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User Topic: Need advice asap -,while WH is coming to the house
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think its great you took the time to write out to him what you want to say to him. But no, I don't think you should send him any letter at all. It reveals way too much, and he wont interpret it the way you are hoping he will.

As for the money he owes you, I would of course defer to your attorney's advice, but it may be easier to just forget about him paying you back what he owes and instead pursue a share of his mother's property. I cant imagine he will agree to pay you anything that he owes you, so this may be your only route to end up whole financially.

Unfortunately, since you were the primary breadwinner and paid for more stuff, its a sad thing that you most likely will get the short end of the stick in the divorce. but you know what, if that's what it takes to be free of him and move on to a happier life, so be it.

Just make sure you get a good lawyer, and leave all communication through them. I would save the letter you wrote, and maybe burn it one night. Its great to get feelings out on paper, but the end result of actually sending a letter like that usually isn't what the author would hope sadly. remember, these people are selfish and entitled - they will just read it as you being bitter and mean, and thus justifying their cheating.

You are doing so well! Just change the locks and proceed with the divorce. Continue to detach and keep NC.

Posts: 436 | Registered: Feb 2014
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Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Shining Autumn. I thought as much. I really appreciate your honest advice. I definitely want to keep up with showing him no emotion what so ever. At least writing the letter was good therapy. Besides he already knows what I think & silence is golden as they say. I just wanted to embarrass him in front of his mum's lawyer as no doubt he his lying to her & would be caught out & lose credibility. I will leave it to the lawyer to pick what bits out of it she will use. I also wanted to surprise him by letting him know that I knew the dates he was at the house, even though I was not in the country. He has no idea that the phone bills show location of call or that I still have access to his account even though it is now assigned in his name. Of course he has incurred late fees for most of his bills as I always took care of this. His credit rating will plummet before long.

The annoying thing is that I haven't always made more money than him. He made a career change. So maybe I can get the lawyer to focus on earning capacity rather current salary.

I wonder how he will feel once he finds out that I have changed the locks & he can no longer come over as he pleases to snoop. This will really hit home that this place is no longer his home. If his phone calls continue I am going to see if I can block his number.

Oh & the landline rang at midnight on Thursday night, the same night he last called me from his mobile. I may have to change the number, which is no big deal since no one ever calls the landline. Moron?

And he got her more pandora beads last thursday. Yet the following day he comes over to the house to snoop before work & come over again after work to mow the lawns! What a jerk, no shame. He wouldn't even know what pandora was if he didn't buy the charms for me as gifts. If I was the OW I would hate to receive the same gifts as the W but then again she took my H so she is used to second hand items/ideas. No scruples, either of them!

I hope karma gives them what they both deserve!

Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H sent me the below text MSG this morning;


if you are unwilling to either email me or meet with me to discuses your requirements I'll have to use my solicitor to deal with you, as you stated in a previous email this way would be costly for the both of us. You also have changed the locks on our house without notifying me you were doing so, this was done to protect your personal items in the house from removal by myself of which I have no interest in. The only question I have is how do I gain entry to our house to do the work to ready it for sale now ??? Please either call me after work or email me so we can at least get an agreement on paper signed & we can both move on with our lives. I have no interest in ripping you off as I have stated I agree to pay you what I ow you. Thanks f'wit"

I like the way he thinks he is threatening me by the use of lawyer. I passed the email on to my lawyer for her info.

I don't know whether to continue with the NC or respond by saying please provide me with your solicitors contact details so that I can pass this on to my lawyer. That way I will call his bluff & see if he responds with any details. Thing is last night I received a letter addressed to him from his mum's lawyer re him buying out the sister's share (I opened it by "accident"). So that indicates to me that he has not told this solicitor that we have separated or that they are incompetent & not updated his mailing address.
He is clearly on the out with the sister & I'm guessing it is because of the buy out figure - not as much as she was expecting. He has no one left but the OW now so I hope she gets put off by his desperate neediness.

