When I review his Internet history it is clear that he reads here only once or twice each week at most. Never more than half an hour and rarely more than one or two threads. To be honest I am not actually sure he gets past the list of threads often as it seems to be just the Wayward forum index page mostly with 1 thread viewed sometimes.
From my perspective my WH will "play" with words - he will do exactly what I have asked and very little more unless it suits him. Rather than directly saying he won't do something to me he will buck at him in very PA ways. Semantics have been an issue in our relationship - I need to be very very specific.
WH has said to me he doesn't find SI helpful - he would rather read the books he has found and stick with his IC. From my perspective I can't see how he would know how helpful SI may or may not be given his limited exposure. I can read many threads before something actually "speaks" to me and helps. Besides I view SI as a community that you both give and receive from.
I am really struggling and to be honest am finding the hard work too damn hard. On getting him to read on SI I feel I may as well bash my head into a brick wall. I am getting endless cuddles (which seem to a trigger me lately), he appears to stick with his boundaries (they are written down) and apologies but that is it. I can't see any progress with us.
I have explained to WH that SI will help him with his perspective on his affairs. I think that he doesn't think what he did was as bad as many other affairs. That in some way his affairs were not as bad, more understandable (he was depressed, burnt out and under-supported in his role) and "more special" than the average and therefore SI is less valid for him.
I am interested in gaining WS and BS perspectives on the the benefits of both spouses being on SI. Is this worth pursuing or should I just leave it?
If I bring it up he will check, but it never lasts long. We struggle with his Passive Aggressive tendencies as well, and the whole "bare minimum" effort for certain requests, but I think that in this case the online-forum medium just might not suit all people. If your WH is making strides in other venues but just not with SI, I think that's ok. It means different things to different people.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
[This message edited by rachelc at 4:31 PM, January 20th (Monday)]
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“He has no idea how beautiful the ordinary becomes once it disappears."
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think (A A Milne)
I know this sight helps from a person to person perspective, but I've also found good resources here for books, which I've read cover to cover. Outside of SI I've been in IC for just over 2 years and I've also signed up for other classes such as Anger management. I am not perfect by any means, but I am trying. I know my BS sees and appreciates this, but also still wishes I would be more active on the SI. I am working on it, but again it isn't my first choice.
hopefully this helps shed a little light from someone who doesn't like to post much.
It is nice to know that you honor Jrazz enough to step out of your comfort zone to post.
That is sweet. Way to go!
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
There IS bitterness and hurt, of course; it kinda comes with what we waywards have wrought. But there's a lot of healing, grace, and compassion as well. I'm very glad that BW kept (mostly) gently prodding me toward SI, because I eventually "gave in". Once I came to it with an open mind, I immediately was drawn in and started finding value. The wayward forum is great but it's also helpful to read about BS experiences.
I wish it hadn't taken so long for me to come around.
WH has said to me he doesn't find SI helpful - he would rather read the books he has found and stick with his IC.
That sounds reasonable to me.
I do believe it is reasonable for you to ask, but if your WH does not want to go on SI, then don't push it. My FWW did not find SI helpful either, but we were still able to successfully R.
I think overall I did most of the heavy lifting in R, but I didn't mind. I would do the research and discuss things with my wife. Doing the research taught me a lot about the psychology of affairs and how to build a better relationship. I am now more confident I can spot the red flags should they arise. I also know we now have a good relationship.
He will read things I send him. He goes to therapy, SA meetings and has read books that ive asked. He communicates with me.
I'm happy as long as he's working on himself and our marriage and making progress, I don't feel the need to force him here.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
It might have gone quicker if she were active here. But we got there in the end. Doing the work is the most important thing.
I do get that online forums aren't helpful for everyone. It seems a bit ironic in some ways as WH has his own blog, is active (and appropriate) on facebook and twitter but is not comfortable on SI.
Thank you CRazz, it is interesting that you find the issue of letting strangers in something to get past - I am the opposite. I am so glad no one IRL knows me - no g2gs in NZ! I would never talk openly about so many issues (including sex) without feeling judged or worrying at the thought I am going to have to see them tomorrow or in church! It never occurred to me that this might be a hindrance for some.
I find the Wayward forum a huge encouragement now things aren't so raw. I watch some of the WSs there tackling issues and see the immense changes and growth in them - over time. Other WSs calling them out on things and helping them develop perspective. I guess I want my WH to benefit and receive support as I have in the JFO, general and R forums. I also think it might boost our R.
I think overall I did most of the heavy lifting in R, but I didn't mind.
I do so wish this was me - I feel I do most of it but I do mind - worse still I am feeling more resentful as time goes by.
Mine felt like a slow gradual climb. Over the course of 12 to 18 months I felt the load evening out. Do I wish it had been quicker to be balanced? No doubt. We deserve more effort from a WS in helping us heal. In my case, I can remember the actual marriage counseling session, and emotional drive home afterwards, when she finally seemed to get it and was truly remorseful. We were over a year into at that point.
Setting aside whether he participates on SI, you are closing in on three years of work and it is absolutely valid to expect that your WH would be focused on your healing, doing a lot of the heavy lifting needed and clearly showing you that he gets it.
It sounds like that might not be the case and that has to be hard. You absolutely need him to fully commit to your healing. If that doesn't feel like it is happening, have to talked to him about it?
I think it a reasonable request , but not a demand for R.
I intentionally kept my R demand list short....no adultery.
That hardly means I guarantee I will always R. What it means to me is that
1. I can't fix my wife.... An exhaustive list from me to her would indicate I had THE answers. I don't.
2. I am open to multiple paths , ways of processing (fixing)
3. There is no check list.....we will both find and make decisions on our own......"growth opportunities" in the seeking as well as in finding and applying.
4. Our R and M from this point forward is a team effort.....we share goals, success's and failures with the singular concept that we are in this together until we honestly state we are....not. Meaning we work ALL issues honestly....not every issue is a joint issue, but radical honesty is a part of what we do.
My idea of a requirement is to avoid stumbles that are so hard that R is no longer an option. For me, choosing adultery is THE stumble that I am no longer willing to "work through" again. I have eaten that shit sandwich once, ate it but didn't like it, don't make it for me again .
I will add that I am 17 months out. When I made my requirement list I was in weekly IC and my therapist helped me figure the above statements out.
Odd thing about my LACK of long R requirements is that I needed every minute detail of my wife's affair......so I am NOT a "lumper".....I like details and lists. Seems odd to me anyway.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:18 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]
He doesn't care for SI all that much.
I talked to him about this thread and mentioned that he may gain something from the Wayward Forum.
He is a bit threatened by my time here. He knows that it has helped me a lot and that I try to help others but he feels that it is keeping the A alive in my mind.
If only it were so easy! Stop posting and stop thinking about the A!
I find it rather amazing that he doesn't read what I'm writing more; I know myself I would be dying of curiosity if he posted here.
me too, Catlover50
I think all of the above (except maybe the 12 step unless they are an addict) should be requirements for R. It's what I expect but have yet to see.