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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: "I had no idea it would hurt you that bad." WS's welcome!
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scubachick is so right here.

I didn't know how much this would devastate me either. I should have known, because my WH#1 did the same thing. I just found out a lot sooner and I was much younger. I kicked him out and bounced back much quicker.

Even WH#2 had been cheated on in his first marriage but said that he didn't know how much I would be hurt.

this stuff is so crazy.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 764 | Registered: Feb 2012
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good point Scubachick,

I didnt know it would hurt and devastate me so much either.

Maybe what they mean and cant really express is "I didnt know it would so totally change and damage our life forever".


Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
PrideFallen
♂ Member
Member # 42002
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One WS point of view Ė and Iím speaking here simply for myself; I wonít claim to generalize for others. For me, the statement that ďI had no ideaĒ wasnít quite true. Obviously, I had an idea. I didnít focus on it, though; I didnít really give it consideration. The degree of selfishness involved was staggering, and Iím still processing just how I got to that point and that it was really me. The result was that I didnít, in fact, grasp the depth of the pain, but that was due to my living in selfish la-la land and not exploring what my BW might feel.

There was some discussion in the thread about empathy; for me I donít think it was an inability to empathize, but rather a choice not to empathize. A choice to focus on myself and ignore what others would feel. I realize that making the choice is worse than being incapable. Being incapable of empathy is a sickness. Choosing not to empathize, when you can, is cruel, or perhaps both cowardly and cruel.

Iím not yet at the point where I fully understand how I got to this place where I was so selfishly cruel. I don't have answers to it all at this point, so there's no grand conclusion here. Just some thoughts on where my mindset was at the time.


Me: WH, 40
Her: BW, 40
D-Day June 2013
Working on R

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2014
totalheartbreak
♂ Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've heard the same thing and i call bullshit.

^THIS.

I even found text exchanges that describe "not wanting to hurt anybody"... and "this has potential to be disastrous."

NO DUH... and yet... it still happened and you (WSs) went along with it.

I no longer wish to understand this. I am proud I am not like this.

I will always keep my partners interests in line with mine... how arrogant.


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"

Posts: 147 | Registered: Dec 2013
OnTilt
♀ Member
Member # 34140
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly had NO idea before that it would hurt me so much. We all have had times where we imagine how we would feel, and for me there was NO comparison to the real thing. I just thought I would sad, angry hurt. I never imagined the wide array of such different and strong emotions and bouncing back and forth between them. Really, my imagination was nowhere near the real thing!

I also had a dream once that H cheated and I was sobbing in my dream and woke up with my heart pounding and I was shaking and terrified. But what really shocked me when I woke up was how UPSET I was in the dream! That really surprised me AND confused me. I know that sounds weird...

And even with all that, I still can't imagine my wh would be THAT hurt if I cheated!? I know that sounds impossible, but I really can't imagine it. And I think I have quite a bit of empathy, I'm constantly putting myself in other people's shoes. So, I do think it's possible he really had no conception of the pain it would really cause...


BS(Me), WH(Him) in our 50's
Status: I'm giving up on him

Posts: 379 | Registered: Dec 2011
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel this post....

Wife is a compartmentalizer and feeling stuffer from her childhood....her sister is too. So I think that is part of it...at least at first. She simply never spent time thinking about me, our M, or our family....her affair was like a second life,,,,,period. She would start it after she dropped our girls off....and end it after she had her fix for the day.....and then sneak a little piece of it at night as she texted him rapid-fire style while I and our girls were asleep.

Then, she saw how devastated as I was....but played it off as she was just hurting me....she would NEVER do ANYTHING to hurt our girls. And even the hurt I was feeling and expressing was water off a ducks back....she reasoned that she never really did bond with me. I saw emails listing all of my faults....justifications why that, sure adultery is bad and I am sorry (regret) but my M was dead anyway (no remorse). I have to admit our bond was not healthy. BOTH of our FOO issues silently derailed true intimate bonding from happening.....so I am no saint, but I also did not cheat.

This NO IDEA, NO CARING phase lasted about 6 months start to finish....have no idea how I made it through that period other than God helped me tremendously.

Finally, my wife started to feel some remorse....started to really look at what she had done and reduced the justifications as to why.


