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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help "Processing"
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've got a lot of stuff running through my head this morning, so please bear with me.

I think H and I have just hit month 8, and while MC is going well, H has written a pretty thorough and very thoughtful "why/how" letter, and I feel our relationship deepening by the day, but -- there is this awful affair mountain to chip away at.

Yesterday I finally had the courage to ask a question that I had wondered since day one. Backstory: H confessed the 2 month+ A to me after I "discovered" his secret gmail account. (I didn't really know that is what I had found - but, anyway.) I was clueless, he confessed, and while I knew the email address (which was WHnameAPname@gmail.com, I always wondered what the password was. I knew it would be "significant" and hurtful, so I have put off asking.

So, I asked. And, it was "significant" (a flower that H and I have a long history with, that they saw during a secret meeting at a park) and the date they first confessed feelings for each other.

Sigh. (Wipes away a tear. Or about 100.)

I know my H had sex with another woman. I know he thought he loved her. I know that he lied to me for 2 months so he could pursue a fantasy that, for a while, made him both like the king of the world, and a huge POS. I understand that it was addictive, and he got into it and felt like he couldn't get out. I know he felt helpless and hopeless and a lot of other things, namely desperate.

But, I also know he wasn't a victim here, and what is so hurtful about this is seeing how he courted her. . . made a big deal about their special date, which is obviously one of the most horrible dates of my life. (The email account was shared.) I know there are a 100 ways he did this, and I'll never know them all. (Luckily there were no gifts or trips, etc.) He told her she was beautiful. . he propped her pathetic little ego up, just to keep the "high" going.

So, with a remorseful H, one that is clear how f-ed up he was, how do I process this, and how much of these types of details do I need to know? Is it enough just to know how he feels about it now? And how can he help, other than be truthful and hold me when I cry?

It has made my heart feel hard as stone for 24 hours, and I am just so hurt.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:43 AM, January 20th (Monday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1887 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((bionicgal))))

I don't have any answers... Just wanted to let you know I am so sorry for your pain.

I hope you find peace in your journey.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 656 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
lemony.2008
♀ Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please remember that you're only 8 months out. Even with a remorseful H, the situation is still very fresh, and feelings, raw.

I think it'd take a lot of time and eventually, acceptance. There is a difference between knowing, understanding of the situation intellectually and accepting it with your heart.

how much of these types of details do I need to know? Is it enough just to know how he feels about it now? And how can he help, other than be truthful and hold me when I cry?

For me, the need to know the details faded in time. But initially, yes, I needed to know them. I think it's important to know how you feel about the whole situation too, not just his feelings. There is healing of the relationship (which your H can contribute) and healing of yourself, which is very individual.

You're still very early in the process, so give it time and gentleness.

Sending peace and strength.


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things like this hurt me a lot too, but over time that pain did lessen.

For me I needed to know the details because my imagination was far worse. I also found that though the pain was very sharp when I'd first hear about it, it ultimately helped me process further because I wasn't constantly wondering the what's how's etc. in my head over and over. I HAD the answers.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a difference between knowing, understanding of the situation intellectually and accepting it with your heart.
Whoo. That is the truth.

I intellectualize everything....and I feel like somedays I feel like my heart has accepted it, and somedays I haven't. It ebbs and it flows related to my mood.

ETA: To be more substantive.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:14 AM, January 20th (Monday)]


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.

Posts: 2036 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Jewlz
♀ Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say that I just read this post and feel like I'm in a very similar situation. I'm 8 months out but for two months after I found out, he left to be with the OW. So, it's really been less than that and only about 2 months since he's been sort of "getting it" so it's been like I'm hurting all over. Very mixed emotions. I haven't even posted here in quite a while because I could go from the Rec to the D/S from day to day.

I'm sorry for your situation. Whenever I get new information about the A, it seems to take 2-3 days to "bounce back" from it. It hits you like a ton of bricks sometimes. I ask questions too and not really sure I want the answer.


Me = BW, 35
Him = WH, 39
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
December 2013 - in R? limbo?

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, Samantha. I can look back on other details that hurt like the dickens when I first heard them, and now are little blips, or don't hurt at all.

I wish it were my experience that my imagination was worse! Apparently I am a little self-protective in the imagination department.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1887 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're about the same distance out, and I'm still on the roller coaster too. The only thing that helps me (and just barely) is H being consistent when I'm low and trying to remember that it's a process. You have to really feel the hard stuff in order to work through it. Ugh.

When I feel "bad" I unfortunately think it will last forever. H reminds me that I will have good days again. Shows me that he's confident in my strength and in us. It helps a bit.

As for details, that's so individual. I need them. They hurt and feel awful but I'd rather know than imagine.
((Hugs))


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 904 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bionicgal, at 8 months I suspect you are still needing to know what you're up against.

