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User Topic: Kindness
Am_I_Crazy?
♀ Member
Member # 12735
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it that wayward spouses can be so charming to others and leave only venom for the betrayed? Why is it that they project ulterior motives? How is it that they can give the benefit of the doubt to others but not to the betrayed?

Why is there no compassion for the one they betray?


STEPHEN VINCENT BENÉT:
We thought, because we had power, we had wisdom.

He no longer f****s so I no longer cook. :)


Posts: 807 | Registered: Nov 2006
hangingonin
♀ Member
Member # 29530
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if it is perhaps the need to feel vindicated - if the BS is seen as someone they don't get on with then the WS feels better. Perhaps it is also the stress of living a lie.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: SE England, UK
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is a way for waywards to feel good about the poor choices they have made.

My ex told OW all about me and I have no doubt he made me into some horrible person to her just to make himself feel better about what he was doing.

I know they talked about my job as if I don't work very hard for my living. He also told her about our sex life, or lack of it too. Oh yeah that's right, two hard pregnancies and very traumatic labours with so many problems associated with each and he complains about us not having sex.

Pity he didn't appreciate everything I did for him such as single-handedly raising our kids and keeping the house in order for him. Perhaps if he had have thanked me just once and shown his appreciation I might have found the desire to want to sleep with him.

They are all losers.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Pansy Moss
♀ Member
Member # 30030
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder this constantly. My husband complained that I was lazy (nothing is further from the truth).

Now he says I didn't love him which is nonsense.

He was so cruel. He got what he wanted, to leave. Why be cruel? I don't understand.

The only consolation I get is that if he is cruel because he feels bad, then the crueler he is, then I know he knows deep down he is wrong.


~Pansy Moss 41 (BS)
~FWH 40 LostGuy73
wife of 19 yrs
Mom of 7 (dd 20,ds 18,ds 14,ds 11, ds 9,dd 7,ds 4)
Last D-Day 10.2.09
Separated
"LOVE is not blind; that is the last thing it is. Love is bound; and the more it is bound the less it is bl

Posts: 680 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Amsterdam, NY
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They do it because they are trying to construct an alternate reality in which behaviors they know are wrong can be justified. They don't want to think of themselves as bad people so they they have to paint a twisted picture of the BS to support why what they are doing is ok.

It sucks, but it is pretty common.

You're not crazy Am__I__Crazy. But I see you've been here almost 8 years. Have you been waiting 8 years for compassion and remorse?


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1498 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Am_I_Crazy?
♀ Member
Member # 12735
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the responses.

WarpSpeed, there was a time when I thought things were starting to look up. I had hope and didn't want to see that I was the only one doing the real work.

When things are going well, he uses a lot of "I" statements.

When he feels like things aren't going his way because of a situation he created, "we" have a problem.

He takes credit even when he shouldn't and fails to take ownership when he should.

He says that I should be completely honest about how I feel but his body language and facial expressions speak loud and clear. Either he doesn't want to listen or if he does, that he doesn't like what he's hearing. He will sometimes say, "Yeah-yeah-yeah," and wave his hand like he wants to be rid of a stink in the air. He is rude.

He gets treated badly by his relatives and never defends himself. It's like he has a tail between his legs.

When it comes to me, he unleashes all his emotional force. Mad dog.


STEPHEN VINCENT BENÉT:
We thought, because we had power, we had wisdom.

He no longer f****s so I no longer cook. :)


Posts: 807 | Registered: Nov 2006
Topic Posts: 6

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