I didn't know how much this would devastate me either. I should have known, because my WH#1 did the same thing. I just found out a lot sooner and I was much younger. I kicked him out and bounced back much quicker.
Even WH#2 had been cheated on in his first marriage but said that he didn't know how much I would be hurt.
this stuff is so crazy.
I didnt know it would hurt and devastate me so much either.
Maybe what they mean and cant really express is "I didnt know it would so totally change and damage our life forever".
There was some discussion in the thread about empathy; for me I don’t think it was an inability to empathize, but rather a choice not to empathize. A choice to focus on myself and ignore what others would feel. I realize that making the choice is worse than being incapable. Being incapable of empathy is a sickness. Choosing not to empathize, when you can, is cruel, or perhaps both cowardly and cruel.
I’m not yet at the point where I fully understand how I got to this place where I was so selfishly cruel. I don't have answers to it all at this point, so there's no grand conclusion here. Just some thoughts on where my mindset was at the time.
I've heard the same thing and i call bullshit.
I even found text exchanges that describe "not wanting to hurt anybody"... and "this has potential to be disastrous."
NO DUH... and yet... it still happened and you (WSs) went along with it.
I no longer wish to understand this. I am proud I am not like this.
I will always keep my partners interests in line with mine... how arrogant.
"Sacrifice is a choice you make, loss is a choice made for you."
"The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference."
“Courage is the price life exacts for granting peace”
I also had a dream once that H cheated and I was sobbing in my dream and woke up with my heart pounding and I was shaking and terrified. But what really shocked me when I woke up was how UPSET I was in the dream! That really surprised me AND confused me. I know that sounds weird...
And even with all that, I still can't imagine my wh would be THAT hurt if I cheated!? I know that sounds impossible, but I really can't imagine it. And I think I have quite a bit of empathy, I'm constantly putting myself in other people's shoes. So, I do think it's possible he really had no conception of the pain it would really cause...
Wife is a compartmentalizer and feeling stuffer from her childhood....her sister is too. So I think that is part of it...at least at first. She simply never spent time thinking about me, our M, or our family....her affair was like a second life,,,,,period. She would start it after she dropped our girls off....and end it after she had her fix for the day.....and then sneak a little piece of it at night as she texted him rapid-fire style while I and our girls were asleep.
Then, she saw how devastated as I was....but played it off as she was just hurting me....she would NEVER do ANYTHING to hurt our girls. And even the hurt I was feeling and expressing was water off a ducks back....she reasoned that she never really did bond with me. I saw emails listing all of my faults....justifications why that, sure adultery is bad and I am sorry (regret) but my M was dead anyway (no remorse). I have to admit our bond was not healthy. BOTH of our FOO issues silently derailed true intimate bonding from happening.....so I am no saint, but I also did not cheat.
This NO IDEA, NO CARING phase lasted about 6 months start to finish....have no idea how I made it through that period other than God helped me tremendously.
Finally, my wife started to feel some remorse....started to really look at what she had done and reduced the justifications as to why.
I would say at about 12 months much of this NO IDEA, NO CARING phase was ended.
The deal is....there are still consequences to those actions.
The whole affairs-start-innocently phase? It held water up until my first DD....after that it was nothing but intentional actions done by my wife to do nothing but fulfill what appeared to be an insatiable hunger for adultery. Actually, she was forced into a crash diet of no adultery when her fAP dumped her. A fact I was really concerned about at first....but my concern has diminished over time. My concern, of course, was that the world is a buffet for those desiring affairs.....dime a dozen, or cheaper depending on whose stats you choose and if you want to take out a month subscription to AshleyMadison.
I have accepted my past. I have forgiven my wife. I am working through the pain still.
To tell you the truth.....I personally had no idea just how hurt I was...I am hoping that at 17 months out I have a pretty good grasp of the hurt....but I am open to the fact that I don't yet know.