It's also clear that he has no regrets & wants me out of his life ASAP. I know with time I will be better off without him....

Any advice on whether I should respond or continue to keep up with the NC would be appreciated.

Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so my lawyer said to respond to my H text message (posted above) with the below;

"Like you I would like this settled as quickly & amicably as possible without court intervention. 

You left me with no choice other than to contact a lawyer due to your continued untrustworthy & thieving nature. You removed expensive items from the home that you agreed both verbally & in writing that you would not remove until you paid for them.

The locks were changed as you were coming & going as you pleased without advising me, particularly when I was out of the country. You even came over before work the day you last mowed the lawns. This is an invasion of privacy. I do not come to your place of residence when no one is there to snoop. I was also concerned that strangers entered the property as some of my personal belongings are missing & the safe you removed on one of your unannounced visits requires 2 people to move.

Please provide me with your solicitor's contact details or have them contact me so that my lawyer can contact him or her directly."

What do you think? Do I break the NC to respond since not responding cost me dearly last week! Or do I let the lawyer contact his lawyer?

Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let your lawyer contact his lawyer. Your note to him gives him way too much.

"Please provide me with your solicitor's contact details so that my lawyer can contact him or her directly."

That is all that needs to be said.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Sep 2010
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Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so my H responds to my text MSG re lawyer details with the below;

Sorry Dusk It's my house as welI & I can come & go as I wish , leaving the house unattended for two weeks while you are oversees left me no option to remove my items even though I have agreed to pay for them, my solicitor advised to do this after I told him you hid my watches, I saw him on the 4th of March & yes I did go to our house when you were overseas how do you think I put it together you were gone. And I went there alone, I'm sorry you have been hurt by all this & I want it to settled honestly for both off us. I will get my solicitor to draw up my requirements & mail them to you if that's how you want to deal with things I understand.

Regards F'wit"

Like tell me what lawyer would tell his client to take expensive items from the martial home that he vacated more than 3 months ago? And the reason is laughable - because i hid his watches, puhlease! He took the pictures after I returned! And the watches are not hidden at all as they are not in the house. My brother has them as safe keeping. And the watch he is wearing he has not paid for so can get off his self righteous high horse!
Oh & like I believe that he is sorry for hurting me! All he is concerned about is whether I go his mum's property.

I still can't believe this has happened to me & I've had a sad week where all I'm doing is crying & I have to fight the tears back at work!

I feel so worthless because he left me for a fat ugly she bloke & threw away our 10 year marriage to be with her! 12 years together & no love lost on his behalf! How can I not feel like a loser! How can he move in with her 2 minutes after he leaves me & 3 months later their relationship is still going strong! We never went away for weekends together this early. It's not fair....

Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote this for another member in JFO but it seems fitting here too.

It's understandable that you feel this way but it's not true at all.
Try to understand that he is not picking her over you. He is picking running from his issues instead of facing them.

Being with you requires him to face his problems and get help. Being with her allows him to deny he has any problems.

What he has with her is not authentic. She allows his issues to continue without confrontation. The moment she starts asking too many questions or is upset by his actions she's out the door.

He is not picking her over you. You are not worthless. You are healthy enough to know what he's doing isn't right and he's running from facing that, not from you. Although if you asked him he'd blame it on you in a heartbeat. He's not well and he'll do just about anything to deny that, including blaming you for his behavior.

Honey you deserve real love. You deserve to be respected by your husband and to have a faithful partner. He's not able to be that guy right now. And until he's able to accept that he has problems and he makes the decision to face them and work on them, nothing will change.

You are not worthless. He can't stay with you because you aren't broken enough to accept his behavior. He's leaving because you are worthy.

He has to pick someone that low on the food chain in order for her to be able to look up to him and make him feel like he's great like he is. His messed up self may very well be an upgrade for her pathetic life. That's why WSs shop from the bottom of the barrel. No healthy person would put up with his shit.

DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 1859 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
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Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed -- thank you! 2years out and I still need to hear this. Thank you.

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2195 | Registered: Jan 2012
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Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks betrayed wife for your supportive words. I have never experienced such pain before! I think the rejection hurts the most. He threw me & our 10 year marriage away for trailer trash. If he loved me & was happy with me he would not have left me for her. The fact that she is so gross & unfeminine just reinforces how unhappy he was with me & how desperate he was to leave me - really good for the ego!! I just wonder why he didn't leave me years ago if he was so unhappy with me!  All the happy memories we shared seem fake now. Even our wedding, what was the point of it.

I just can't help feel that I deserve this because I have my faults & am not the easiest person to live with, but I am loving & caring & funny - all things he loved about me. I think the fact that he shares so many of the same interests with the OW made him realise that we have nothing in common.

Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go back and read what I wrote. She's not an upgrade from you as a person. He picked her because she is so messed up that it makes his life look wonderful. You require that he be honest and respectful. She does not require that from him. Without making big changes the chick that he is with is the best that he can hope for. A healthy woman will want nothing to do with him.

I'm sorry. I know it hurts. I know it feels like personal rejection. He's left your marriage how can you not feel like it's a rejection of you?

It's the same logic that is in place when people say that you had nothing to do with his affairs. That they weren't about you. To a loving and devoted spouse this seems impossible. When you take a breath and step back you'll start to see that it's all about his problems.

"Getting" that makes it a bit easier to understand. It doesn't make it hurt less. He's out the door and doesn't want to make the changes to save your marriage. That is so painful.

You have to let go that you deserved this. You know you didn't-that's why it's unacceptable to you. I'm going to assume you didn't get married 2 days after you met. He knew you when you got married. No matter what habits or routines you have that may make life difficult, he signed on to be a loyal and respectful partner to you for life. And he broke that vow.

He is also in full denial of what he's done and is doing so he will play into whatever insecurities you have to try to take the focus off of himself. He knows what upsets you, worries you, what things you struggle with. We all have these things. He knew these things because you have been married for so long. He is using these things to make you feel guilty about yourself in an effort to diminish the unacceptable things he's doing. It's an underhanded way to blame you for his behavior.

If he ran into a bank and robbed it, killing a guard-would you feel responsible for his actions? Would you believe you should be sent to jail because you somehow caused him to do it? I would guess that no, you wouldn't feel responsible for that. He obviously went off the deep end. This is no different.

DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 1859 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
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Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You should check out the book "Living and Loving After Betrayal" by Steven Stosny

I'm reading it right now as it was recommended on another forum and its quite good! We need to realize that our healing from this is OUR responsibility... not fair, but true. And the only way we can do that is to begin recognizing and living our values, not our feelings... regaining our sense of self by being authentic again... its hard when we second guess ourselves, our words, our actions because to some degree, our anger and resentment WANT to fight fire with fire... but deep down this is not who we truly ARE and we are left feeling more empty by doing so. Its a good read and helpful in regaining one's footing again.

Me:BW, 34/Him:BH, 34/ 3 boys, 5,8,12
4ddays, now Divorced
We are not in Kansas anymore

Posts: 304 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: NC
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Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a 'honey, they always affair down' thread somewhere in JFO--I'll try to find and bump it for you.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
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Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed Wife - the thing is he does blame me for what he has done. "There was too much negative energy here" He got this line straight from the psychic's mouth who he saw less than 2 weeks after I first confronted him about the "just friends" emails with his ho worker. He is so lost without the guidance from his mum. She was the only person he ever really cared about.

Yep, all faults lie with me. I was the sole cause of his unhappiness but it took the OW to make him realize how unhappy he was with me! I have no doubt that if it was not for the OW he would still be here. I'm not defending him over her just pointing out that my H is a complacent coward, who is too scared to be alone. 

