me out of the house pack my stuff and moved me in with my adult son in another state. I filed for divorce and he ended up moving his AP to the town we lived in. They had been phone and email active, with him visiting her in our hometown for a few days here and there. He moved her here and by the end of the first week he was done with it. He broke it off with her and told her to get lost, which he promptly helped her do. During the time I was gone I had very little contact with him. When he dumped her he did come crawling back, but I had no intention of taking him back. The thing is, though, he did all the right things to show he was sincere. But I didn't try to make it easy on him. And he has toed the line. There was no damned way he was going to be fucking her and then have me yucking it up with him like we were still good buddies. He was never going to see me again after the divorce as far as I was concerned. We are R now. Have been since Sept. It's going very well. But you don't get anywhere acting like his doormat.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
Duskpearl
♀ Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mezmer - at least your H woke up after 1 week. My H has been with this she bloke for 2 months now. I have been told by many that once I have moved on he will wake up to himself. Even a reformed cheater told me this. But I could never ever trust him again & the way he has conducted himself is disgusting. He is still in the area shacked up in her dingy unit & his paying for everything! This she bloke is dog ugly & if he is happy to throw away a 10 year marriage for something this worthless proves our marriage is over. I wish only that the karma bus comes both their ways, but a bigger one for my H as his ex cheated on him & his father was also a cheat & he does this to a woman he exchanged vows with. And he refuses to acknowledge that he has done anything wrong & he wants me to be civil


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And he refuses to acknowledge that he has done anything wrong & he wants me to be civil

LOL - you wanted him to be faithful.

Seriously, no friendship. The next text about bins? Tell him he left you, the house, the bins, all of it, and you don't want him around, at all. Or, have your attorney send that note.

I hope you meet a wonderful man, I really do.

Remember, he didn't give the marriage up for her - he gave it up for his shallow, empty ego. He's the sad one here, not you. That doesn't mean you need to be nice to him - you don't.

((hugs))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Duskpearl
♀ Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painful past - thank you for your supportive reply.

I know the issue lies with him but it's hard not to blame myself.

I googled the bank account no. that he deposited an amount of money that was the same amount as a consultation to the psychic he has seen in the past & of course the bank is in the same suburb as where the psychic consults. He saw her a week before our 10 yr anniversary trip to NY (approx 2 weeks after I confronted him with the emails I found). Ironically I told him a few days before our holiday that I suspected that he had seen the psychic by the way he was talking & of course he denied it. He knows I think it is sad that he needs guidance from a psychic.

I think he may have lost the plot & is screwed up inside. He was such a genuine caring man up until the middle of last year. Not my problem any more.....


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
mezmer
♀ Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP--
Civil is not shooting his worthless ass and tanning his hide for a lampshade.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
kalimata
♂ Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duskpearl -

Your WH seems like a real POS. The fact that he waited around for you that day when you drove off after he texted you means that he really wants to see you. He is having second thoughts about choosing the OW, make no mistake. I bet that he will completely fall apart after he realizes that his new 30 year old GF is a piece of garbage.

Stay strong. Keep up the 180. He needs to see what it means to live as a single person with a new girlfriend. Showing him any sort of comfort (by responding to his texts or phone calls) affirms his need to have you in his life. Instead show him coldness and indifference.

You also need to work on yourself. Go to the gym. Work on losing some weight. Buy some new clothes. Get a new hairstyle. THIS IS FOR YOU AND YOUR SELF-ESTEEM. Plus once your POS WH sees you looking hot and sexy, he will get incredibly jealous.

Keep posting. Sending you peace and strength.............Kali


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Duskpearl
♀ Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Kali - your post has made my day! I so hope he regrets this!

It goes without saying that the GF is trash & desperate! Sorry, but when I was 30 I had no interest in 43 yr old bald men. I was able to attract men of my own age & younger! 

I am so relieved that this OW is so dissimilar to me in every way (inside & outside).  I hope it hits him that this OW would never meet with his beloved mother's approval.

I wish we could send photos on this site as she is gross & looks like a bloke, seriously. On one of their early outings (FB photos of her) she rocks up with greasy hair, no makeup, wearing a Vietnam singlet & cut off jeans - not a good look for a solid girl with toilet roll legs (& arms). The image reminded me of my uncle back in the 70's. If this is how she presents herself in the early days there is not much hope for her down the track. It repulses me! My H was always proud of me.

I've read in a few places now that the WH may end up seeing the OW as someone who has sex with another person's husband - this would be the ultimate revenge for me. As one thing my H respected me for was my morals, let's ignore the fact that he doesn't have any!

I do not need to lose anymore weight thanks to H but could benefit from toning up. And a new hairstyle, colour is on the list :)
And yes I do need some new clothes since most of them are too big now!

I can't wait until they start to argue about money as that was one thing we never argued about as we were both sensible with our money & I make enough of my own to not worry about what he spent his money on. And I wonder who will be doing ALL of the housework (not me) or pay ALL the bills (again not me).

NC is rather empowering I wish I did it earlier! Time for me to mess with his head & show him who is the weak one!


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duskpearl, it's great to hear how strong your attitude is! Knowing you come out of this looking better than ever is nice huh


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Duskpearl
♀ Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Norabird - I was so weak at the beginning but pulled myself together & realised that I am actually the strong one while he is the weak one! I said to myself if I could survive my dysfunctional childhood without turning to drugs or alcohol I can survive this! But please know that part of my coping mechanism is to outwardly portray an image of nothing is wrong - but my H does not need to know that.

Plus I have the support of a loving caring family & faith in God - he does not....


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Oftencheatedon
♀ Member
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post reminds me of what happened to a dear friend of mine. It sounds though that you are on the right path and won't make her mistakes.

Her DH left her for another woman. Same story, just friends, developed later. Ha - he'd had an affair with OW before he married my friend when she was still married to her husband.

It is now 35 years later and my poor friend is still "Best friends" with her ex. They talk on the phone multiple times a day. I know she's slept with him on occasion too.

She's now almost 70 years old and has not even had a boyfriend or a real date (and she's attractive and interesting) in these past decades.

She literally has become the OW. He married his AP. The OW is not nearly as interesting or intelligent as my friend. So he's got the best of both worlds going now.

And my friend is alone and lonely. Her children live 100s of miles away.


Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
Duskpearl
♀ Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so here is yet another update......

I had a missed call from my WH yesterday (he did not let it ring long enough to go to voice mail). Then my brother tells me that my WH emailed him the below;

"Hi X, (my brother)

Please advise Y (my sister) that the washing machine is in the garage for them to collect when they are ready. 

Thanks WH

Regards WH"

About a year ago he said my sister could have his old washing machine as he would take his mum's one.

Not sure why he could not email me or my sister but more importantly he has some nerve contacting my brother when he knows all my family are disgusted in him. It indicates to me that he is still in denial that he has done anything wrong?

I am currently in San Diego, so this may be his way of letting me know that he knows I've gone away somewhere - cat is missing (with my sister), as are the suitcases...


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who can understand their thought process? Stay detached and ignore this.

I hope you're having fun in SD! You are a happier, better person than he is, and he is feeling pathetic and trying to remind you of him is my guess--yeah, I know I just said not to bother dissecting his actions, oops! But I do think it is better to stop yourself from wondering about his motivation. No action is required of you except maybe to get out to the beach today.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
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