I have had those dreams,....those restless nights....those "what the hell am I doing trying to R?" thoughts.
I believe this is part of the "growing through" process.
Process = time + action.
Your dreams, introspection, observation....all of your choices are the actions in this formula.
From 3 months post-DD till about 1O months out......this post of yours WAS my post.
I broke the complex issues down into manageable pieces. I started with the singular goal of regular sleep. I starting using over the counter sleep aides ....goal of 6 straight hours..... Get at least 1 REM cycle in, which is the point the brain repairs nerve damage. Nerve damage happens everyday from normal brain use...... Post-DD our brains, as you are all too aware , are working over-time.
17 months out now.....it gets better, a lot better.
I still have daily pain , I still have disturbing dream, but I am healing..... You are too . I submit to you that if, at 5 months out, you felt really good or even just OK,,,,, the odds of you rug-sweeping and NOT healing and processing would be extremely high.
This is pain at the trauma level. You have been traumatized.....you have been victimized (you had no say in what has happened to you) but you are not a victim. you have power and you are showing this.
The process of healing is painful, but you are doing it. This healing is crucial to your future.... With or without your husband, you need to heal. He can help, and his choices will need to be considered as you move towards a decision to R or not....but you can heal all on your own.
God be with you.