He has also turned into an opportunist. He hated his sister yet they became best buddies some months before leaving me. He could count on her to support his cheating ways as she always had the next partner lined up before leaving the previous partner. But as predicted, their short lived sibling bond is already over! He is buying her out of her share in the mum's house, figure agreed & they have now served each other's purpose, so no need for the fake friendship to continue. They have not spoken in a month & after 3 or 4 calls a day for months I know for sure their relationship has soured. He know has no one to cry victim to - he cheated on me so no one else will condone his actions. He has no one else to vent to but the OW. I hope this is the beginning of the demise of their relationship, he has way too much emotional baggage & if he does not vent to her he will have to explode at some point.....not sure how long it will be before they both realize that there is more to life than joy rides on his beloved Harley....

Oh & I know for a fact that he was bluffing about seeing a lawyer as I received more correspondence yesterday from his lawyer re the mum's property. Surely he would tell them his new address if they knew we were separated. He really must be panicking about my next move since he now knows I want our finances settled by a lawyer. This was his doing. I bet he regrets taking those pictures now as it gave me a very good reason to change the locks. His anger got the better of him & he did not get a reaction out of me like he expected. He always told me cool & calm wins. Too bad he is not taking his own advice. And the fact that he told me that his solicitor told him to take the pictures because i hid the watches is pathetic & shows how he is not thinking rationally here. Oh & if he did actually see a lawyer he would know that he can not come & go as he pleases. I now see the power in offering as little information as possible. If he saw the lawyer at the beginning of the month surely I would have received something in the mail by now. The day I asked him to provide me with his lawyer's details he spoke to his old work mate (in his 50's) for over 20 minutes. I know he is panicking now. This guy does not know he is cheating, only his evil sister & one male friend know. I hope very soon he has enough rope to hang himself, this is all his doing....

And you are right he does know my insecurities and has been trying to provoke my anger by controlling me from a distance & then stealing stuff when he does not get the outcome he was after. The old me would have reacted. Then he goes back to the nice guy in his last message by saying "sorry you have been hurt by all of this". Jerk!

I think deep down he is suffering from low self esteem but portrays himself as the big man on campus. He thinks he is stronger than me emotionally because he acts as the tough guy but we I think I have shown him that I am emotionally stronger than we both gave me credit for.

Thishell - Thank you for the book recommendation. I will be sure to read it. As time goes on I realize that revenge will not give me the peace I am looking for. I will let destiny take care of that.....

Norabird - I did read that thread sometime ago & I felt better about myself momentarily :) 

Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You just keep on keeping on, seeing your lawyer, following his advice, and giving crickets to the ridiculous bull-pucky that's coming out of your WHs mouth. NC except for true discussions about asset divisions. Let your lawyer do the talking. You know that you're married to a user, so just don't go there. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
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Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I had an interesting evening. My H received the first letter from my lawyer as he called me last night (which I ignored) & then he sent me a text message saying "you'll be sorry now".

The nerve of him to threaten me after he stole the led zep pictures yet he still expects me to play fair! Self righteous B!

I went straight to the police & made out I was scared in an attempt to get a RO but they couldn't based on that text message alone. But they were going to give him a call to ask him what he meant by that comment. It's on record now & at least he now knows I mean business & that no contact means no contact!

He then sends me another message, a photo of his lawyer's details & asks me to give my solicitor his solicitor's details for all matters. Like I've only been waiting since 19 March for his lawyer's contact details!  And he saw his lawyer on 4 March & as yet has not asked them to act! I like the way he now makes out that he is the one initiating no contact now! F'wit!

Does he expect me to let him rob me blind & I still play fair? My letter is seeking half of his share in his mum's property which i said previously that I would not pursue but I told him all bets are off he took the pictures & he did so I'm only sticking to my end of the agreement.

To think I still cry over this f'wit!

I'm still worried what he means by I'll be sorry now though....

Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would save that text message and show it to your lawyer and see what she can do for you.

Personally, I don't think you are really crying over him. I think you are grieving the loss of 12 years of your life that you invested in a relationship with him which is perfectly normal.

