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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long term boyfriend had a one night stand
blueyellow5392
♀ New Member
Member # 42132
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to the forums and would appreciate any advice/insight! Thank you in advance.

My relationship with my boyfriend began 3 and a half years ago. We were great for the first 3. We were long distance for the second two years and then 3 years in I went to study in Mexico for the semester (this was about 6 months ago).

1 month into it and I couldn't take the long distance..I was putting a lot of pressure on him to make me happy as I unhealthily saw him as the only thing who could because I hated my roommates and had no friends in a strange, foreign country. I expected too much from our skype conversations and put a lot of pressure on him which caused us to argue. Conversations were also going dry quite quickly - we are a very physical couple who, I hate to admit, are a bit mismatched intellectually (or rather we are intelligent in different ways, he is visual and I am a word person..as this essay will demonstrate!!)

This tension on skype as well as my being settled a bit more in the country a month in (I suddenly made lots of friends very quickly) led us to break up and I convinced myself we were fundamentally incompatible. I also broke up with him on the logic that our relationship was always very intense, in each others pockets so to speak, so much so that I couldn't see it functioning if I were to distance myself from him and have a new life abroad with new friends etc, although this is a healthy way to live I now know. I didn't think I could be with him in the way our relationship 'deserved' (with the amount of intensity and time dedicated to one another) and have friends and live my life over there at the same time. This stemmed from my experience in college in the first 2 years I spent my time travelling to see him and made no friends there (so I figured I could either have a social life or a boyfriend but it's not that black and white I know). Retrospectively this was ridiculous and I am very repentant because I do love him very much, he made me happier than those fleeting friendships and new adventures ever did.

This break up period lasted 3 and a half months during which I slept with someone else a couple of times - nothing more than a superficial fling with no emotions attached - and he was going out to clubs with the intention of doing the same but didn't succeed, although he did kiss several girls. About halfway through the semester my love for him that I suppressed in order to 'get on with my new life' resurfaced more and more every day and hit me like a ton of bricks. My life there gradually became empty and surreal; I had forced all these friendships to have a great 'study abroad' experience that was nothing on the happiness I felt when I was at home with him. I began writing emails to him every day that I never ended up sending(this was about a month and a half before I was due to return home); long ones pouring my heart out and extremely repentant for the fling - I considered it cheating on him because I realized I was still in love with him. We had talked awkwardly online a couple of times and I knew he was devastated and incredibly hurt by me. My draft emails addressed this and I told him I didn't expect forgiveness but it would always be the biggest regret of my life leaving him.

I came home for Christmas and we met. I told him about the emails and he wanted me to send him all of them in one go to show him how I felt which made him very emotional. We were both very emotional - I was so sad and felt horrible knowing how much I'd hurt him and I said I deserve to be hurt and abandoned in the same way because he was so wonderful. He said he would give me another chance but we needed to take it slow/not be so intense for a while because his love for me would never go away. I also cancelled my study abroad for the next semester to be close to him - I genuinely did not want to return to a country that had turned my life upside down for the worse and made me a worse person, disregarding his feelings.

We had sex far too soon, I now know..a couple days in after getting back together because he felt very anxious to 'have' me again after somebody else had (we were each others firsts which makes it more complicated..) Christmas was great, I was so happy and I fitted back with him almost too easily. On his end it was more difficult - he loved me but couldn't trust me not to leave him again so didn't want to get too emotionally invested. After Christmas (earlier this month) he went back to college and we were apart again, although within travelling distance.

He was more and more dismissive of me, being sweet and kind one minute then backing off defensively (which I did understand to an extent) but sometimes it just bordered on being cruel to me, such as inviting me to visit and to go to a concert then retracting the invite saying I don't like the band enough so I can't come with him because he wouldn't enjoy it enough with someone who didn't know the music? And we've been to plenty of concerts where I didn't know the band and ended up having fun... He rarely complimented my appearance or me at all whilst I was overcompensating to make up for my transgression, and he was also blatantly rude about my appearance sometimes (like how I am in the morning..before he never would've insulted me) and he was more demanding sexually, telling me things he wants me to do (before in contrast he would never demand anything..I told him recently that I probably went from being 'Virgin' to 'Whore' in his eyes as he was my first.. which made him think he could make me do anything now)

He was never anything but kind and sweet to me before but I know I broke his heart...afterwards I guess it was hard to get used to this new rude side to him. I didn't mind waiting for his head to be in the right place to emotionally commit to me - I would've waited years. Things came to a head on Friday night. We spoke lovingly at 5pm, had a lovely conversation telling each other to be careful on our respective evenings out, said we missed each other (we had calls like this every night in Dec/January where we did also discuss readjusting and our issues etc but they were always in a loving, caring tone on both sides). I texted him at 3am just to see if he was ok. No response until the next morning.

He rang me to say he had slept with someone. Someone completely random in a car park outside some trashy club out of hate and anger for me, is what he said. I broke down hysterical, I couldn't believe I had been living with awful guilt of 'cheating' on him when we were broken up when in reality I played by the rules and was courteous to him. He has completely broken my trust and I feel sick. He came the 4 hour journey to see me after in tears and incredibly repentant but I just feel so embarrassed as all my friends I was with that day know what happened. I feel humiliated and rejected after I gave up a lot for him. Part of me of course blames myself - I drove him to it saying he should hurt me because I felt so guilty for what I did to him. But this shouldn't excuse disgusting drunken cheating with a stranger.

I am in two minds whether to give this another go or are we too broken to proceed?

