Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: borderline85 (43161)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Working on taking back the biggest trigger
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About 5 month after dday we went to a 12 step meeting where we were regulars and the OM was there. Seeing him for the first time since Dday sent me into the worst spiral of this journey. We decided after that to walk away from meetings and our support network in that area and start going in a neighboring town. It has been 18 months since.

We are finding the support we need there but it has been a slow process. It still does not feel like home.

Tonight we are going back to that meeting. Testing the waters. We have a plan if he is there but the anxiety is still pretty high.

Hopefully it will just be a nice visit to catch up with some old friends.

Wish us luck!!!


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2413 | Registered: Aug 2012
reallysad2012
♀ Member
Member # 37658
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck!

I'm happy for you that you are giving this a try. You have a plan. You can do this!!!


me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

Posts: 97 | Registered: Nov 2012
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck, Chicho and broevil!!!


"The hero of my tale, whom I love with all the power of my soul, whom I have tried to portray in all his beauty, who has been, is, and will be beautiful, is Truth." - Leo Tolstoy

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Dec 2010
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending good vibes!


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 393 | Registered: Jul 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chico - that is YOUR safe place. Take it back.

We are all behind you, and many of us have done similar things. If it doesn't feel better now, it will eventually.

Peace to you and broevil tonight.


me - BS (45)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"An affair is more akin to a mental illness than a relationship."

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1315 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chicho and Broevil, you are in my thoughts tonight. I hope you find what you need back at your meeting. Good luck!


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34609 | Registered: Sep 2007
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck. Sending happy vibes to you and broevil.




Posts: 30599 | Registered: Mar 2011
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck to both of you.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 315 | Registered: Apr 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck to you both tonight. Laying these triggers to rest is so important.

Being able to do it together speaks volumes as to how far you have both come.

Continued strength and peace to you both.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3195 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support

It went well. He was not there. There were a bunch of people who we knew. It was really nice to reconnect. After the initial scan of the room for OM it immediately felt like home.

Here is the decision. Do we start making it a regular thing? Do we let ourselves get reattached and then have to deal with him showing back up down the road?

Do we keep going where we have been going and hope it starts to feel more at home and just pop in here every once in a while as a treat?

I do know one thing. Neither of us will be going alone. We will only be doing it together.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2413 | Registered: Aug 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have a similar safe community place that was tainted.(actually a couple.) One is our gym. The first time we went post dday, I felt ill. . . but no AP. The second time, AP was there, and my knees knocked (literally!), but I survived. The next couple of times, lessening symptoms. And then, last weekend she and OBS set up camp a few treadmills down from us, and I felt incredulous and irritated, but no more hurt. Healing.

I know there is a difference in that you may be called upon to share in the presence of the OM, or have to hear him share (ugh!) so you can't keep a reasonable distance necessarily. But, i'd say go if it is your community, and have an exit plan should you need/want it. He only has as much power as you give him.


me - BS (45)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"An affair is more akin to a mental illness than a relationship."

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1315 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
reallysad2012
♀ Member
Member # 37658
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad it went well. It is a great first step.


Do we start making it a regular thing? Do we let ourselves get reattached and then have to deal with him showing back up down the road?

Do we keep going where we have been going and hope it starts to feel more at home and just pop in here every once in a while as a treat?

You could do either. If you pop in once in awhile to the homey place as a treat but make those pop-ins more and more frequent, eventually you will find yourself back there permanently. Seeing OM there will still be a worry until it happens and you see how it goes. I can't help wondering, though, if OM would find a new place to go if you guys keep going regularly.

Good luck!



me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

Posts: 97 | Registered: Nov 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Bionic and Reallysad
He only has as much power as you give him.

Much easier said than done. But I'm working on it.

I can't help wondering, though, if OM would find a new place to go if you guys keep going regularly.

Maybe but I doubt it. When we ran into him and I confronted him 18 months ago he had no embarrassment or remorse. I was still in a bargaining stage and asked him to give us 2 meetings a week and he could have free run of the other 31 and his reply was "Absolutely not, these things happen and you just have to get over it"


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2413 | Registered: Aug 2012
reallysad2012
♀ Member
Member # 37658
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was still in a bargaining stage and asked him to give us 2 meetings a week and he could have free run of the other 31 and his reply was "Absolutely not, these things happen and you just have to get over it"

Sorry you are dealing with this. I think you are handling it well, though.


me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

Posts: 97 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 14

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.