Last week he was expecting a new computer from his employer that was coming via a transporation company that he knew he had to sign for. I called him mid morning to see if the computer came. His reply, no I was outside and so it will be delivered tomorrow.
I thought that was strange because I knew the dogs would bark if they heard the doorbell. When I questioned him further, then he tells me well I was at the rec center. Asked him why would he would have left since he knew the computer was coming and he knew it would be a morning delivery. That is all he had to say in the 1st place, I was at the rec center.
Saturday evening, we had a cocktail and I thought the martini shaker was empty. I was in the other room and I heard the liquor bottle clink. When I came back in the room, his glass was full again making it drink #3, (and no he did not offer me a refill, btw), so I asked why he had to add more vodka.
He says” I didn't I was cleaning up” however, he had cleaned up the kitchen on the 2nd refill.
He says he has not had an affair, how am supposed to believe that when he lies about the simplest things?
I just want to scream.. I don't know what to do anymore. For the most part, I usually am able to catch him in the lie and he knows that.
I just want to bang my head against the wall.
When will it stop!!!!
I'm not sure if it will stop.
Facing the same thing myself.
Lies over stupid shit that doesnt matter.
If they'll lie over stupid shit, they'll lie about anything right??
That's how i feel anyways. Seems logical.
It doesnt bode well for us.
I have started to detach myself from him as best i can. Lies hurt and i want no more.
Going through the same thing. I just don't get it. He will lie over the smallest thing. And he just.won't.stop.
The lies have killed this marriage. Not playing the 21 question game. Or in his case ask the right question and get the right answer. Its exhausting. Just can't be with someone I don't trust.
[This message edited by Dobegirl at 4:40 PM, January 20th (Monday)]
Understanding WHY he lies is secondary. If he's not working on it, there's nothing you can you to "get" him to stop.
Start working on what you need to live the life that will make you the healthiest and happiest.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
I had proof of something, and he just looked me in the eyes and lovingly lied.
Lonley, are we with the same person? I've had that look alot.
Thanks for all the replies.
He apologized yesterday, but we will probably be going thru the same thing within a few days.
We take 1 step forward and 2 steps back.
My WH lied when we reconciled about his past. thought the past could be in the past. But it was the white lies that drew out the past because I couldnt trust him when he would lie to me about smoking a cigarette or actually being on a conference call when he was just scrolling through ESPN website
It has come to the point where if I dont already know the answer to a question. I dont ask because I know she will lie. This kinda limits conversation.
These days I don't know how much he lies. I am not catching him any. Sometimes I don't know to ask the right question, so I don't get told up front. Though if I DO think to ask, he tells the truth. He says he is not lying. Ok, he is NOT sharing what should be shared without asking.
Not a lie, technically.
I have gone completely insane from it. He is furious about the constant questioning, says he is hiding nothing, that he is tired of all of the blame and at this point said flat out he is not to blame for my demons, and if I want a relationship with him, then all of the BLAMING stops because he doesn't want to be with a person who is so upset and BLAMING all the time.
Lies, blame, denial. It's all the same old crap to me.
In our case, I almost think it's because he is so used to lying about so many things, anyway, it's easier to just keep lying.
We both take the same pain medication and I have to beg my doctor to get them, and his gives them out like the are TicTacs. But mine are always missing. But he never has taken any of them. After the first time a bottle of 100 was nearly gone before I even opened it myself, I tried to explain that if he needs mine, I don't care, just to at least let me know. He refuses to be bothered. Each time there is a lie of any type and no matter how big, it's like another gash right through me. I don't know, maybe it's also because they are so self-centered and thik since the world revolves around them there is no need to tell the truth.
So sorry for you, DLP50!!!
It stops when you draw the line and make a stand for yourself. You have proven that he lies and lies. Now the choice is yours - stay with a liar or remove yourself from the situation.
That's the point that I reached. I told him beginning of November that if he lied about anything, I was done. Last week I went on his computer and found a hidden file. I asked him if he had any hidden files on his computer. He said no. The next night I went back on the computer, and the file was gone. I asked him if he had deleted any files in the past month. He looked me straight in the eyes and said no. Then the day after that he got upset at me asking so many questions, and said that my questions were making him distant. So, I confronted him that night and ended the relationship. If I hadn't seen that file with my own eyes, I would have believed him. I honestly cannot tell the difference in him when he's telling the truth versus when he's lying. And I just can't live like that.
Sad. He used to be SO against lying and SO into the truth and honesty.
I don't know what has happened to him. It's sad to watch. It breaks my heart.
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.
Colossians 3:25 : Anyone who do
Here is the info on why I believe he has had an A.
There are just to many red flags in my opinion.
Not to mention how distant he was.
When I have confronted about the what is listed belows, he lies....
Receipts for meals for 2 people, phone records show a lot of “unavailable numbers” and voicemails late at night and very early in the mornings. Unfortunately when there is a voicemail left, his carrier does not show the number that called.
Excessive mileage, excessive texting (his carrier only lists number of texts, does not show the number that was to or from). And of course, the texts are no longer in his phone. Always had his work phone with him and was always checking it.
