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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: This Is Too Hard
twillett333
♀ Member
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some days are better than others. I will be fine one minute and then the next I remember what he did and it feels like I'm hit by a train all over again. This is without a doubt the worst pain I have ever felt. I can't eat, can barely sleep and I have no motivation to do anything. Someone please tell me it gets better...


BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does, it really does. (((twillett)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ImEnoughForMe
♀ Member
Member # 41869
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know exactly what you mean. I am two months out from my H leaving and there was one day last week the pain eased and I could actually breathe. I remind myself of that moment and know there will be more.

(((Hugs)))


Do the best you can do until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. - Maya Angelou

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014
CATransplant
♀ Member
Member # 39567
Sad  Posted: 9:43 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twillett333,

I am sorry you are here. My heart goes out to you.

Many of us have opened a post or two with your thoughts. I wish that I could say different.


We understand your pain, thought, and feelings.

Each of our stories differ in some way, but the one thing they all have in common is that we have experienced the most devastating experience in one's married life.

You have been injured and feel every bit of the blow give you. It hurts more than anything. It will hurt for sometime.

The pain will remain with you but lessen over time. You will have moments that is not painful. Then, you will fall back to the beginning where you now dwell.

You too will ride the roller coaster (official transportation of the A spectators.) It is long and full of up's and downs. The curves can be informative and helpful. I caution you to watch out for the plunging.

The difference in the amount of pain you will feel depends on the coping you learn to prepare you for dealing with your feelings and the great support you will receive here on SI.

Again I am sorry that we meet this way and I hope that time is good to you.


Me BS
H FWS
M 3/27/12 together since 06'
A EA/PA 4/19/13/5/26/13
DD 6/12/13
Forced NC 6/13/13
MOW coworker-caught,TT for six months.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
staystrong25
♀ New Member
Member # 42120
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am there with you, it's been a year and most of the time it's fine but the thoughts are there. I hate when something triggers the thoughts, such as a picture or song. But it helps me to talk about it with him. Maybe it's wrong to do that but it helps me. I'm hoping that it geyts better to.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
twillett333
♀ Member
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your words!


BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
sparkle09
♀ Member
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im 3 weeks from D-day and I actually have moments I dont think about it and then BAM hits me like a ton a bricks and I cant breath. I will say those moments of forgetting are coming more frequently.


Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jan 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are strong enough to get through this. Hold on to the good moments when you aren't totally overwhelmed by the pain--there will be more of them. Be good and forgiving to yourself and come here often. So sorry for your heartache.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
PRNDL
♂ Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will get better!!!! I promise.

Im 9 months out an i am about 50% better.

Please hang in there. It will pass.

On another note. The thoughts of what she did was eating me alive. The images in my head, the obsessive thoughts, the constant needing to know every detail, the triggers, and so on.
Even with MC and IC I coulnt recover.

It was only when I moved out that the recovery started. I did the 180D and started detaching. I feel so much better. I left it all. The house and furniture. She can have it all. All I need is peace and to not have to answer to my thoughts regarding what she did.

Something to think about because after an A, the BS at one time believes that they can R and they put them selves in limbo and torture themselves by trying to save a marriage that has long since been over.

In my opinion, once a cheater, always a cheater. After D-day if there in an R, it just means the WS had learned how to hide the A's better.

It will pass, but you need to become independant, and that is the true test because of having to face the fear of being without you H.

Please take care of you


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It gets better-honest. Not fast, varies with person and situation,of course. A matter of months.I don't say my betrayal was worst than anyone else's. Only two years of daily lies, crass deception and meanness that I was never suppose to encounter, so the meanness was OK.After D- horrible pain and constant cycles of anger and yet somehow wanting everything to be right between us,as I thought it had been. And while I had done nothing wrong-except be faithful-such a sense,as man, of shame and utter defeat. Pain that can't really be spoke of or described.Been there.
But you are stronger than you know- you get stronger than the pain.Life is still there in daily, just every day, richness.It is waiting for you.
Seek professional help, as needed.Love those you love,they need you.Stay busy. Never blame yourself. Train yourself not to obsess.Don't despair.Life is much bigger than this current horror. My case,at six months I began to come back to life- you may be faster. I hope so.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
Slayer
♀ New Member
Member # 42138
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Hugs to you))))) I hope it gets better soon.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
totalheartbreak
♂ Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at 3 months and I'm the same way...

One hour is fine, next is completely not.

Work with your primary care doctor, get anti anxiety and anti depressants.

If they aren't helping tell your doctor. Consider sleep aids.

I'm not much better, but I am functional... For whatever that's worth.


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"
time isn't what you think it is.