[This message edited by blueyellow5392 at 6:37 AM, January 20th (Monday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2014
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that you're here (((blueyellow)))

First, there is a distinction between what you did and what he did. You made a decision to break up with him, and then you had sex with someone else. That is not cheating. He made a decision to have sex with someone else while he was dating you. That is cheating. So, do not compare your actions. It is not the same thing at all.

No one can tell you what to do, but it sounds like you might have a hard road ahead if you decide to stay together. He has anger and hurt over you breaking up with him, and you will now have anger and hurt over him cheating on you.

If you decide to give him another chance, look at the reading library. There's some really good articles there.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, Blueyellow, welcome. There is great support and wisdom on this site.

Second, take a deep breath, make sure you eat and drink plenty of water while you are in the early stages. It becomes very easy to ignore your bodily needs.

Finally, you do not have to make any decisions quickly. In reading your posts, I couldn't help but think you might could benefit from individual counseling (IC) over your issues you had prior to your break up, during your breakup and finally after you got back together. IC can help you work out your feelings and how to handle things. Your boyfriend could probably benefit also in his own IC.

I would definitely slow down immediately on things with your boyfriend until the two of you can work through some of these issues. You asked if things were too far gone, not if you both want to work it out. However, if his behavior continues as it is, then yes it might be too far gone.

You did not cheat. You ended your relationship with your boyfriend (BF), you then moved on to meeting other people. You were not making him promises, making him believe you were still with him. On the other hand, what he did was cheating. Until he figures that out, you will also have issues. It is not a good thing that he has been treating you poorly after you returned.

I would suggest talking to him, tell him how you feel. His actions will also tell you if he is remorseful. Right now he is regretful but it will take time to watch his actions to see if he really is remorseful and how he helps you to heal. If he is not...you know your answer.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
blueyellow5392
♀ New Member
Member # 42132
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both very much your replies were very useful.

Lonelygirl: You are right I have let go of any guilt I had because I acted properly and he didn't. I guess I just considered it that way because we had a very serious, idealistic 'forever' sort of relationship which I tainted completely, making him lose respect for what we had because it was no longer exclusive and special. He knows I have issues with the way he treated me after we got back together and promises to change, he said he will do anything and give up anything to fix us and he says he feels repulsed looking at himself in the mirror and he didn't want to hurt me, except I know that's why he did it which is the worst part. I dont understand why cheating on me has enabled him to treat me better and respect me suddenly because he couldnt before. He has always been a bit irrational and unable to look at the bigger picture of things which is why he acted so ridiculously and didn't think of the potential our relationship had. Then again he was probably just trying to get even too. He says he deserves to be as hurt as possible and wanted to see the Facebook of the guy I slept with to make him feel more pain...

Broken hearted: thank you, yes I do need to get my issues out and clear up what I feel so it might be a good idea. right now my head just wants revenge. He physically repulses me and makes me want to scream just talking to him and the only thing I want to do is sleep with someone as he did. in a twisted way I feel he's turned me into that girl he picked up as I want nothing but to just act like her...that is what he goes for now. I told him there are and have been better guys in my past that would never have done that to me so we will proceed with caution and I told him when I return to college in the fall it is very likely I could meet someone. I have also held off from sex because I can't physically touch him and told him I won't be able to for a long time.

As I said above he is remorseful and gets upset whenever I talk about moving on to better things which I feel I deserve in a way.. I go to a very high ranked school with some incredibly intelligent, interesting people with bright futures that I completely ignored in favour of him because he was always so kind, sweet and loyal to me and there for me when work was stressful or I wanted to drop out from the pressure. I always saw him as morally superior to me, he always had a good sense of right and wrong and I have a tendency to be selfish which he repressed. He brought out the best in me: my caring, unconditional love and instinct to just take care of him forever..things I don't know I could ever feel again - for him or someone else.

Is it right to feel it would be humiliating to take him back and it would mean I have little to no self respect?

[This message edited by blueyellow5392 at 6:14 AM, January 20th (Monday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2014
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I just considered it that way because we had a very serious, idealistic 'forever' sort of relationship which I tainted completely, making him lose respect for what we had because it was no longer exclusive and special.

The first thing you'll hear on here a lot is that a person cheating is due to their issues, not due to any actions that you did or didn't do. You did not cause him to cheat on you. Yes, you broke up with him. He was feeling alone and hurt. But, he had a choice. He could have dealt with that in a mature and loving way by ending the relationship with you when he realized he was having those feelings, or he could act in a hurtful way by cheating on you. That was his decision, and you did not cause it. It is not your fault.

He knows I have issues with the way he treated me after we got back together and promises to change, he said he will do anything and give up anything to fix us and he says he feels repulsed looking at himself in the mirror and he didn't want to hurt me, except I know that's why he did it which is the worst part. I dont understand why cheating on me has enabled him to treat me better and respect me suddenly because he couldnt before.

He is feeling the immediate guilt resulting from what he did. Honestly, his true feelings and emotions probably won't come out for a while. He may really feel remorseful and really start treating you better, or his old feelings of anger may resurface after the guilt lessons. Only time will be able to answer that question.

Is it right to feel it would be humiliating to take him back and it would mean I have little to no self respect?

This is the main thing I struggled with. I had many people tell me I didn't respect myself for staying with my BF after he cheated. I've learned a lot about myself in counseling though since then. To me, self-respect is loving yourself and doing what you think is the best thing for yourself. If you have a remorseful BF who you truly in your gut believes won't hurt you again, then you can stay with him and still respect yourself.

No one can tell you what to do. I think it's hard to recover from something like this, and requires work from both people. It's a deal breaker for many people, and some people are able to do it. I stayed for 9 months after I found out, and just recently walked away last week.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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