For me, getting details about what took place between them was the only way I had to get a handle on the depth of their intimacy. Because my H no longer felt the way he did during the A, it's been difficult for him to convey his emotional state at the time. My chipping away at the affair mountain has been threatening, especially when I uncovered "significant" stuff, stuff that revealed just how far or deep my H went to pursue her or to maintain the relationship. Most every new discovery has added to my disbelief and pain. I know my heart would become hard and cold as a result. Probably my mind's way of self protection.

For the longest time, even though my H would reveal his disdain for the OW and would express just how f**k'd up he was, I would zero in on "but at the time, you thought this . . ./but at the time, you felt this . . ." Those were real feelings and actions. I had curiosity and disbelief over exactly what my H experienced. I think it's part of coming to terms with what's happened and feeling like you truly know everything there is to know.

I think what you are doing right now - writing about it, reaching out to others, talking with your H and allowing him to comfort you - I think all of that is how you process what's happened. Only you can determine if you need to know these things. For me, I had to have a crystal clear picture of what happened. There was no way I could go forward with questions and doubts and fears.

For two years now, my H has had to unpack the secret. There's no doubt that I've needed all the times that he said, yeah, I did those things, but it was superficial or she never saw the real me, I never was in touch with reality, I have no good memories, only shame. I've needed these two years of honesty and intimacy with him, of him saying it was never like this with her, of him saying this is exactly where I want to be, of him saying I am so sorry I did this. It's been two years of coming to terms with what he did and what that experience meant to him then and now.

You seem like a bright, authentic and courageous person, bionicgal, and you are doing all the right things to make your way through this. And that's what you have to do - you have to go through it. There are no shortcuts in grief.

I'm sorry you are hurting. (((bionicgal)))


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 192 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For two years now, my H has had to unpack the secret. There's no doubt that I've needed all the times that he said, yeah, I did those things, but it was superficial or she never saw the real me, I never was in touch with reality, I have no good memories, only shame. I've needed these two years of honesty and intimacy with him, of him saying it was never like this with her, of him saying this is exactly where I want to be, of him saying I am so sorry I did this. It's been two years of coming to terms with what he did and what that experience meant to him then and now.

This helps a lot, Kyrie. Patience appears to not be one of my virtues, and I feel like I have lived a lifetime in 8 months. Thanks for the needed perspective. And this:

You seem like a bright, authentic and courageous person, bionicgal, and you are doing all the right things to make your way through this. And that's what you have to do - you have to go through it. There are no shortcuts in grief.

made me tear up. I can't share what we are going through with many people, so hearing this even from a stranger who understands means a lot. Thank you.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1887 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
33years
♀ Member
Member # 41053
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surviving infidelity is tough and heart wrenching. I really liked Kyrie's reply and gave me food for thought. Best wishes and big hugs to you bionicgal.


Me (BS) 58
Him (WH) 57
DD July 10, 2013
My Motto: "I'm fairly certain that nothing anymore is certain"

Posts: 73 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Middle of USA
ziganska
♀ Member
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kyrie said it best. I would add that for me, knowing exactly what my H did and how he felt doing it (even if it meant hearing that he liked/enjoyed it at the time) helps me understand what I need to let go of....and him too. If your H is truly committed to R, he too has to face what he's done and sometimes saying those dreadful words aloud, especially to the person he loves and hurt the most, might have the biggest impact on him and his recovery. As much as I hate what my H did with a never ending passion, I want him to recover from what he did too, just as I want myself to heal. We can't do that without having everything out in the open.


Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, ziganska.
If your H is truly committed to R, he too has to face what he's done and sometimes saying those dreadful words aloud, especially to the person he loves and hurt the most, might have the biggest impact on him and his recovery.

I need to know, I need proof, that he truly believes that what he had with her was meaningless and false. That he can look back on his behavior and feelings and see what was really going on - nothing but a cheap and foolish game. Acknowledging this has propelled him towards greater self understanding and a desire to never be like that again.

Thoughts of him doing anything with her still creep in now and then and I do feel pain. But I'd say (at 2 yrs into R) the pain is not as intense and the duration and frequency are much less. I think it's because we both really get the fact that all of that behavior/feeling was stupid, mis-guided and short-lived. It really happened, but it was not real. Plus, our significant work over the last two years and the intimacy created as we have held each other through the devastation, all of that just overshadows and belittles the A and reinforces how silly it was.

Over time, I am seeing his initial remorse grow from a sort of static, one-dimensional feeling into a complex assortment of feelings/beliefs that are motivating him to overcome his once pathetic self and become a better man.

The whole flower thing sucks, bionicgal. It really does. And yes, it is just one of a 100 misguided ways he used to pursue her -- to latch on to something that would make him feel good or desired or powerful or whatever. But in reality, none of those things are truly significant. The only significance is that he attempted these things in the first place. They're all expressions of a broken and lost soul trying to perpetuate a fantasy.(IMO)


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 192 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kept asking trying to make sense out of nonsense. Now, I still ask sometimes to remind myself it really was nonsense.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 14

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