[This message edited by naivewife at 11:41 AM, January 20th (Monday)]
I can't grasp this either. My WH has said the same thing, as well as that he "didn't consider" how I would feel because he never considered the possibility of the A being revealed. He also says he never allowed himself to "go there in his thoughts" because he didn't want to have to "do" anything about it. He claims that he didn't allow himself to even acknowledge that he was cheating on me.
Sounds bizarre, I know. My WH will even admit it is bizarre and schizophrenic in the way he compartmentalized.
I understand it intellectually, but emotionally I find it very difficult to believe.
It may have something to do with believing that we know someone very well and attributing characteristics to them ( honesty, dependability, faithfulness, morality) because we want to believe that they possess them.
The actions of someone who betrays us just don't seem to fit with the characters we have created for them.
He knew it would hurt, hurt badly.
That's why affairs are kept secret.
I think it's more that most of them don't think they will get caught, so taking the time to really consider how much pain they would be causing wasn't even on their radar.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
The *that bad* part… But he knew it would hurt you *at all*, period, so why do it in the first place?
Yeah, cuz you get to decide how bad it's ok for me to hurt.
"There was no room at the center of the universe for you. Just me."
I edit, therefore I am.
There are two parts, I think:
First, as someone else stated, most of us WS's are masters of compartmentalization. I am so used to stuffing feelings down that it is hard for me to imagine the depths other people are capable of feeling. I hate it, wish I could change it, but I'm wired that way, at least for now. I have hopes that therapy etc. will help.
Second, the marriage before the A had problems with our attachment to each other for many years. H had FOO issues that made it neccessary for him to stay detached and not expose his feelings, even to me. I really didn't feel like I mattered enough to him for anything I did to really wound him. Now I see how wrong I was, but I didn't then. Again, please don't take as an excuse. I saw and did everything through a very damaged mindset and coping skills.
He will need to go through this justifying phase until he does grow up because he has been caught red-handed and knows there is NO excuse.
Hope this works out for you honey, take care of yourself.
WH has claimed that if he had understood what the fallout would be he hopes he wouldn't have done it.
I remind him that regardless of the pain for me, what about his own sin/morality? He should have been better to his own soul too. This is why they need to go to IC or if that is impossible, they need to do some heavy self examination to become a better person for themselves too. Become a better man, or a better woman, if you will, regardless of R possibility.
Unlike your H, mine scores appalling low on the empathy test his IC gave him. But like your H, mine was aways sort of shy and not a flirt.
(t/j- other ridiculous statements have come in referencing OW: "She was on a mission!" Talk about not owning your own $#^+!)
My WH was painfully aware of his father's exploits, and and was even dragged in the family car along with his sisters while his mother collected up their wayward father from a girlfrend's house one night. He had always indicated to me that this was all so unacceptable to him. So I was shocked when WH went out of town and-bam!
None of it makes sense to us. We don't think that way.
He said he KNEW it was deal breaker in our marriage.
She said that during an MC session as though I would take some sort of comfort from it. Yeah, that's one of the stupidest things I'll ever hear in my entire life.
I guess if you're going to hurt someone and don't want to just accept that you're OK with hurting people for your pleasure any excuse will do.
We discussed today how big a thing it was. I tried to pick a fight to tell him how hurt I was, two years later. He didn't engage and I went to therapy.
I guess the one thing about being a MH is that you do understand the hurt. So, he did know what it felt like and did it to me. Message received loud and clear!
[This message edited by rachelc at 4:24 PM, January 20th (Monday)]
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
That's why affairs are kept secret.