God help us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:17 PM, January 20th (Monday)]
I did not even date for years after being betrayed so badly (there are actually a couple of more). I've told my current DH all of this. So he'd better not 1) ever cheat or 2) try to say he didn't know it would hurt me.
His ex wife did cheat on him. It was no big deal to him as he'd only married her when she got knocked up from a ONS.
My WH, like yours, is remorseful and is doing all he can to make amends. But it doesn't make the pain any less.
[This message edited by Betrayed67 at 9:52 PM, January 20th (Monday)]
My WW has FOO issues, she can't say how she is feeling, always faking that she is happy. So I guess that she couldn't empathize as she can't even know how she feels.
Turns out I am far stronger than I thought I was. (And, I still love him. I guess I really meant for better, or for worse.)
I edit, therefore I am.
The truth is they are only thinking about themselves in the first place so whether or not they knew we would be hurt is irrelevant. They didn't care.
Although I must say, I never imagined this would hurt this bad. Six months out and I still have the pain in my chest.
"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown
Sounds harsh but I think it's true.
With this being said, once they "get it" they understand the pain their actions caused. It takes time..........
Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)
Instead of trying to make sense out of all the non-sense, what do you need today to help you feel better (besides never having to face infidelity...)? How can you be a comfort to yourself to heal your pain? How can you take care of yourself today? What does naivewife need today?
Sometimes, we need a shift in focus so that we don't spiral down. It is his work to figure out his affair, let him do it. Your work now is to love yourself, heal yourself, and focus on taking care of you.
It makes me angry just thinking about how my husband threatened to divorce me for going to scubadiving with a group of instructors that were both male and female. He was jealous of one of the guys for no reason at all. I even invited my husband to come with us on the boat since he doesn't dive. He was so upset about it so I decided not to go because it wasn't worth it. My marriage was more important than diving. All the while he was running around at night with his "employee" while I was at home asleep.
And I don't like the word compartmentalize. They did what they did, ignored everything else, knowing full well, their betrayed spouse would be devastated, their marriages compromised once they get/got caught. Then tell us how much they love/loved us the whole time they were cheating. Is that how you show someone you love them you sleep with someone else's wife/husband?
This was someone I trusted with my whole heart an soul, and he broke it. How do you ever trust again?
We have been in therapy for years. and I'm still struggling with the hurt and sadness he has brought to my life. Does anyone else feel this
way? When does the hurt go away? When I leave him?
My H said that, and my answer was:
“Really? You REALLY had no idea I would be hurt?
If you truly had no idea I would be so hurt and angry, why did you hide it from me?
You ‘didn’t know’ that I would be upset- so tell me, why did you go OUT OF YOUR WAY to lie, come up with excuses, sneak around, cover your tracks, and manipulate me?”
What he means is that he never meant to hurt you BECAUSE HE NEVER MEANT FOR YOU TO FIND OUT.
I’m sorry, that is not remorseful. It is another excuse and another lie.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
I've come to think of FWH's affair much as us traveling in a car - with him at the wheel and driving recklessly. We were both at risk - and perhaps in risking himself, he was unable to fully recognize how he was risking me. His "driving" was a form of emotional suicide - and we can all understand that highest regard is not given to the survivors.
So when the car crashed, what he wasn't prepared for is that *I* would be the one to lose both my legs. Not just that that could happen. Of course anyone could reason out such as a potential outcome. What he wasn't prepared for - what none of us were prepared for - is just exactly how LIFE changing that would be. It's one thing to try to imagine it. It's another thing to actually have to experience it and then learn how to live with those changes.
Though profoundly unsatisfying, the "I didn't know how much..." is actually quite true. Yes, perhaps they really didn't even think about it - and certainly not to the degree that could have resulted in different choices. But there really is a shock in the aftermath - even we BSs are having a hard time not just processing it and adjusting, but also understanding our own dismay at how all encompassing it is. This ignorance/lack of foresight is both Life's gift and her curse.
[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 5:36 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]