He was leaving for a red eye flight on a Sunday night and he was checking his Blackberry on Saturday night every 5 minutes. I asked why he was checking his phone on a becuase who would be sending work emails at 9pm on a weekend?
Excessive out of town travel and a lot of “last minute” trips. The last 2-3 years he was gone almost 3 weeks out of the month. In 2013, he was home more than he has been for a long time. So I’m guessing the A is over or just really slowed down.
When I asked to look at his work emails, 2 weeks later, he gave me his computer. More than enough time for him to delete, delete, delete. He works from home and when I would walk into his office, he would immediately minimize the screen on his computer.
I have told him that I will not stand for the continued lying and that I will leave. I just need to get my ducks in a row before that can happen.
[This message edited by DLP50 at 7:44 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]
I used to lie a lot. A LOT. Well before my A, I lied about little things, usually revolving around food because I didn't want to tell my H I hadn't eaten that day. He'd make me eat something if I hadn't eaten, and I hate eating when I'm not hungry. I'd lie about money I spent or where or when I spent it. I'd retell things I'd witnessed or experienced and embellish the details to make the story more interesting, things like that.
Then I cheated. And I lied, of course. I lied about everything, every stupid thing you can imagine lying about with regard to an A, I lied about. I even made up acts that never happened simply because my H believed it so completely that I just wanted him off my back about it. Then I took the lies back. Then I made up new ones.
Finally, FINALLY, after about eight months of this, arguments, long drives to "get it all out," being kicked out, asked home, kicked out again, ultimatums, "one more lie and it's over" (and some getting smacked around quite a bit, different story for a different thread), I sat down and wrote out my timeline. It took me a good two weeks to write it correctly. I sat down with a calendar and my bank records and wrote it out week by week as best I could by that point, in as much excruciating detail as I could possibly remember because, by that point, every detail had become a major detail because of my lies.
I realized then that I had to stop lying, not even just to save my marriage but to clense my soul. I *wanted* to be an honest, authentic person. I started making the choice every single day, with every interaction I had with people, to be honest. Now obviously I don't go blasting my personal issues to all and sundry, but I don't lie, I don't deceive.
I'm not going to say I haven't lied since writing that timeline years ago; of course I have, a handful of times. I've been caught out every single time, and every single time has nearly ended my marriage. I haven't lied to my H in years. It's no longer my first instinct when being asked a question. With the public, it's case-by-case; if it pertains to my personal life, I'll usually just say that I don't want to talk about it. When my H was beating me, I lied about the bruises, but again, another story for another time.
As to why, well, from my experience, it all comes down to fear. I once had an intense phobia of confrontation. I was a people-pleaser, saying whatever I thought the people around me wanted to hear to avoid rocking the boat. I desperately wanted people to like me and see me as someone they wanted to be friends with. Your H lied about being out of the house because he knew you would question his personal responsibility and good common sense for being gone while expecting a package. He didn't want to be called to mat for it. He lied about the cocktail because he didn't want to feel shitty for not offering you a refill before himself.
Lying is all about fullfilling one's perception of onesself. If the liar doesn't believe the lie first and foremost, no one else will.
Unfortunately I can't tell you what finally got through to me. I think I just grew up. I was very young when I met my H, too young to be in such a serious relationship, actually (there's a bit of an age difference between us), and I had no "real world" experience. I had never suffered consequences for anything because I was always so good growing up. My people-pleasing ways kept me out of trouble my entire life so I never really grew past the "staying out of trouble" part of emotional development. While I regret my infidelity with every fiber of my being, I'm very grateful for the growth and learning I experienced in its aftermath. I think I may have finally reached my chronological age emotionally.
I'm sorry, I know this was horribly long. Your post just spoke to me, and I wanted to offer my thoughts. Again, if it's inappropriate for me to post on this thred, I'm very sorry.
Best of luck to you.
Thank you so much for your reply, no apologies needed.
H is much like you and avoids conflict like the plague and a people pleaser. A lot of that has to do with is FOO more specifically his mother, she was a real piece of work. When a discussion has taken place between us that he doesn't like, he just shuts down and that part just drives me insane!
Sunday morning when we got up after the cocktail issue Saturday evening, we didn't speak for probably an hour or more. It wasn't until I finally said something to him that he started to talk.
MadnessMuse, I truly appreciate your post for understanding why someone would lie about something inconsequential in the first place. Where I get hung up is learning from the consequences of the lies. Where telling the truth may have a consequence of mild and momentary irritation from your spouse, the consequence of telling the lie and having it uncovered is one hundredfold - anger, tears, further erosion of trust or an end to the M altogether.
How many times does the person who lies about everything/nothing need to witness the increased consequences to themselves before they learn the truth is the easier path on them?
Lies that are excused by the liar as told to not hurt the person lied to. Those lies are insidious and awful and is a horrible thing to do to another person.
All lies (IMO) are about control. Controlling others actions. Controlling others views and opinion of the liar.
You dont lie like this to a person you actually care for.