This man has been use to having you under his thumb for 12 years. He's throwing a temper tantrum now that you are not.

I do hope you have a way of protecting yourself just in case he tries anything. He seems emotionally immature and unstable at best. You take care of you. He's grasping at straws in an attempt to get you to react the old way that he is most comfortable with. Don't give him what he wants. Keep everything going through your lawyer so that he can't try to use it against you.

BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 18 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 15 year A with my sister.

Posts: 320 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
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Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage




Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
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Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And so the texting continues.....

First one "Please return my watches to me they are mine I have bought you gifts in the past that equal what the watches are worth"

Second one "I will remove the remainder of my items from the garage the only thing in there is the EH engine on the stand & lawn mowers I will do this over the Easter long week end I will text you a day before so you don't have to be there."

Is he demented? He sends me a threatening text last night  ("you'll be sorry now") & today he asks me to return his watches!!!!! Even if he did not send the threatening text, he took items worth $7k from the home that he has not paid for because "his solicitor advised him to because I hid his watches" & even ignoring that, the watch he is currently wearing has not been paid for! 

The led zep pics are worth 3 times as much as his stupid watches! I would say we are even! 

F'wit, keeps trying to push & then cries foul play. I've had just about enough of this lunatic. If he keeps pushing I will expose his affair to his work (annonomously)  & get them to check his & the she bloke OW mobile & emails & car mileage for potential abuse.

Oh & let's not forget that he tells me to refer all matters to his lawyer yet he can still contact me!

I get that WS do not act or think logically but even by WS standards is his thinking demented? I'm seriously concerned for his lack of rational thinking or do I still not get how a WS mind operates? 

All jokes aside, his mind is scaring me........surely this can't be normal??

Furious1 - I did forward his text to my lawyer & will do the same with the above. I  agree with you. I realise that I am grieving the M rather than my H. It's such a shame to waste 12 years of your life with someone you thought you would be with forever. I keep thinking back to our wedding day & can't believe it has come to this. That my loyal faithful H who loved me so much could betray me like this. He was a good guy but he changed. But he did not have me under the thumb. He reckons he took a step back in our relationship by "letting me be the domineering" one since he was the domineering one in his previous relationship. I find that hard to believe given his mother was so domineering.  He is trying to get me to react though. My cool calm silence is killing him as it is so unlike me. While his demeanor has fluctuated from hostility & anger to apologetic to anger again.....

Last dance - no chance of me responding to any of his communication, although I have been tempted at times. I have kept this NC up since 23 Jan & only broke it one to let me him know why I changed the locks & to request his lawyer's details. I ain't turning back now

Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like the police finally contact my H. I received this very nasty text message from him this morning

"I just had the police contact me regarding threats I have made against you, let's clarify one thing now the you'll be sorry now comment is regarding to you trying to gain half of my mothers house something that we both agreed that you wouldn't do & we would both not touch each other's super I would never do anything to harm you it's not on my nature, remember I left you, it's usually the person that has been abandoned that has the evil thoughts,  but it's clear now how low you will go to prove your self the victim here. This is the last time I will contact you, I will return to the house as stated earlier to remove the Eh motor after Easter,  my solicitor will deal with you now in the future. And I will never return to the house   After 12 years of your controlling ways I'm so glad to be free of you & this phone conversation I had with constable ford proves how evil you are & how you'll try anything to get at me to strengthen your case good luck with that. Thank god we never had kids, I can only imagine how much you would have enjoyed destroying me if that had happened."

I accept controlling but I will not accept evil, that's all on him. Of course, he's the victim in all of this even though he states he has abandoned me!

I so regret wasting 12 years of my life with someone who has turned out like this.

Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh I am so sorry. That must be really hard to read.

He's got his head so far up his ass he couldn't tell a gold nugget from a load of crap so please, do not take one single iota of what he says personally.

His vitriol is a reflection of him, not you.

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