Posts: 158 | Registered: Dec 2013
cosmicjoke
♀ Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

twillet, I'm sorry it's so difficult for you. I don't think anyone can (or, should) promise you that it will get better. If it does for you, then you're lucky and that's fantastic. But for me (and many others I would assume)- it never did, and never does. At least if you're in that category, you'll know you're not alone.. if it's any consolation.
I don't have any answers or promises except that if your mate is now resolved to be a new and better person and is treating you better, then that's something good you can focus on and be grateful for. The rest is your new reality that you just have to learn to live with. I didn't say 'accept' or 'resolve' because for many of us, we can't ever accept or resolve it.. but just live with it. (As if we had any other choice!) Personally, that's about all I can manage. That and focusing all my energy on not ever letting another human being screw me over- ever again.

Posts: 215 | Registered: May 2013
shatteredapart
♀ Member
Member # 41978
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{Twillett333}} You are not alone. I've been on this roller coaster rode for 4 months with a 3rd day before Christmas. It's so hard. I do have small moments where it's not on my mind but it only lasts for a couple minutes. I have constant anxiety it seems. I hope it gets better for both of us. Hang in there.


Me-BS
Him-WS
EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
hurtsobadinside
♂ Member
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twillett333

Sending you hugs and strength to get through this roller coaster ride your wayward husband bought you a ticket for without even asking you if you wanted to ride.

Im 21 mos out since dday...and I still have difficulty looking at her. Your WH is still in his fog.

Do not make any major decisions at this time.
Get into IC..and you and you alone decide if you want to R with him. Then get him into IC and then both of you into MC.

Do not ever let him know all your sources of intel. Read here in the healing library (upper left yellow tab) There is a lot of great helpful information here for you. Go to Amazon and buy some books..."Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass is very very good and highly recommended here on SI
"How to help your spouse heal from your Affair" is also very very good both for you and also for your wayward husband. So he understands the devistation he had brought into your marriage.

Post often...we are here to help you we have all went thru your pain. When you ask him WHY he did this...what did he say to himself that made it ok to do this...if any part of his answer includes another person in the explanation, he is on the wrong track..and needs to dig deeper.

He is broken and you need to decide if you want to stick around IF and only IF he is remousful and want to fix his selfishness. His "A" is all about him not you.

Any marital issues or problems that existed prior to his "A", are irrelevent at this time, they will be discussed and resolved etc AFTER the "A" is worked through. Do not let him switch this order around.

When i confronted my WW lied, TT'd and continued contact for 3 mos before final NC. Watch him..as he may go undergound. The other night i asked my WW to tell he what she sees when she looks ar herself in the mirror and she started crying and i mean really crying. I guess she has finally owned her shit.

I am sooo sorry you are here.... whatever was going on in your marriage did not deserve this outcome. There were many other ways that were moral and had ingegrity to address "issues" in your marriage. I can see he already rewrote your marital history and also lied to his AP. This is all part of the justifications they do. The swamp-gas they tell their AP and convince themselves its ok to do this.

What he did, shows he lacks boundaries, has poor or mal-adjusted coping skills/strategies and is completely selfish. Most wayward spouses never think about what to do after getting "found out" until AFTER they are "found out"

Make sure he is remoursful because you cannot R with an un-remoulsful spouse. Take you time...as he will need to detox from the AP and also come out of his FOG

Again..sending you big hugs..and strength and perseverence. I am soo sorry...

me: 59
her WW- 58
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one d-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 26 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12 (dropped 35# in those 6 weeks and was hospitalized for 2 days with severe chest pains-thought i was having a heart attack)
confronted 6 wks later
I contacted AP's faithful wife and we both kept tabs on our waywards
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 5:51 AM, January 20th (Monday)]


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
Hurthalo
♂ Member
Member # 41782
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post hurtsobad.

2.5 months out now and while I'm still angry, there are times where I am happy working with my WW towards the long road to R. The emotions in the first few weeks are bloody terrible, and far far worse than the death of a family member in my opinion.

I hope you feel better soon. I only thought today, if it all went sour tomorrow, no pain coild be worse than the post D-Day pain. I'd still be upset, but I would bounce back a lot quicker knowing the worst of dealing with my oartner's betrayal was behind me.


Forgive the unforgivable, or bear the unbearable.

Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13


Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
twillett333
♀ Member
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@hurtssobad wow! Thank you for your response. There's a lot of good info packed into it. I'm starting to be ok but I am still scared to death. I'm scared that he will run back to her, if he's texting I wonder if its her, when he takes a break at work I wonder if he is seeing her...I know it going to take time but it just sucks in the meantime. But thank you, your reply really does help.

Thanks to everyone for your response!! We are trying to work things out and we have talked more in the last couple days than we have in months. I'm not sure how things will turn out but Im hanging in there.


BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
twillett333
♀ Member
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@hurthalo You are right; I don't think anything could hurt as bad as d-day.


BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
lastdance
♀ Member
Member # 42401
Wink  Posted: 11:43 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you need to take care of yourself----eat ,rest and listen to your inner voice---LOVE YOURSELF

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
Topic Posts: 19

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