Thanks for all the honest replies, it helps me focus on reality!
I know his cheating should be enough for me to move on but I did not want to be yet another divorce statistic, it makes me feel like I have failed, even though he is the one who cheated.
Trying to reboot - thank you for your admiration but I don't think it's worthy as outwardly I'm portraying a stronger me but inside I am still the same betrayed person who is grieving the loss of a 10 yr marriage without the opportunity to repair it. You have given me very good advice. I have read your posts and think you are doing well & not giving yourself enough credit!
Solus Sto - You are so correct, HE left & here I am making it easy on him! Helping him to lose any guilt he may have. When I said he had lowered his standards with the OW, he had the nerve to say that he would be happy for me if I met someone. I replied & said I would be happy for you if you met her if we had broken up & we were not married. The guy has absolutely no idea & I question my sanity when I have a weak moment & want him back.
Painful past - I like your interpretation that as a BW if I remain in contact with him I end up the OW as well! Yep, he left I am gone. Time to stop wasting energy thinking about what he is doing & where I went wrong focus all my energy on the 180....
Freeme - yes, I agree I am making this too easy for him & the friendlier I am with him the easier this whole affair thing will be for him & he will not be feeling any regret what so ever!
I think my problem is kidding myself that I have moved on while hoping that he regrets what he has done & begs for my forgiveness. But that may not happen & even if it does, does he really deserve me? I know i am better than the OW, inside & out & know that i deserve better than my H but still i find this so painful. I told him I could never trust him again & he knows that. The most frustrating thing for me is that he refuses to compare himself to his cheating father as "nothing happened until he left, they were just friends, it was not planned, it just happened". He has no idea about emotional affairs or the fact that he no doubt slept with her within the first week of moving out while we are still married!
If I am to be honest with myself I know that we are better off without eachother & I am fearful of being alone. At 43, i feel too old to get back out on the dating scene. If only it happened when i was younger. It's the betrayal & rejection that hurts the most & the regret that we did not attempt to fix the 10 year marriage before he strayed. But I said to him at least I'll have no regrets down the track but he may as I wanted to try & fix the marriage, he didn't. That doubt will always be with him.
After reading the posts I realise my error of being too accessible & by me being friendly to him takes away his guilt - not what i want. I want this guilt to haunt him. But I also wanted him to see that I have changed & no longer angry like him as he said I would never change! He was angry when he arrived yesterday so i hope that is an indication of the reality he has created for himself. And me getting a car was a real eye opener for him. The shock on his face when he saw I got the car was priceless. I'm so glad I was there to see it & so was my sister in law. My family all said he would be shocked when i got the car but I did not see it as such a big deal, but it was! The next time he saw me he said none of the people he told could believe that I got a car. So here he is still talking about me to "other people", the woman he no longer wants in his life! I told him so as well.
Yesterday i told him he was complacent about life in general (he is not a doer or a leader) & he denied it. BUT just last week when I asked him why did he stay so long in an "unhappy marriage" his reply was that he was "complacent". The guy really does not know if he is Martha or Arthur! I can see in his face that he has regret & feels bad for what he has done but is still continuing the affair so the regret cannot be that strong. He has now apologised 3 times since he admitted to the affair. He said who knows if it will work out with this one but he may have been saying that for my benefit.
Supposedly all the lies he has told me have been to spare my feelings! I told him that i know so much more about his continual lies (which i do) but did not elaborate. He admitted that he can't get much past me as I'm too cluey. I took that as a compliment :)
Unfortunately, i can't stop him coming around at the moment as he is removing the rest of his belongings & he has agreed to maintain the house & get it in a saleable condition before we sell it. He would rather fix it up than for us to pay professionals.
I thank my brother for forcing me to get real & get him to get all his stuff & Harley out & stop using me & the house as a door mat. As he was spending every weekend with her shacked up in her unit in la la land while I looked after his pets. At the very least I have forced his fantasy into reality quicker than he anticipated. He now as to find time to set himself up in his mum's house, maintain our house & find time for the she bloke OW all the while working full time. He had the gall to tell me he was tired from all the running around he has been doing in the last week! He had it cushy with me as all he had to worry about was work & what to watch on tv! And he thought he was escaping such a bad life!