I would say at about 12 months much of this NO IDEA, NO CARING phase was ended.


The deal is....there are still consequences to those actions.

The whole affairs-start-innocently phase? It held water up until my first DD....after that it was nothing but intentional actions done by my wife to do nothing but fulfill what appeared to be an insatiable hunger for adultery. Actually, she was forced into a crash diet of no adultery when her fAP dumped her. A fact I was really concerned about at first....but my concern has diminished over time. My concern, of course, was that the world is a buffet for those desiring affairs.....dime a dozen, or cheaper depending on whose stats you choose and if you want to take out a month subscription to AshleyMadison.

I have accepted my past. I have forgiven my wife. I am working through the pain still.

To tell you the truth.....I personally had no idea just how hurt I was...I am hoping that at 17 months out I have a pretty good grasp of the hurt....but I am open to the fact that I don't yet know.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:17 PM, January 20th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3682 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Oftencheatedon
♀ Member
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had some terrible relationships with cheating. The worst one was the ex that married someone else 6 weeks before our wedding. The second worst was the guy that spent a wonderful loving weekend with me the week before he announced his engagement. Not sure who he cheated on - her or me? I was devastated from both as both were long term many year relationships.

I did not even date for years after being betrayed so badly (there are actually a couple of more). I've told my current DH all of this. So he'd better not 1) ever cheat or 2) try to say he didn't know it would hurt me.

His ex wife did cheat on him. It was no big deal to him as he'd only married her when she got knocked up from a ONS.


Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
Betrayed67
♀ Member
Member # 38134
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH told me he didn't expect me to get hurt that bad (WTH??) He obviously wasn't banking on getting caught, but he got caught so the aftermath he wasn't expecting occurred. He said that the pain he saw in me on DDay1(and the various DDays thereafter) was excruciating and the realization that he responsible for it made him feel so guilty.

My WH, like yours, is remorseful and is doing all he can to make amends. But it doesn't make the pain any less.

[This message edited by Betrayed67 at 9:52 PM, January 20th (Monday)]


Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
Married 13years
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like scubachick, I didn't even realize how painful it would be to be a BS. I thought I was stronger, thought my self esteem was fantastic. I also thought I'd be better able to separate his poor choices from me, ie him making the decision to cheat isn't a reflection of me. This experience has simply just shattered me, and just now at 2 years out I'm picking up the pieces and finally at some level feeling okay about who I am again. That doesn't mean I can really trust anyone yet, but I am starting to be okay in my own choices.
My XH choses the least painful path in most areas of his life, FOO in my opinion. Therefore, how could I have expected him to feel the depth of this? I don't think that would be possible.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW said that "I knew it would hurt you, this is why I kept it secret. However, I didn't thought it would hurt you that bad".

My WW has FOO issues, she can't say how she is feeling, always faking that she is happy. So I guess that she couldn't empathize as she can't even know how she feels.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am kind of the opposite of some of the BSs here - it is excruciating - yes. I couldn't have imagined the pain - however, on another level, I thought it would level me, and crush my love for my husband.

Turns out I am far stronger than I thought I was. (And, I still love him. I guess I really meant for better, or for worse.)


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH knew how bad it would hurt me which is why he kept it hidden. He even told me he didn't confess because he was afraid to lose me.

The truth is they are only thinking about themselves in the first place so whether or not they knew we would be hurt is irrelevant. They didn't care.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
LetMeRollIt
♂ Member
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW said the same thing many times. Even said she was sure i always knew and didn't care.

Although I must say, I never imagined this would hurt this bad. Six months out and I still have the pain in my chest.


D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown


Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Coachdig10
♂ Member
Member # 41706
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my WW didn't think I would find out, although I was close many times. I also think she thought I didn't care about her very much so it wouldn't hurt me. That was my fault for not showing her as much love as she needed. But it is the most painful experience of my life.


BS- 42
WS- 36
Married 16
Kids- 3
DDay 1/17/13

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: California
ladya
♀ Member
Member # 29184
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWS has said this as well. I think we need to remember they did not have an affair and think about anyone but themselves and the AP. They don't have an affair and think about getting caught. No one else matters during this time.

Sounds harsh but I think it's true.

With this being said, once they "get it" they understand the pain their actions caused. It takes time..........


Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids

Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)


Posts: 883 | Registered: Jul 2010
lemony.2008
♀ Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((naivewife))))

Instead of trying to make sense out of all the non-sense, what do you need today to help you feel better (besides never having to face infidelity...)? How can you be a comfort to yourself to heal your pain? How can you take care of yourself today? What does naivewife need today?

Sometimes, we need a shift in focus so that we don't spiral down. It is his work to figure out his affair, let him do it. Your work now is to love yourself, heal yourself, and focus on taking care of you.


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep reading how the WS never thought the BS would find out and that freaks me out. My WH would have kept this secret for the rest of our lives if I wouldn't have caught on. That's a huge secret to keep...that's a lot to carry for the BS. It has to create distance in the marriage, doesn't?

It makes me angry just thinking about how my husband threatened to divorce me for going to scubadiving with a group of instructors that were both male and female. He was jealous of one of the guys for no reason at all. I even invited my husband to come with us on the boat since he doesn't dive. He was so upset about it so I decided not to go because it wasn't worth it. My marriage was more important than diving. All the while he was running around at night with his "employee" while I was at home asleep.


Posts: 666 | Registered: Jul 2013
ambivalence26
♀ New Member
Member # 38037
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DDay for us was almost 5 years ago. We have been together for 35 years. Still struggling in R. My WH doesn't understand how I can possibly still be hurt, after all this time by his betrayal. According to him, he is just trying to move forward and doesn't get why I'm still hurt. He too, said the very same thing about having no idea how badly I would be hurt by his inappropriate behavior. I asked him, if you knew it would have just hurt me a little bit, would that have been better, would that have been OK? Would you have done it sooner, maybe have/had multiple affairs? I think it's a cop out for these unfaithful spouses to say they had no idea we would be so hurt?

And I don't like the word compartmentalize. They did what they did, ignored everything else, knowing full well, their betrayed spouse would be devastated, their marriages compromised once they get/got caught. Then tell us how much they love/loved us the whole time they were cheating. Is that how you show someone you love them you sleep with someone else's wife/husband?

This was someone I trusted with my whole heart an soul, and he broke it. How do you ever trust again?

We have been in therapy for years. and I'm still struggling with the hurt and sadness he has brought to my life. Does anyone else feel this
way? When does the hurt go away? When I leave him?


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: midwest
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally find the ďI didnít know you would be so hurtĒ excuse one of the most uncreative, poorly thought out, hurtful lies of all.

My H said that, and my answer was:
ďReally? You REALLY had no idea I would be hurt?
If you truly had no idea I would be so hurt and angry, why did you hide it from me?
You Ďdidnít knowí that I would be upset- so tell me, why did you go OUT OF YOUR WAY to lie, come up with excuses, sneak around, cover your tracks, and manipulate me?Ē

What he means is that he never meant to hurt you BECAUSE HE NEVER MEANT FOR YOU TO FIND OUT.

Iím sorry, that is not remorseful. It is another excuse and another lie.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
truthsetmefree
♀ Member
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quite a bit further out so I've had plenty of time to process much of these very feelings - which do get better, btw. I've kinda come to the realization that people often do things that have certain potentially devastating and recognized consequences. They just don't understand how far reaching those consequences can be or they think they can escape the bullet in the chamber fallout.

I've come to think of FWH's affair much as us traveling in a car - with him at the wheel and driving recklessly. We were both at risk - and perhaps in risking himself, he was unable to fully recognize how he was risking me. His "driving" was a form of emotional suicide - and we can all understand that highest regard is not given to the survivors.

So when the car crashed, what he wasn't prepared for is that *I* would be the one to lose both my legs. Not just that that could happen. Of course anyone could reason out such as a potential outcome. What he wasn't prepared for - what none of us were prepared for - is just exactly how LIFE changing that would be. It's one thing to try to imagine it. It's another thing to actually have to experience it and then learn how to live with those changes.

Though profoundly unsatisfying, the "I didn't know how much..." is actually quite true. Yes, perhaps they really didn't even think about it - and certainly not to the degree that could have resulted in different choices. But there really is a shock in the aftermath - even we BSs are having a hard time not just processing it and adjusting, but also understanding our own dismay at how all encompassing it is. This ignorance/lack of foresight is both Life's gift and her curse.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 5:36 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


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